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Cat Cleaners season 5

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(Jock, DJ and Lucy are at the AIRPORT. Studio audience CHEER THEM and this EXCITING NEW LOCATION! Jock has a huge suitcase on wheels. This will be important later.)

Jock: Well, here we are at the airport!

Lucy: I can't believe your aunt Pippa is flying us over to England to open a Cat Cleaners franchise there! That's totes amazeballs!

(Studio audience cheer Lucy who has finally found acceptance by using the right lingo.)

Jock: Especially since Cat Claners is losing so much money that I've had to pimp myself out to rich old ladies!

(Studio audience laugh and whistle.)

DJ: Man, I can't wait to get to England! Oh, sure, they all have ugly teeth and pale skin, but them girls are EASY, man! They don't even belive in God over there, they have no reason not to slut around! Maybe I'll find that Kate Middleton and put another baby in her belly YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'!

(Studio audience cheer DJ's misogyny.)

Lucy: Men! That's all you think about! Hang on, WHO'S THAT?!

(Lucy is staring at the ass of a MYSERIOUS HANDSOME MAN who is walking through the airport.)

Jock: You like him? PFFFT!

Lucy: He's giving me THE FEELS!

(Studio audience stand up and applaud Lucy as this is a saying they've all heard on TUMBLR.)

Jock: Ah, feel yourself.

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: I think SOMEONE'S a little jealous!

Jock: Hey, I know Lucy's had her problems, but I'm sure she's not jealous of MY SUCCESS. Now come on, help me pick up this HUGE SUITCASE ON WHEELS so it can be x-rayed.

DJ: Damn dawg, this thing IS huge. What you got in there?

Jock: Well, lots of CANNED CHEESE for a start! In case they don't have the type I like in England!

DJ: Good move!

Jock: And also my NINTENDO WII U! I don't know if they have them in England!

DJ: Probably not! THE QUEEN probably banned them for being TOO MUCH FUN!

(Studio audience cheer this product placement. Jock and DJ struggle to pick up the HUGE SUITCASE.)

Jock: This is heavy! I wish THE CHAMP and UNCLE MAC were here to help us lift it!

DJ: Well they're not! They're back at CAT CLEANERS manning the shop!

Jock: Hey, where's Lucy?

DJ: Damn, she's gone over to that HANDSOME MAN!

Jock: Damn it! I need to stop her!

(BUT BEFORE HE CAN the man manning the xray machine PULLS ON A MASK and PULLS OUT A GUN!)

Terrorist: Okay! Everyone DO WHAT I SAY and NOBODY gets hurt! I'M HIJACKING THIS AIRPORT!

DJ: You and what army, PAL?

(TEN MORE TERRORISTS come running in making TERRORIST NOISES!)

DJ: Eek!

(INSIDE THE X-RAY MACHINE WHICH ISN'T SWITCHED ON SO YOU CAN'T SEE AN X-RAY OF THIS Jock's huge suitcase OPENS UP! UNCLE MAC and THE CHAMP come out!)

The Champ: Damn it! We tried to SMUGGLE OURSELVES TO ENGLAND and now the airport's being hijacked!

Uncle Mac: Don't worry, my friend. Nobody knows we're here. That gives us a tactical advantage.

The Champ: To do what?

Uncle Mac: To KILL all these terrorists without being spotted! It'll be like Die Hard...IN AN AIRPORT!

(Studio audience explode but not in a terrorist way!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I once knew a woman from South Carolina who nearly had a breakdown when she found out you can't get pimento cheese in New England.
 
(Lucy is with the MYSTERIOUS HANDSOME MAN when the terrorists come in.)

Lucy: Aaaah, terrorists!

(She jumps into the handsome man's arms!)

Handsome Man: You don't feel very terrorisedified!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: Haha, that funny word you said made me feel better.

Terrorist: STOP FLIRTING, YOU TWO. This airport belongs to US now. WE DO NOT TOLERATE FLIRTING.

(Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: Who are you anyway? I don't even know your name!

Handsome Man: My name is being Thomas thank you.

(Studio audience laugh. He's foreign!)

Lucy: Wow! You're like French or something!

Thomas: I am being Eastern Eurorpean from Eastern Europe. I come to your great country with dreams of becoming a rockstar. I badass on guitar! But I denied entry to your great country because my country was invaded by the communists! Now I can't go home and can't enter your great country so I am being living here in the airport for TEN YEARS.

(Studio audience applaud.)

Terrorist: What part of SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE do you not understand?

Thomas: None of it I am being foreign and don't understand what you mean by cakehole!

(Studio audience laugh. The terrorist HITS THOMAS WITH A SOCK FULL OF PENNIES knocking him out. Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: Who can save us from these terrorists!

(Meanwhile Uncle Mac and The Champ are crawling through BAGGAGE CLAIM.)

