whisky
Boobie inspector
Went out with a bunch of people from work last night, worked our way through a number of pubs, first one not so good, average age seemed to be 50, that was lowered in the next one, but ever bar seemed to have a number of things on common.
1 fucking loud, not the music, that was something barely in the background, no its 200 people all talking at once, most of them saying "what? I cant hear you!"
2 four deep at the bar. I go to pubs to drink, if I sober up in the time it takes to get served, it is not providing me with what I need.
3 no Bud. If you have a load of Budweiser beer mats, why the fuck dont you sell Budweiser?
4 Desperate women, now dont get me wrong, some of these are real nice to look at, sadly the rest are not.
5 Desperate men, hey knock my Hawaiian shirt if you want, but that's fucking timeless, you're at a bar dressed like Gordon Gecko, its been 30 years man, move on.
6 drunk dancing, in movies when someone starts dancing the crowd move out of the way so you can strut your stuff in peace, in real life if you start slinging your legs about like you have just been tazered, you are probably going to jostle a lot of pints, cut it out motherfucker!
7 I cant hear you! Yeah, its basically teh same as 1, only its to do with the people I am with, if you are stood next to me I can hear you, if you are stood next to the guy stood next to me, you might as well be a teacher from Snoopy, because unlike Hal 9000 I cant lip read.
8 tits. see 4
9 trying to get anywhere when the place is reamed. You will touch a lot of strangers when trying to get to the bar, the toilet, the front door, or anywhere else, this can be a good opertunity to slap some ass, just time it well or it could be a dude, of course if you are into that, that is no bad thing.
10, crap jokes. You will not escape these, unless the person telling them is not the person stood next to you.
11 toilets. Now I dont know about girls toilets (this is a lie, I accidently opened the door to one last night, just a bunch of girls talking, boo), but mens toilets are universally vile, two inches of piss on the floor, a urinal that I cant go in if anyone else is stood next to me, and a stall with a broken lock, they always are trust me, the amount of times I have pissed with one hand on my cock and one on teh door, well its a lot anyway. I just cant piss in front of other men, dont know why, used to do it at school, cant as a grown up, not that there was men in the toilets at school, appart from that one weird teacher.
12 terrible locations for the dance floor. In all the bars I have been the dance floor is always near the toilets, meaning half the people on teh dance floor are not actually dancing, but trying to make there way towards the piss soaked toilets.
Maybe I am getting too old for this shit, maybe as a married man I dont see the thrill of the chase, or maybe I am just anti fucking social, but last night wasnt a great night.
That said if they ask me out again next month I'll probably go.
1 fucking loud, not the music, that was something barely in the background, no its 200 people all talking at once, most of them saying "what? I cant hear you!"
2 four deep at the bar. I go to pubs to drink, if I sober up in the time it takes to get served, it is not providing me with what I need.
3 no Bud. If you have a load of Budweiser beer mats, why the fuck dont you sell Budweiser?
4 Desperate women, now dont get me wrong, some of these are real nice to look at, sadly the rest are not.
5 Desperate men, hey knock my Hawaiian shirt if you want, but that's fucking timeless, you're at a bar dressed like Gordon Gecko, its been 30 years man, move on.
6 drunk dancing, in movies when someone starts dancing the crowd move out of the way so you can strut your stuff in peace, in real life if you start slinging your legs about like you have just been tazered, you are probably going to jostle a lot of pints, cut it out motherfucker!
7 I cant hear you! Yeah, its basically teh same as 1, only its to do with the people I am with, if you are stood next to me I can hear you, if you are stood next to the guy stood next to me, you might as well be a teacher from Snoopy, because unlike Hal 9000 I cant lip read.
8 tits. see 4
9 trying to get anywhere when the place is reamed. You will touch a lot of strangers when trying to get to the bar, the toilet, the front door, or anywhere else, this can be a good opertunity to slap some ass, just time it well or it could be a dude, of course if you are into that, that is no bad thing.
10, crap jokes. You will not escape these, unless the person telling them is not the person stood next to you.
11 toilets. Now I dont know about girls toilets (this is a lie, I accidently opened the door to one last night, just a bunch of girls talking, boo), but mens toilets are universally vile, two inches of piss on the floor, a urinal that I cant go in if anyone else is stood next to me, and a stall with a broken lock, they always are trust me, the amount of times I have pissed with one hand on my cock and one on teh door, well its a lot anyway. I just cant piss in front of other men, dont know why, used to do it at school, cant as a grown up, not that there was men in the toilets at school, appart from that one weird teacher.
12 terrible locations for the dance floor. In all the bars I have been the dance floor is always near the toilets, meaning half the people on teh dance floor are not actually dancing, but trying to make there way towards the piss soaked toilets.
Maybe I am getting too old for this shit, maybe as a married man I dont see the thrill of the chase, or maybe I am just anti fucking social, but last night wasnt a great night.
That said if they ask me out again next month I'll probably go.
