Sarek
Vuhlkansu Wihs
Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, unveiled a new terror alert system today. The new system promises to be much more user friendly, and is designed to help Middle America understand threats to their security. The redesign came in response to growing criticism that the former system was virtually useless. The new system features the following levels from lowest alert to highest:
Level 1 - Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Citizens are to go about their daily routines without any precautions. Activities may include disregarding federal laws on immigration, allowing passengers to board planes without proper ID, purchasing large SUV’s, and keeping observed suspicious activity to yourself.
Level 2 – Moderately Paranoid: Citizens should exercise caution in their daily routines. Activities to include not speaking with strangers, purchasing SPAM and bottled water, ensuring your will is up to date, and purchasing mid-sized vehicles.
Level 3 – Uh Oh: Citizens should exercise extreme caution and suspicion in their daily routines. Activities to include not opening your mail, duct-taping windows with plastic sheeting, purchasing back up generators, planning emergency routes to nearest fall-out shelter, and treating every moment like it could be your last.
Level 4 – Defecate in Your Pants: Citizens should abandon their daily routines. Activities to include general anarchistic behavior, staying at home, filling bathtubs with drinking water, stockpiling arms, and barricading doors and windows. If you must go outside, appropriate activities include looting, rioting, arson, and senselessly beating those of a different ethnic origin than your own.
Level 5 – Jesus, I’m coming home!: George Bush is in his specially designed bunker counting up profits made during the great gas price gouge. The rest of us are fucked as due to national concerns, we’re not invited. George knows best.
As part of the new system, McGruff the Crime Dog will give the daily Terror Outlook for the next five days via pre-designated media outlets. McGruff will also give pointers on how to handle the threat level, and things you can do to help take a bite out of terrorism. Parents are encouraged to watch the forecast with their children, and discuss what is learned each day.
And in case you’re wondering, tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful, moderately paranoid day.
Level 1 - Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Citizens are to go about their daily routines without any precautions. Activities may include disregarding federal laws on immigration, allowing passengers to board planes without proper ID, purchasing large SUV’s, and keeping observed suspicious activity to yourself.
Level 2 – Moderately Paranoid: Citizens should exercise caution in their daily routines. Activities to include not speaking with strangers, purchasing SPAM and bottled water, ensuring your will is up to date, and purchasing mid-sized vehicles.
Level 3 – Uh Oh: Citizens should exercise extreme caution and suspicion in their daily routines. Activities to include not opening your mail, duct-taping windows with plastic sheeting, purchasing back up generators, planning emergency routes to nearest fall-out shelter, and treating every moment like it could be your last.
Level 4 – Defecate in Your Pants: Citizens should abandon their daily routines. Activities to include general anarchistic behavior, staying at home, filling bathtubs with drinking water, stockpiling arms, and barricading doors and windows. If you must go outside, appropriate activities include looting, rioting, arson, and senselessly beating those of a different ethnic origin than your own.
Level 5 – Jesus, I’m coming home!: George Bush is in his specially designed bunker counting up profits made during the great gas price gouge. The rest of us are fucked as due to national concerns, we’re not invited. George knows best.
As part of the new system, McGruff the Crime Dog will give the daily Terror Outlook for the next five days via pre-designated media outlets. McGruff will also give pointers on how to handle the threat level, and things you can do to help take a bite out of terrorism. Parents are encouraged to watch the forecast with their children, and discuss what is learned each day.
And in case you’re wondering, tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful, moderately paranoid day.
