Cat Cleaners: The Bar Years

[CaptainWacky]

(The Cat Cleaners set has been converted to a bar! No sign of the old cat cleaning equipment can be seen, other than a framed photograph of a cat in a washing maching hanging on the wall. Otherwise the new set looks almost exactly like the bar from Cheers. Jock and DJ enter the scene, both polishing pint glasses. Studio audience give them a standing ovation for a full minute.)

Jock: Well, it'a almost time to open the bar for the day.

DJ: I can't wait! Every day's been a great day since we converte the old cat cleaning business into a bar.

Jock: In hindsight, a bar is a much more financially viable business than cat cleaning.

DJ: Hey, how were we to know that cats clean themselves!

Jock: I thought they were like dogs! Too dumb to do anything for themselves!

(Half of the studio audience boo as they like dogs. The other half boo the people who were booing as they love Cat Cleaners so much.)

DJ: How much money were we losing a month in the end, again?

Jock: Thirty five thousand a month! It sure is lucky that Uncle Mac found 1.7 million dollars under his mattress!

DJ: Did he ever tell you how he got all that money?

Jock: He said it was from his "old life". When he used to "do stuff" for money.

DJ: What kind of stuff?

Jock: I just assumed prostitution!

(Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: Well, whatever it was, he sure saved our butts. And ever since then, you and I have been running this bar and doing a damn good job of it!

Jock: Come on DJ, it's not just us. Someone else has helped out a lot. We wouldn't have been able to do it without them.

DJ: That's very true...

(Lucy walks in. She is also polishing a pint glass. Studio audience groan.)

Lucy: Were you boys talking about me?

Jock: What? Eww, no! We were talking about...

(Jock and DJ both reach under the bar then pull a beautiful cat out and hold it high above them.)

Jock and DJ: ...WHISKERTON!!!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Studio audience give Whiskerton a standing ovation for a full two minutes.)

Lucy: I'd be mad...but even I love Whiskerton! Oh pooplesticks, our customers are here, did you unlock the door?

(The door is KICKED OPEN by THE CHAMP. Uncle Mac, Janelle and Heidi are standing behind him.)

The Champ: Well what are you PUNKASSES waiting for? Pour me a beer, I need to get nice and drunk before I fight a genetic clone of Muhammad Ali live on Fox tonight!

Jock and DJ: Here we go again!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Opening credits begin as the theme song starts to play.)

Cleaning a cat in the world today
Takes everything you've got
They just clean themeselves anyway
That sure does hurt a lot
Wouldn't you like to get drunk instead?

Sometimes you want to go
To a bar with a reference to a defunct cat cleaning business as its name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
The cats are clean all the same
You want to be where Jock, DJ, and to a lesser extent Lucy know your name

CAT CLEANERS: THE BAR YEARS

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[Cassie]

THE CATS ARE ALL DRUNK NOW.

 

[Dr Dave]

MEOW CHOKE MARTINI!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock, DJ, Lucy, Uncle Mac and Whiskerton are all sitting at the end of the bar, watching FOX'S GENETIC CLONE BOXING special on tv.)

Host (voiceover): Coming up later tonight, Hulk Hogan's son Nick fights a genetic clone of Andre The Giant in a match that can only end by CANNIBALISM! But first, the boxer strangely known only as The Champ takes on a genetic clone of the legendary Muhammad Ali!

Jock: I think The Champ is going to take him!

DJ: I hope he does! That Ali clone is too cocky! And he said if Vietnam happened today, he wouldn't fight in it!

(Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: But The Champ hasn't won a fight in five years! He lost his confidence and started hanging around with us instead of being a winner.

Uncle Mac: You think that's why he's here? One day I'll tell you the whole story, kids. The whole story...

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Jock: Whiskerton's right, the fight is starting, everyone shut up!

(The Champ is dancing all around the ring punching the air as Muhammad Ali just stands there.)

The Champ: Fight me, sucker! You saw you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee? Well I punch like a train! A train with a FIST on its front! And I eat bees for breakfast, GRWAHAHA!

(Muhammad Ali holds his fist out and The Champ runs right into it. Blood sprays all over the camera.)

Host: It's all over, folks! The Champ's face is no more!

Jock: Damn, how will we be able to recognise him now?

DJ: The boxing gloves he always wears?

Jock: Oh, yeah.

(Janelle and Heidi are sitting at the other end of the bar drinking COCKTAILS. Janelle looks disgusting as the others watch the Andre The Giant clone eating flesh while a powerless Hulk Hogan appeals to God to step in.)

Janelle: How can they watch that CRAP? And how can two intelligent women like us tolerate being around them much longer?

Heidi: Tee hee! They're not that bad. And we have nowhere else to go. Not after you convinced me to go on that stupid reality tv moon show with you.

Janelle: I thought it was being run by NASA and we'd get a job there! How was I supposed to know the head of NASA had gone rogue and would attempt to murder us after I revealed to Jock and DJ that we weren't really on the moon but just in an unconvincing studio?

Heidi: Well nobody will hire us at any space institute now. Or anywhere else! Our lives are ruined and all we have left are the free drinks we get in this bar because Jock always forgets to charge us! Tee Hee!

Janelle: Oh that reminds me...hey JOCK, we could use another round. No, LUCY, we don't want YOU serving us.

Heidi: At least DJ is kind of hot.

Janelle: Eww, he's a bisexual. You don't want to go out with one of them!

Heidi: But you're a bisexual!

Janelle: I meant bisexual men. You could date a bisexual woman...if you wanted to...

Heidi: Tee hee?

(THE CHAMP walks into the bar. He looks completely normal.)

The Champ: Hahaha, the drinks are on me! For HOT WOMEN to drink off my body, that is!

DJ: The Champ? But we just saw your face punched off live on tv by Muhamma Ali!

The Champ: That was just a deepfake! They didn't really clone Ali, it was just a guy in a gimpsuit! It wasn't even life, they taped it last week and just drew in Ali and my face exploding with special effects! Suckers!

Lucy: So you just threw the fight?

The Champ: I got paid, didn't I? Hahaha! Where the ladies at?

Uncle Mac: Oh, so now you'll throw fights. Your moral compass has lost its true north after all these years...

Jock: Huh?

(Uncle Mac storms out, barging his should by The Champ as he goes.)

The Champ: Just character backstory that will pay off later, who cares. NOW SERVE ME SOME COCAINE!

