First draft of the short story I'm writing.

[Mentalist]

I am not shy about showing half-completed... Or half-assed if you want to put it that way, work. This is a story I am working on and I for once have a firm grip of where it is going. This is a ROUGH draft and stops abruptly since thats only how far I have got. Since this is a writers club I thought I would drop it here and show it in this state before any refining of the writing has been done. Opinions on style and such are welcome. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Just keep in mind you're reading a rough draft is all

Lilah woke with a start.

Her body was stiff and cold and she was lying flat on her back on a damp gravelly surface. As her eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom about her she could make out a silhouette of a man smoking what looked like a cigar, stooping over her.

"What, where.. Who are you," the words left her sheepishly. She pulled herself up onto her knees with some difficulty, the figure walked forward and offered her a hand.

Lilah shimmed away. "Who are you, what have you done to me, get back!"

The man took the cigar out of his mouth and spoke. "'What' is a good but difficult question, 'where' can be answered in good time, and 'who': is me, Keevan. I am the Administrator of this place. It is unfortunate indeed you are so young, but here, let me help you up, I mean you no harm." The man offered his hand again and Lilah took it reluctantly and pulled herself to her feet. She looked around the room she was in but it was dank and dark and the candles on the walls glimmered too low to make any sense of space out of her surroundings.

"Can you please tell me where the hell I am, and how did I get here? I was..where was I before, I can't rightly remember, something is not right here, and I don't mean the obvious," she stopped.

"Do not concern yourself with the big questions now. Suffice to say, you are safe for the moment, your circumstances have changed and it is best to take things slowly. For now I suggest you come with me, there are places more habitable than here, now come." Keevan reaffirmed his grip on her hand and took her to the wall. There he stood searching the wall muttering to himself.

"Ah, here it is," he waved his hand over a dark panel and a metal door slid into view where once was the dark, rough stone wall. Lilah gaped and blinked. she was fatigued and delirious and felt it better to go with this strange man than stay in the dark cellar-like area they were now leaving.

The doors opened with a ping at the end. It was an elevator.

The elevator was furnished as one would expect most to look in a swanky hotel. It was carpeted and there were polished mirrors on each side of the walls and a panel of buttons set in bronze was placed by the door. A stark contrast to the space they had just left.

Lilah squinted at the brightly lit light of the elavator and stepped inside with Keevan. The man pressed the second to top button and the elevator started with a jolt upwards. Soft mono music played out as they rose. "Where is this taking us?" asked Lilah, still in a state of disbelief and quiet fear. "We're going to the lobby, all will become clear soon enough," Keevan replied.

Lilah sunk to the floor of the elevator and put her knees to her chin, they had been rising upwards for what felt like an age. Keevan stood upright and motionless, still puffing on his cigar, his aged faced and long black overcoat gave him a sinister look but one of indifference and pre-occupation. "We are almost there, Lilah."

Lilah looked up startled and rised to her feet. "I don't recall telling you my name. You had better tell me what the hell is going on right now, I will not go another step with you anywhere. You had better start explaining why you have kidnapped me or what ever the hell this is and why I am here and.." Keevan cut her off. "Behind you lies the start, there is no way back, before you leads to uncertainty and difficulty, and harder choices than most will ever make. I have not kidnapped you and I am not responsible for your situation. I am the Administrator, and it falls to me to guide you. I understand your impatience and confusion, but really, there is not far to go and an elevator is hardly a better place to explain the 'here and there's,' than the entry point it leads away from. Now come." As Keevan's sentence stopped the Elevator shuddered and stopped as well. Another ping rang out marking the end of the elevators journey and the doors slid open onto a vast pillared hall, marble laid and buzzing with the activity of many desks laid in an inward circle with people on telephones typing away and busy people running reports to busier looking people.

"As you can see, Lilah." Keeven said. "This is the hub of our operation here, I am the Administrator and things have been some-what hectic since the last one moved on"

"Will you stop talking in riddles and just explain to me what the hell this is all about." Lilah said sharply.

"Of course," Keevan replied. "Let's go up to my office, it will be a more comfortable and suitable place to explain everything. I bid your patience but a few more steps."

