CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Stuart was eating eggs.
"Hey egg-eater, what you up to?" asked his invisible duck.
"Just eating some eggs, you know," said Stuart, nervously.
"Hey that's great pal, I'm really pleased for you!" said the duck.
"Thanks," said Stuart, relieved the duck wasn't in a bad mood.
"So how about when you're finished those eggs you, oh I don't know, you...stab yourself in the eye you worthless fucker?"
Oh no. This was exactly what Stuart didn't want. "I'd really rather not," he said, lamely.
"Aww, you'd really rather not?" mocked the duck. "That's too FUGGIN' bad isn't it you tinypenisheadman!"
"I'm not doing it," said Stuart, more forceful this time. The lameness of "tinypenisheadman" as an insult had gotten to him.
"Oh no," said the duck, menacingly. "Then I guess I'll have to fuggin' well kill another virgin!"
"Don't!" said Stuart, the deaths were weighing on his conscience. "Please don't!"
"Well it's either that or you stab yourself in your worthless eye!" said the duck. "Which is it going to be, shitboy?"
"I'll...I'll stab myself...in the thigh."
"IN THE EYE," demanded the duck.
"In the eye, in the eye," said Stuart, relenting fully. "Just don't hurt anymore girls."
"Of course not, pal!" said the duck, back to his friendly old self. "Not as long as you keep doing exactly what I tell you! Same time tomorrow, then?"
"Yes," said Stuart, despair taking over.
"Same time every day until you die!" said the duck, smiling, and it vanished. With no hesitation, Stuart took the knife he'd been using to cut his eggs and stab himself furiously in the eye."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!" he screamed and fell off his chair in pain. He found it hard to get back up. He had cut both his legs off five years previously in an attempt to stop the duck from blowing up a school bus.
"Hey egg-eater, what you up to?" asked his invisible duck.
"Just eating some eggs, you know," said Stuart, nervously.
"Hey that's great pal, I'm really pleased for you!" said the duck.
"Thanks," said Stuart, relieved the duck wasn't in a bad mood.
"So how about when you're finished those eggs you, oh I don't know, you...stab yourself in the eye you worthless fucker?"
Oh no. This was exactly what Stuart didn't want. "I'd really rather not," he said, lamely.
"Aww, you'd really rather not?" mocked the duck. "That's too FUGGIN' bad isn't it you tinypenisheadman!"
"I'm not doing it," said Stuart, more forceful this time. The lameness of "tinypenisheadman" as an insult had gotten to him.
"Oh no," said the duck, menacingly. "Then I guess I'll have to fuggin' well kill another virgin!"
"Don't!" said Stuart, the deaths were weighing on his conscience. "Please don't!"
"Well it's either that or you stab yourself in your worthless eye!" said the duck. "Which is it going to be, shitboy?"
"I'll...I'll stab myself...in the thigh."
"IN THE EYE," demanded the duck.
"In the eye, in the eye," said Stuart, relenting fully. "Just don't hurt anymore girls."
"Of course not, pal!" said the duck, back to his friendly old self. "Not as long as you keep doing exactly what I tell you! Same time tomorrow, then?"
"Yes," said Stuart, despair taking over.
"Same time every day until you die!" said the duck, smiling, and it vanished. With no hesitation, Stuart took the knife he'd been using to cut his eggs and stab himself furiously in the eye."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!" he screamed and fell off his chair in pain. He found it hard to get back up. He had cut both his legs off five years previously in an attempt to stop the duck from blowing up a school bus.
