Wacky Reviews: Star Trek


Is this real life?
That Wesley one is cringey, but those are the kinds of fan servicey scenes you need in your 10th movie.

And I like John Eaves but aside from the pointy everything he does have a lot of trouble differentiating ships and props from different time periods and species. They all look very similar.

Eggs Mayonnaise

All In With The Nuts
It seems like they shot the movie in order, or at least the wedding scenes were first/early. In the wedding scenes, the actors seem to be trusting the director more as they foolishly play cartoon versions of their characters.


I want to smell dark matter
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Emissary - We begin at the battle of Wolf 359 where Captain Picard (him again!) was turned into Locutus. We get some Borg Cube/Starfleet starship fighting and it doesn't look as good as the stuff in First Contact but it woudln't, would it! The Vulcan Captain of a starship is killed and his first officer Commander Benjamin Sisko tries to get the civilians to escape pods (shame they didn't drop them off somewhere before the battle.) He gets his son Jake out but his wife Jennifer is already dead. Sisko says "damn it, we just can't leave her here" and this is going to begin my obsession with trying to figure out if Avery Brooks is a good actor or not because that sounded bad, yet other times he seems pretty good? I'll keep track of it! Years later, he and Jake arrive at station Deep Space 9 in orbit around Bajor. The opening credits and theme music are quite slow compared to the zippy TNG credits. We get lots of views of the station. I think this makes sense because DS9's a show that always stays in one place so the opening get you used to the fact that you're going to be on this station all the time. Or I'm reading too much into it. There's no shot of the wormhole opening at the end. DS9 is a mess because the Cardassians smashed it up on the way out. CHIEF O'BRIEN from TNG is Sisko's Chief of Operations. I like him. A Bajoran tells Sisko that "the Prophets await him." O'Brien gives Sisko a tour of the station, showing him his office above all the others in Ops (so the lower ranked staff have to look up at their Prefect.) O'Brien warns Sisko about Bajoran women before Sisko meets his angry first officer, Major Kira. She doesn't like having Sisko on the station, feeling they've just got rid of the Cardassians and replaced them with the Federation. A young Ferengi and a partner break into a shop but Security Chief Odo stops them. The partner throws a weapon but it goes right through Odo's head. He can shift his shape! The Ferengi's uncle Quark asks Sisko to show his nephew leniency as they're leaving tomorrow, but Sisko says no. Sisko goes to see Captain Picard on the Enterprise and tells him they met before...IN BATTLE. Picard is strongly in favour of the Bajorans joining the Federation and wants Sisko to get them ready. Sisko is thinking of leaving Starfleet and is a bit rude to Picard. I don't know if this scene was a good idea, having the new character hate the beloved star of the beloved TNG? It was a bold move anyway. Sisko wants Quark to keep his bar on the Promenade because they need community leaders and won't release his nephew unless Quark stays. Kira thinks civil war is coming to Bajor and only the Kai (Opaka) can prevent it. He goes to Bajor and Opaka tells him about his "Pah." She says he will be "the Emissary" and shows him a "Tear of the Prophet." Sisko has a vision of his first meeting with Jennifer, on a beach, when he was wearing tiny shorts. Avery Brooks does some bad acting here and goes "oww!" in an annoying way. Jennifer thinks he's weird. She's right! Opaka tells him that the Cardassians are obsessed with trying to understand the 9 Orbs/tears and want to find and destroy the Bajoran Celestial temple.

Quark reopens his gambling bar and everyone has a good time (including Morn!) The station's Doctor (Bashir) and Science Office (Dax) arrive. Bashir asks her out. Sisko instantly lets us know that Dax is a three hundred year old Trill slug inside the body of an attractive young woman. Bashir is obnoxious as fuck and is excited about "frontier medicine" on DS9. Kira rightly tells him off. Jadzia touches the orb and has a vision of Kurzon (an old man, hence Sisko's name for her) dying and his slug being placed inside her. There's a nice scene where O'Brien takes a last look at the Bridge of the Enterprise then goes to the transporter room where Picard catches up with him. Picard beams him over to DS9. This scene wasn't in the version of the episode that was always shown on tv here. The Enterprise leaves and the Cardassian Gul Dukat (the former prefect of Bajor) arrives on the station. Dukat is interested in Sisko receiving an orb from Opaka as he thought the Cardassians had all of them. Dax thinks she knows where the Celestia Temple is. Yep, she found it in five minutes when the Bajorans have presumably been looking for it for thousands of years (remember the Bajorans are an anciest civilisation, much older than huams.) Odo is snuck onto the Cardassian ship disguised as a bag. Sisko and Dax leave on a runabout. O'Brien struggles to beam him back with a Cardassian transporter but it works when he kicks it. Suddenly they're sucked inside some kind of spatial anamoly. They come out on the other side and find that they're in the Gamma Quadrant, 70,000 light years from home. They've gone through a wormhole and Sisko thinks it's how the orbs were sent to the Bajoran people meaning its the first stable wormhole ever found.

