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A new continuing story

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
When Mister Bilbo Baggins announced that he was getting married to Saddam Hussien, the people of Hobbiton thought he had lost his bloody mind!

"He's lost his bloody mind, I tell you!" said Ted Sandyman, the miller's son.

"He's also been a strange one, old Mad Baggins," said young Peregrin Took. "Always eating pickles on a Sunday."

"Leave him alone you curds!" said Samwise Gamgee, the gardener. "I love Mister Bilbo like a father and won't here a word against him!"

"What about me, son?" said old Gaffer Gamgee, Sam's dad. "Don't you me like a father too?"

"Uhh, sure," said Sam, rolling his eyes.

"Well if you ask me Mister Baggins should be arrested!" said Rosie Cotton, the farmer's slut daughter. "Marrying Saddam Hussien? How dare he! Think of all the little squirrels Saddam Hussien had killed."

There were murmurs of agreement from around the Green Dragon.

"Hold on!" said a stranger. Everyone turned to look at him. This was no mere hobbit. He stood up...he was human! Or of human shape, at least...

"Who are you coming into our gentlehobbit pub?" asked Sandyman.

"I am Saruman the Wise!" said the stranger, throwing off his grey cloak to reveal a shining coat of many colours underneath. The hobbits were in awe of him. "I am here to perform the wedding ceremony!"

"Hurray!" shouted Samwise Gamgee, but the rest of the hobbits were suspicious of the stranger.

"No good will come of this, I tell you," mumbled the old Gaffer.
 
"It's a beautiful day for a wedding!" said young Frodo Baggins to his friend Meriadoc Brandybuck.

"Yes," said Merry, "it is. It's just a shame that Bilbo is marrying Saddam Hussien!"

"Now come on Merry, uncle Bilbo loves Saddam! He says he's changed and I belive him!" said Frodo.

"I give the marriage six months," said Merry, shaking his little head.

"Sssh, here comes uncle Bilbo and aunt Saddam now!" said Frodo. And indeed they were walking down from Bagshoot Row, hand in hand.

"It's bed luck to see the bride before the wedding!" said Merry as they approached.

"A silly superstition, my lad!" said Bilbo. "Saddam and I have been up all night making love and have no wish to be parted."

"Umm, that's...nice," said Merry.

"It was more than nice!" said Saddam in a rough Iraqi accent. "It was orgasmic!"
 
It was time for the wedding and everyone was nervous. Bilbo hadn't shown up yet!

"Where is he!" said Saddam, steaming mad.

"Calm down I'm sure he'll be here!" said Saruman. "Unless the spell has worn off..."

"What!?" said Samwise who was listening in.

"Err, nothing!" said Saruman. "You fucking piglet!"

"What!?" said Samwise.

"Err, nothing!" said Saruman. "You lovely little gentlehobbit!"

"That's better," said Sam, crossing his arms.

"Here he comes!" shouted Peregrin.

Bilbo walked down the aisle in a white wedding dress, Frodo holding his arm.

"He's so beautiful!" cried Merry. "I love you, Pip."

"I know, Merry," said Pippin and they snogged.

"DEARLY BELOVED!" said Saruman, getting everyone's attention with his powerful voice. "We are gathered here to do to witness the hobbitsexual union of Bilbo Baggins and Saddam Hussien. If there is anyone here with reason to object to this wedding then let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

"I HAVE AN OBJECTION!" came a booming voice from the back of the church. Everyone turned around and gasped!

"YOU!" said Saruman, hate in his voice.

"That's right," said Gandalf. "I'm here to stop this wedding and to kick some ass!"
 
"Gandalf!" said Frodo. He ran up and hugged Gandalf's leg.

"Yes, hello Frodo," said Gandalf, looking annoyed. "Stop humping my leg now."

"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT!" said Saruman. "THERE TWO ARE IN LOVE!"

"That's right!" said Bilbo. "I love Saddam and if that costs me my friendship with you then so be it, Gandalf!"

"I am also, how you say, in love with Bilbo's cock!" said Saddam in a FOREIGN ACCENT.

"You're under a spell Bilbo, you old fool!" said Gandalf.

"I knew!" said Samwise. "I knew it was a spell all along! Didn't I say it was a spell all along?"