As they walked across the floor of the building a young man dressed in a sharp black three-piece suit with a black gilt-topped cane in hand materialized in the center of the floor in a blinding light. None of the many workers even looked up from their desks. Lilah gasped and fell back, Keevans firm grip pulled her back gently to balance. "What in jumping Jehovahs was that!" Lilah shrieked. The man spotted them from across the floor and hurried over to them.

Keevan put his hand up as if to stop him from talking but he had already started.

"Is this her?" The young man spoke in an eager tone with an inspecting eye.

"This is her Hob, but please I haven't explained anything yet, your grandiose entrance was hardly necessary, I will have you using the caretakers cupboard as your transdimensional jump point if you're not careful," Keevan's voice was gruff but only half serious.

"Yes, boss, whatever you say boss, three bags full boss." There was a smirk on Hob's face.

"So, this is the little lady, how old are you? Can't be older than 25 by the looks of it, such a shame. I was young too, I guess we keep our looks eh?" he chuckled.

"Hob, we don't have time for you right now, I have to help this poor girl understand whats going on, you're not helping. You know the situation we're in at the moment, I suggest you get back to work. You're one of the only ones we've got out in the field, get out of here."

And that's it so far. Rough I know, but it will become better.

 

[Mentalist]

Ok, well yeah.

 

[Friday]

I really enjoyed it, and look forward to more.

I did feel, tho, that you told us that guy was the adminstrator once too often, like hitting me over the head with it.

Other than that, the set up was very detailed. I feel like I have a good foundation for what's coming next.

Which better be soon...

 

[Omega Weapon]

Lilah woke with a start.

WRONG. I don't know who she is, and I don't care [yet]. Describe a scene, maybe where she is sleeping, first.

Her body was stiff and cold and she was lying flat on her back on a damp gravelly surface.

Alright, maybe her waking should be included in the same paragraph.

Too mechanical. Try:

Her body was stiff and cold as she laid on the damp, gravelly surface.

As her eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom about her she could make out a silhouette of a man smoking what looked like a cigar, stooping over her.

I like the eyes/gloom/adjusting, except that it implies him being further away. Also, she would smell the cigar before her eyes had adjusted.

"What, where.. Who are you," the words left her sheepishly. She pulled herself up onto her knees with some difficulty, the figure walked forward and offered her a hand.

Good adverb, describes her being well, except the man seemed to be much closer to her when you wrote he "stooped."

Lilah shimmed away. "Who are you, what have you done to me, get back!"

He didn't seem to do anything yet. Does she have a headache, was she drugged?

She was sheepish at first.

The man took the cigar out of his mouth and spoke. "'What' is a good but difficult question, 'where' can be answered in good time, and 'who': is me, Keevan. I am the Administrator of this place. It is unfortunate indeed you are so young, but here, let me help you up, I mean you no harm." The man offered his hand again and Lilah took it reluctantly and pulled herself to her feet. She looked around the room she was in but it was dank and dark and the candles on the walls glimmered too low to make any sense of space out of her surroundings.

Looking good so far, except that people would rarely announce them helping someone up.

"Can you please tell me where the hell I am, and how did I get here? I was..where was I before, I can't rightly remember, something is not right here, and I don't mean the obvious," she stopped.

The mystery is good, but it looks like you are trying to convey the atmosphere too strongly with the dialogue of the characters.

"Do not concern yourself with the big questions now. Suffice to say, you are safe for the moment, your circumstances have changed and it is best to take things slowly. For now I suggest you come with me, there are places more habitable than here, now come." Keevan reaffirmed his grip on her hand and took her to the wall. There he stood searching the wall muttering to himself.

"Ah, here it is," he waved his hand over a dark panel and a metal door slid into view where once was the dark, rough stone wall. Lilah gaped and blinked. she was fatigued and delirious and felt it better to go with this strange man than stay in the dark cellar-like area they were now leaving.

More realistic if you make her hesitate, at least bit. Maybe she sees a rat? (IF you want the place to have any sort of life, moss might be nice)

The doors opened with a ping at the end. It was an elevator.