They go back through but something weird happens and they land on a planet inside the wormhole. Sisko sees it all dark and stormy but Dax sees a nice sunny garden. Something that looks like the orb scans them and shoots them. It transporters Dax away and Sisko is left in some bright light. The orb-looking thing flies back out the wormhole and takes Dax back to DS9. Aliens talk to Sisko, using his memories to speaki in the forms of Picard, Jake and Opaka. They don't know what "time" is. Kira wants O'Brien to take the station to the womhole so the Bajorans can claim it before the Cardassians. He says it can't be done but Dax comes up with a technobabble way to do it. Odo tells Kira that he was found in the area of space where the wormhole appeared and wants answers. The aliens debate killing Sisko. He argues for humanity. He realises the aliens aren't linear. O'Brien does some fancy button pressing to stop the station blowing up (it's kind of an action scene but we don't really know what's going on.) Kira, Dax, Odo and Bashir go to the wormhole in a runabout and find Dukat on his way too. They warn him about the hostile alien inside but Dukat thinks Sisko is trying to make a deal with the aliens for their orb technology. Sisko tries to explain linear time to the aliens by showing them his memories of Jennifer. Can I just say that Jennifer Sisko was hot? Sorry if that's inappropriate about a dead woman. But there's a bit where she appears in her bikini while he's remembering her death so it's hard not to notice. The wormhole closes when Dukat's ship flies into it.

The aliens keep asking Sisko "what is this?" type questions and tries to explain baseball to them. He tells them he's here with the aliens to learn from them. They keep taking him back to his wife's death and asking why he exists there. The station and more Cardies show up at the sight of the wormhole, but it's gone now. The Cardies are angry about Dukat going missing. Bashir can't believe the Cardies would attack a Federation station but O'Brien reminds him of the war they thought against the Cardassians just a few years ago (Bashir is kind of dumb.) The aliens make Sisko relive Jennifer's death so they he doesn't "exist here" anymore. They say that the way he can't move on from her death is "not linear" and he agrees and cries. Kira orders O'Brien to fire six torpedos over the Cardassian ship's bow as a warning (the station only HAS six torpedos but the Cardies don't know that.) She makes a speech and Nana Visitor is really good and I kind of wish Kira was the main character at this point? The Cardassians fire on the station and O'Brien fires back. Stuff blows up on the Promenade. Kira reluctantly prepares to surrender but the wormhole opens again. The runabout tows Dukat's ship out. Sisko and Jake hug and this is the kind of scene Avery Brooks does well so I have no answer to my "is he a bad actor?" question. Sisko meets Picard again and isn't hostile this time. He tells Picard he doesn't want to leave anymore and they shake hands. Quark puts his hand on Kira's hip and she threatens to break it. That's kind of a weird not to end on!

It's a good opener, way better than Farpoint. The first half does a good job introducing all the characters and the current state of DS9. Of those characters Major Kira is the standout here with the most interesting backstory and a strong performance from Visitor. O'Brien is good because Colm Meaney is always so much fun to watch. The Quark/Odo interplay is midly fun (it'll get funner!) but neither of them get much characterisation yet. Dax is okay but Bashir is pretty bad here. He just seems like a total idiot to be honest and Siddig El Fadil (as he is known here!) is the weakest actor on the cast at this point. I feel like the introduction of the orbs is a bit rushed and the Cardassians are portrayed as a completely evil villain race at this point, but those things can be fleshed out in later episodes. The second half is good for the scenes of the aliens helping Sisko get over his wife's death. The Prophets themselves are less good. They're "non-linear" but what does that really mean? They don't understand time but they've been sending out orbs from their wormhole at regular thousand year intervals for ten thousand years. Shouldn't they know everything Sisko is about to say if the past and future are the same to them? It's all a bit weird but the scenes work for Sisko's character so I guess they're a success. As alluded to above the biggest issue at this point is Avery Brooks. I do like that Sisko is a very different character than Picard, or any of the TNG regulars. He's a much more emotional character, but Brooks tends to play those emotions by overacting. I can see someone being put off if they were watching this episode without knowing that he'll get better later (or maybe we just get used to him later.) Anyway it's an intriguing start and I'm excited to see what happens next!

SCORE: 8/10


I want to smell dark matter
(I like CGI too really.)