(Jock walks into the storeroom and wheels out a barrel with "COCAINE" written on it. He cracks it open and white powder sprays out all over Whiskerton.)

Whiskerton: AAAA-CHOO!

(Everyone laughs.)

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Champ, wearing nothing but his regular boxing gloves and a special boxing glove over his cock and balls, is chasing Whiskerton around the bar with gay abandon.)

The Champ: Hahaha, come here you tasty little kitty, I promise I'm not going to deep fry and eat you, no sir!

Whiskerton(scared): Miaow!

Lucy: I'll prime the fryer!

(Jock and DJ are watching from the back of the bar, smiling.)

DJ: You thnk he'll ever realise it's just SHERBERT that he snorted from that barrel full of SHERBERT?

(Studio audience go "OOOOOOOH" in realisation.)

Jock: Nah, he seems enough trying to murder Whiskerton, he'll never figure it out. But yes, it is important to note that he actually snorted sherbert and NOT cocaine...

(Jock looks directly into the camera.)

Jock: ...because of course we here at Cat Cleaners would NEVER endorse the use of illegal narcotics!

(Studio audience cheer this moral stand. On the other side of the bar, Janelle smashes her glass against the bar then brandishes broken glass threateningly.)

Janelle: Get me another drink before I stab someone!

Jock: Yes ma'am!

DJ: You think they're ever going to be drunk enough to sleep with us?

(Jock pulls out a legal contract with "SEXUAL CONSENT FORM" written on the top.)

Jock: I'll get them to sign this one day!

(Studio audience "wooooooo!")

Uncle Mac: Back in my day you didn't have to get a girl drunk to sleep with them. You did it with romance! Take them dancing, kids. Dance the night away. Then at the end, tell them that, just like the dance, EVERYTHING will end, so they might as well sleep with you. Becaue what difference could it possibly make? Always worked for me. Of course, I'm alone now. So alone.

Jock: Hahaha, that's my crazy Uncle Mac!

(A man wearing an expensive suit and a fake beard enters the bar.)

Lucy: Wow, another customer! And this one might pay! I better do my best to charm him...

Jock: Yeah, push that cleavage right up!

(Studio audience cheer as Lucy rolls her eyes.)

Lucy: There's more to me than my looks!

Jock: There would have to be!

(Studio audience chant "JOCK JOCK JOCK!")

Lucy: How can I help you, sir?

Mysterious Man: I would-a like-a your finest pizza-a, please, eeeey!

Uncle Mac: Wait a minute...that's a flawless ITALIAN accent.

(Uncle Mac dives behind the bar in fear.)

Lucy: Coming right up! Would you like our most expensive bottle of wine too, and to buy the official Cat Cleaners NFT?

Italian Man: Of course I-a would-a! I can-a see no a-possible reason-a not to spend-a a ludicrous sum-a of money in this here cat cleaning theme bar like we had in the old country!

(Whiskerton runs back into the bar with The Champ chasing him, holding a knife and fork.)

The Champ: I just want to eat you a little!

(Whiskerton jumps in fear right at the Italian man's crotch and grabs on with his cat mouth.)

Italian Man: OWWW, my a-penis and a-testicles! I wanted to-a eat here, not a-be eaten by a crazy cat!

(He STORMS OUT with Whiskerton still attached to his crotch.)

Lucy: Great, you just cost us another customer, Champ!

The Champ: This is a business!?

(Uncle Mac peers out from behind the bar.)

Uncle Mac: Is he gone?

DJ: Why are you so scared of Italians, Mac?

Jock: Is it because you always lost at SUPER MARIO when you played at the GAMING ARCADE?

Uncle Mac: I...can't...no. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's time you knew. I've run from my old life for so long. Maybe it's time I told my only nephew and his bisexual best friend the real truth. Maybe it's time I told you both...about my years as a hitman for the mafia. And all the lives I took. And how my own life is forfeit

DJ: Make it a short story, Transformers 4 is coming on tv in twenty minutes!

(Jock and DJ high five as Uncle Mac shakes in existential dread.)

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock, DJ and Uncle Mac are in the pool room behind the rest of the bar. Mac is pacing nervously. Jock and DJ are sitting on the edge of the pool table, looking confused.)

Jock: I don't know why we had to come in here, it's so dank and dull!

DJ: Yeah, nobody likes playing real pool anymore. Only VIRTUAL POOL on the SONY PLAYSTATION.

(Studio audience cheer sponsored promotion.)

Uncle Mac: I need to tell you my story. My whole story.

Jock: But why here? I'm sure Whiskerton and the humans whose names I've forgotten would love to hear your silly story too!

DJ: Yeah, everyone enjoys your crazy ramblings.

Uncle Mac: Damn it boys, this isn't a joke! I need you to know what I've been hding from all these years. Why it is I act the way I do. It's a mask, a facade designed to disguise the hideous truth. Now stop interrupting me and just let me get this out.

(Jock and DJ look at each other and shrug. Uncle Mac is shaking as he attempts to begin speaking. He takes out a cigarette, lights it, and takes a long drag.)

Uncle Mac: When I was a boy, I had a best friend named Silvio. He was a bad influence on me for sure. We were always getting into trouble, first at school, then just in the community. It evolved into criminal trouble. Nothing major at stuff, you know. Taking cars for joy rides. petty theft from the local shops...fighting. Yeah, he was a bad influence, but I knew what I was doing. And I liked it, boys. I felt alive. The wilder we got, the more I liked it. He told me right from the start that his family were involved with the Italian mafia. I never quite believed it. Not until I met his grandfather for the first time. The don.

(Uncle Mac takes another long drag from his cigarette.)

Uncle Mac: He was very friendly, the don. Not at all what you'd expect. He had a way of talking to you, where everything he said felt perfectly reasonable. Where he made you want to help him out, because he was such a good guy. So I started working for the mob. Why not? I had no other prospects. I'd been kicked out of school, my family thought I was a bum. Why not get paid for shit me and Silvio were doing anyway? We started going out on jobs togeether. Collecting money for the don. Beating people up. We were good at it. Sometimes it scared me just how good we were. When I broke a leg for the first time...I still remember that snap. I almost wanted to stop, but the don was so proud of me. Told me I was even better at the family business than Silvio. It wasn't long after the leg-breaking...that he sent me to kill someone for the first time.

