classichummus
on a break from forums
Butt Sex: A Beginners Guide
LEMME HEAR YOU SAY “UNGH” by Vice mag.
Once, while having sex with my militant feminist girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode in autopilot when things come out like “do it, fucker.” This time, however, out of nowhere I go, “I love hurting you.”
Instead of getting angry or disturbed she said, “I love it when you hurt me.”
That was the 1st time I totally understood what it’s all about. Love hurts & sex is hostile. In a time when everything is about egalitarianism and feeling good we are forgetting the merits of pain. What about the joy of dirty smells and helplessness? The joy of taking over someone’s body like a snake with a frog in its mouth? I love that shit.
So without further ado, here is the guide to the only sexual taboo left: getting reamed up the cake.
FAGS GO HOME
This article is not for fags. Telling fags how to have anal is like telling Mexicans how to breed. Fags are so over it they could wake up in a sea of blood & poo & say, “That didn’t work out so well. Let’s go get some amyl nitrate & try it again.” They are the masters & have all kinds of great tips on how to use drugs but, I don’t know, that’s just not the hetero way.
This guide is for heteros who want to put the boy’s dink in the girl’s bum.
GIRLS NOT DOWN WITH THE BROWN
Not all ladies are potential sodomites. Maybe she was raped in the bum at 14. Maybe she grew up with a lot of homophob brothers & believes that “anuses are for fags.” Or, maybe she’s just not built for it. You know, the same way old men can’t do gymnastics and 13yr old girls are notoriously bad lieutenants.
The “no way in hell” girls have 2 distinct characteristics. 1 They hate bands with female singers 2 They shake their heads when you ask them if they liked the 1st try & say, “It felt like I had to go poo.” If your girl is like this stop reading now & try to get over it.
GIRLS DOWN WITH THE BROWN
There are many types of ladies that are perfect for sodomy. 1st generation immigrants are great because, after being bombarded with all kinds of new experiences (baseball, MTV, spaceship cars) she's ready to try anything. Virgins are good too. They just figured out how to work their vagina so adding another 1 isn’t so absurd. It’s like someone coming over with an extra cup when you’re doing the dishes. You’re just like, “Oh that too? Okay.” The ultimate catch as far as willingness goes would have to be Catholic girls. Thanks to oppressive dads insisting their hymen stays intact, every other orifice gets a rigorous workout before graduation. In fact, 9 times out of 10 it’s the Catholic girl that introduces it to the boy. “You don’t need a condom,” she’ll say. “We can bungi,” (that’s their special word for it) & then that spoiled little boy is ruined forever.
Odds are you’re in a relationship with someone in between. She’s not totally against or totally into it. If so, you should be reading this, which you are, so, good.
GOOD PAIN VS BAD PAIN
Before you start hurting someone, let’s make it clear what kind of pain we're talking about. There is good pain & bad pain. Good pain is dull & all-consuming & bad pain is sharp & very localized. If you’ve ever put a girl’s legs behind her head & had your boner ram her cervix during sex that’s what bad pain is like. You can tell because she gets up fast like your dink’s an electric eel & it makes her so mad the lay is usually over. A well-lubed, slow & careful intrusion is a good pain, like being sat on by a fat person you love. The bad pain of an unlubed & rushed anal intrusion cuts her ass, pisses her off, & kills the whole thing forever.
GETTING IN THE DOOR
She won’t like anal until her 17th time. It’s an acquired taste. But you have to get her to want to go through that good pain. To get that response, you must employ the “Pavlov’s Dog” technique. When you’re eating her out, occasionally touch around the asshole. Give it small and swirling “hellos” like if you were trying to pet a newborn squirrel without scaring it too much. It’s best to try this when she’s totally horned up out of her mind & plastered. If you take it slow, easy & smart you’re looking at a total time of 5 months. Don’t be afraid to lick it. Salad tossing is not gross with women because they shit roses. Put your finger in there & smell. See? Roses.
After you’ve got through the taboo front gate you can start being more friendly with the baby squirrel.
EMERGENCY RESCUE
If things are going too slow you should skip to the “Turning Him Over” sidebar and have her try it on you. Once you’ve gone through it her curiosity is awoken. She’ll be like, “Didn’t it feel like you had to go poo?” & you say, “No, I loved it.” Then she’ll be like, “Really?”
Nice save.
THE BROWN CAVE
After massaging becomes totally commonplace you can inject a well lubed pinkie in there when she’s cumming. This is called the Trojan Pinkie Pavlov Horse, or “TPPH” for short (pronounce by making a fart sound).