A Man Alone - Julian tries coming on to Jadzia as she tries to solve a brainteaser that looks like a big bubble. The bubble bursts instantly when he tries it. That's the teaser for the episode! The wormhole's in the credits now so that's good. Odo and Quark watch Miles and Keiko argue. Quark asks Odo if he's ever "coupled" and Odo expresses strangely 20th centuary attitudes about relationships (you always have to comprise and do what the woman likes, am I right, fellas?) Maybe he's just trying to fit in with Quark (who has a perv at Jadzia.) Sisko assures Dax that their friendship will continue in her new body. Odo tells a Bajoran he doesn't want him on the station and shoves him. The music is far too loud in this scene. Keiko isn't happy about living on DS9. Jake tries to make friends with the young Ferengi (Nog) who was robbing the shop last episode. Odo explains to Sisko that the Bajoran was Ibundan, who he sent to prison for murdering a Cardassian officer. He was freed by the Bajorans but Odo doesn't want him on the station. Sisko tells him he can't just kick him off. Ibundan has a massage on the holosuite but somebody murders him. That would ruin any massage! Bashir keeps chasing Dax around and it's annoying. Jake and Nog get up to some mischief with bugs that make your skin change colour (it's silly) but get arrested. Odo and Julian examine Ibundan's body. It's classic locked room mystery. Keiko whines to Miles about children having fun and says they need a school. A Bajoran claims Inbundan told him he feared Odo would murder him. Odo investigates Ibundan's quarters on the ship he arrived on (he has TWO BEDS, HMMM.) Sisko agrees with Keiko that school is a great idea (Sisko says "Bajora" instead of "Bajorans" here so they were still trying to make that word a thing!) Bashir reports that only Ibundan's DNA was found in the holosuite and Odo says that one other person could have commited the murder: a shapeshifter.

Nog's father Rom doesn't want his son going to Keiko's school. Keiko tells him that his son will have advantages over other Ferengi once she teaches him about other cultures. Some Bajorans make racist remarks about Odo "The Shifter" and point out he was the chief of security for the Cardassians. Quark stands up for Odo (Quark and Odo really seem like friends in this episode?) A mysterious Bajoran in a cloak watchs. Bashir finds out that Inbundan seemed to be conducting some kind of medical experiment. He tries to reconstruct the DNA sequence Ibundan was creating. Sisko relieves Odo of duty because he can't have a security officer investigating a murder he's the prime suspect in. Sisko says he deosn't think Odo did it but Odo says he doesn't know him so he can't say that and maybe he did do it. Loads of Bajorans point and sneer at Oodo and he finds his office smashed up. Odo asks Quark if he could use a shapeshifter in his criminal organisation but he's just joking Quark gives him the names of some of Ibundan's associates. Bashir asks Sisko why he isn't trying to shag Dax but Sisko says Dax used to be a man who beat him up. Miles takes Molly to see Keiko's school. Molly talks! A mob of mostly Bajorans (but also Morn!) forms outside Odo's office. Bashir keeps watching something grow in a vat. It's a humanoid. The Bajoran assholes chant "SHIFTER" at Odo. It's bad. Sisko fires a phaser in the air and tells off the mob for being a mob of jerks. Julian reports that Inbundan wasn't murdered at all! Inbundan created a clone and murdered it, and Bashir's been growing another one. They're just going to let this one live his life when he comes out of the vat as a fully grown man. Err, that's a bit weird. Odo finds Inbundan disguised as the man in the cloak. Killing your own clone is still murder! Jake and Nog and two other kids show up for Keiko's school. She tells them off for being late.

This was the second episode produced and is second on Netflix, but it was actually aired first with the next episode aired second. The reason for that is pretty clear: the main story in this episode is not very good. It's all about Odo, except we don't find out much about Odo other than he's not that good of a security officer (he started a fight Quark's at the start) and he's a bit moody. He doesn't even solve the case, Bashir does! The fate of the second Inbudan clone might have made for an interesting story but he's just brushed off with one line. The other character introduction stuff in the episode is better. Keiko's annoying (and I think that's down to the acting) but the school story makes sense and Jake and Nog are more likable than Wesley was at this point. Sisko and Dax have some decent scenes talking about their past. But yeah the main plot isn't good and this isn't the kind of episode you'd want right after a promising opener.

SCORE: 5/10

Past Prologue - Bashir is having lunch when a Cardassian named Garak (Andrew Robinson) comes up and joins him. He's the only Cardassian left on the station and Bashir is terrified of him. He says some people think Garak is a spy but Garak insists he's just a tailor, plain simple Garak. He touches Bashir's shoulders and hilarious GAY PANIC flashes on Julian's face. Garak is pretty amazing right from his first scene. Bashir tells O'Brien he wants to wear a wire in case Garak is up to something. A Bajoran ships is being chased by Cardassians and the pilot is beamed to Ops. He's Tahna, and he knows Kira. He requests asylum but the Cardassians say he's a dangerous criminal. Tahna is part of a Bajoran terrorist group who took responsibility for assassinating a Bajoran First Minister. Sisko doesn't want him onboard but Kira says it will be necssary to have groups like his onside to bring about the reconstruction of Bajor. Tahna admits to Sisko that he's still been carrying out violent acts against Cardassians even after the withdrawal from Bajor but he's sick of the killing now. Kira goes over Sisko's head and complains about him to an Admiral. The Cardassian tells Sisko that Tahna is planning more terrorist acts. Sisko won't turn him over because he knows what Cardassians do to their prisoners. Kira tells Tahna that Bajor needs him. He thinks she's under the thumb of the Federation and doesn't see why they should be on Bajor. It's a good scene as Kira isn't a fan of the Federation and argues when they're needed but Tahna makes good points and doesn't seem unreasonable. The Duras sisters show up on the Promenade and don't to give up their weapons, but Odo insists. Bashir joins Garak in Quark's. They watch the Duras Sisters leave when Tahna walks in. They have a secret meeting, which Odo watches disguised as a rat. They want payment from him.