(Uncle Mac stares into the distance for a moment, as if he can't believe he's saying all this out loud.)

Uncle Mac: The first time was the hardest, it really was. I had Silvio with me, encouraging me. He'd killed before, he said. I had to do it too if I wanted to be like him. I later found out, from the don himself, that Silvio was lying. Truth is he'd fallen far behind me by now. We were supposed to kill the guy together, since it was my first time. But Silvio held back. I had to do it myself. Sure, the guy was trash. He'd stolen from the don. He...he deserved it. Didn't he? Ha. I pointed that gun at him for forty minutes before I finall pulled the trigger. Blew his fucking face off, boys. And then I threw up. And Silvio finally came in, and he laughed because I'd thrown up. And that changed me almost more than the killing. I told myself I'd never be weak again. And I wasn't. I never hesitated again after that. The next killing went off without a hitch, and the next, and the next. And each time I felt less and less. It just became another job to me. I felt nothing for those people. I don't even remember how many of them there were. Their names, their faces, nothing, not after that first one. I was a kiling machine. And I realised, it didn't matter. There's no God, boys. There's no judgement. What we do doesn't make a damn difference. We don't have souls, we're nothing! Just fucking animals, like the cats we used to clean. Killing is just the same as anything else. Just a meaningless action. You can kill a million people and sleep soundly at night as long as you know the truth. And I almost did. I even...I even killed Silvio himself.

(Uncle Mac's cigarrette has burned down by now. He isn't shaking anymore. He actually looks proud of what he's saying.)

Uncle Mac: He was stealing from the mob! From his family, from the don. He should have known what was coming. I was sent to kill him by his grandfather himself. And just for a moment, perhaps no more than a second, I wondered if this was the one that would make me feel something. Killing my best friend. But it didn't, boys. Silvio begged for his life and I gunned him down like he was nothing. I laughed while I did it. Laughed at the universe, at the absurdity of it all. My childhood friend, the man who brought me into this business, gone. And I felt nothing. The don gave me a huge bonus for that one! After that, he sent me all across the country to wipe out his remaining enemies. And it wasn't just me, other mobesters. Women who had defiend him, turned down his money, I gunned them down too. Children. They got in the way sometimes, that was all. I dind't care who I killed. Nothing penetrated my skin anymore. I was above humanity. I was the God I didn't believe in.

(Uncle Mac thinks about this for a moment then sighs.)

Uncle Mac: Then I was sent to kill The Champ. I remember wondering why the don was even bothering me with that one. I guess I'd already killed all his other enemies by that point. The Champ was the only one left, a boxer who the don had paid to throw fights. The Champ had had a changed of heart in the ring, prefering to punch his opponents so hard their noses exploded instead and win his fights. I thought it would be the easiest jobs I ever had. I arrived at his home, I pointed my gun at him, the very one I'd gunned down Silvio with...and The Champ just laughed. He laughed, in the face of death. And not even out of despair, he just thought it was all hilarious! It reminded me of how I'd felt when I'd killed Silvio. So I started laughing too. I couldn't help it. Then The Champ asked if I wouldn't rather do cocaine with him than kill him. I agreed to do a little coke then kill him later. We didn't do a little coke. We did A LOT of coke. And finally, for the first time in years, maybe since my first kill, I actually felt alive again. So I never got round to killing The Champ. We became best friends instead. I decided I wanted to live. I wanted a normal life again. Did I deserve it, after the thousands of people I'd killed? No, but what does that matter? Nobody gets what they deserve. There's still no God, no judgement, not karma even. So why not just stop killing and become a lovable comedy uncle instead? I did so much coke it fried my brain but I was happier that way. Oh, before that, I did make one last kill. The don himself. I showed up at his house and shit him in the head without saying another. I stole 1.7 million dollars from him and ran off with The Champ. And it's that money I used to convert your failed cat cleaning business into a bar. This bar is build on blood, kids, sorry to say. And I guess that's caught up with me at last. I killed Silvio, I killed the don, but the rest of the family have tried to find me for revenge over the years. Guess I'll have to kill again. Or maybe this time it'll be the end of me.

(Uncle Mac shrugs.)

Uncle Mac: The universe doesn't care either way. Well, there it is, boys. You know the whole story now. If you've ever wondered what "evil" truly is, if you believe it exists, you're in the room with it now. What do you think, boys? What do you think of your Uncle Mac?

(Jock and DJ have FALLEN ASLEEP on the pool table as Uncle Mac's story was so long. Studio audience whoop and cheer.)

Uncle Mac: And so it is.

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ walk out of the pool room, still yawning.)

Lucy: Hey, what were you two doing in there with Uncle Mac?

Jock: Well WE were sleeping, while HE told one of his boring-ass stories! What was he even talking about, DJ?

DJ: Something about being the world's most prolific murderer? Just another one of his crazy lies! But at least we got some sleep, should make it easier to stay up tonight.

Lucy: What are you two staying up tonight for?

Jock: To spend half the night SEDUCING Janelle and Heidi, then the rest of the night making SWEET LOVE to them!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: Well could you get them to start paing for their drinks at some point? They're going to put us out of business again!

Jock: No way, sister! They won't sleep with us if we ask them for money.

DJ: Yeah, they're not reverse prostitutes!

(Studio audience explode. Janelle falls off her bar stool.)

Heidi: Tee hee! You've had far too much to drink, Janelle, I'm really worried about you.

Janelle: My life is a joke, Heidi! The only way I can get through the day is by constantly drinking in this cat cleaning themed bar. There's no helping me. There's no saving me. This is what I am now.

Heidi: What if...we went out on a date.

(Studio audience WOOOOOOOO.)

Janelle: You...you really mean it?

Heidi: Sure! We'll go on a date...a DOUBLE date. With Jock and DJ! You with Jock, me with DJ. Tee Hee!

Janelle: Oh...that's what you meant...

Heidi: HEY JACK, DJ, WE'RE GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE! TEE HEE.

(Jock and DJ are standing on opposite sides of the bar. They simultaneously jump right over the bar and high five in mid air. As they high five, their hands hits many glasses that are hanging above the bar, knocking them to the floor and smashing them.)

Lucy: Hey, I have to clean that up!

Jock: Well you've got the time. Not like YOU'RE going on a date with anyone ever again, you spinster!