You are going to notice some weird things in there. 1st there’s a lot more room than you expected. Once you get past the bouncers, it’s a roomy club. That’s why butt plugs are cinched where the anus goes but are all big where the rectum is. You may also notice a very prominent pulsating vein. I have no idea what the fuck that is. Probably a good way to check someone’s pulse if they have fat wrists because the thing is like “bong, bong, bong.” Don’t worry about the vein.
The 3rd thing you may or may not notice is a little soft finger poking back at you like a squishy little Turkish ET. That is a piece of poo. Don’t tell her you felt that or she’ll be all grossed out. Just treat it like a pussy fart & pretend it never happened. Incidentally, the poo finger means you are going to get some shit on your cock. You’re probably wearing a condom anyway but if you aren’t, get to the bathroom the second you are done. DO NOT PASS OUT! Waking up hungover with a shit-encrusted foreskin is a dangerous way to hit the showers. The hot water reactivates the stench & your already delicate stomach will kick food out of your body like a shovel throwing dirt.
THE 2ND DINK
Once she’s kind of into finger cameos, start incorporating the lubed finger during fucking. Now you can start going from pinkies to index to a thumb. Then maybe even 2 fingers. You are at the point now where the anus has become a baby vagina.
Now she actually looks forward to her daily anal penetration. Don’t underestimate how far you’ve come. This is as exciting as the 1st time you got a girl’s pants off & was able to finger her properly. If things keep going this well she may eventually learn to cum from it.
Just kidding—only God gets that.
TOY TOWN
Before moving on to Dinktown you can put butt plugs into the equation & other fun toys. Your basic dildo is a good way to stretch out a rookie ringpiece because it has no ridges or things to trigger a cut.
PROM NIGHT
Don’t get too excited, you fuckers. You’re not there yet. Lube the shit out of her ass & your dink and place your dink’s face right at the anus. Then go, “It’s going to go in your ass.” Make doubly sure it’s lined up and say, “Push back.” Unless you’re a 14yr old on Viagra, things may get a bit bendy here. Hold your dick solid by grabbing it just behind the head the way you would a deadly snake.
It’s important that she relaxes & doesn’t freak out or it’s going to hurt & then you’re back to step 1 again. 1 good way to keep it sexual & relaxed is to be rubbing her pussy as she pushes back on it and even throw in some gentle verbal coaxing.
If she’s not into it or it hurts too much, give up & try again in 3 days. Don’t worry, it’s not over. If you’re really eager to try again you can put it back there just as you cum (assuming you take the condom off like I know you do you dirty bastard) & all the lube of blowing your load will sloop it in. Not exactly a reaming but it’s a good 1st try.
YOU’RE IN
Once you get it all the way in & there’s no cuts or damage, start going at it at a reasonable pace right away. If you’re too slow it’s going to hurt her more so get that bad part out of the way ASAP.
THE WORD
After the “no cutting it” rule the 2nd heaviest piece of info about anal sex is a magical & totally unique sound she makes that tells you you’ve made it. It’s a word that means you have stuck your flagpole at the top of Anal Mountain &, more importantly, will be invited back again.
The word is a magical 4 letter word that sounds like “ungh” but is not to be confused with “uh” or “unh.” “Ungh” is a deep throated “uuunnngh” that sounds like the person saying it is not the person saying it. Like a demonic possession made her roll her eyes back into her head & replaced her voice with Barry White getting kicked in the stomach. Seriously, it’s almost scary. It’s so Exorcist guttural you expect her head to rotate 360º and projectile vomit to blast into your face followed by the words “mea culpa lorem ipsum nosferatu.”
SURVIVING THE UNGH
Don’t get too proud of yourself, partner. You may have made it but now it’s time to run with the ball like Satan would want you to. Keep rubbing that pussy & up the ante with a bit of dirty talk. Getting her to say “You are fucking me in my ass” is really good for some reason & of course “I love your cock in my ass” is great too.
POST COITAL
After you cum, take the condom off & throw it away in case there’s poo on it. If you weren’t wearing a condom then go pee & wash your dink.
Now that it’s over let’s have a bit of affection. While your knob throbs down to its original size & jiz seeps out of her ass show her that Dr. Jekyll is back and he still has a huge crush on her. Try spooning her and singing the following:
“Snuggle frog, snuggle frog, I love you. I got a snuggle frog, how about you?”
Now sleep.