Kira is excited that Tahna has told her he can get more terrorists to join him and thanks Sisko for his support. Sisko tells her not to go over his head again or he'll have hers on a platter. OH SNAP. The Duras sisters go to Garak's shop. They're selling Tahna and think Garak still represents the Cardassians. He seems willing to make a deal. Kira tells Tahna that she's got all the minsters onside she needs to get him amnesty. But Tahna reveals he came to the station to recruit Kira and he's still with the terrorists. He isn't planning anything violent though, he just needs a warp capable ship from her. It's another good scene as Kira's loyalties are tested. Garak tells Bashir that two Bajoran terrorists have just arrived on the station. He tells Bashir to try a new suit at a specific time. Bashir runs to Sisko for advice. Kira is feeling conflicted and goes to see Odo. She says whichever decision she makes she'll have to betray someone but Odo says the important thing is she doesn't betray herself. She admits things were so much easier when she was just killing Cardassians because she knew who the enemy was then. Bashir overhears the Duras sisters telling Garak that they're delevering some chemical to Tahna on one of Bajor 8's moons (are these other planets in Bajor's system occupied?) He's making a bomb. Kira tells Sisko that the only way to stop Tahna is for her to pretend to be on his side and give him a runabout. Sisko and O'Brien follow in another runabout. He completes his deal with the sisters and punches Kira when he knows what she's up to (he threatens to destroy colonies on Bajor 8 so this one is occupied.) It seems like he's going to blow up DS9 and Sisko and O'Brien might have to kill Kira to stop him. But his plan is actually to collapse the entrance to the wormhole to get rid of the Federation and the Cardassians. He and Kira have a fight inside the wormhole and she manages to foil his plan. Kira tells him the old ways don't work anymore.

It's a much better episode than the previous one as Kira's story here is strong. Her conflict between the old ways and new ways of helping Bajor is well written and played. It's also great to have Garak in the show, though sadly we won't see him again until season two (I guess he was just going to be a one off guest star.) It's still a bit rough around the edges though, the final runabout chase scene is pretty poor and the Duras Sisters are still terrible. But it's a good episode.

SCORE: 7.5/10


I want to smell dark matter
Babel - O'Brien is having a hard time making repairs because the station's in such a state. And everyone's on his arse. He fixes the replicators but some device inside activates. Quark is losing customers because his replicators are dodgy too, so he hacks the command level replicators. O'Brien is tired and starts saying weird things that make no sense. "Let birds go further loose maybe!" This is funny but aphasia is actually a real thing so you shouldn't laugh at it really! O'Brien can't express himself or understand anyone else. Dax comes down with it next, then some randoms. Quark won't close his bar despite the medical emergency. A spaceship Captain is angry at Sisko about the quarantine. Odo realises Quark is using the crew replicators because Quark claimed Rom fixed his but Rom's an idiot who coudln't fix a straw if it was bent (according to Odo!) Quark's illegal replciator use his spreaded the virus and Bashir reports that the various is airborne now. Jake comes down with the virus. Quark accuses sufferers of faking it to get out of their debts to him in a funny bit.

Bashir finds out that the virus was a Bajoran terrorist plot against the Cardassians, dating back to eighteen years ago when the station was built (let's remember that for continuity!) Kira tries to track down the person respoinsible. O'Brien starts to get even sicker as the virus enters its next phase. He'll be dead in twelve hours. Odo admits to Quark that he doesn't know the rule sof Dabo (they must have time to fill.) Bashir comes down with the virus. Kira finds one of the scientists responsible for creating it and goes after him, beaming him to her runabout. The angry Captain tries to leave the station. Something goes wrong with his ship and it's about to blow up and destroy the station. Sisko comes down with the virus. The doctor tells Kira that he can't help because he doesn't know of an antidote to the virus, but Kira points out that she's infected so he's infected too. Odo and Quark are the only two left uninfected on the station (It makes sense that Odo would be immune since he isn't humanoid, but Quark's a bit random. He said something about the "Ferengi immune system" earlier but what about Rom, Nog and all the other Ferengi on the station?) Odo rescues the angry Captain and releases his ship just before it explodes. It's fairly exciting! The doctor comes up with an antidote. Everyone is cured...but the replicators are broken again!!!!!!

There's not much to say, is there? The opening with O'Brien stressed out is fun. Everyone talking gibberish is amusing at first but gets old fast. Then it's just a standard race against time to find a cure. It's fine, but nothing to recommend really. Should have called it "BIBBLE."

