"Why am I such a misfit?..."

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
"HERBIE WANTS TO BE A DENTIST!"

I'm fascinated and perplexed by people who love making money. My goal is kind of simple: A million bucks, invested. Earning 7%, that gets me, what, $70,000 a year to live on. More than enough. And while that might sound extravagant, consider Bill Gates. Or Donald Trump. Or the guy who precipitated this post.

I'm looking to get into real estate investing. 10 years ago I got Kiyosaki's "The Real Book of Real Estate Investing." I've tried to act on it a few times but I'm working on pulling the trigger now. I think I could accomplish my goals with as few as 2 rental properties but need 6 at most. Anyway, one of the things both Kiyosaki and "Think & Grow Rich"'s Napoleon Hill advocate is having a team of experts to help you. I hit it off with one of "my" experts and he went back to his office and gave me a book. It was written by a local real estate investor. I got a fair amount of good stuff out of it. I can't even guess how much property he owns in this town. He bought something like 100 houses his first year. A couple of the apartment complexes down the road from me are owned by him. His company runs a tenant screening and placement service. And after thanking him for the information in his book, he gave me a flyer for a $999 two-day "boot camp" on investing.

I haven't decided if I'm going or not. I've got a couple weeks to think about it. It would definitely solve at least one of my problems. But the point is, I don't see where this guy needs this money. I can't even guess how much money he pulls in every year. Why does he need to run a seminar? If it is just because he genuinely wants to help other people escape the "rat race," why not offer it for $499? Or $299?

So yeah. There you are. Also, tonight I got to hear headache and horror story after headache and horror story and am starting to doubt my plan. I've got enough capital that I could just stick to what I know and sock it away into a no-load indexed mutual fund and a few select stocks I hold and get another job. It should get me to where I need to go. But while, say, General Mills, gets me returns better than or comparable to the appreciation real estate has over time, General Mills has never paid me $800-1000 a month for the money I've got in them. Shit, they won't even give me all the Cheerios I can eat. And I fucking hate working for people. If I can get a house or two and rent them out, I can do TaskRabbit or Lyft or something for some walkin' around money. Or build sets for community theater and make art or some shit.

I'm a simple man. With simple needs. A million dollars, earning me 7% interest and maybe 2 or 3 nubile teenage women who laze around my house nekkid, dreaming up ways to pleasure me. Oh, and an in-ground swimming pool with an automatic cover that simultaneously releases shark(s) to dispatch my enemies.
 
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