Dr Dave Solves Crimes

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter the First

My friend Dr Dave, the world's great detective, had been on the trail of the Deadly Poisoner for some time. He'd managed to get all the suspects together in a big room, as was his style. I was there too, eyeing a delicious looking stack of pancakes on a table. I hoped he would reveal the poisoner's true and deadly identity soon so I could indulge myself in a pancake or four. Four being the limit my body had set on the number of pancakes I could eat in a single session before it turned unpleasant. There was also a bowl of oranages on the table but I'd rather die than eat one of those.

"This is outrageous!" said Lady Maisie Sleepyhead. "I'm not a poisoner! Yes I admit I hired goons to beat my husband to near death, but I didn't poison him while he was recovering in hospital! He deserved that beating, he recorded over the final episode of Frasier before I could watch it!"

"Perhaps you didn't poison him," said Dr Dave. "But you are in league with the real poisoner. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JED?"

"Me!?" asked Jed Dunst, a dentist and bastard. "I never poisoned no one! As a dentist I have taken an oath to never poison no one!"

"A double negative!"I said, excited. "He must be the poisoner!"

"No, Wackson, shut up," said Dr Dave, and I shut up. "If that is the case, then why don't you eat one of these delicious pancakes, HUH, JED? OR AN ORANGE!"

"I'm not hungry!" he said, shying away from the table.

"Then why am I here?" asked the third suspect, the well respected horse seller Charles Dance (not the actor.)

"Oh, I just needed you here to draw the other two out," said Dr Dave. "I know you aren't the poisoner, Dance. After all, the poisoner tried to poison you once before!"

"Indeed" said Dance. "But I didn't eat the pancakes."

"No?" asked Dr Dve.

"I would never be so silly as to fall foul of the Deadly Pancake Poisoner!" said Dance.

"But how do you know it was the pancakes that were poisoned in your home?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well I...the police told me?" he said.

"No, I instructed them to not reveal which food item was poisoned."

"Well you...you just offered Jed a pancake and he refused. Because they're poisoned!"

"I also offered him an orange, yet you didn't mention refusing to eat those. And I happen to know for a fact that your house is stuffed full of oranges!"

"This is absurd!"

"No...it's good old fashioned detective work, bitch!" said Dr Dave. Charles Dance looked around. He realised he'd been caught out by Dr Dave, like so many others before him. He turned and tried to ran...then tripped and fell.

"My shoelaces are tied together!" he said.

"I did it earlier, when I dropped my handkerchief on the floor. And I'd do it again," said Dr Dave. It was then that Inspect Tomtrek of the Yard jumped out from under the table.

"Excellent work once again!" he said. "You've proven beyond a doubt that Charles Dance is the Poisoner! But how did you know Jed wouldn't eat one of the pancakes?"

"Bastards hate pancakes," said Dr Dave.

"It's true!" said Jed and we all laughed. Inspector Tomtrek's officers took Dance away and Lady Sleepyhead and Jed followed.

"And, with that, you have finally solved crime!" said Tomtrek.

"Crimes," Dr Dave corrected. "I solve crimes, not crime as an abstract concept."

"No, I mean you have now solved all crimes in London!" said Tomtrek. "Everyone know of your crime solving abilities and no one will ever dare commit a crime in the city again! The poiosner was the last man foolish enough to break the law."

"That makes logical sense," said Dr Dave. "I suppose I must now retire to my bees in the country."

"Not so fast!" said Tomtrek. "My superiors have come up with an even bigger plan. They want you...to solve every crime in the world!"

"I think I see where this is going," said Dr Dave.

"They want you...TO BE CLONED!" said Inspector Tomtrek. "One clone for every city in the world!"

"SILENCE, REMEMBER WACKSON'S HOMOSEXUALITY!" said Dr Dave. But it was too late.

My homosexuality had caused me to faint at the thought of multiple Dr Daves.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

A Note On Wackson's Sexuality

It is necessary, at this time, to finally lift the veil on the true nature of my sexuality. I know it is a matter that has been speculated on by my readers since I began writing my accounts of Dr Dave's adventures. I was always curious as to why so many readers (I estimated it once at 94% of them) assumed I was a homosexual, when they knew I was a married to a lady. I asked my wife if she had any idea why this would be so in bed one night.