SCORE: 5.5/10

Captive Pursuit - A Dabo Girl complains about Quark groping her and claiming it's "part of the job." It's actually literallyl written into her contract that she has to do him sexual favours. I like Quark but that's not on! I hope the series deals with Ferengi society in detail later. A ship comes through the wormhole with a lizard-like alien from the Gamma Quadrant onboard (Sisko says he came 90,000 light years but it was 70,000 before!) He doesn't want to leave his ship despite it needing repairs but O'Brien brings him in with a tractor beam. The alien's a bit nervous so Sisko sends O'Brien to make friends with him. The alien can turn invisible and hides from O'Brien at first. He tells O'Brien he is "Tosk" but it's not clear if that's his name or species. Miles gives him a tour of the Promenade as Tosk asks questions. Tosk only needs 17 minutes of sleep a night. He starts to warm up to O'Brien a bit, but asks the computer where the weapons are stored as soon as he leaves. O'Brien takes him to Quark's and Tosk things everyone in the Alpha Quadrant is lazy. Tosk says he lives the greatest adventure of them all. O'Brien tells the others that he likes Tosk but thinks he's running from something (there's a funny bit where O'Brien completely ignores Bashir.) Odo catches Tosk trying to shut the security fields and arrests him. Tosk just keeps saying "I am Tosk" when they ask what he was doing. Tosk asks O'Brien to allow him to die with honour.

Some more aliens show up and "reverse the polarity"(!) of the station's shields to beam to the Promenade. They wear SCI-FI HELMETS. They break into the Brig and find Tosk, using their helmets to see through his invisibility. Their leader finally takes his helmet off and explains to Sisko that they're hunters and Tosk is their prey. Tosk has disgraced himself be being captured alive and will be taken home in humiliation. Sisko is outraged and O'Brien is sad. The hunter explains to Sisko that Tosk was bred for the hunt. Sisko still isn't happy but he has no choice but to release Tosk due to the Prime Directive. O'Brien explains to Tosk that he has to request asylum, but Tosk won't do it because it would be letting his whole Tosk species now. He wants to die with honour but is sad he can't do it now. An agitated O'Brien talks to Quark about what's happened and realies he has to change the rules of the game. O'Brien takes over the transfer of Tosk back to the hunters from Odo. O'Brien punches the hunter with them and sets Tosk free. The hunter sounds happy when he says "the hunt has resumed." Odo is ready to stop O'Brien and Tosk but Sisko tells them there's no need to hurry. O'Brien and Tosk have to sneak through vents to get to his ship. Tosk shoots the lead hunter. Tosk tells O'Brien to die with honour (he's being nice) and leaves on his ship. Sikso gives O'Brien a dressing down for breaking the Prime Directive. O'Brien says there's one thing he doesn't understand: why Sisko didn't lock them behind a forcefield. Sisko says he guesses they just got by them (wink wink.)

Good episode! The guy playing Tosk does a great job of playing a nervous looking alien, who really comes alive when he's sent free and has to evade the hunters. The friendship between he and O'Brien is classic Star Trek and the ending with Sisko and O'Brien is a lot of fun. I liked it.

SCORE: 8/10

Q-Less - Bashir's trying to impress a girl by telling her the story of passing his exam (but he finished second in his class because of a mistake he made.) O'Brien rolls his eyes. Dax comes through the wormhole with someone she found in the Gamma Quadrant: Vash. I wonder if she ran into the Dominion in those two years? O'Brien recognises her from the Enterprise. And Q's there too!!!! Bashir starts flirting with her while examining her. Vash stores objects from the Gamme Quadrant in a secure room run by a snooty Bajoran. O'Brien reports that something strange has happened to Dax's runabout (it's lost all power) and tells Sisko that Vash used to date Picard. The same thing that happned to the runabout starts to happen to the station. Q comes to see Vash and wants to go back to travelling with her. She left him and doesn't want him back. He mentions the possibility of exploring the Delta Quadrant. Who'd be interested in that? She wants her life to go back to how it was before she met him. Quark comes to see Vash (Q makes him disappear once but he doesn't seem to remember it) to make a deal to sell her artifacts. Then Bashir comes by to ask her out. Q appears as a Bajoran waiter and warns Julian off Vash. He makes Julian get tired and he runs off to sleep. That's really mild in terms of Q antics. O'Brien spots Q and says "bloody Hell!" He thinks Q must be responisble for the power outages.