DJ: Yeah, you just sit at home every night spinning around in ciricles, trying to get as dizzy as possible, because the high you feel from dizziness is the closest you can come to achieving orgasm!

Jock: Oh, that's what that means?

Lucy: That's it, I've had enough of not being appreciated. I QUIT CAT CLEANERS.

(Lucy storms out. Studio audience make SHRUGGING NOISES.)

DJ: Where are we going to take the girls on the date, Jock?

Jock: There's only one possible answer to that...to the big WRESTLING SHOW tonight!

DJ: I hope Randy Macho Man Savage beats The Crippler Chris Benoit!

(Studio audience cheer as they hope the same. Uncle Mac steps out of the pool room. At the same time, the Italian man walks back into the bar. He is still wearing his fake beard and Whiskerton is still clamped to his crotch. He locks eyes with Uncle Mac.)

Italian Man: YOU.

(He takes off his fake beard, then pulls Whiskerton off his crotch.)

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Uncle Mac: Of course. Luigi.

Luigi: You remember me?

Uncle Mac: Silvio's younger brother...

Luigi: And the don's grandson! And the man...who will end your life.

(He takes out a gun and points it at Uncle Mac. It looks like he's about to fire, but Jock and DJ come dancing in front of him.)

Jock and DJ (singing): WE'RE GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE, WE'RE GOING TO GET THEM IN BED AND MATE!

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh yeah!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and DJ are out on their DOUBLE DATE with Janelle and Heidi. They are standing outside a restaurant.)

Jock: Well, here were are at the location of our DOUBLE DATE.

DJ: Let's get it over with so we can have DOUBLE SEX!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Heidi: I'm actually kind of impressed you brought us to a proper restaurant, tee hee!

Janelle: Yeah, I thought you'd take us to a WRESTLING show or something dumb like that.

Jock: Oh, you haven't looked at the NAME of the restaurant yet. Look at the sign!

(Janelle and Heidi look up at the sign above the restaurant's door and GASP. It is named "The Wrestle-taurant.")

Janelle: What the gooseberries!

(Jock and DJ steer them inside. There are normal restaurant tables and chairs all around the place, but in the middle is the fullsize WRESTLING ring where two HAIRY MEN are BODYSLAMMING and TICKLING each other. Pro wrestling legend JIM ROSS is sitting on a chair besides the ring calling the action.)

Jim Ross: Good gawd almight, I've never seen tickling like this before in forty five years in this business! How does Desperate Douglas withstand this tickling, what is head made of, FOR GAWD'S SAKE?

DJ: JR, what are you doing here!?

Jim Ross: They pay me in food, folks! It's my dream job! STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD! Eat your food befor eit goes STONE COLD!

(The studio audience chant for JR as the two couples sit down at a table.)

Jock: Great seat, you can feel the sweat flying off the wrestlers!

Janelle: I don't know what I came on this fucking date.

Jock: So, what do you want to drink? I'm paying!

Janelle: Oh yeah, that's why!

(The waiter walks over. He looks HUFFY and has a SNOBBISH MOUSTACHE. He SCOFFS at the couples.)

Waiter: Urgh. Zee kind of SCUM who eat zere! What don't you all just go outside and out of ZEE TRASH.

DJ: Is there PIZZA out there!?

Heidi: Hey, we're paying costumers, don't be so rude to us! Tee hee!

(The Waiter spits on the table.)

Waiter: Just shout your orders at zee chef, I refuse to talk to you American scum! VIVE LA FRANCE.

(He stomps away.)

Heidi: Why would a snooty French waiter even work at a place like this?

Jock: He's not a real waiter!

DJ: Yeah, he used to be one of the wrestlers. His wresting gimmick was that of a snooty French waiter! He suffered brain damage in a match with Caveman Keith and started to believe he really was a snooty French waiter! His husband built this place for him to work in, so that he'd always be close to a wrestling ring and be able to return to wrestling if his brain ever repaired itself while still working as a waiter!

Janelle: ...when is that drink coming?

Heidi: Wow, that's quite the backstory, tee hee!

DJ: Everyone has a fun backstory! Jock got his name because he used to stuff his jockstack with socks! He couldn't say the word "sock" due to a speech impediment so he said it as "Jock" instead!

Jock: It's true, I have surprisingly small genitals underneath all the jocks!

Heidi: Tee hee! Well, I don't have a backstory.

Janelle: Come on, I went to school with you, I know all about your history.

DJ: Spill!

Heidi: Oh, we didn't know each other that well back then...

Janelle: Yeah, because you were a popular mean girl and I was a nerd! You would have bullied me, if you didn't enjoy bullying BOYS more. You used to get all the boys who fancied you to kick the shit of some poor nerd boy in the mud. And you'd watching, and laugh, and that's when you first developed Tourette's. The sickening origin story of "tee hee."

Jock: Hey, tha'ts funny, DJ was a nerd who was horribly bullied in school!

DJ: Yeah, boys used to throw me down in the mud and kick the shit out of my, while a beautiful popular girl watched, laughing. Wait...

Heidi: Err, did you go to Homer Simpson High School?

DJ: Yes! That...that was you? You were the one who made my life Hell for four years!?

Heidi: I had problems at home, tee hee!

Jock: Oh man, I think I used to fap over you!

Janelle: Wait, you went to HS High too? I don't remember you, I was in the library all the time reading books on my own.

Jock: Hey, I used to hide behind the shelves in there FAPPING over a nerd girl named Janelle who I had a crush on. Could that have been...

(All four look at each other.)

All four: YOU!?

(The waiter slams four pizzas down on the table.)

Waiter: Since you still haven't ordered, I fished four pizza out of the trash and am serving ZHEM to you. I hope you all choke to death!

(He storms off. All four are still just staring at each other in shock.)

DJ: Every day...for four years...constant pain...because of you...

Heidi: I'm sorry! It was a long time ago, I haven't hated nerds for years! I wouldn't be friends with Janelle if I did!

Janelle: And you...for four years...I always suspected someone was hiding in the library fapping over me, but my therapist said I was crazy!

Jock: The school therapist? She was my mom!

(One of the wrestlers BODYSLAMS the other over the top rope and outside of the ring. The massive wresling CRASHES through the table our heroes are sitting around, destroying it and the pizzas.)

Jim Ross: AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh my gawd!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy is sitting in her flat, drinking from a huge glass of wine. She is watching what appears to be security camera footage from the Cat Cleaners Bar on her television. In the footage we see Lucy carrying a huge stack of pints of beer.)