The elevator was furnished as one would expect most to look in a swanky hotel. It was carpeted and there were polished mirrors on each side of the walls and a panel of buttons set in bronze was placed by the door. A stark contrast to the space they had just left.

I suggest you read some Lovecraft, or at least skim through some of his later short stories. You seem to have the same desire to convey the atmosphere and the impressions it creates, like a film with background music. You just need to link them in a more eloquent way.

"In stark contrast to the space they had just left, the elevator was furnished as one would expect most to look in a swanky [swanky seems too vernacularized compared to your description of the darkness before] hotel. It was carpeted, with polished mirrors on each side of the walls, and a panel of buttons set in bronze was placed by the door."

^The juxtoposition of reminding us of the "stark contrast to the space they had just left" AFTER the elevator's description is like a bungee cord; I was just ready to leave the dampness, and enter a hotel.

Lilah squinted at the brightly lit light of the elavator and stepped inside with Keevan. The man pressed the second to top button and the elevator started with a jolt upwards. Soft mono music played out as they rose. "Where is this taking us?" asked Lilah, still in a state of disbelief and quiet fear. "We're going to the lobby, all will become clear soon enough," Keevan replied.

It's fine, except that I'm not that familiar with Keevan. Despite him mentioning his name, all along I thought "mysterious kidnapper." Narration in the third person is effective once we have gotten to know the characters, so to speak.

Lilah sunk to the floor of the elevator and put her knees to her chin, they had been rising upwards for what felt like an age. Keevan stood upright and motionless, still puffing on his cigar, his aged faced and long black overcoat gave him a sinister look but one of indifference and pre-occupation. "We are almost there, Lilah."

His gestures earlier made him seem more neutral than cold. Try to make him stone cold yet polite earlier in the story, or wait until later to present us with it. "Sinister" is too big a gear change, in my not so humble opinion.

Lilah looked up startled and rised to her feet. "I don't recall telling you my name. You had better tell me what the hell is going on right now, I will not go another step with you anywhere. You had better start explaining why you have kidnapped me or what ever the hell this is and why I am here and.."

It reads like an RPG here. We already know she's here against her will.

Keevan cut her off. "Behind you lies the start, there is no way back, before you leads to uncertainty and difficulty, and harder choices than most will ever make. I have not kidnapped you and I am not responsible for your situation. I am the Administrator, and it falls to me to guide you.

Omega Weapon likes.

I understand your impatience and confusion, but really, there is not far to go and an elevator is hardly a better place to explain the 'here and there's,' than the entry point it leads away from. Now come."

Excellent dialogue.

Can you say . . . . "Keevan dual?"

As Keevan's sentence stopped the Elevator shuddered and stopped as well. Another ping rang out marking the end of the elevators journey and the doors slid open onto a vast pillared hall, marble laid and buzzing with the activity of many desks laid in an inward circle with people on telephones typing away and busy people running reports to busier looking people.

Lovecraft!
Lovecraft!!
Lovecraft!!!

The last part of the sentence is too creative to be hanging on the edge of the paragraph like that, or even be included in it. The vast, marble laid hall and the busy people should be segregated into two parts. One is static, the other dynamic.

"As you can see, Lilah." Keeven said. "This is the hub of our operation here, I am the Administrator and things have been some-what hectic since the last one moved on"

I knew he was the admin, but I forgot, until he said it again, for the third time I believe.

Less is more. Make him issue a tactful "dire warning," so that the idea of some sort of organisation being active underneath him is burned into our memories, sans the nuclear bomb pictures. He shouldn't have to say he's the admin over and over.

"Will you stop talking in riddles and just explain to me what the hell this is all about." Lilah said sharply.

Lilah needs to stop parotting the same thing. Give her motion. Make her demands for answers more and more intense, until they reach maybe a boiling point, just as Keevan reveals all.

"Of course," Keevan replied. "Let's go up to my office, it will be a more comfortable and suitable place to explain everything. I bid your patience but a few more steps."

Same as before, only in a lobby this time. We have to differentiate between his attempts to get Lilah to STFU in the elevator, and now.

