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2009: The year in review

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
January: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack replaces Celbrity Big Brother due to racism. Ratings are low due to not enough racism. Some other stuff happens. CaptainWacky masturbates over the concept of betrayal. Fake admin drama on TK.

February: Valentine's Day. Wacky sends a Valentine's card to himself then violently smashes his head in with a hammer in the hope that he'll suffer amnesia, forget sending the card, and come to believe that he has a secret admirer. In an ironic twist of fate he actually forgets everything BUT that he was the one who sent the card and fails to masturbate that month. Real admin drama on TK.

March: WrestleMania. Wacky's memory restored by Satan in exchanged for a kidney. Wacky masturbates to his kidney scar in the mirror. Real admin drama on TK but everyone thinks it's fake.

April: Sardy returns to TK named ADMRIAL FUCKSTAIN and nobody notices except Para. But then it turns out that was really an admin posting with Para's account. Jay Leno dies.

May: Spider-man arrested for rape. Turns out he really, genuinely did it but it turns out the victim was Heather Mills so he's released and the cops go round Heather's place and beat the shit out of her with clubs fashioned from children's teeth. Wacky wank drama on TK.

June: Big Brother 9 starts. Wacky decideds to stop thinking.

July: See above.

August: See below.

September: Wacky realises that he's closer to death than he was at some random point in the past and masturbates over that fact.

October: Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross shot into the heart of the son inside a penis-shaped missile after calling Andrew Sachs a "fucking slektwag" live on radio. TK goes down for 8 minutes.

November: Obama cheats his way to victory. Jay Leno found alive in Loktar's basement, shaking, muttering something about "the nudity...the nudity..."

December: Fake real admin drama at TK results in Hambil coming back but it's reall just GASBOT posting with Hambil's account. nOBODY nOTICES. Christmas comes and goes. FUCK SHIT COCK.
 
Did you mean 2008 by any chance?
 
Wacky lives in the future.
 
Double Post? HUH?
 
2009 Predictions.

January - The Queen is placed into administration, further proof that no household name is safe from the shrinking economy. She is eventually raffled off for £29.99 to the eventual buyer, Mohammad Al-Fayed, who offers her as ransom to the Duke of Edinburgh in exchange for a signed statement that he was indeed driving the white Fiat Uno in the Paris tunnel causing the death of his son & Diana.

February - Mohammad Al-Fayed is found guilty of touching a girl up, and is imprisoned under Her Majesty's Pleasure. However, as Her Majesty has been placed into administration, every citizen of Britain is allowed to taser Fayed through the bars of his cell.

March - Strictly Come Dancing makes an early comeback on the BBC, as the news programmes in the morning are left with only the credit crunch to report on, and don't have their own reality celeb show to constantly plug to the point of suicidal feelings. As this is a charity show, all the competitors are land mine victims sponsored by the Princess Diana Memorial Fund for the Victims of Land Mines. They have no legs. Somewhere in his cell, Fayed is heard weeping (until tasered).

April - John Cena wins the WWE title 15 times in one Raw show, having lost it to Money in the Bank winner, Festus. Cena is cast as the new Superman, and Hogan as Braniac. The movie, however collapses in the developmental stage as Hogan refuses to job to Cena. In an unexpected twist, Cena is also placed into administration due to the credit crunch and is auctioned off on www.com with a job-lot of soiled Diva's underwear. The winning bidder is later revealed to be Festus, who is named WWE Champion as a result.

May - Strictly Come Dancing draws to a close as the remaining contestants are placed in a jungle and made to eat kangaroo testicles and other such items, which the BBC refer to as 'The Bush Tuck-Box Dancing Challenge'. ITV sue the BBC, but lose the case and are forced into administration, removing one of the 5 terrestrial UK TV channels from the air. Later the BBC are found to have fixed the phone polls of Strictly, and are fined £95.5 trillion by Ofcom. This forces the BBC into administration, of whom the newly qualified accountant, Russell Brand is appointed to oversee.

June - Jonathan Ross is revealed to have more than £100billion of taxpayers money in offshore accounts. Luxembourg & Liechtenstein authorities reveal that the banknotes he passed their banks were all marked "With lots of love to you Jonathan, from your good friend Bernie Madoff". Further revelations are later printed in The Sun that Jonathan Ross has also been bankrolling Al Qaeda for the last 5 years. He sues them, wins, and they are forced into Administration, with Rupert Murdoch and £42.8 million passed to Ross in fines. Ross has Murdoch killed by firing squad, causing the British public to fall in love with him all over again.