Lucy(on tv): Our biggest order yet, I hope nothing stops this one...

(Jock rides right into her on a skateboard.)

Jock(on tv): COWABUNGA!

(Lucy drops all the pints and they smash.)

Lucy: Urgh, it was like living in a sitcom.

(She skips to another scene on her tv. It's Uncle Mac talking to Jock and DJ in the poolroom.)

Lucy: What did he say to them in there...

(She listens as Mac recounts his whole past as a mafia hitman and the thousands of people he's killed. Lucy's jaw drops open and stays that way. She doesn't hear a loud knocking on her front door. The knocking turns into a banging, growing louder and louder, until the door FLIES off its hinges and nearly kills Lucy. The Champ is standing in the doorway, having punched the door in with his boxing glove clad hand. He has Whiskerton under his other arm.)

The Champ: Crazy fool! Why don't you answer your door!?

Lucy: I was watching security footage of Uncle Mac! DId you know he used to be a mafia hitman and...

The Champ: Yeah yeah, he was sent to kill me but couldn't do it because I'm so cool and always have the best cocaine. Old news. That's why I'm here, I'm looking for Mac! He sent me a text reading "GOODBYE FOREVER" so I'm worried he's planted a bomb somewhere to bow me up! Search that security footage for clues.

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Lucy skips forward in the footage to when Luigi comes into the bar.)

The Champ: That's Luigi! I borrowed money from him and spent it all on cocaine and action figures, that's why Mac was sent to kill me! Looks like he's going to ICE Mac, probably in the woods where everyone gets iced. Let's go, bring your gun!

Lucy: I don't have a gun.

(The Champ throws a gun to her.)

The Champ: Then have mine, let's go!

(They run out of the flat. Cut to Uncle Mac and Luigi in the woods. Mac is digging his own grave and is just about finished.

Luigi: Any last words?

Uncle Mac: I have nothing to say. There is nothing. I killed people. I felt nothing. Now, somebody has come for me. It is logical. I feel nothing.

Luigi: Then it is time...for you to die!

(He aims his gun. The Champ, Lucy and Whiskerton arrive just in time.)

Lucy: That was quick! Lucky I live right next to the woods!

(Camera zooms up to show Lucy's flat is literally looking right down on these woods.)

The Champ: Luigi you crazy Italian stereotype, it's me you want! I'm the one who spent four hundred dollars on cocaine and rare Boba Fetts!

Lucy: Wait, all this is over four hundred dollars?

The Champ: It was a lot of money in 2011!

Uncle Mac: It is I who must die, Champ. It is logical. I killed so many. Innocents. I once blew up a children's hospital just because The Don told me too.

The Champ: ...what.

Luigi: One of the babies looked at The Don funny!

The Champ: I thought I was the first person you were sent to kill and you couldn't do it! I didn't know you were an unfeeling serial killer.

Uncle Mac: Oh, I actually blew up TWO children's hospitals that day. The other was to distract the emergency services so they couldn't possibly save the lives of any of the children at the target hospital.

Luigi: You were the best at what you did! I almost feelt bad about kill you...oh well...

(He's about to fire when suddenly LUCY shoots Luigi in the chest. Luigi falls into the open grave.)

The Champ: Damn, shorty!

Lucy: I listened to everything you said to Jock and DJ in the poolroom, Mac. It felt...right. I've always felt like life is a joke. That nothing really matters. I've always known that there's no God, nobody standing in judgement. That we, ourselves, are Gods, in that we make our own morality. You killed so many...and suffered no consequences. And now I have saved you by taking a life myself...and I feel nothing. No, that's not true. I feel...alive. Now I, Lucy, will beging my own spree of killings. And there's nobody who can stop me.

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Luigi pulls himself out of the grave.)

Luigi: I'm not dead! All mobsters wear bullet proof vests at all times. Ey!

Lucy: ...oh thank God I the reality just hit me.

(Lucy throws up.)

Lucy: Let's forget I said all that silliness!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Uncle Mac: Well, what now.

Luigi: You know what? Honour has been satisfied! I never liked Silvio or The Don anyway.

Uncle Mac: Great! Now that this has been settled, I'm ready to go back to my wacky old self! Let's do cocaine with The Champ and Whiskerton!

The Champ: You crazy murdering bastards stay away from me and Whiskerton! And that includes you, Lucy, you can't just take back what you said because of a bullet proof vest! I might have beaten men to death in the boxing ring and laughed while I did it, but that was sport! What you three stand for is TRUE EVIL and I never want anything to do with any of you ever again!

Whiskerton(angry): MIAOW!

(The Champ and Whiskerton storm off.)

Uncle Mac: Well...threesome in the grave then?

(Lucy and Luigi shrug and start to undress.)

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock and Heidi are sitting on one side of the table, which has been broken down the middle, while DJ and Janelle sit on the other side. DJ and Janelle look upse.t)

Jock: Come on, it's just a broken table!

DJ: That's not why we're upset, man! I've just had to relive the worst years of my life, being bullied in school by Heidi!

Janelle: And I've had to relive hearing the noise of you fapping behind the bookshelves, Jock!

Jock: I wasn't ALWAYS fapping over you! I was fapping over the librarian sometimes too!

Janelle: The librarian who died of a fatal heart attack brought on my the shock of something she saw in the library?

Jock: Yeah, I had to run out of there fast after that!

Janelle: You are a monster! I want nothing to do with you!

DJ: And come to think of it, why did you never stand up for me when Heidi was bullying me?

Jock: She was hot! What was I going to say? "Please, hot girl, stop having boys brutally assault the nerd I pretend not to be friends with to seem cool"?

Heidi: Tee hee! Nobody ever told me sto stop! Maybe I would have if they had...

(DJ and Janelle move their half of the table away from Jock and Heidi's.)

Jock: You know...you still look as good as you did in high school.

Heidi: You don't look so bad yourself...

Jock: Back to Cat Cleaners for sex?

Heidi: Tee hee!

(They get up to leave the restaurant.)

Waiter: Not so fast, capitalist pigdogs! ZOU have to PAY first!

Jock: For the pizza you pulled out of the trash which was destroyed by a wrestler crashing through it?

Waiter: YES. SCUM.

(Jock punches the waiter in the stomach.)