"Well, you are, aren't you?" she shouted over from her bed on the side of the room.

"Am what?" I asked, surprised, from the bed I slept alone in every night.

"A homosexual!" she said. "Isn't that the reason for our arrangement?"

"What arrangement?" I asked, as my wife's lover returned from the bathroom and climbed into bed with her. I noticed, with approval, he incredibly toned male buttocks.

"Err, this one? The one where we never touch each other and I take many lovers to satify me while you watch from your bed?"

"Oh," I said. "I thought that was normal in a marriage. And it seems to work for us."

"It does! I don't mind at all that you're in love with your co-worker Dr Dave and that you'll never feel that way about me!"

"Well, of course I love him, he is the greatest of men. And of course I could never feel that way about you, a mere woman. But I do care for you! And my love for Dr Dave is not sexual in any way."

"Isn't it, Wackson? Isn't it? Mmmmm, Roddy!" Roddy was her lover. I settled back to watch the show, as I did every night, but in truth I wasn't thinking about Roddy pleasuring my wife. I was thinking about Dr Dave. Did I truly love him in the way my wife had said?

The next day I asked Loktar the same question on his park bench.

"Why, yes, of course you do!" said Loktar. "And I'm pleased you've finally realised it. Everyone should feel fry to love what they love."

"I can't believe it!" I said. "But...maybe it's true. Thank you, Loktar. Could I ask, though, what is it that you love?"

"Park benches, of course! Now get off of her, she's all mine!" I made a hasty retreat from the bench and ran to Dr Dave's house. I ran straight past his housekeeper MissManners and into his study.

"I LOVE YOU SEXUALLY, DR DAVE, APPARENTLY!" I said.

"Of course you do," he said, without looking away from his book on owls. "I've known since the first time we met."

"Oh," I said, not even surprised. He was always one step, or, in this case, eight years, ahead of me. "Well, can I leave my wife for you?"

"Certainly not! I'm not gay, Wackson. I like ladies. I just don't date at the moment because my crime solving and owl studies take up so much time."

"I supposed I can't be your assistant anymore then," I said, sadly.

"Whyever not? I've known of your obsession with me for the last eight years and it has never given me a moment's pause. Don't be a silly brick. Things can continue between us as normal. Maybe you'll meet a nice man on our next adventure and you can leave your horrible abusive wife for him."

"Hopefully!" I said.

And now, I think, you understand why I fainted at the thought of multiple Dr Dave's.

 

[Loktar]

Lol. So thats why I have splinters in my cock. Ouch.

 

[Dr Dave]

Dr Dave approved.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter Two: A Scientist Enters

I awoke to find myself lying down in the back of Inspector Tomtrek's police car.

"Ah, Wackson, good to see you awake," said Tomtrek, who was driving.

"Eyes on the road, Inspector," said Dr Dave, unimpressed. "You almost ran over a squirrel two miles ago."

"Why didn't you drive if you are so unhappy with my driving skills!" said a hurt Tomtrek.

"Because I need to be here to slap Wackson into consciousness if he faints again," said Dr Dave "Also I hate driving."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To see the scientist who the police have employed to create the clones!" said Tomtrek. "The Dr Dave clones!"

I fainted again and awoke to find my face being slapped by Dr Dave.

"Yes, thank you," I said.

"We're here," said Tomtrek. We headed out of the car and into what look like an abandoned warehouse.

"A shabby place for a scientist to science!" I said

"This warehouse is just a cover," said Tomtrek. "Stand on...oh, Dr Dave's already standing on the right spot."

"Yes I know the outline for a secret elevator when I see one," said Dr Dave. I stoof beside him and the secret elevator took us down to the an underground labratory. It was a state of the art facility. No one would ever have gussed it lay beneath such a dirty warehouse.

"So many test tubes!" said Tomtrek. "Ah, here comes the scientist."

"I wonder if he can really create clones of my friend Dr Dave!" I said.

"Not he, Wackson," said Dr Dave, pointing. "SHE."

"Hello, I'm Cassie the scientist!" said a lady in a lab coat. "A DNA SCIENTIST!"

"A lady scientist!" I said. "Now I've seen everything! Except the movie Cats. AND I NEVER WILL."