Sisko runs into Q in Quark's. Q challenges him to a fight and the only part of the episode anyone remembers happens. "You hit me! Picard never hit me!" "I'M NOT PICARD." There's another Quark/Odo scene (they're becoming very familiar but they're always fun) as they talk about the pursuit of wealth. Q shows Vash all the illnesses she would have suffered if he hadn't been there to save her as a way to scare her into rejoining him. Q shows up and tells Sisko that Picard would have solved all this "technobabble" by now. He barely remembers O'Brien ("weren't you one of the little people?") and warns that Vash is a greater threat than him. That should really give the game away. The station somehow starts to be sucked into the wormhole. Despite this, Quark and Vash go ahead with their auction. The crew continue to struggle to pinpoint the cause of all the craziness. Q tells the people at the acution that they're all going to die soon so there's no point buying anything. It goes on anyway, with a strange glowy thing the final item for sale. The crew FINALLY figure out that the power drain is coming from the Promenade. The object is sold (to Q) for a million bars of gold pressed latinum but it's what's causing the power drain so it has to be beamed into space. It was some kind of lifeform or something. Vash decides to scheme with Quark rather than go back to the Daystrom Institute, after a final conversation with Q. Then Julian wakes up!!!!!

The episode is fairly entertaining, but I'm strugglling to see the point of it. It's the only Q episode of DS9, but Q hardly does anything! He has that one scene where he fucks with Sisko for a couple of minutes then gets bored. Most of the episode he just sits around making the odd funny remark, or points out how boring the station is compared to the Enterprise, which is probabl a stupid thing to do on a new show. It also makes the crew look really bad that they take so long to realise that one of Vash's artifacts is responsible for what's happening, especially since the same thing happened to the runabout Vash was on. The stuff with Vash and Quark is good though as the characters works well together. In fact Vash could have made a decent recurring character on DS9, they could have run into her in the Gamma Quadrant doing dodgy stuff from time to time, or she and Quark could have got up to more scrapes. But we'll never see her again, so forget about her now.

SCORE: 6/10


I want to smell dark matter
Dax - Sisko notes in the Station Log that Chief O'Brien has returned to earth to celebrate Keiko's mother's one hundredth birthday (so her mother was in her sixties when she was born?) It's a weird line that's just there to explain why Colm Meaney isn't in the episode. Julian continues to creep on Dax. He asks to "escort" her to her bedroom but she says no...and he follows anyway after she's gone. It's not endearing! Some guys in cloaks grab Dax (Julian nearly stops them but is stunned that one of them is a woman and they beat him up.) They nearly get away with her but Kira catches them in a tractor beam. Their leader explains that they're from some alien planet and want to extradite Dax...FOR MURDER (of his father.) The murder was actually commited by Curzon and Sisko refuses to believe it. Jadzia refuses to talk. Even though the aliens have an extradition treaty with the Federation they don't have one with Bajor and Sisko realises that's why they tried to abduct Dax. There's an extradition hearing and for some reason it has to be held in Quark's bar (there's really no other appropriate spaces on the whole station?) The Bajoran judge is a hundred year old woman played by professional old woman Anne Haney (who appeared in the TNG classic 'The Survivors'.) She takes no shit! Sisko argues that the warrant is for the now deceased Curzon Dax rather than Jadzia but the other guy (I didn't catch his weird alien name, can't be bothered looking it up) argues that they're the same person. Sisko gets Kira, Bashir and Odo to try to prove Dax's innocence from every angle. Odo finds the widow of the murdered general who doesn't believe Curzon did it. But there was a secret message sent to the enemy before her husband's murder and her son has determined that only Curzon could have sent it. The widow is disturbed to learn that Curzon is dead and Jdazia is standing trial.

The son calls a Trill witness to prove that hosts have memories of all previous hosts and remembers all their thoughts and feelings. But Sisko cross-examines and gets the Trill to testify that the hosts and symbionts personalities meld at bonding and a new pesron is created (this is a massive change from the Trill in TNG.) Old lady jduge (who is really rude and snobby but she's a hundred so it's okay?) suggests sending the Dax host to stand trial seperate from Jadzia, but Bashir reveals that would kill her. He submits the different brainwaves of Curzon and Jadzia to prove they're different people. But the son points out that the symbionts brainwaves don't change. Sisko takes the witness stand to give his memories of Curzon (with Kira asking the questions.) He says he doesn't know Jadzia well yet. Odo finds out the Curzon and the widow were having an affair. But that woudl also be a solid motive for murder. Sisko goes to Dax with this, believing she's refusing to speak to preserve the widow's honour. Sisko begs her to speak up but she still refuses. She's getting a bit annoying now. She finally takes the stand. Before she's finished answering questions, the widow comes in. She reveals that Curzon was in her bed at the time the secret message to the enemy was sent. Jadzia and the widow talk and we finally get the truth: it was the general himself who was the traitor and his own men killed him. They share a tender moment.

There's some very good stuff here. All the courtroom stuff is well written and well acted. There's a lot of interesting questions asked. Sisko comes across well trying to fight for Dax even though he doesn't really know this version of Dax yet. The stuff with the widow is good and the ending is quite touching. The problem is that none of the questions are really answered. We don't get a ruling on the extradition hearing. Maybe a better ending would have been if the judge had ruled that Jadzia should stand trial and THEN the widow reveals the truth. But it's solid stuff. Fun fact: it was co-written by D.C. Fontana, making her the only person to write for TOS, TAS, TNG and DS9 (and maybe the only person to write for four different Trek series but I'll need to check on that!)