Heidi: Tee hee! I remember now that violence is arousing!

(Jock and Heidi run out as JR cheers them on.)

Jim Ross: RUN YOU CRAZY KIDS, RUN BAH GAWD! THAT FRENCH BASTARD DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER THAN BEING WHIPPED LIKE A GOVERNMENT MULE!

DJ: Do you want to stay, or...

Janelle: Go back to Cat Cleaners for sex?

DJ: I mean, I was just going to say leave but...sure, why not.

Janelle: You know, DJ, I wish we'd been friends in high school.

DJ: Me too.

(They get up and leave, stepping over the waiter's body. Blood is pouring from his mouth. DJ and Janelle go outside and hail a taxi. They climb inside...and find Jock and Heidi already in it.)

DJ: Fuck.

(All four sit in silence as the taxi takes them back to Cat Cleaners. They get out but are shocked to find TOILET PAPER all over the outside of the bar.)

Jock: What!

(Uncle Mac, Lucy and Luigi pull up in another taxi.)

Uncle Mac: UBER is for GOOBERS!

Lucy: Hey, what happened here?

Jock: I don't know, weren't you guys watching the bar?

Lucy: We thought you were!

DJ: Well where are The Champ and Whiskerton?

Uncle Mac: They left the show because me and Lucy are pure evil.

DJ: Oh.

(They all go inside and find the whole bar is COMPLETELY FILLED with toilet paper.)

Heidi: At least it isn't used!

Janelle: This one is, eww!

Uncle Mac: Who could have done such a thing! Elves?

Jock: Maybe...or maybe it was our rival bar DOG BURGERS AND BAR.

(Studio audience boo the name of the hated bar.)

Lucy: Of course, DOG BURGERS AND BAR...it's time someone sorted them out for good.

(Lucy storms out with Uncle Mac following her.)

Luigi: I don't know what to do now.

(He shrugs, lies down on the floor, and pulls some toilet paper over him before falling asleep.)

Jock: Well, at least we're all friends again!

Janelle: No we're not! Nothing has changed! I hate you and Heidi for liking you!

Heidi: Tee hee!

Jock: Well, at least me and DJ are still friends!

DJ: No we're not. And I wonder if we ever even were.

Jock: Well at least I can have sex with Heidi right here in this toilet paper clogged room!

DJ: Knock yourself out.

(DJ and Janelle leave. Jock and Heidi start kissing. Luigi watches from under the toilet paper, smiling pervily.)

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh dear!

 

[CaptainWacky]

The network think this season has gotten "too dark" with "too much murder talk" and "weird sex" so next episode will be a special where The Champ and Whiskerton join the circus.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Champ and Whiskerton are walking down a dark street, looking sad.)

The Champ: I just don't know what to do now, Whiskerton. I hung out with Uncle Mac for so long, did so much cocaine and shit with him, and now it turns out he's a mass murdering mob enforcer! Sure, I've killed people in the boxing ring. Lots of people! Even a few referees! But that was all sport. This shit? This shit ain't for me, dog!

Whiskerton(angry): MIAOW!

The Champ: Sorry, I mean "cat"! This shit ain't for me, cat! I need a light, fluffy, fun adventure!

(A BEARDED LADY has apparently been listening from behind some bins and walks over to The Champ.)

Bearded Lady: I believe I have what you need.

The Champ: Back off, lady, I don't need a beard!

Bearded Lady: No, I mean this!

(She motions with her hand and LIGHTS come on. We see a CIRCUS behind her.)

The Champ: This circus? That takes me back! I grew up as a carny, you know. My parents worked for the carnival, I travelled with them...my dad was a bare kunckle boxer. Got me involved in it at a young age. Made me fight...other boys. With my bare fists. I always won. They didn't always walk after fighting me. When I was twelve he moved me on to fighting adults. Evetually, I had to fight my father himself. There was...so much blood. Sometimes I still see it on my knuckles...

Whiskerton: Miaow!

The Champ: You're right! I have to stop the dark shit and have fun! Let's go to the circus!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(They enter the circus. The Champ buys some COTTON CANDY for him and Whiskerton. Studio audiance go "AWW" at Whiskerton holding the COTTON CANDY stick in his little paws. A STRONGMAN with one of those strenght test hammer things notices them.)

Strongman: Step right up and test your strength! Are you strong like Kate Mulgrew? Or weak like Robert Beltran!

The Champ: I'm strong like Kate Mulgrew, give me that hammer!

(He grabs the hammer and swings it as hard as he can at the strength testing THING. But it only goes as high as "Robert Duncan McNeil." Studio audience boo.)

The Champ: What! I'm much stronger than Tom Paris! I'll kill you!

Whiskerton; Miaow!

(Whiskerton has run over to a large tent.)

The Champ: Fine, I'll kill you later.

(He runs after Whiskerton and enters the tent. It is full of LIONS in cages. Studio audience gasp.)

The Champ: Be careful, Whiskerton! You might be related to these guys, but they'll still eat you! Just like how hillbilly canniabls eat white folks!

(The RING MASTER enters the tent.)

Ring Master: I am the ring master, lion trainer and owner of this circus!

The Champ: Well that certainly reduces the number of characters who need to appear! Are thse lions happy to be in cages?

Ring Master: Sure. And if they get sad, I just whip them until they are happy again!

(He pulls out his whip and cracks it as a demonstration. Whiskerton is scared and runs into one of the lion cages.)

The Champ: Damn it, Whiskerton, be careful! We're supposed to be having a light, fluffy, network friendly adventure! You don't want to get eaten by a lion!

(A lion eats Whiskerton.)

The Champ: NOOOOOO! Not Whiskerton! I can't lose you too! Not like Mac...and my dad...so much blood...I'm going to punch that lion in the stomach until it pukes you up!

Ring Master: You can't punch my prize lion!

(The Champ punches the Ring Master in the stomach. The Ring Master pukes up a kitten.)

The Champ: ...I don't even have time to react to that shit!

Ring Master: It's a sex thing!

(The Champ enters the lion cage. The lion cowers in fear.)

The Champ: Man, I don't want to punch you. You're obviously just scared because the Ring Master whips you. Tell you what, I'll let you and your lion friends go free if you don't digest Whiskerton. Deal?

(The lion SPITS Whiskerton into The Champ's arms.)

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Studio audience cheer. The Champ unlocks all the lion cages and the lions run off.)

