Aemon Holmes eats live mice

[CaptainWacky]

Aemon Holmes today admitted to eating live mice in an interview with Des Lynam. "It's true, haha!" he said, biting the head off a live mouse. "I buy 'em in bulk and snack on them all day! Haha!"

David Jason (who voiced Dangermouse) was unavailable for comment, but we did speak to the guy who played Uncle Albert in Only Fools.

"During the wary..." he began, before we remembered he died several years ago and we were in fact speaking to Dot Cotton from Eastenders in a false white beard.

Bagpuss was unavailable for comment.

 

[The Tomtrek]

I would pay good money to see an action film starring Aemon Holmes and Des Lynam.

Think about it...

Entering the Great Hall, Aemon wipes the blood from his Katana. At the other end Des Lynam sits in his golden throne.

Des: Ah, Mr. Holmes. I see you have made it past my army of five-hundred. You are indeed a great swordsman, as the legend foretells.

Aemon: And I would kill five-hundred more in order to stop your rule of this land, Lynam. This ends today.

Des: You think it will be that easy? No, Mr. Holmes, no. You must yet fight my greatest assassin, a man whose power is more than a match for a mere Breakfast Television presenter such as yourself. [YELLING] FIIISH! I SUMMON THEE!

Michael Fish swoops down as if from nowhere, a katana in his hand and bloodlust in his eyes.

Des: This wont take long.

A bloody flight ensues. Michael Fish manages to strike a severe blow in Aemon, but in a double-bluff, Aemon manages to get the upper hand and decapitates Michael Fish, his head rolling to the foot of the Golden Throne.

Aemon: It seems you were right.

Des: LET US FINISH THIS!

Leaping from his Throne, Des draws his Katana and lunges at Aemon's throat.

Des: I've been presenting sports-related programs for years, boy! My Setanta ads ARE JUST THE NEXT STEP IN MY PLANS TO RULE ALL OF ITV.

Aemon: You are old, Des. You are weak.

Des: WE WILL SEE!

They duel fiercely. Aemon manages to strike a blow into Des, slitting open his belly, his intestines spilling to the floor. Aemon keels to Des' corpse and gets close to his now cold and lifeless face.

Aemon: And after the break, Lorraine Kelly will be here telling us how to make simple vegan dishes from leftovers.

Aemon covers his hand in Des' blood, smearing it on his face. He stands up and bellows a war cry to the heavens.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Add in an appearance by Lynam's todger and I SMELL OSCAR.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

And we now join John Motson and the sniffly northern bloke in the commentary box...