July - The BBC are back into business, having been saved from administration by Jonathan Ross. Ross immediately appoints Russell Brand as Controller of all programmes. An Andrew Sachs channel is unveiled, where Sachs is proven to be even more of a miserable bastard than Antony Daniels. Sachs immediately sues, wins, and the BBC is once again placed into Administration.

August - Poland table a bid for Great Britain, now so far in the grip of the Credit Crunch that the Pound has no value, and a loaf of bread costs £4.2m. Poland are awarded Great Britain, and they appoint Robert Mugabe as Prime Minister, but Gordon Brown, now the leader of a breakaway Guerrilla Group, attempts an assassination. Like all of Browns policies, the attempt fails, and Mugabe instead dies of shock. Poland appoint Jonathan Ross as the new Prime Minister.

September - The BBC admit they are once again suffering financial difficulties. The public have begun to suspect something was wrong after a whole day's programmed was pushed & replaced with Bill Turnbull of BBC Breakfast News just staring into a camera as the Cheeky Girls danced around him. Every 15 minutes an off-screen person prods Turnbull with a cattle prod, forcing him to shriek "Tune into Strictly tomorrow at 8pm!". The BBC is fined by Ofcom, but Ofcom go into administration before they can reveal the sum of the fine.

October - The new Jeremy Clarkson Channel on BBC Jeremy Clarkson (Wales Only) is pulled after Clarkson knees a cameraman in the nuts and shoves leek up his arse, screaming "Fuck you, sheep botherers!". The Channel is later restored after Ofcom (now out of administration) clear the joke as "In line with the tone of the programme". There is uproar in Wales, and Ofcom are again forced into Administration.

November- The Queen is photographed trudging the streets of London with a trolley full of cans. She is cold, hungry and out of work. Grundy Television (now in charge of the BBC, with previous owner Murdoch now dead) hire her as a cast member on Neighbours. She turns it down and is instead revealed to be the final contestant on the 17th series of Strictly Come Dancing in the last 6 months on BBC1.

December - Christmas is forced into administration as part of the global credit crunch, and December is cancelled. Things look bleak for 2010...
 
MY PREDICTIONS>

January: January is renamed SEX MONTH by Lena Headey and Summer Glau. When Thomas Dekker asks them how they got the authority to make such a change, George Lucas jumps out from behind a bush and stabs him in the back of the head with a tuning fork. He then nods at the ladies and cackles a bit.

February: Renamed EDGE AND LITA HAD AN AFFAIR BEHIND MATT HARDY'S BACK LOL AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO FORGET IT MONTH by Admiral Ackbar, who turns out to just be Hayden Christenssen in a rubber suit. How does this all tie together!?

March: Nothing happens. Literally nothing. No one can move or speak for the whole month. Most of the world's population starves to death.

April: Lucas admits that he "paused the world" as part of an "evil plan" he's in on with the cast of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

May: Bigfoot discovers the lost city of Atlantis.

June: Family Guy cancelled due to too many Meg jokes.

July: Hitler comes back, says he's not really back, it's really just Shirley Mansoon shape-shifted into him. Her acting is still awful.

August: Britney Spears found dead in her mother's womb.

September: Someone posts a "ladder to heaven" thread on September 11th again.

October: Lucas reveals that he didn't really have an evil plan at all.

November: Spielberg reveals that HE has an evil plan but he can't reveal it until 2012.

Decemember: Lucas laughs at anyone who read this whole thing. Seriously, there was no point in reading this.
 
Bad news: Christmas just went into administration.
 
Lucas doesn't pay the midgets he hires to dress as Ewoks and R2 units on Christmas day, he just lets them eat scraps out of the bin.
 
And he scored a 50 yard field goal with Kenny Baker just so his kids could cheer.
 
And created a new CGI monster just to catch Baker in its jaws.
 
I predict Morel Oral's final season will be its best yet.
 
I started to make a bunch of predictions for 2009 yesterday, then I decided all my predictions were lame and I didn't post them. They're gone forever now, and they'll probably all come true and we are DOOOMED.
 
OH well.
 
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