As they walked across the floor of the building a young man dressed in a sharp black three-piece suit with a black gilt-topped cane in hand materialized in the center of the floor in a blinding light. None of the many workers even looked up from their desks. Lilah gasped and fell back, Keevans firm grip pulled her back gently to balance. "What in jumping Jehovahs was that!" Lilah shrieked. The man spotted them from across the floor and hurried over to them.

Everything except what she says. If she is going to say "jumping Jehovahs," then you should replace her "hell" with "heck."

Keevan put his hand up as if to stop him from talking but he had already started.

"Is this her?" The young man spoke in an eager tone with an inspecting eye.

Describe the timbre of his voice. He is another mystery. We want to know everything we can about him. The readers are little Sherlocks who gobble up details in order to form a better picture. Imagine a black painting with an exquisitely beautiful golden frame.

"This is her Hob, but please I haven't explained anything yet, [as] your grandiose entrance was hardly necessary, I will have you using the caretakers cupboard as your transdimensional jump point if you're not careful," Keevan's voice was gruff but only half serious.

Excuse the grammatical frill, I couldn't resist.

We can't tell if he was half-serious from the timbre of his voice.

"Keevan's voice was gruff, but he was only half serious."

"Yes, boss, whatever you say boss, three bags full boss." There was a smirk on Hob's face.

"So, this is the little lady, how old are you? Can't be older than 25 by the looks of it, such a shame. I was young too, I guess we keep our looks eh?" he chuckled.

Ok, Lilah is going to drink from the fountain of youth or something, like he did? Nothing wrong with that, except that he shouldn't focus on her looks. He was already described as being young-looking himself.

"Hob, we don't have time for you right now, I have to help this poor girl understand whats going on, you're not helping. You know the situation we're in at the moment, I suggest you get back to work. You're one of the only ones we've got out in the field, get out of here."

Sounds fine, except that Keevan hasn't even attempted to explain anything.

You asked for vindictive, and you got it.

Omega Weapon!
Omega Weapon!!
Omega Weapon!!!

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

Menty,


Lilah woke with a start. (This is fairly common, but then again is there any other way for someone to wake up and convey a sense of immediacy? If so find it.)

Her body was stiff and cold and she was lying flat on her back on a damp gravelly surface. As her eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom about her she could make out a silhouette of a man smoking what looked like a cigar, stooping over her.
(this could be your intro in fact. The body feels these unfamilliar sensations, then WHAM! wakes up w/ a start, WHERE THE FUCK AM i?)

"What, where.. Who are you," the words left her sheepishly. She pulled herself up onto her knees with some difficulty, the figure walked forward and offered her a hand.

(my issue is the dialgoue what, where, etc. You have an opportunity here to plant a seed for future use in Lila's disorientation...rather than what, who's on base, when's on third, what if Lila woke up and finished a former thought? Or asked a question sluggishly that may pertain later? It's a gimmick yea, but it may pay off. Opportunity yo.) Or..."Who are you...what....no...where am I?" does it say disorientation but asks the same questions the reader wants to know?

Lilah shimmed away. "Who are you, what have you done to me, get back!"

(at this point, it seems you want a sense of urgency, and to cause alarm. Am I missing the mark here? If so...what if you broke it up?

"Who are you!

-what have you done to me!

-GET BACK!"


or,

You're---I, I, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

WHAT, have you done to me!

GET BACK!"

etc.


Let me know what you think? I know it's a rough, but if you can catch things even in the early stages, it may either save you alot of work, or allow you a nice and different approach to your vision.

I'll read more when I get a minute, I'm having writers block of my own, lol.

 

[The Question]

Menty,

This is a good first draft, and hopefully, you'll take some good stuff out of everyone's input.

The main point I've seen here and can agree with is that you'll want to have a look at your dialogue, and make sure to pay special attention to not only what your characters say, but how they say it. Let me take a couple guesses and see if I can read what you didn't write about them:

First, this world you're creating seems to be high-concept (generally meaning anything in SF, Fantasy or Horror).

By contrast, Lilah is coming across as a "real" (non-high-concept-world) character, whereas Keevan kind of loses me. He comes across as a little more sword-and-sorcery-esque than I thought you were going for, and honestly, that's a bit jarring.

