Having concluded our mission on Paradise 7, we have begun our long trek towards the neon cluster, home of the not-so-bright Rap-Scallions. While our universal translators will likely short-circuit during negotiations, we have implemented a backup solution which will involve the use of Bob Marley's greatest hits, coercive red-hot pokers, and a nude photographs of Golda Mier.
Troll Kingdom
This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
Captain's log, stardate 984309876512057362507629.1
- Thread starter Tyrant
- Start date
stardate 984309876512057362507629.2
Our diplomatic intermezzo proved to be a disaster. Not only have the Rap-Scallions declined trade with the Confederacy, but worse, they have declared war on us! While their shrimp-class vessels prove no threat to our Galaxyquest class Star-demolishenators and their soon-to-be installed tartar sauce torpedo bays, we will not be able to attain the much needed fuel for the neutrino flux-transistors. This will set back our Pepsi Quandrant campaign minutes, if not hours.
Our diplomatic intermezzo proved to be a disaster. Not only have the Rap-Scallions declined trade with the Confederacy, but worse, they have declared war on us! While their shrimp-class vessels prove no threat to our Galaxyquest class Star-demolishenators and their soon-to-be installed tartar sauce torpedo bays, we will not be able to attain the much needed fuel for the neutrino flux-transistors. This will set back our Pepsi Quandrant campaign minutes, if not hours.
stardate 984309876512057362507629.3
Thanks to our massive pwnage of the Rap-Scallion fleet, the Confederecy has been supplied with a great tonnage of prime and oh-so-hard to replicate interstellar seafood for trade with the mindless, and equally vile, Jackgoblins, which populate the Jooga Cloud in the Mountain Piss sector. Although many an ambassador has been raped and eaten by them, this captain is certain to prevail in negotions after having been told their weakness by the wizened prophets of Sarcastica: Mindful Posting.
Thanks to our massive pwnage of the Rap-Scallion fleet, the Confederecy has been supplied with a great tonnage of prime and oh-so-hard to replicate interstellar seafood for trade with the mindless, and equally vile, Jackgoblins, which populate the Jooga Cloud in the Mountain Piss sector. Although many an ambassador has been raped and eaten by them, this captain is certain to prevail in negotions after having been told their weakness by the wizened prophets of Sarcastica: Mindful Posting.
stardate 984309876512057362507629.4
Though we managed to procure an entire flask of Let's-get-naked serum from the Jackgoblins in exchange for 120 tonnes of Rap-Scallion ensign (We chose to put them down before the exchange, as giving them to the Jackgoblins live would inhumane), it was at a greater cost than many of us imagined. 5 of our security officers have gone missing and 2 have experienced a nervous breakdown after being molested by the Jackgoblin ambassador in a most grisly and unspeakable manner. After the exchange, we repayed them in kind by launching Geedis missiles at their homeworld, which shall now remain forever frozen in a state of mutual feces hurling and ankle-biting.
We have set course back into Confederacy space in hopes of putting the serum we pried from their greedy claws to good use. Namely, distributing it to VIPs attending the Miss Space-time Continuum contest in return for military secrets and Superman issue #1.
Though we managed to procure an entire flask of Let's-get-naked serum from the Jackgoblins in exchange for 120 tonnes of Rap-Scallion ensign (We chose to put them down before the exchange, as giving them to the Jackgoblins live would inhumane), it was at a greater cost than many of us imagined. 5 of our security officers have gone missing and 2 have experienced a nervous breakdown after being molested by the Jackgoblin ambassador in a most grisly and unspeakable manner. After the exchange, we repayed them in kind by launching Geedis missiles at their homeworld, which shall now remain forever frozen in a state of mutual feces hurling and ankle-biting.
We have set course back into Confederacy space in hopes of putting the serum we pried from their greedy claws to good use. Namely, distributing it to VIPs attending the Miss Space-time Continuum contest in return for military secrets and Superman issue #1.
stardate 984309876512057362507629.5
This is a distress signal being sent to Nivea 4.....I, and what remains of a young, nubile ensign, have found ourselves stranded on a strange moon-planet just outside the strawberry rim......it's probably not the best time to be drunk.....
In case I don't make it, I have hidden this copy of Superman #1 underneath this here rock. The centipede lifeforms here are attracted to it. I fear that letting them get there hands on it would spur a cultural revolution in their society, in violation of the Prime Dictation.
It's peaceful here......tell my wife...... she's a whore, and that she'll never get her hands on my Rowan Atkinson DVD collection.
Captain out.
This is a distress signal being sent to Nivea 4.....I, and what remains of a young, nubile ensign, have found ourselves stranded on a strange moon-planet just outside the strawberry rim......it's probably not the best time to be drunk.....
In case I don't make it, I have hidden this copy of Superman #1 underneath this here rock. The centipede lifeforms here are attracted to it. I fear that letting them get there hands on it would spur a cultural revolution in their society, in violation of the Prime Dictation.
It's peaceful here......tell my wife...... she's a whore, and that she'll never get her hands on my Rowan Atkinson DVD collection.
Captain out.
stardate 984309876512057362507629.6
I have been rescued. Thank heavens for the interstellar brothership which happened to be in the vicinity!
Although this captain would have preffered to have been rescued by a flying whorehouse populated with females, beggars and captains cannot be choosers. I did not particularly care for the way some of the taller ones had eyed me, and had to employ a quick throat jab and eye-gouging technique taught to me by The Mentalistic One, who resides at the summit of the tallest peak of the smallest asteroid, to make an example out of one of them.
After sending my condolences to his pimp, I managed to access a secure terminal from which to recieve further instructions from Grand-Admiral Fartek, who had only recently attainted the position of Grand-Admiral after many.... distasteful favours too low-brow to mention in this log.
It seems that the Confederacy has great plans for this issue of Superman #1. It was hinted that its power could be used to fuel some sort of all-in-one revolutionary energy reactor, dishwashing machine, and Doomsday weapon.
I am sure the Confederacy engineers will find a way to unleash its full dishwashing and easybake oven potential. I should arrive in our space within a few minutes or years, depending on the subatomic fluctuations in this particular sectioning of the quadrant's main quantum manifolding gravity fountain.
In the meantime, I shall entertain myself with reruns of Eureka's Castle and David the Gnome.
I have been rescued. Thank heavens for the interstellar brothership which happened to be in the vicinity!
Although this captain would have preffered to have been rescued by a flying whorehouse populated with females, beggars and captains cannot be choosers. I did not particularly care for the way some of the taller ones had eyed me, and had to employ a quick throat jab and eye-gouging technique taught to me by The Mentalistic One, who resides at the summit of the tallest peak of the smallest asteroid, to make an example out of one of them.
After sending my condolences to his pimp, I managed to access a secure terminal from which to recieve further instructions from Grand-Admiral Fartek, who had only recently attainted the position of Grand-Admiral after many.... distasteful favours too low-brow to mention in this log.
It seems that the Confederacy has great plans for this issue of Superman #1. It was hinted that its power could be used to fuel some sort of all-in-one revolutionary energy reactor, dishwashing machine, and Doomsday weapon.
I am sure the Confederacy engineers will find a way to unleash its full dishwashing and easybake oven potential. I should arrive in our space within a few minutes or years, depending on the subatomic fluctuations in this particular sectioning of the quadrant's main quantum manifolding gravity fountain.
In the meantime, I shall entertain myself with reruns of Eureka's Castle and David the Gnome.
