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Mine Field User Profiles

I have been a Minefielder and general waste of crap storage capability for years now. I demand to be profiled.

Or given a brutal shagging by 53 long-legged big-titted redheaded high school girls.

One or the other.

Wait.

Fuck that.

Both.
 
Wacky, it's a pity you ran out of space to mention how headvoid's ad mojo took Sheila's Wheels from a failing whorehouse and rusting vintage car museum to the credible and well respected organisation it is now.
 
Mentalist: In west Brighton, born and raised, on a playground was where he spent most of his days. Doing drugs. With a 486 IQ, young Mentalist quickly tired of school and interaction with boring people of average or even above average intelligence and found that the only things he could enjoy were drugs, sex with teenage girls (he was a teenager too so it was okay!) and the BBC's children's comedy classic "Maid Marian and Her Merry Men". One day he received a parcel from his gay, american friend Henoch containng a bunch of drugs and a note reading "Dear MENtalist ya faghole, here's some fucking DRUGS I stole from THE WHITE HOUSE belive it or not YA BASTARD, I have no use for them as I'm TEETOTAL and the only thing I'm addicted to is ERECT MALE COCK but I'm sure you'll enjoy EATING THEM or whatever the FUCK you do with drugs, see you soon unless one of us DIES in the next few minutes, FUCKNOSE!!!"

Mentalist never read the note but he did eat the drugs in his playground and had the greatest trip in recorded human history. As it turned out, the note had actually been true, Henoch really had stolen the drugs from the White House and the FBI soon arrived in Brighton looking for the drugs. Mentalist, believing the FBI agents were just chavs in disguise looking to steal his stash, beat the shit out of them with a grubby brick. His mum got scared and said "you're moving in with your auntie and uncle in Greece!"

A new man, Menty, as he was now known to thousands on the internet, cut his drug use down to four days a year (Christmas, his birthday, the day of Summerslam and Halloween) but continued to have lots of sex and watch old BBC shows, now on his computer by means of downloading. He eats lots of grapes and ice cream.

Mentalist recently received a parcel from Michael Jackson with a not attached reading "thanks for all the support lol here's some shoes" but the parcel actually contained the Elephant Man's trunk. Menty uses it to impress girls by telling them it's his "original penis" which had to be chopped off because it was "too big" and a normal, human penis grew in its place somehow. Every single woman in greece has believed this story.

Dual: A master of deception and double-crossing, but strangely likable and lickable, Dual was once the world's most successful secret agent. However, his obsession with Duality resulted in him become a double agent on EVERY MISSION to the point of reduncy: he'd go to both sides, tell them exactly what the other side was doing, and both would just be so confused that they'd give up their dodgy dealins and become dentists or something.

Dual next found employed as one of those "detectives" who tries to seduce married women to show their husband if the woman is potentially unfaithful, working for Doctor Dave's detective agency. However, as a straight down the line, 50/50 bisexual, Dual would always end up having wild, highly enjoyable sex with both the husband and the wife. He never got paid.

Dual believs that he is an "agent of duality" on a mission from "God" but equally believes that it might be a mission fron Satan. He eats buns.
 
Did Menty have the same upbringing as the Fresh Prince?? Crikey!
 
Not exactly the same upbringing, but he did order a hit on the Fresh Prince, which left the Prince's underpants decidedly not Fresh.
 
Eerily accurate.
 
I once ordered a Ferris Wheel loaded with condemned inmates and then had them spun to death.
 
Were they lifers? I hope they weren't lifers. 'Cause lifers, they, y'know, they would appreciate shit like that.
 
Spinnaker of death.
 
FBI parte due: At the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the US need a weapon to get the upper hand on the Russians. That weapon was the genitically engineered super child codenamed "FBI parte due" for no apparent reason. After being grown in a lab and his growth accelerated (in a lab), but still just in the body of a one year old baby boy, he was asked by JFK himself for his solution to the whole mess. After thinking about it for 0.48 seconds, the baby, in the first words he ever spoke, said "NUKE THE FUCK OUT OF RUSSIA AND CUBA BEFORE THEY CAN NUKE YOU, YEAH BABY!" JFK nodded knowingly.

Luckily the next day it turned out that there were no nuclear weapons in Cuba, just some old tractor parts which had been mistaken for nuclear weapons somehow. Operation FBI part due was closed down and the child based in suspended animation.

But his super powered mind could not be suspened. For thirty years it was active and it plotted and planned his revenge on the world that had created then rejected him. Deviously plotted and planned, that is. Finally, he escaped from suspended animation when, ironicaly, a cuban janitor accidently pulled the plug out.

Still in the body of a baby, FBI began his to implement his plan to destroy the world. A bit like Stewie from Family Guy, really. Only real. He hid out in an old building full of, ironically, old tractor parts. And plutonium. He began to build his weapons of mass destruction, hoping to end all life on Earth...when he met his first kitten. He was in love, instantly. He knew that he could not destroy the Earth while kittens lived on it. He abandoned his evil plans and grew up like a normal boy.