The Champ: What we doing here MAN! We should just get our black asses out of here, call the cops or something.

Uncle Mac: The terrorists probably have it rigged so that anyone who leaves the airport explodes! But don't worry...I think I've found what we need...

(He opens a suticase with a BIG AMERICA FLAG on it. Inside are LOTS OF GUNS.)

The Champ: Now that's what I'm talking about!

Uncle Mac: Finally I'll have revenge for what they did to me in that Japanese prisoner of war camp..

The Champ: Uhh, I don't think these guys are Japanese, Uncle Mac.

Uncle Mac: They will be when I'm finished with them!

(Studio audience cheer.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are being held at GUNPOINT by the x-ray man who is actually the HEAD TERRORIST.)

Jock: We're not scared of you!

DJ: Just of your gun!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Head Terrorist: Put those two guys in a room and STAND GUARD OVER THEM! They look like they could spoil our terrorist plans!

Terrorist Underling: Yes sir!

(He moves Jock and DJ towards a room. A HOT GIRL starts crying.)

Head Terrorist: And put her in there too, maybe it will shut her up!

(Studio audience boo. Jock, DJ and Hot Girl are thrown into a room with TERRORIST UNDERLING standing guard.)

Hot Girl: I'm so scared!

DJ: Maybe if we cuddle up you'll feel better.

Hot Girl: How will that help me stop being scared of the terrorists with guns?

DJ: They always shoot the black guy first, you can use me as a human shield!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: What's your name? I'm Jock and this is DJ.

Mary: It's Mary. I was going to England to become a SUPER MODEL. They have a shortage over there.

DJ: Because of their BAD TEETH!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: DJ and I are flying over to England to open a Cat Cleaner's franchise.

Mary: Oh, that's...what...

DJ: I wish the cops would get here and stop these terrorists! What do they want anyway? For us to praise Allah? THEY CAN PRAISE MY ASS!

(Studio audience cheer and chant "USA!")

Mary: They're not Muslims you idiot...I mean, that's what one said to me. "I'm not a Muslim, you idiot."

Jock: I hope they're not buddhists!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Mary: Yeah...I need to pee. Where's the restroom?

DJ: Pee into this!

(He cups his hands. Studio audience explode.)

Mary: I think that unmarked door must be one...

(She goes behind the unmarked door.)

Jock: Man, she's totally into me!

DJ: No way! She likes me!

Jock: Okay then, how about A CONTEST to see who can get busy with her in the unmarked room?

DJ: You're on!

Jock: This terrorist hijack isn't so bad afterall!

(MEANWHILE in the unmarked room Mary is talking on A CELL PHONE.)

Mary: Yes MASTER everything is going according to plan...they don't suspect a thing, no...just two retards who clean cats...I think they're probably GAY...yes...but are you sure we have to blow the whole airport up? Are you sure it's the only way? Yes...I understand.

(Studio audience OOOOOOH.)
 
(Lucy is NURSING to Thomas in a corner of the airport as a terrorist stands guard.)

Terrorist: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Lucy: Making sure he's okay! You hit him really hard with that sock full of pennies!

Terrorist: Just be glad they weren't dimes!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: He needs TENDING TO.

(She TENDS TO HIM with a WET CLOTH to the FOREHEAD.)

Terrorist: Okay, just don't start sucking him off or something!

Lucy: I wasn't even thinking of it!

(Lucy gives a disappointed look to the camera which shows she definitely WAS thinking about it! Studio audience explode.)

Terrorist: I can't wait until this is over and you people see what we're REALLY here for...

Lucy: Why ARE you really here?

Terrorist: You couldn't possibly understand you SHEEP.

Lucy: Hey, I'm very sympathetic to just causes! I was part of the OCCUPY movement!

(Studio audience boo.)

Terrorist: Oh yeah? What did you occupy?

Lucy: The parrot shop! They were treating those parrots horribly!

(Studio audience laugh. Lucy has won them back round!)

Terrorist: Well, maybe you WOULD understand then. You see...

(But SUDDENLY Uncle Mac and The Champ JUMP OUT of an AIR VENT above the terrorist, SQAUSHING HIM. Studio audience cheer!)

Uncle Mac: Lucy! That was lucky!

Lucy: You were looking for me?

Uncle Mac: No we were just sqaushing terrorists!

The Champ: But hey, we did save your skinny white ass, so let's get out of here!

Lucy: Wait! I can't leave Thomas! He's handsome!

Thomas: Lucy...go...leave me...

Lucy: Oh, okay then.

(Studio audience laugh. Lucy climbs into the air vent with Uncle Mac and The Champ.)

Lucy: So what's the plan? Get out of here and phone and the police?

The Champ: Nah, Uncle Mac thinks the airport will explode if we leave.

Lucy: That seems unlikely...

