Paladin
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10. How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?
Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate
9. How do Republicans reduce unemployment?
Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.
8. How do Republicans increase unemployment?
Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.
7. How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.
6. How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.
5. How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
Answer: She marries her kidnapper.
4. How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
Answer: No one knows: it's never been tried.
3. How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.
2. Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.
1. Amerikans, the "Cheez-Whiz-eating Lewinsky addicts."
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park ...
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".
"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.
"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"
"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"
"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?" The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'
An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends.
"Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the
policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his presiding chair, “Then we should have another article providing that no foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade.â€
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
On the radio
This is the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course."
Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert your course."
Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Ha ha stupid Americans.
Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate
9. How do Republicans reduce unemployment?
Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.
8. How do Republicans increase unemployment?
Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky.
7. How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?
Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.
6. How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have?
Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.
5. How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene?
Answer: She marries her kidnapper.
4. How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists?
Answer: No one knows: it's never been tried.
3. How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?
Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.
2. Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos?
Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too.
1. Amerikans, the "Cheez-Whiz-eating Lewinsky addicts."
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park ...
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".
"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.
"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"
"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"
"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?" The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'
An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends.
"Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the
policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."
The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his presiding chair, “Then we should have another article providing that no foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade.â€
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again!"
On the radio
This is the transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
Americans: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course."
Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert your course."
Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Ha ha stupid Americans.