The Champ: Man it feels good to do some good and free those lions into the wild!

Ring Master: We live in a city!

The Champ: Shut up, you kitten-eating freak!

(The Champ and Whiskerton run to the BIG TOP. Thee are ACROBATS and TRAPEZE ARTISTS putting on a show.)

The Champ: Stop the show! The Ring Mater is a kitten-eating, lion-whipping pervert!

(The circus audience gasp. The Ring Master enters the big top with STRONGMAN.)

Ring Master: I guess I'll just have to KILL EVERYONE HERE so that the truth about my depraved kitten-eating sex addiction doesn't come out!

The Champ: You and what army?

(TEN MORE Strongmen enter and some of the trapeze artists turn out to be evil and start swining down toward The Champ holding KNIVES.)

The Champ: Oh.

Whiskerton: Miaow!

The Champ: I guess I have no choice. It's time to get my knuckles bloody one more time. Oh dad...

(Whiskerton shakes his head and pulls something out of the backpack he was wearing all along but I never mentioned until now. It's THE CHAMP'S BOXING GLOVES.)

The Champ: Now I won't be able to see the blood! Thanks, Whiskerton!

(He puts the gloves on and punches the first trapeze artist right in the face as he flies down. The Strongmen surround him. The Champ punches them all one by one as they advance. Luckily they only attack one at a time. But eventually they grabe ahold of him and the main strongman approaches with the STRONGMAN HAMMER.)

Strongman: I rigged the game, by the way! You're still the only person to ever be stronger than Ethan Phillips on it! But now you die!

(He prepares to hit The Champ with the hammer...but the LIONS run into the big top. They start to SAVAGeLY MAUL the strongmen. Studio audience cheer.)

Strongman: My guts!

Ring Master: Oh shit, I better get out of here!

(He turns to run but BEARDED LADY hits him in the face with a frying pan.)

Bearded Lady: That's for drugging me with the beard-growing drug!

The Champ: Everything ended up fine!

(Lions are eating strongmen in the background.)

Bearded Lady: But now we need somebody new to run the circus. Someone who grew up as a carny and has shown he won't stand for lion mistreatment. Someone...like you.

The Champ: Me?

Whiskerton: Miaow!

The Champ: Then it's settled. Whiskerton and I will JOIN THE CIRCUS and NEVER return to Cat Cleaners again!

(The cricus audience cheer, thinking this was all part of the show!)

The Champ(looking directly into the camera): Goodbye, Cat Cleaners viewers.

Whiskerton: Goodbye!

(The Champ does a double take at Whiskerton speaking English. Fade to black as the lions sleep after fully consuming all the strongmen.)

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Caption "DOG BURGERS AND BAR" pops up on screen. Studio audience boo loudly. BARMAN walks out of the backroom and into the bar. The booing intensifies.)

Barman: Haha, this place is really jumpin' now that we've destroyed Cat Cleaners one and for all!

(We see that there are only three customers in the bar. An elderly lady who is stroking a stuffed dog, an obese man and a drunk guy who instantly falls off his barstool and smashes his head on the floor.)

Barman: The busiest it's been in years! And they said it was a bad idea opening a combined burger joint and bar with a dog theme!

(Barmaid walks out from the backroom.)

Barmaid: It was.

(Studio audience laugh because even though Barmaid works in Dog Burgers And Bar they still respect her SASSINESS.)

Barman: We only lost seventy thousand dollars this week! We'll be making a profit in no time. Especially when Pam gets here.

Barmaid: It is completely immoral to continue selling burgers to Pam when we know she's only got days to live due to the health problems she devloped from eating too many burgers!

Barman: Yeah but she's a great tipper!

(PAM walks in.)

Pam: Evening, everybody!

Everybody except drunk guy who is still unconscious and possibly dead: PAM!

Barman: How's the world treating you, Pam?

Pam: Like a dog treats a leg!

(She sits down on her favourite barstool.)

Pam: Now fucking serve me burgers or I'll kill you all.

(Everyone laughs.)

Pam: I'm not joking.

Barman: Let the good times roll!

(Suddenly the door swings open again.)

Barman: Hmm, that's funny, we never have more than four costumers!

(LUCY is standing in the doorway holding a MACHINE GUN.)

Lucy: I'm not here as a customer. I'm here as your doom.

Barmaid: What the fuck.

Barman: Oh come on, Lucy, it's obvious that machine gun isn't real. You're just a girl, no girl can handle a machine gun!

(Lucy shoots every glasses hanging above the bar with her machine gun.)

Barmaid: Christ if I wasn't scared for my life I'd be cheering right now.

Barman: Listen..it was just a little toilet paper. That's not worth murdering over!

Lucy: Normally I'd agree. And this isn't really about the toilet paper. I have seen through the veil. I have looked into the eye of the void and saw only myself looking back. There is no God. There is no punishment, no judgement. Morality is an invention of man and all men will die. Therefore it makes no difference if I brutally gun down all six of you. The only result will be that I'll feel alive again, as I did when I thought I'd murdered Luigi. The only thing I can ever be sure of is my own existence and only then through validation. The only validation I can feel is through taking a life. Or six.

Obese Guy: ...I knew I should have picked a better bar.

Elderly Lady: What was all that, dear? I need to turn my hearing aid up!

Drunk Guy: ...

Barmaid: She sounds like she means whatever the fuck she just said.

(Uncle Mac runs in.)

Uncle Mac: Wait! Lucy, don't do this! Once you take a life, there is no turning back.

Lucy: That's what I'm counting on. And why would you, of all people, try to stop me? You, who have killed thousands yourself? You, the man who exposed to me the lie that is life. The joke of existence. My killing of them would make absolutely no difference to the universe. The neutrinos will keep on spinning.

Uncle Mac: I...I lied! Okay? I've never killed anyone! I'm not really a hitman for the mob! I sold vacuum cleaners for forty years! I just...I wanted to look like a big man to my nephew and his bisexual friend. I wanted somebody to think I was important. I'm...nobody.

Barman: Ha, classic!

(Lucy shoots his hat off (Barman was wearing a hat.).)

Lucy: What about Luigi?

Uncle Mac: He's just a mentally ill guy I sold a vacuum to once! Once a year he comes round and I pretend to be a hitman and he watches my nephew have sex while masturbating. It's all perfectly normal!