SCORE: 7.5/10

The Passenger - Kira and Bashir are in a runabout when they pick up a distress call from another ship. There's a woman onboard who warns Bashir not to go near the dangerous prisoner who started the fire (a plot to escape) but of course he tries to save the prisoner's life. The prisoner grabs Julian around the throat then dies. Back on DS9, the cop lady wants Bashir to make extra sure that the prisoner is really dead as he's faked his death many times in the past. He was a scientist who killed others to prolong his own life. It's Quark's turn to be sleazy about Jadzia this week since Julian's busy. Odo clashes with a Starfleet security officer (Primmin) over how to deal with Quark. He goes to Sisko and complains about Odo giving away details of a shipment of some rare material to Quark, but Sisko trusts Odo and tells Primmin he could learn from the shapeshifter. Something goes wrong with the station's computers and the investigator woman shows up to tell Odo that the dead prisoner did the same thing on Rigel 7. Captain Pike went there once! She still thinks the prisoner is alive and everyone tells her she's crazy and she keeps saying "NO I'M NOT" and it's all a bit boring. Odo is angry about Primmin but Sisko tells him they have to learn to work together (but Odo's still in charge.) Someone in gloves grabs Quark. He'd made arrangements with the prisoner to steal the shipment but had assumed it was cancelled when he died. But he's alive, somehow!

Jadzia looks into the prisoner's scientific research and finds he was workong on transferring consciousness to a new brain (Bashir says that stupid thing about humanoids only using a small percentage of their brain.) They suspect the prisoner is hiding the investigator's brain. They restrict her access. Quark rounds up criminals to do the shipment job. The investigator watches. Then someone pushes her off the upper level of Quark's. Dax finds out that the prisoner had created a way to transfer his consciousness through his fingernails (HMMM, WHICH CHARACTER DID HE TOUCH EARLIER?) Quark takes the criminals to meet their employer in a stolen runabout but find Bashir there. He says "I've been expecting you" in a weird voice. It's bad. Primmin goes off and does something without telling Odo. Turns out he's actually good at his job and finds something important. The Bashir gang hijack the ship with the valuable stuff in it. Siddig El Fadil continues to do TERRIBLE acting using his "evil" voice. He reveals himself to Sisko. He says he might give Julian's body back if they let him get away with the shipment. Sisko and Jadzia come up with a technobabble way to stop him. They manage to give Bashir control of his body back and he lowers the runabout's shields. Jadzia beams the evil brain out of of Julian and into a container (yes, she does that.) Sisko hands custody of the prisoner back over to the investigator and she vapourises the container to kill him for good.

It's pretty bad! The thing I remembered most about this episode was how bad Siddig was at playing a possessed Bashir and boy was my memory accurate! I have no idea why he put on that stupid voice. The main plot is pretty lame with the investigator just repeating "He's alive!" a lot and no one believing her. It's also a bit weird that Quark gets away with being part of a criminal operation that seemingly gets quite a few people killed. The redeeming quality here is the Odo/Primmin plot, which is actually quite good! I liked that Primmin ended up being good at his job and Odo respect him at the end, rather than ending it with them fighting or Primmin being made to look stupid at Odo's expense. But yeah this is bad.

SCORE 3/10


I want to smell dark matter
Move Along Home - Directed by 'Generations' director David Carson, so it's bound to be good! Ben talks to Jake about Bajoran girls. A new species named the Wadi have come through the wormhole and everyone's in dress uniform (except Julian who couldn't find his) to make first contact. But the Wadi just wants to know where the games are and ask to go to Quark's! Quark is happy to have them when he finds they have precious gems, but is worried when they keep winning at Dabo. Quark starts rigging the game. Sisko gives up and goes home and tells off Jake for staying up late. The Wabi catch Quark out and say it's time to play a new game. They make a huge game board appear from nowhere. Sisko wakes up in a strange place. The Wabi leader appears to him laughing like a maniac and says "move along home!" He soon finds Kira, Dax and Julian (doing some bad screaming acting) there too. Jake reports his father missing to Odo then goes to "look at girls" with Nog. He's real concerned! Primmin makes another appearance(!) but this time he's a bad security officer who hasn't noticed four people missing and thinks they're just hungover. The Wabi froce Quark to play their game without explaining the rules (or the fact that four people are somehow in the game.) Sisko and the others find a little girl singing and skipping. They figure out that they have to copy her skipping and singing to escape the room which is certainly...a sight to behold.