"So this is the famous Dr Dave, is it?" asked Cassie the scientist. "Well, you don't look like how I imagined the world's greatest detective, but I guess I don't look like a scientist either according to your sexist friend. Anyway, just give me a sample of your DNA and I can begin creating the clones and end crime all over this planet we call Earth!"

"I have not agreed to give you my DNA," said Dr Dave. "You could be a charlatan or a villain."

"But her test tubes!" said Tomtrek.

"You want to know how quickly the clones will be able to see action? A matter of weeks! I have developed a way of growing clones to adulthood superfast using vinegar and dark science."

"Yes, I have researched such a technique myself," said Dr Dave, impatient. "What I want to know is how can these clones reliably fight crime as well as I can? They would not have my memories. They would have to be trained."

"That's where you're wrong," she said, smiling. "I have developed a way to pass memories through DNA."

"I can't believe it!" I said.

"Prove it, scientist!" said Dr Dave.

"I'm glad you asked!" she said. "Please meet...TOMTREK TWO."

A man identical to Tomtrek entered the room.

"I'm the second Tomtrek!" he said. "And I'm also impressed by all these test tubes!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter Three: A Tale Of Two Tomtreks

"You did it!" said the original Tomtrek. "You cloned me, just like you said you would!"

"That's right," said Cassie. "Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard gave me permission to create a clone and grow it to maturity. And I used the DNA memory technique to make him identical to the real Tomtrek."

"It's true, I know everything he knows!" said Tomtrek Two. "Even about the biscuits!"

"Shit!" said Tomtrek.

"That's not proof," said Dr Dave, walking around Tomtrek Two, inspecting him from all angles. "This clone could die at any moment due to improper cloning tehcniques. I once cloned Wackson as an experiment, but the clone Wackson died after living twelve minutes of pure agony."

"What!" I said.

"Yes, I read your paper in THE CLONE SCIENCE JOURNAL," said Cassie. "With all due respect, while you are the world's greatest detective, I am the world's greatest cloner. This Tomtrek is perfectly healthy and will not suddenly die in agony like so many clones before him! Look at this x-ray of his bones!"

She help up an x-ray of some bones. Dr Dave put his x-ray reading glasses on and exmined them.

"Yes, this all seems to be in order," he admitted, somewhat reluctantly. "But the DNA memory business? Pure science fantasy!"

"Ask Tomtrek Two any question and he'll be able to answer as Tomtrek woul,d even though they have never met before this day," said Cassie.

"Who is your favourite female celebrity?" asked Dr Dave, his standard question in this type of situation.

"Lady Michelle Trachtenberg of the Americas, of course!" said Tomtrek Two.

"By jove!" I ejaculated.

"Could merely be a guess," said Dr Dave, dismissively. "Even I admire Lady Trachtenberg and her pale skin and perfect eyebrows! I need more proof than that before signing my very DNA away! Answer me THIS, Tomtrek Two...what was the first thing you said to me when we first me?"

Tomtrek Two thought about it for a moment. "Oh, I remember now!" he said. "I said...Star Wars is good!"

"That's right!" said the original Tomtrek. "I'd just watched the first movie in that series at the cinemaplex, when Dr Dave arrived to investigate why seventeen people in the theatre with me had died! Turned out it was poisoned popcorn. I had been so engrossed by the movie that I hadn't even eaten any of mine, nor noticed the horrible tragedy playing out around me."

"I like Baby Yoda!" I added, needlesssly.

"Then it is true," said Dr Dave, in wonder. "You have found a way to replciate memories...which means I must sign of my DNA and memories so you can create an army of Dr Dave clones to bring peace to the world!"

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Logically there is no reason to say no!" said Dr Dave. "I have wiped out crime in London, improving life for all, how can I deny the rest of the world my genius? Every city needs a clone of me to end all illegal activities. Take my DNA, woman! TAKE IT ALL!"

"Err, I just need to swab your cheek," she said

"BUT WHICH CHEEK!" said both Tomtreks at the same time. Both laughed, then looked at each other in a queer way. I wondered if they would experiment with each other's bodies after we left. I must admit i was somewhat jealous of the prospect.

