Sarek
Vuhlkansu Wihs
Pandas love marijuana! All you have to do is find some of those nice green, leafy plants that some dumb kid ripped from his neighbor's back yard and then tried to sell to you because he thought you looked "cool" (meaning -- at least in our case -- that you are in your thirties, wear facial hair and/or have a tattoo, and seem like a nice person and are pretty hip ... despite the fact that you might be a cop or a lawyer or something).
After you have purchased the totally useless weed (or convinced the kid just to turn it over to you, if you are really enterprising), feed it to your intended Panda victim and watch the fun start. (Please keep in mind that possession of even really useless marijuana is still illegal almost everywhere, especially if you are using it to kill a Panda.)
Your Panda will soon start rambling incoherently about something it thinks looks "sooo intense." Then it will go on and on and on about bamboo until you never want to hear the word again. Do not patronize it or goad it on -- that will only make things worse.
Then your panda victim will get very, very thirsty. All you do is grab it at its water source. It will think you are joking at first, but then the reality will begin to creep in. Be prepared to dispatch the Panda at that time. The good old-fashioned ball-peen hammer to the skull works well if you are not adept at firearms (and it's a great way to repeat the experiment that led to the invention of electro-shock treatment ... more on that later).
Agent Smith's Hibachi Panda
You don't have to go to Benihana to enjoy the mouth-watering taste of Hibachi-style cooking! I'll bring the cutting edge of Pacific Rim Cuisine to your kitchen with this delightful Panda Recipe!
4 - 5 oz. Panda Sirloin Steaks (n.b. - smaller cuts may be substituted if larger Panda steaks are unavailable in your area)
4 tsp. Soybean Oil
8 Large Mushrooms - Sliced thick
4 dashes Salt
4 dashes Black Pepper
Broil steaks until rare - do not overcook! Heat nonstick skillet and add oil to heated skillet. While skillet is warming, cut Panda steaks into one-inch cubes. Place Panda steak cubes in skillet with mushrooms and cook until done to taste, stirring occasionally. Season with salt and pepper if desired and serve hot with mustard dipping sauce.
Panda Stack-Ups
(An appetizer)
Servings: 30 Stack-Ups
3 ounce package cream cheese
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 teaspoons chopped chives
dash hot pepper sauce
25 thin slices Panda
Blend softened cheese, mayonnaise, chives and hot pepper sauce. Make 5 stacks of Panda slices; spread cheese mixture between slices. Chill. Cut each stack into 6 equal Wedges. Serve on cocktail picks.
Coming Soon!
"PETA Panda" and "Panda Melt"
And in 2 weeks!
Other endangered species offered for your consideration:
"California Condor-Cabob" - A bird on the grill is worth two in the sanctioned wildlife preserve
"Coelacanth Stew" - Nothing tastes better than something you thought had been extinct for 60 million years