"No, you didn't!" said Ted Sandyman.

"Oh, that's right," said Sam. "I thought their love was real and would last forever. Never mind."

"Our love IS real!" said Bilbo, angry.

"GUARDS!" shouted Saruaman, "take this wizard BASTARD out of here!"

Five SURLY TROLLS circle around Gandalf.

"I'll help you Gandalf!" said Frodo.

"You have my sword!" said Aragorn, also at the wedding.

"And my bow!" said Legolas who was there too I just forgot to mention him.

"AND MY AXE!" said Gimli.
 
"HOHO, WE ARE TROLLS!" said a troll.

"Yeah, we are," said another.

"RAPE!" said a third.

"Enough talk!" said Gimli. "Now we fight!"

"No," said Saruman. "Now you dance!" and he cast a spell and Gandalf, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli started dancing. "The trolls were just a distraction! HAHAHA!" And Saruman rode away on a white horse with Bilbo and Saddam in a sack!

"Oh noes!" said Sam. "Saruman the blighter has gotten away! Gandalf, Frodo, you must go after him!"

"Can't...stop...dancing!" said Gandalf, dancing.

"Me...neither!" said Frodo.

"Well this is a right pickle and no mistake!" said Sam. "Merry, Pippin, stop making out and help me!"

"Mmm, Pippin," said Merry. "Uhh, what?"

"We want to go home and shag, Sam!" complained Merry. Sam slapped him.

"We need to help Mister Frodo and the others! What's a good way to get someone to stop dancing?"

"Umm...to hump them up the ass?" asked Merry. Sam thought about this for a moment.

"Okay!" he said.
 
And so it was that Samwise did hump Mister Frodo up the ass and on that day the spell was finally broken and Frodo stopped dancing. And at the same time young Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took humped the asses of the rest of the Fellowship of the ring, breaking the dancing spell on them. And then Sam, Merry and Pippin shared a look with each other and in that look conveyed their true sexuality: the desire to hump clothed asses.

"All very touching, but you still have to defeat us!" said a troll.

"BY GROBBLAR'S HAMMER, I CAST THEE OUT!" said Gandalf and the trolls all turned into pigs. Then Gimli cut the pigs up into little pieces with his axe.

"That was easy," said Frod.

"We have to catch up with Saruman before he marries Bilbo and Saddam!" said Aragorn.

"We need horses!" said Legolas.

"HIPPO-APPEARUS!" said Gandalf, and six horses appeared.

"That was easy," said Frodo.

"Why do I always have to share with Legolas?" grumbled Gimli. "Can't you conjour me up a pony?"

"No," said Gandafl, flatly. "NOW WE RIDE!"
 
And so the six horses rode far over the plains and fields of Middle Earth, drawing ever close to the tower of Orthancm, Isengard the home of Saruman the White.

"Hang on!" said Aragorn, and they all stopped. "How come there's only six horses for eight of us? Legolas and Gimli are sharing, but who else..." And they all looked around to see that Merry and Pippin were not only sharing a horse, but sharing their love for each other in a physical fashion, sharing their bodily fluids as well.

"Gay sex on a horse, that's disgusting that is!" said the ignorant and homophobic Samwise Gamgee. "Mister Frodo, what do you think?"

"Oh shut the fuck up, Sam," interrupted Legolas. "Everyone knows you're gay for Frodo."

"I am not, you big elven-poofter!" said Sam, angry.

"Sam, settle down," said Frodo, patting him on the knee.

"Yes sir Mister Frodo, anything you say sir," said Samwise, blushing.

"Enough of this silliness!" said Gandalf. "NOW WE RIDE!"

And they were off again, Merry and Pippin fucking all the way, and they didn't stop until they reach Isengard. The gates were locked.

"Can't you open them Gandalf?" said a post-orgasmic Pippin.

"Maybe I'll bash the door in with your head!" said Gandalf.

"I'm the only one that gets to bash Pippin's head!" said Merry, defensively.

"LET ME AT IT!" said Gimli, brandishing his axe. Merry quickly pulled Pippin to safety, but Gimli was talking about the gate which he smashed open with his axe. Standing behind the gate was Arwen.