Odo tells Quark about the four missing officers and he realises the connection with the four players in the game. He has to keep playing to get them out (it's never explained what effect Quark rolling the dice actually has on the players though.) The players end up in a Wabi party and Kira shouts at them for laughing. They're gassed and start choking and the Wabi keep laughing. I feel like my brain is broken. They have to drink champagne or something to not die. Primmin scans the Wabi ship but can't detect the missing officers. He warns Odo not to go storming on their ship without permission because it's against Starfleet policy (yeah, we've never seen any Starfleet officer beam onto a ship without permission before!) Odo just ends up back in Quark's anyway and tries to stop the game. Quark wants to keep playing because he's doing well. Bashir dies or something. Quark wants to take a shortcut to skip danger. Quark starts crying when he thinks everyone will die and begs not to have to keep playing. More stuff happens in the game and it's hard to follow or care about. They end up in a cavern with a big chasm and they walk along the edge and it looks unconvincing. Kira falls down the chasm and dies so she's dead too now. But they win the game and get out and the Wabi say "it's only a game!" and laugh. Sisko is angry at them but Odo tells him it's Quark's fault for cheating at Dabo. But yeah it's totally the Wabi's fault really.

Well, it's complete nonsense, isn't it? I mean I do kind of like the start where the aliens just want to play games. And the skipping with the little girl scene is a classic. But otherwise it's like a TOS season 3 episode, makes no sense, and is comletely pointless by the end. I kept looking at websites while trying to watch it.

SCORE: 1.5/10

The Nagus - Sisko tells Jake they're going to Bajor for the Gratitude Festival and they can visit the FIRE CAVERNS (IT WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG) while they're there. But Jake doesn't want to go because he's got plans with Nog. Rom is back and he's more of snivelling toad now than in his first appearance. The Rules of Acquisition are mentioned for the first time. Quark tells off Rom and Rom tells off Nog in turn. A Ferengi named Krax enters the bar and introduces Quark to his father: Grand Nagus Zek (the great Wallace Shawn) the leader of the Ferengi people. He's really old! O'Brien (who wasn't i the last three episodes, that must have been one Hell of a hundredth birthday party!) teaches Jake and Nog's class as Keiko is still on Earth. Nog uses the old "Vulcans stole my homework" excuse to explain why he didn't do it. Zek has lots of sex in Quark's holosuite and Quark gives him Rom's bed to sleep in when he finally comes out. O'Brien tells Sisko about Nog being a trouble maker and a bad influence. Zek and Krax have dinner with Quark and Rom and Zek tells Quark how impressed he is with him (Krax is jealous.) Zek is shocked to learn that Nog goes to a Federation school run by a female. Zek needs Quark's bar to host an important conference about the future of Ferengi business and expansion into the Gamma Quadrant. Moren has to be turned away at the door. Nog pretends to be happy about not having to go to school anymore but you can tell he's really sad! There's a scene with lots of Ferengi businessmen that's actually. The Ferengi are naturally funny here without being treated like out and out comedy characters. Zek says he's too old and not as greedy as he once was and names Quark as the new Grand Nagus. Everyone is outraged.

Ben is kind of happy that Jake and Nog aren't friends anymore but Jake points out that Ben's always telling him to befriend new cultures. A Ferengi threatens Quark's life and he goes to Zek for advice. But Zek dies in the middle of their conversation. Quark wants Rom to be his bodyguard because he's the only one he can trust. Rom thought he was going to get the bar now that Quark is Nagus but Quark laughs in his face. Odo wants Bashir to examine Zek's body but he's already been put in small containers and sold to various Ferengi. Jake and Nog make friends again. Someone tries to blow Quark up. Odo suspects that Zek's giant servant was responsible as he wasn't at the funeral. Jake won't tell Ben what he was up to with Nog all night(!) There's a Godfather like scene where Quark wears a cloak and makes other Ferengi grovel to him. We find out that it was Rom and Krax who were plotting to kill Quark together. Ben finds Jake and Nog hiding out: Jake is teaching Nog how to read. This is actually really touching? (Surely Nog should be able to read already though, since the Rules of Acquisition are so important? And reading contracts and stuff would be important in business? But Rom's an idiot.) Rom gives Quark a final chance by asking for the bar again but Quark still won't give him it. Rom and Krax lock Quark in an airlock and prepare to toss him out (Quark threatened to do the same to Rom earlier.) But Zek shows up to stop them, he's still alive! Odo went to get him because he figured it out. Zek faked his death to test if his son was ready to take his place but Krax failed...MISERABLY (Wallace Shawn's line delivery is really funny.) Quark is impressed by Rom's attempts to kill him and gives him a promtion. Ben tells Jake he's proud of him.

The first Ferengi "comedy" episode...and it's actually good? It's funny but it's not completely over the top like later Ferengi episodes. The humour comes from seeing Quark react to situations like being the new Nagus and assassination attempts rather than utterly stupid things like having a sex change. Zek is a lot of fun here too and Krax was actually a decent character (who was never seen again.) Rom gets his first real characterisation and it's completely retconned later but it works here! The B-plot with Jake and Nog is nice too. Shockingly this is one of the best episodes so far.

SCORE 8/10