LEMME HEAR YOU SAY “UNGH” by Vice mag.
Once, while having sex with my militant feminist girlfriend, a phrase slipped out of my mouth. We were in that primal mode in autopilot when things come out like “do it, fucker.” This time, however, out of nowhere I go, “I love hurting you.”
Instead of getting angry or disturbed she said, “I love it when you hurt me.”
That was the 1st time I totally understood what it’s all about. Love hurts & sex is hostile. In a time when everything is about egalitarianism and feeling good we are forgetting the merits of pain. What about the joy of dirty smells and helplessness? The joy of taking over someone’s body like a snake with a frog in its mouth? I love that shit.
So without further ado, here is the guide to the only sexual taboo left: getting reamed up the cake.
FAGS GO HOME
This article is not for fags. Telling fags how to have anal is like telling Mexicans how to breed. Fags are so over it they could wake up in a sea of blood & poo & say, “That didn’t work out so well. Let’s go get some amyl nitrate & try it again.” They are the masters & have all kinds of great tips on how to use drugs but, I don’t know, that’s just not the hetero way.
This guide is for heteros who want to put the boy’s dink in the girl’s bum.
GIRLS NOT DOWN WITH THE BROWN
Not all ladies are potential sodomites. Maybe she was raped in the bum at 14. Maybe she grew up with a lot of homophob brothers & believes that “anuses are for fags.” Or, maybe she’s just not built for it. You know, the same way old men can’t do gymnastics and 13yr old girls are notoriously bad lieutenants.
The “no way in hell” girls have 2 distinct characteristics. 1 They hate bands with female singers 2 They shake their heads when you ask them if they liked the 1st try & say, “It felt like I had to go poo.” If your girl is like this stop reading now & try to get over it.
GIRLS DOWN WITH THE BROWN
There are many types of ladies that are perfect for sodomy. 1st generation immigrants are great because, after being bombarded with all kinds of new experiences (baseball, MTV, spaceship cars) she's ready to try anything. Virgins are good too. They just figured out how to work their vagina so adding another 1 isn’t so absurd. It’s like someone coming over with an extra cup when you’re doing the dishes. You’re just like, “Oh that too? Okay.” The ultimate catch as far as willingness goes would have to be Catholic girls. Thanks to oppressive dads insisting their hymen stays intact, every other orifice gets a rigorous workout before graduation. In fact, 9 times out of 10 it’s the Catholic girl that introduces it to the boy. “You don’t need a condom,” she’ll say. “We can bungi,” (that’s their special word for it) & then that spoiled little boy is ruined forever.
Odds are you’re in a relationship with someone in between. She’s not totally against or totally into it. If so, you should be reading this, which you are, so, good.
GOOD PAIN VS BAD PAIN
Before you start hurting someone, let’s make it clear what kind of pain we're talking about. There is good pain & bad pain. Good pain is dull & all-consuming & bad pain is sharp & very localized. If you’ve ever put a girl’s legs behind her head & had your boner ram her cervix during sex that’s what bad pain is like. You can tell because she gets up fast like your dink’s an electric eel & it makes her so mad the lay is usually over. A well-lubed, slow & careful intrusion is a good pain, like being sat on by a fat person you love. The bad pain of an unlubed & rushed anal intrusion cuts her ass, pisses her off, & kills the whole thing forever.
GETTING IN THE DOOR
She won’t like anal until her 17th time. It’s an acquired taste. But you have to get her to want to go through that good pain. To get that response, you must employ the “Pavlov’s Dog” technique. When you’re eating her out, occasionally touch around the asshole. Give it small and swirling “hellos” like if you were trying to pet a newborn squirrel without scaring it too much. It’s best to try this when she’s totally horned up out of her mind & plastered. If you take it slow, easy & smart you’re looking at a total time of 5 months. Don’t be afraid to lick it. Salad tossing is not gross with women because they shit roses. Put your finger in there & smell. See? Roses.
After you’ve got through the taboo front gate you can start being more friendly with the baby squirrel.
EMERGENCY RESCUE
If things are going too slow you should skip to the “Turning Him Over” sidebar and have her try it on you. Once you’ve gone through it her curiosity is awoken. She’ll be like, “Didn’t it feel like you had to go poo?” & you say, “No, I loved it.” Then she’ll be like, “Really?”
Nice save.
THE BROWN CAVE
After massaging becomes totally commonplace you can inject a well lubed pinkie in there when she’s cumming. This is called the Trojan Pinkie Pavlov Horse, or “TPPH” for short (pronounce by making a fart sound).
