"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my
nose! Pardon my language. But
YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets; I'm busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a
loaf!
For I speak
only the fucking
Truth, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear!
I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the
first god damn water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I drank the
Devil under seven tables, I am too
intense to die, I'm insured for acts o' God
and Satan!
I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien
jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I
cannot be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear
no god damn uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I am
armed and
loaded!
I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug
me in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity,
come and get me! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and
eat my dead;
YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes!
The Devil's hands are my
ideal playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think
backwards! I do it for
fun! My imagination is a
fucking cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me! They say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and
one!
Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm
thicker, harder and
meaner than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I'll freeze
your seed before it hits the bathroom tile!
YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made
Time wait up for me to bleed my lizard!
My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my
spoor on the Rock of Ages,
who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? WHOOP! I'm ready!
So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am
Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a
spectacle of myself, I am a
sight! My physical type
cannot be classified by science, my `familiar' is a
PTERODACTYL, I feed it
DIPSHITS!
I communicate without
wires or
strings! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the
Bermuda Triangle and
DIDN'T GET WET!
I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my
tongue and my
tool! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the
Sun! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the
mass of my religion,
I take drugs!
Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the
tree! Space monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the
Pyramids off
MY shoes before I enter
my house. I'm
fuel-injected, I'll live forever and remember it afterwards! I'm
immune! I'm
radioactive!
Come
on and
GIVE me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my
bread with the
juice! I'm supernatural, I bend
crowbars with my
MEAT AXE and a
THOUGHT! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt
volcanoes in
China!
Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen
Hindoos in Asia!
YEEE HAW! Gut Blowout! I am a
Moray Eel, I am a
Komodo Dragon, I am the
Killer Whale bereft of its pup! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me
ALL your Slack! I told
Jesus I wouldn't go to church and He
shook my hand!
I have my
own personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking
SLACK after death! I am a god damn
visionary, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat
black holes for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty
will!
I steer my
own god damn evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a
profit! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it
home with me.
Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE!
I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll
NEVER clean
my cage! Now give me some more of..."
(Tape runs out.)