"And so it begins," said Dr Dave, as Cassie fetched a CHEEK SWAB from a bottle. "The end of all crime."

"A paradise on Earth!" I said.

"Why, then, do I have a feeling of such foreboding..." said Dr Dave.

TO BE DAVETINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

BUMP FOR POSSIBLE CORONA RETURN.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter Four: ONE YEAR LATER

ONE YEAR LATER

One year later, Dr Dave and I were happily living together in the country as chums, enjoying our retirements. He tended to his bees and beer, I wrote Young Adult mystery novels about a sassy private investigator named Tissy Phone. I must admit she was inspired by the real Tisiphone, but she never showed up to complain! All crime had been wiped out months ago by the millions of perfect Dr Dave clones Cassie had grown in her cloning fields. Every town in the world had one, and two or more for every city. The criminals had not stood a chance. Even the most mild of crimes had been eliminated: nobody stole hats anymore anywhere in the world. Imagine it, a world where the hat you owned would be your hat for life. A paradise on Earth.

And yet that feeling of foreboding had never quite left my friend Dr Dave. He had buried it, tucked it away in one of the many rooms of his memory palace, but it still lived within him. I could sense it at times, as we sat on our chairs watching Star Trek: The Next Generation together. He would smiled at the antics of Commander Riker, but on the inside he was still troubled. I could see it in his eyes.

"There's nothing to worry about," I would say at times in an attempt to reassure him. "There is no more crime! The clones are all you, they cannot turn evil as you do not have the capacity for evil!"

"Actually I do!" he replied one time. "I have the capacity for great evil, Wackson. Remember Dr Dace, my dark mirror? Do not pretend there is not the possibility of evil in me! Those who study evil, Wackson, are studied by evil. Evil knows it would have a powerful ally in me. Evil knows it could do great, terrible thing using my body and mind. It is a constant struggle to keep the evil at bay. I have dedicated 0.005% of my brain functions to the task at all times."

"Then that is your fear?" I asked. "That some of the clones will give in to the darkness?"

"No!" he snapped. "Of course not. Each of the clones is endowed with my knowledge that the path of evil is not the one to take. The path of good will be walked by every Dr Dave to ever live. I MAY WALK NO OTHER PATH."

"Then what!" I asked, growing tired of his worry. It had been almost a year at this point.

"I...I don't know," he said. "I just don't know, Wackson."

"Maybe you're wrong for the first time ever," I said, smiling.

"There's more chance of you getting back with your wife than that!" he laughed.

And so we come to his day, one year after Cassie first received a sample of Dr Dave's DNA and this whole business begun. The day the greatest mystery to ever face Dr Dave revealed itself. It started, as these things invariably do, with a woman.

Someone knocked the door.

"Who could that be?" I asked. "Maybe the Tomtreks stopping by for a visit?" They had not spent a minute apart in the last year.

"No, they're at the Biscuit Convention," said Dr Dave. "It could well be a lady, Wackson."

I opened the door and there was a lady standing there.

"Hello, I am Mirah Childe," she said, at once. "And I'm here to report...A CRIME."

"Impossible!" I ejaculated. "Crime has been wiped out."

"Let her speak, Wackson," said Dr Dave, slowly walking over. I could see resignation in his eyes. The moment had arrived. "What crime, Miss Childe?"

"The worst crime of all!" she said. "MURDER!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Chapter Five: MURDER

"Liar!" I accused, with a point.

"Do you want to see the crime scene photos?" asked Mirah Childe. "I must warn you, they show a body that has deceased. A dead body, if you will."

"Pershaps the person is merely wounded!" I spat.

"His head exploded," said Mirah.

"Let me see," said Dr Dave, with his usual calm. I didn't want to believe it. Surely crime had not returned to the world? Dr Dave had ended it with his millions of brothers. But an exploded head...that would change everything.

Mirah handed Dr Dave the crime photos. He studied them.

"Yes, quite dead," he said after a while. "Tell me more, Miss Childe."

"That's my co worker at the pizza factory, James Bastard. I did not like him, but I didn't want his head to explode either! One minute we were sitting at the pizza sorting table, sorting pizza, the next all the pizzas were ruined on account of his head exploding all over them."

"Did anyone have reason to dislike him?" asked Dr Dave.

