Helpful career tips to get in good with the HR department...

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
If, at the end of the staff meeting, in an effort to make small talk, your boss asks everyone what their New Year's Resolution is, do NOT tell them "to say 'nigger' less"--even if that IS your New Year's Resolution. (And a fine and noble resolution it is.)
 
Adding a drop of LSD to the contents of the water cooler will make your employees more creative -- but at a 100% cost to productivity.
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
OK. So one of the girls at work addresses me as "Sir" in texts: "5:15 start?" "Yes sir.". She lives with her boyfriend. And is much younger than me. Is it OK for me to text her back with "Don't call me 'sir,' 'Daddy' will do fine"? I kinda feel like it's *not* OK, but I know you guys won't steer me wrong.
 

Mirah

I love you
I know you know the answer is NO and you are just asking ironically and then you are wondering what kind of silly answers you may get
 

Mirah

I love you
As a person who has gotten creepy texts or just comments made to them by people-usually a male person in the work world it makes me cringe. We deal with this shit all the time.
A vendor stopped at my desk on the way out and said, "I feel like you would make a great mom, are you a mom?" And I said my usual answer of "No, but I'm not against having kids or being a mom," Or something like that and his response was, "Well I know a good rapist down the road"

As I type that it sounds so much worse-I mean it really was a stupid thing to say, but the way he says it almost didn't make it sound bad-but it really really was.
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
lol. That was a friend's pickup bit (and it worked better than you'd think): "Do you want to play 'rape'?" "No." "Good, but with more emphasis!"
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
OK. This isn't so much HR, but I feel some of you may be...socially challenged, so this is just something to help you know what is and is not appropriate: If you're at a bar or restaurant, it is your bartender/server's job to make you feel welcome and comfortable. So it is perfectly fine and even expected for you to flirt with her. So go ahead. Tell her she's pretty. Ask her what shifts she works. She expects it.
 
BUT! Don't grab both her tits in both your hands, squeeze twice, and go, "HONK! HONK!" They frown on that. While hitting you. And not in that fun violence-as-foreplay kind of way, neither.
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
In today's broadband WiFi world, it is easier than ever to work remotely and with counterparts across the globe. But apparently it is not appropriate so say "you sound hot, what are you wearing?" in a Skype conference.
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
Also, if someone's making small talk while waiting for everyone to show up and asks if you have anything special planned for the weekend, it is apparently NOT acceptable to say "Oh, you know, the usual. I'll strip naked, coat myself in Vaseline, put a plastic shopping bag over my head, cinch a belt around my neck and tie it to the closet bar and jack off to German dungeon porn until I either come or pass out. If I'm here Monday, you'll know which."
 

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
Twentysomethings are thin-skinned and haven't watched any important cultural films. So if one annoys you and you say "You're a funny guy, [Bob]. I *like* you. That's why I'm going to kill you last." You're going to be taking to the HR lady.
 

jack

The Legendary Troll Kingdom
You think "I love the way your nipples poke through the thin fabric of your blouse" would be inappropriate?
 
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