He currently plans to somehow move all the kittens to the moon then go there and live with them. Then blow up the Earth.

curiousa2z: Born with no feet, young Curious' insatiable curiousity first manifested as curiousity about the possibility of having FOOT REPLACEMENT SURGERY. However, after investigation (which she enjoyed), she found that the feet she would receive would actually be the feet of a homeless person. After much soul searching, she decided to just have the surgery anyway, since she really did want some feet. But she did let the footless homeless person (she didn't know if it was male or female, who can tell!) live in her FOUR HUNDRED ACRE Canadian back garden.

She became curious about this homeless creature and often painted it and sold the painting to art collector Eggs Mayonnaise for HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY. One day she saw an advert (produced by Headvoid!) on tv for "Gagh's Metal Feet" and realised that she could afford a pair for her homeless friend using the money she'd made from the painting. She she bought them and, for a while, was very happy to watch her homeless friend dance around on feet of metal.

Unfortunately, the homeless person later became the famous super villain METAL FEET FRED (it was a man all along!) and kicked some mounties to death. But by this point, Curiousa2z had moved on to being curious about SEX, SEX, WITH MEN, SEX and was so busy with it that she never even knew that the mouty killing spree happened!
 
^ will I never live that down? I miss reading the news for ONE year, one year! THEN he decides to go on a killing spree! Who knew?!!
 
Oddly enough, I used to have a recurring nightmare when I was a little kid about being in a round room with a hole in the center of the floor and a bench around the edge of the room... a whole bunch of us kids would have to sit in there until a scientist came along with a cart. Then he'd tell us to roll up our pants legs. Well, our feet were all worn through (I had little Swiss-cheese-like holes all through them!) So then those of us who needed new feet had to remove the old ones -- you took hold of your foot with one hand and your lower leg with the other, then turned your foot 90 degrees to unlock it and pull it off -- and drop the old ones down the hole in the floor.

Then the Scientist guy would hand you a big plastic baggie from the cart, and inside it were your new feet! Of course, it was sometimes a dicey deal, because you might get the wrong size or color, or they might be girls' feet, and if they were, well you just had to live with it and walk around on feet that didn't match, because that's all we got. :(
 
A startling vision of the future.
 
A prophet, maybe?
 
The Saint: When The Saint showed up on the set of short-lived sci-fi show 'Firefly" and started fetching sandwiches and shoes for the cast and production crew, everyone just assumed that he worked there. He didn't. He was just obsessed with getting the chance to meet the man his mother had told him was his long lost twin brother: Nathan Fillion. Yet when they did meet The Saint was disgusted to find that they had little in common and that Fillion hated spider monkeys, the Saint's favourite kind of monkey. So, quite naturally, The Saint started spitting in the cereal Fillion demanded be delivered to him on set every day.

Nobody ever found out about that. In fact The Saint was quite popular on set, for the most part, due to his willingness to fulfil any bizarre request the actors came up with. When Adam Baldwin asked for a "moon rock, so that I can show it to girls to impress them and increased the chances of having some fucking sex with them" he never suspected that The Saint would break into NASA and steal a moon rock from NASA's massive "Moon Rock Storage Room." But he was hugely impressed.

When Gina Torres asked for "sexual favours because Lawrence Fishbourne is off filming another fucking lame Matrix sequel" The Saint was more than happy to help her out...by brainwashing Fillion into sleepin with her (Fillion is racist and would never sleep with a black woman without brainwashing.) Not that the Saint is racist, he would have quite happily performed acts of a sexual nature on Gina's hot choclate body. No, it was because he was in love with another...Summer Glau. It was his obsession with Glau that finally got him fired in the end.

"OY, The Saint, I need some peguins murdered like NOW, where are you?" asked Joss.

"Sorry, mate, it's mah day to PEE UP SUMMER'S BUTTHOLE!" said the Saint, chasing Summer around the set with his manhood in hand, peeing in her direction.

"I keep telling you to stop!" she said, terrified.

"Ah, I know you don't mean it! You said as much in that note you left me, you said not to stop even if you cry or call the police! NOW SPREAD THEM CHEEKS, MISSY!"

"You're fired," said Joss. And Jewel Statie smiled, for it had actually been her who had written the note in Summer's name, to get the Saint fired, as she was, of course, a secret lesbian in love with Summer. The Saint only found this out five long years later, when Jewel let it slip at a convention. At which point he kicked her in the shins with the pair of METAL FEET he'd purchased the previous day and set fired to the convention hall. 86 browncoats died that day. 4 people cared.
 
The being known as Fuddlemiff was originally born one Rodney Diligaf Llwwllgdgllwwmnlwn in the rural village of Lolwtf, Southern Wales, to wealthy and prestigious celebrity woodcutter Carl "The Bambino" Llwwllgdgllwwmnlwn and Mrs. Anaesthesia Dimentia Senilitas-Llwwllgdgllwwmnlwn, formerly a world-renowned lady pugilist and Irish topless stepdancer, which is like a regular dancer except by marriage instead of heredity -- and with the addition of violent tit floppage.