"Arwen!?" asked Aragorn, astonished. "What are you doing here?"

Arwen laughed evily. "I'm here because I've been having an affair with Saruman!"
 
"What!?" said Aragorn, shocked. "No! That's not true! That's unpossible!"

"IMpossible, mate," said Pippin, growing bored already and idly starting to finger Merry's bumhole.

"SHUT UP YOU WORTHLESS FAG!" screamed Aragorn. Merry was shocked.

"He didn't mean it, Merry!" said Gimli.

"YES I FUCKING DID!" said Aragorn, unsheathing his mighty sword. "Now tell all bitch or shall run you through!"

"Hehehe!" laughed Arwen, devilishly. "I love Saruman's long wizard STAFF and by that I mean his cock!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRARGH!" said Aragorn and he did run her through. Arwen slumped to the ground, dead, her entire existence blinked out in an instant.

"You killed her!" said Frodo.

"No shit," said Gandalf. "Now come on, let's kill the rest of the bastard!" But then, Arwen's body turned to DUST!

"Hey wait a minute, Arwen wasn't made out of dust!" said Aragon, confused.

"Hmm, it appears Saruman created a dust monster in the shape of Arwen and sent it to trick us!" said Gandalf.

"Is there no depth to which he will not stoop!?" asked Legolas in an overly-dramatic way.

The members of the Fellowship made their way up the long path to the tower of Orthanc, stopping to fight off wolves and spacebats and the like along the way.

"Finally, we have arrived!" said Gandalf. "And now to stop this unholy wedding once and for all!"

"Umm, we know that, Gandalf," said Frodo. "You don't have to keep reminding us of what we're doing."

Before Gandalf could give him a kicking, Saruman appeared at the window.

"SO YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THE WEDDING, MY FRIENDS," he said. "BUT CAN YOU, I WONDER, MAKE IT PAST...WORMTONGUE AND HIS ROTATING PENIS!?"

At that moment, Wormtongue ran out of Orthanc, stark naked, and rotating his own penis with his fingers, a crazed look on his face.

"OH SHIT!" said Gimli.
 
OMG OMG!! Not the rotating penis!!

I didn't know there were spacebats in middle earth.

I love this one Wacky, can't wait till the next chapter.
 
I always thought Sam was both homophobic and latent. Well spotted.

Where is Saddam? He has been cast aside I feel, left dangling almost (groan)
 
"CHOP HIS DECK OFF WITH YOUR AXE, GIMLI!" said Gandalf. "IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE!"

"But then my axe will become gay!" said Gimli.

"That's a risk I'm willing you to take!" said Gandalf.

"FINE!" shouted Gimli. "But if my axe turns gay on his day then may I also DIE this day!"

"Just hurry the fuck up!" said Frodo. "He's getting closer with his penis!"

"Hahahaha, there's no stopping me!" laughed Wormtongue. "Here I CUM! AAARGH!" Gimli chopped wildly at the penis and it flew off. Sam caught it in his mouth.

"Mmmph, a penid in my mouth!" said Sam.

"Sam you fool, spit it out!" said Gandalf.

"Ooooh, that's just what Merry said last night!" said Pippin.

"Except I woudln't have said 'Sam you fool', would I?" said Merry, annoyed. "Since I was talking to you, dumbass."

"I've had enough of this!" said Aragorn. "Wormtongue is defeated, his penis is cast asunder! Saruman made a dust version of my wife, now I say we turn him to dust!"

"How?" asked Legolas, geuinely curious.

"Umm, burn him or something," said Aragorn. "Let's just storm the fucking tower!"

"I hope we're not too late," said Gandalf. "If Bilbo and Saddam are married then the very gates of Hell will open and Satan's Legions shall consume all that is fair and good upon the face of the Earth!"

They all ran up the stairs, into the tower. They kept on going up and up to the very top. There stood Bilbo and Saddam Hussien, bound together by chains. There stood Saruman, ready and waiting to marry them.

"So the wedding guests are here at last," said Saruman. "Here, for an EAGLE EYE VIEW!" And just as he said that apparently nonsensical sentece, some great eagles swooped down and attacked the Fellowship!

"Shit, eagles!" said Frodo, speaking for us all!
 
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