You are going to notice some weird things in there. 1st there’s a lot more room than you expected. Once you get past the bouncers, it’s a roomy club. That’s why butt plugs are cinched where the anus goes but are all big where the rectum is. You may also notice a very prominent pulsating vein. I have no idea what the fuck that is. Probably a good way to check someone’s pulse if they have fat wrists because the thing is like “bong, bong, bong.” Don’t worry about the vein.
The 3rd thing you may or may not notice is a little soft finger poking back at you like a squishy little Turkish ET. That is a piece of poo. Don’t tell her you felt that or she’ll be all grossed out. Just treat it like a pussy fart & pretend it never happened. Incidentally, the poo finger means you are going to get some shit on your cock. You’re probably wearing a condom anyway but if you aren’t, get to the bathroom the second you are done. DO NOT PASS OUT! Waking up hungover with a shit-encrusted foreskin is a dangerous way to hit the showers. The hot water reactivates the stench & your already delicate stomach will kick food out of your body like a shovel throwing dirt.
THE 2ND DINK
Once she’s kind of into finger cameos, start incorporating the lubed finger during fucking. Now you can start going from pinkies to index to a thumb. Then maybe even 2 fingers. You are at the point now where the anus has become a baby vagina.
Now she actually looks forward to her daily anal penetration. Don’t underestimate how far you’ve come. This is as exciting as the 1st time you got a girl’s pants off & was able to finger her properly. If things keep going this well she may eventually learn to cum from it.
Just kidding—only God gets that.
TOY TOWN
Before moving on to Dinktown you can put butt plugs into the equation & other fun toys. Your basic dildo is a good way to stretch out a rookie ringpiece because it has no ridges or things to trigger a cut.
PROM NIGHT
Don’t get too excited, you fuckers. You’re not there yet. Lube the shit out of her ass & your dink and place your dink’s face right at the anus. Then go, “It’s going to go in your ass.” Make doubly sure it’s lined up and say, “Push back.” Unless you’re a 14yr old on Viagra, things may get a bit bendy here. Hold your dick solid by grabbing it just behind the head the way you would a deadly snake.
It’s important that she relaxes & doesn’t freak out or it’s going to hurt & then you’re back to step 1 again. 1 good way to keep it sexual & relaxed is to be rubbing her pussy as she pushes back on it and even throw in some gentle verbal coaxing.
If she’s not into it or it hurts too much, give up & try again in 3 days. Don’t worry, it’s not over. If you’re really eager to try again you can put it back there just as you cum (assuming you take the condom off like I know you do you dirty bastard) & all the lube of blowing your load will sloop it in. Not exactly a reaming but it’s a good 1st try.
YOU’RE IN
Once you get it all the way in & there’s no cuts or damage, start going at it at a reasonable pace right away. If you’re too slow it’s going to hurt her more so get that bad part out of the way ASAP.
THE WORD
After the “no cutting it” rule the 2nd heaviest piece of info about anal sex is a magical & totally unique sound she makes that tells you you’ve made it. It’s a word that means you have stuck your flagpole at the top of Anal Mountain &, more importantly, will be invited back again.
The word is a magical 4 letter word that sounds like “ungh” but is not to be confused with “uh” or “unh.” “Ungh” is a deep throated “uuunnngh” that sounds like the person saying it is not the person saying it. Like a demonic possession made her roll her eyes back into her head & replaced her voice with Barry White getting kicked in the stomach. Seriously, it’s almost scary. It’s so Exorcist guttural you expect her head to rotate 360º and projectile vomit to blast into your face followed by the words “mea culpa lorem ipsum nosferatu.”
SURVIVING THE UNGH
Don’t get too proud of yourself, partner. You may have made it but now it’s time to run with the ball like Satan would want you to. Keep rubbing that pussy & up the ante with a bit of dirty talk. Getting her to say “You are fucking me in my ass” is really good for some reason & of course “I love your cock in my ass” is great too.
POST COITAL
After you cum, take the condom off & throw it away in case there’s poo on it. If you weren’t wearing a condom then go pee & wash your dink.
Now that it’s over let’s have a bit of affection. While your knob throbs down to its original size & jiz seeps out of her ass show her that Dr. Jekyll is back and he still has a huge crush on her. Try spooning her and singing the following:
“Snuggle frog, snuggle frog, I love you. I got a snuggle frog, how about you?”
Now sleep.