Growing up poor -- although his father was astoundingly wealthy, he was also so cheap that he made even elderly Scotsmen roll their eyes in disgust -- Fuddlemiff was forced to subsist on a rather bland, if nutritious, diet of thumbtacks and book-binder's glue. By the age of fifteen, Fuddlemiff had learned to turn the tragedy of his heredity into triumph, when he launched the world's first and still only existing Academy For The Arts And Sciences of Applied Mumbling.

On meeting then-president Ronald Regan, Fuddlemiff famously remarked, "Ah oh 'iv a fuh." which, in Welsh, means, "Hello, I'm very proud to meet you, please don't burn my penis with your cigarette."

On one notable occasion, Russian politician and esteemed Yak Olympics athlete Boris B. Badunov was heard to have noted -- since it was, after all, a notable occasion, some moron was bound to note something -- "He stole my wallet!" High praise, indeed.

Fuddlemiff now tours the United States with his neo-retro-jazz-reggae-funk-punk-rock ensemble Whifflepufflebaffleflap, where they can be heard covering such timeless hits as, "Get Your Vagina Out Of My Refrigerator" and "Won't You Please Make It Stop (I Think My Anus Is Bleeding)."
 
I'd give you karma, Wacky, but apparently I have to spread it around. Nice one, though. :)
 
Henoch: "What are you doing, my dear husband?" asked Henoch's beautiful WIFE.

"Oh, just pretending to be gay online, dear," said Henoch. "Nothing for you to worry your sweet female head about."

"Aww, you are the perfect husband. Kiss my lips. Yes, THOSE ones."

"It would be my pleasure," said Henoch, kissing her sweet, feminine lips. "And now for the promised land..." he said, moving down to her private womanly area...

"You're late for work, dear!" she said.

"Oh yeah, bugger!" said Henoch. "Tell the KIDS I love them!"

"Will do. And I love you."

"I love you too, dear." And he meant it. Henoch left the house and cycled to work, whistling a jolly tune as he went. "Lalala, I love being married," he sang.

That was when the virtual reality simulation ended. Henoch through off the headset in disgust.

"THAT'S what it's like to be a DIRTY, VAGINA LOVING heteroFUCK!?!?!" he asked the hot male twink lying in bed with him. The same hot male twink who had programmed the VR simulation for him.

"Sickening, ins't it? To be honest, I couldn't bring myself to letting you go down on her. No self respecting gay man should have to do that."

"Thanks ya fag, but kissing her FACE LIPS was fucking BAD ENOUGH!!! How come heteros don't THROW UP every ten minutes, the dirty BASTARD FUCKS?!?!?!"

"I don't know. Anyway, want to do me again?"

"What? FUCK OFF, YA USED UP FUCK!!!"

"But I thought..."

"Get those thoughts out of yer QUEER, SMALL-MINDED twink head YOU FUCKER!!! My motto is "I hit it, then I quit it". There SO MUCH hot male COCK out there for me to suck and I never suck the same one twice, so get YER ASS out of my bed and take your GAY FUCKING VR MACHINE OF SHIT with you, you FAGHOLE!!!"

"I hate you! I wish I had programmed you going down on her!"

"TOO BAD, FUCKNOSE! Oh, one more thing..."

"What?" Henoch punched him in the face.

"THAT'S FOR NOT LEAVING INSTANTLY YOU MEXICAN LOVER!!!!"

This everyday story of Henoch's life says more about his personality than any profile ever could.
 
Fuddlemiff: "Just call me the Miffster!" Fuddlemiff told the Big Brother casting agent.

"Oh, I'm sorry, we already have a Miffster," she said. "We're looking to cast a real BASTARD now, sorry."

"I can do that!" he said, turning to the old many sitting next to him. "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE WORSE THAN THAT EPISODE OF MACOLM IN THE MIDDLE WITHOUT JUSTIN IN IT!"

Unfortunately the old man had a heart condition and died in shock. Consumed with guilt, Fuddlemiff joined a monestary where he called himself "the Miffing monk!" It was there that he learned how to cook badgers and, having forgotten what it was he'd been feeling guilty about, he left the monestary and opened a restaurant serving nothing but BADGER SURPRISE (the surprise is it's just a badger that's been stuffed in the microwave for ten minutes.) It was then that Gordon Ramsey showed up.

"GET OFF MY FUCKING TURF, I OWN THE EASTEND, I DO!" said Ramsey. Fortunately he then tasted some of the badger surprise, which distracted him. Unfortunateyl, eating badger surprise makes the person who cooked it (Fuddlemiff) sexually irresistable to you. "GOD I WANT TO FUCK YOU!" said Ramsey then attempted to fuck the Miffster, who had no choice but to flee to Scotlad to escape the ugly old scottish turd. It was there that he finally found peace by serving up badger surprise to sexually attractive norwegians of all three genders (male, female, borg) and having sex with them in Oslo (since that's the only Norwegian city I know.)

Fuddlemiff hates DVD players and spits on them on sight.
 
I would run away from Gordon Ramsey too. He is the devil.
 
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