Lucy: I...I believe you, Mac. You are just a sad crazy old man. You've never killed anyone.

Uncle Mac: Exactly! Meep meep! Now let's leave before you accidentally riddle Pam's body with bullets!

Pam: Yeah, this body is only to be riddled by burgers!

Lucy: Fine. I won't machine gun them to death.

(Lucy turns to leave.)

Uncle Mac: But don't tell anybody I'm just a said old pervert, okay!

Barman: Too late, I just posted it to my TIKTOK!

Barmaid: Everyone will know what a joke Cat Cleaners is!

Uncle Mac: Drat!

(He leaves and runs after Lucy.)

Uncle Mac: Boy, that was close.

Lucy: Yes. Killing them with bullets...it would not have been dramatic enough.

Uncle Mac: What...what do you mean?

(Dog Burgers and Bar EXPLODES in massive blast behind them. Nobody could possibly survive the explosion.)

Uncle Mac: You...you planted a bomb?

Lucy: My grandad is Irish. He taught me all his IRA secrets.)

(Studio audience inappropriately cheer.)

Uncle Mac: But...you just killed six people!

Lucy: Yes. And it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. Seems like I'm going to have to kill a whole lot more...

Uncle Mac: The...the TIKTOK post! Barman uploaded it before the bar blew up! The cops will see it, and trace the exposion back to Cat Cleaners. You'll be caught!

Lucy: Not if I disappear into the wind. And not if I clean up some loose ends first.

Uncle Mac: What does that mean? Lucy, why are you looking at me like that? Why are you approaching me with your arms out-stretched? Lucy, NOOOO!

TO BE CAT-TINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(DJ and Janelle are sitting on a bench in the park across the street from Cat Cleaners. DJ is staring at the bar.)

DJ: I spent so much of my life there. And for what? I thought I was happy, being with Jock. We always had such crazy fun. But now I know the truth. He left me to be tortured by a psychotic hot girl with Tourette's while he fapped over you from behind a bookcase. So were all the wacky adventures we had together even real? They feel like a lie. Like a waste.

Janelle: They felt good in the moment though, didn't they?

DJ(smiling bitterly): Yeah, they did.

Janelle: Maybe that's the best any of us can hope for. My relationship with Heidi was complex too, you know. I was shocked when I found out that she was a genius, like I am. I only knew her as the hot school bully with Tourette's. But there's more to her. We became friends as we studied together to join NASA. She became a sweet person. I...fell for her. I have to admit that. I really did. And it was me who ruined our NASA careers by revealing to you and DJ that you were on a reality show, not her. I owe her.

DJ: You don't owe her shit! She's back-slided, and so is Jock. Now that they're togheter, they'll be toxi. They'll bring out the worst in each other. And I don't want to be around to see it.

Janelle: I still think there's hope for her...maybe she'll turn Jock down.

(From Cat Cleaners across the street, we hear the scream of Heidi as she orgasms.)

Janelle: ...okay, maybe not.

DJ: Maybe you and I should get out of here, together. You can't stay around Cat Cleaners anymore anyway, you have a drinking problem.

Janelle: And you have a Jock problem. You're right. Let's leave. Together.

(They kiss. Studio audience are stunned by how serious everything is and don't know how to react.)

DJ: I want to leave a note for Jock, at least. Let him know I'm okay. And that he'll never see me again.

(Inside Cat Cleaners, Jock and Heidi are lying together under the toilet paper. Someone slides a note under the door.)

Jock: That was amazing, Heidi.

Heidi: Tee hee! It was pretty great. We should have been doing this all along.

Jock: It's a shame DJ and Janelle got mad at us, but they'll calm down. Well, DJ will anyway. He always does.

Heidi: Janelle is my best friend. She helped me become a better person. I don't want to lose her from my life. I'll call her after we've had sex another eight times.

Jock: Only eight?

Heidi: Tee hee!

Jock: But yeah, I feel the same way about DJ. Maybe I should let him know more often. Maybe I should apologise for leaving him to be beaten up by your gang every day while I fapped in the library. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Heidi: You know...maybe we should talk to them now and have sex later. Maybe it's time to grow up.

Jock: I think you're right, my love. Hang on, what's this?

(He spots the note and reads it.)

Jock: Oh no! DJ and Janelle are taking a train to Canada!

Heidi: The train to Canada leaves in ten minutes, and the station's just around the corner. We can make it, we can stop them!

(They both quickly pull their clothes on, after the studio audience get to see them fully naked, and run out. Luigi comes crawling out from under the toilet paper. He looks very tired.)

Luigi: Thank you, Mac, for letting me watch. But if you only knew the real truth about who I am...and what YOU are...

(Luigi crawls back under the toilet paper and we hear fappings sounds again.)

Luigi: Oh Jock, JOCK!

(Jock and Heidi run into the train station. A train has just left. Jock grabs an old lady.)

Jock: That train...was it?

Old Lady: The last train to Canada? Yes it was! Early, for once!

(Jock pushes the old lady onto the railway tracks in frustration.)

Jock We're too late. They're gone.

Heidi: Tee hee?

(They sadly walk back towards Cat Cleaners together. Jock's phone rings.)

Jock: Maybe it's DJ...

(He answers it.)

Jock: Oh, hi Uncl Mac...

Uncle Mac: Listen to me Jock, have you seen Lucy?

Jock: No, I can't even remember the last time I saw her.

Uncle Mac: She was going to strangle me, Jock...but shadowy figures arrived. I ran. They...reminded me of something. I've been remembering things, Jock. Things I thought never actually happened. I sold vacuums...didn't I? I don't even know anymore. Lucy turned her machine gun on the shadowy figures. I could hear it. She said she's going to tie up the loose ends, Jock. You're a loose end! Get out of Cat Cleaners! Stay away! She's going to...oh shit, THEY'RE BACK!

(The call ends abruptly.)

Jock: That's my crazy Uncle Mac...I guess?

(Jock and Heidi turn the corner, arriving where Cat Cleaners should be...but it is gone. It has exploded, in the same way Dog Burgers and Bar did. There is nothing left. Nothing at all.)

Jock: I....no. No!

(He falls to his knees. Heidi can do nothing but put a hand on the back of his neck to comfort him.)

Jock: No.

THE END

BUT CAT CLEANERS WILL RETURN

IN CAT CLEANERS: ONE YEAR LATER