There's an exercise that you can do to test dialogue -- get some friends together and give each of them one of your characters' dialogue. Have them play it out, and listen to the way it sounds when spoken aloud.

Also -- try 'opulent' in place of 'swanky'.

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

Saying dialogue out loud wether it be by yourself, or more preferrably w/ a group can do wonders. This goes w/o saying, heh.

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

The man took the cigar out of his mouth and spoke. "'What' is a good but difficult question, 'where' can be answered in good time, and 'who': is me, Keevan. I am the Administrator of this place. It is unfortunate indeed you are so young, but here, let me help you up, I mean you no harm." The man offered his hand again and Lilah took it reluctantly and pulled herself to her feet. She looked around the room she was in but it was dank and dark and the candles on the walls glimmered too low to make any sense of space out of her surroundings.

(Ok, I like how the man w/ cigar answers and what I mentioned before about the who, what, where phrasing could also be worked into this part of the man's dialogue, as in a Joss Whedon way...

for example, before Lilah can even utter those words, the Man could cut to the chase..

"Oh!, I've heard this joke before, Who, what, where and when? Yea, so, Who, blah, blah, blah..")


You know turning it on it's ear?

 

[Mentalist]

Thank you everyone for their input and interest. All the points made have been noted and is exactly why I posted this in it's rough form.

The "Administrator" thing being said three times is right out the window, it's horrible, I know.

I really was trying to have some discussion between Keevan and Lilah before the reveal is made and it's difficult trying to not answer anything at such an early point and still keep the sense of danger and inqisitve nature one would feel waking up on the floor and being led through a mysterious place such as this.

The points made have all been good, no exceptions, and has made me really want to clean it up and better every aspect. I will post the updated version as soon as I get around to writing it...

And keep the ideas coming!

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

Thank you everyone for their input and interest. All the points made have been noted and is exactly why I posted this in it's rough form.

The "Administrator" thing being said three times is right out the window, it's horrible, I know.

I really was trying to have some discussion between Keevan and Lilah before the reveal is made and it's difficult trying to not answer anything at such an early point and still keep the sense of danger and inqisitve nature one would feel waking up on the floor and being led through a mysterious place such as this.

The points made have all been good, no exceptions, and has made me really want to clean it up and better every aspect. I will post the updated version as soon as I get around to writing it...

And keep the ideas coming!

Have you read the NeverWhere comic? The "adaptation"? Cause it's a nice and fairly accurate comparison to Gaiman's novel, but allowing the fan/reader to see the transition from Gaiman's prose to actual images that describe the action.


Tell, vs. showing. It might give you a different perspective on your approach.

 

[The Question]

Well, yes, there is that -- the rule of thumb is: show, don't tell.

On the other hand, I can understand where that can be a real problem when you're trying to take a "real world" character and put them into a world of your own invention. Typically, this is done with a little more lead-in than you've allowed yourself here -- to better establish the Main Character as someone we can identify with before taking her out of our world and into a new one.

As an example, take Sarah Connor from the original Terminator -- a "real" character who is thrown into a new world, of a sort, at least new to her. And although her actual introduction into that world may seem to come violently and abruptly with the arrival of Kyle Reese and the Terminator at Club Noire, we do get some good quality "normal" time with her first, which establishes empathy, and then we get to watch her as she sees this new reality speeding toward her (via newscasts) thus establishing sympathy.

So here's what I propose: start with a new beginning for Lilah, a little farther back in time -- work some foreshadowing of the beginning you have here into that new beginning, but gradually enough that both we and Lilah can see that something is going to happen, without telling us exactly what that something is.

Remember to give Lilah a situation where we can see how she handles conflict (doesn't have to be BIG conflict, unless it's something you can weave into the larger story, but there should be conflict there on some level.

Anyway, it can't hurt to give that a try, right?

 

[whisky]

Is this Lilahs induction into Wolfram and Hart?

I thought it was quite gripping and made me want to read more, have to watch out for over repetative dialougue though"

Too many "where the hell am I"s

 

[Mentalist]

Is this Lilahs induction into Wolfram and Hart?

No, though I forgive the comparison at this early stage. It's going in a somewhat different direction.

have to watch out for over repetative dialougue though

All of that is going to be sured up. I am probably going to re-write a section of it and I think I might take up Q's suggestion of writing a bit before the story opens.