"Yes, eighteen people," she said. "He lived up to his name."

"Yes, men named James are often hated," said Dr Dave.

"I didn't mean...anyway, can you help me solve this crime?" she asked.

"What has your local Dr Dave said about it?" he asked.

"When he was told about the crime, he said it must have been a lie them jumped out a window and ran off into the woods," she said. "You didn't react the same way, so I assume something was wrong with him."

"Perhaps," said Dr Dave. "There is only one logical solution: myself and Wackson must travel with you to...where was it you said you come from?"

"AUSTRALIA, mate!" she said, and I noticed her strong accent for the first time. I was so thrown by the news of the crime that I had lost my keen sense of observation.

"Yes, of course," said Dr Dave. "It will be a long flight, Wackson. Fetch my Game Boy. Miss Childe, if you could give us a minute..." She nodded and waited outside.

"Dr Dave, my dear friend, you must be so hurt," I said.

"I'm fine, Wackson," he said, but I saw something in his eye. A sadness. "I always knew it was a possibility."

"If one of the Dr Dave clones is defective, others could be too," I said. "Crime could start up again all over the world..."

"Perhaps, my friend, it is not the clones that are defective," said Dr Dave, reflectively. "Perhaps it is the original who is at fault. Maybe if this crime had happened within my jurisdiction I would have also failed to stop it. A head exploding all over pizza? I see no obvious cause..."

"It can't be!" I said. "It's...it's a mistake. Everyone across the world knows not to commit crimes, because you'll instantly solve them and send them away or execute them on the spot, Dr Dave style. This criminal...maybe he just woke up from a coma!" Dr Dave smiled.

"Perhaps!" he said. I wans't sure if I'd convinced him, but he looked happier. "Let us go, Wackson. I ordered plane tickets with my mobile telephone while we were speaking. TO AUSTRALIA!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

I awoke with a start in Dr Dave's study. He was sitting by the television set, waiting for Murder, She Wrote to begin, just as he had been when I had fallen asleep. But...wasn't that a year ago? Before he solved the Deadly Poisoner crime? Before he was cloned? Before I'd admitted my homosexuality to him? Wait, was I homosexual? And hadn't Dr Dave and I been about to depart on a trip to Australia? I was sure that was true! I'd been writing it all down to post in my Live Journal. I quickly opened up my laptop...and found nothing in of which I just spoke of in my Live Journal.

"Dr Dave, how long have I been asleep?" I asked.

"Four minutes, nineteen seconds," he replied, not taking his eyes from the television. The final advert break before Murder had begun.

"Could I have really dreamed it all in just two hundred and fifty nine seconds?" I wondered aloud. "The Deadly Poisoner, my homosexuality, the Dr Dave clones, two Tomtreks, Australia...all a dream?"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," Dr Dave said. "Australia? Isn't that a country? I can't remember, I always check a globe when I have to think about countries. It's my one weakness, tell no one."

"Then it really was a dream!" I said. "If you can't remember any of it...so there are no Dr Dave clones, there never was a Deadly Poisoner...I'm not a gigantic homosexual..."

"Well maybe it wasn't all imagined," Dr Dave suggested, gently.

"No, it was all a dream!" I said. "Yet I posted it all in the Mine Field, didn't I? In a thread?"

"The What Field?" asked my friend.

"Even the Mine Field was dreamed!" I ejaculated. "Anyone who read that thread in the Mine Field should just ignore everything it contained! Nothing of it happened!"

"If the Mine Field was a dream, then those who could read it would be mere dreamfolk themselves," said Dr Dave. It was nearly She Wrote time and he was growing irritable, probably through fear that I would talk throughout the episode.

"True!" I said. "So I don't have to worry about disappointing them by wasting their time! Besides, the dream Wackson could simply placate them by promising to start a new Dr Dave thread before the end of the year."

"Yes, now that that is all settled, it is time for silence," said Dr Dave, as his favourite tv show began.

"I wonder what our next adventure will bring..." I said to myself. The details of the dream were already fading from my mind. I shrugged to myself and settled down to watch the greatest television show ever made.

THE END

BUT DR DAVE AND WACKSON WILL RETURN

IN A NEW THREAD

SOMETIME THIS YEAR

PROBABLY