By contrast, Lilah is coming across as a "real" (non-high-concept-world) character, whereas Keevan kind of loses me. He comes across as a little more sword-and-sorcery-esque than I thought you were going for, and honestly, that's a bit jarring.

Yeah, I get that. I mean he has power, but I don't want to make him too silly in that respect. The dialouge really needs to have more attention paid to it.

Have you read the NeverWhere comic? The "adaptation"? Cause it's a nice and fairly accurate comparison to Gaiman's novel, but allowing the fan/reader to see the transition from Gaiman's prose to actual images that describe the action.

No, and I REALLY want to. Being such a big Gaiman fan and all. I have heard all about it but still haven't got round to getting a copy. Thats going to the top of my "to do" list.

Remember to give Lilah a situation where we can see how she handles conflict (doesn't have to be BIG conflict, unless it's something you can weave into the larger story, but there should be conflict there on some level.

Yes, this is important, I know. I really want to avoid her becoming annoying. I want to define her character quickly so the reader has some sort of connection with her. Conflict and how she deals with it after she has had a chance to get all the initial confusion out of her is important. To really start defining her character I need to get passed the reveal, how she deals with that conflict. (and it's about as big as one can imagine) is something I want to pay close attention to.


MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

Still a contrast of normal life, w/ confict might frame Menty's scene up nicely.

Going w/ the terminator reference...Look at the sequels and scenes that've come after what TQ described? Sarah Connor's evolution post T-800 encounter always seemed to prepare for the oncoming war, but not w/o a longing to a simple past, or time to just raise her son.

That's what I always liked about the movies when they would drop photos in it. Those were key moments for me.

 

[Mentalist]

My idea at the moment is to have a four year story. Not one that takes four years to read of course But the time span will be four years. I'm choosing that number for a reason. So by the end Lilah will have evolved a lot. I don't want a static character, I want a progressive evolution.

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

No, though I forgive the comparison at this early stage. It's going in a somewhat different direction.



All of that is going to be sured up. I am probably going to re-write a section of it and I think I might take up Q's suggestion of writing a bit before the story opens.




Yeah, I get that. I mean he has power, but I don't want to make him too silly in that respect. The dialouge really needs to have more attention paid to it.




No, and I REALLY want to. Being such a big Gaiman fan and all. I have heard all about it but still haven't got round to getting a copy. Thats going to the top of my "to do" list.




Yes, this is important, I know. I really want to avoid her becoming annoying. I want to define her character quickly so the reader has some sort of connection with her. Conflict and how she deals with it after she has had a chance to get all the initial confusion out of her is important. To really start defining her character I need to get passed the reveal, how she deals with that conflict. (and it's about as big as one can imagine) is something I want to pay close attention to.


MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

Well to define her character, you gotta know her character? Have you thought about how she'd deal w/ conflict on different, ANNOYING levels?

Like, how would she deal being at the post office, or in line at a bank? Is she patient and absorbent?

What about at a concert? Is she rowdy?

What about when a man approcaches? Is she shy, is she a flirt?

these small but crucial character developments help give you that real worldism esp. when concerning her dealing w/ her "new" environment and unfamilliar surroundings.

How would you feel if you got dropped in the middle of South Central Los Angeles during dusk? During supper?

would it compare to you being mid stroke during a golf session?

How are you when a girl gives you that look in a fancy restraunt, vs. Mc Donalds?

is this making sense? I'm tired.

 

[Mentalist]

Yes, it makes perfect sense. And it's good solid advice as well. I do have more than a vague idea of who she is in my mind. But thinking through how she would act in some real everyday type of situations is important and something I will be defining with her now you've said it.

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

Ahhh, cool then. If only I can get my own ass in gear on writing again!

Batfan's been waiting since october for a script, sheesh!

 

[Mentalist]

I would love a link to that script you wrote and posted ages back. I started reading it but something came up and I never finished it. I would like to have a gander at it again.

 

[BitchSlapSmitty]

It was in the media center, I bumped the thread, Surprised I could find it!

Ok, i'm outttie!