Uncle Mac: We can't take the chance, damn it! But don't worry! We've got our own way to take care of the terrorists!

(He opens up the bag containing the GUNS.)

Uncle Mac: WITH BULLETS!

Lucy: Guns!? No! I'm AGAINST guns.

(Studio audience boo.)

The Champ: Desperate times, biatch!

(He throws a gun to Lucy. She catches it.)

Lucy: I don't even know how to fire this...hang on. This gun's made out of cholcate!

(The Champ checks.)

The Champ: She's right! They all are! This big must have belonged to a maker of choclate firearms!

Lucy: How could you not tell!?

The Champ: Oh you think because I'm BLACK I know everything about guns?!

Lucy: Well even I know they're not made out of choclate!

The Champ: Uncle Mac was the one who found them, how come you didn't know, man? You fought in a war!

Uncle Mac: TEN WARS, actually. But I never killed anyone with guns. Oh no. I killed people with my bare hands. Every last one of them. Nine hundred in all, over ten wars. An average of ninety a war. I remember them all. Not their faces, oh no. I don't remember what they looked like. I remember how they felt, in my hands. I remember enjoying it...and the shame afterwards. You can never wash the blood out, kids. Sure, you think it's gone. But it never is. I can still see it now...

(He stares at his hands in a trance as Lucy and The Champ look awkward.)

The Champ: Damn, the guns are starting to melt!

(Studio audience laugh.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Mary comes back.)

Jock: DId you have a good poo? PEE! Sorry, I meant a good pee. That would have been rude if I'd asked you about your poo. I'm such an idiot!

DJ: You know who's not an idiot? Me!

Mary: Haha, it's okay. Hey, you think we could get out of here? I'd quite like to maybe plant some explosives around this airport.

(Jock and DJ look at each other.)

Mary: Just kidding!

Jock: Hahaha, good joke!

DJ: You really had us there!

Mary: I really would like to go for a walk though...

Jock: But, umm, there's a terrorist standing guard.

DJ: Yeah, how can we get by him?

Mary: One of you will have to pretend to be ill!

Jock: But I feel fine.

(DJ punches him in the stomach.)

Jock: Ouch, my stomach hurts!

DJ: Probably solved! GUARD, GUARD!

(Terrorist underling comes in.)

Terrorist Underling: WHAT'S WRONG?

DJ: My friend's stomach really hurts, I think he has EXPLODING DIARRHEA!

TU: I don't care, I'm a terrorist!

(Mary KARATE KICKS the terrorist unconscious.)

DJ: Wow! Where did you learn to do that?

Mary: Uhh...the Karate Kid!

DJ: My favourite movie! I love Will Smith's son!

Mary: NO, THE ORIGINAL.

DJ: Oh...

Jock: I...loved...the...original...

(DJ kicks him in the stomach again.)

Jock: What was that for!

DJ: Uhh, I thought the terrorist was waking up!

TO BE CONTINUED UNLESS IT'S CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF KARMA
 
(Lucy, The Champ and Uncle Mac are still hiding in the vents.)

Lucy: What are we going to do now!

The Champ(eating a choclate gun): Search me!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Uncle Mac: Maybe it's time these hands saw action again...

(He stares at his hands in a trance, a smile coming over his face.)

Lucy: Look, why do we have to kill them? We could just talk to the terrorist, find out what they want, maybe come to a deal...

Uncle Mac: UNCLE MAC DOES NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!

(He PUNCHES the side of the vent and the whole section the three are in FALLS to the floor, LANDING on another THREE TERRORISTS, crushing them! Studio audience give a five minute standing ovation.)

Lucy: Oh no! Those poor terrorists!

The Champ: Never mind them, all my choclate guns broke in the fall!

Uncle Mac: Come on, kids! We have the element of surprise now. IT'S STRANGLIN' TIME!

(He runs off holding his hands out in front of him in a strangling position as the studio audience cheer. The Champ shrugs and starts to go after him.)

Lucy: Wait, The Champ, we have to see if Thomas is okay! He got hit hard.

The Champ: Yeah, not as hard as I used to get hit by them white boys they were always putting up against me! But I knocked them all out, POW!

(He throws a punch in the air but it hits A TERRORIST who was running towards them! More are coming!)

Lucy: Quick, in that room!

(They run into the room where Lucy and Thomas were, but Thomas is gone.)

Lucy: He's gone! But where!?

The Champ: At least you know he ain't dead. Unless they ate his body!

(Someone BANGS on the door.)

Lucy: It's the terrorists! Let's try to be reasonable...

The Champ: We just squashed three of them and I punced another into a coma probably! They'll kill us...UNLESS WE KILL THEM FIRST!

(The Champ grabs a LEAD PIPE that is lying on the ground for some reason and waves it. The door BURSTS open...and Jock, DJ and Mary run in!)

Lucy: It's you guys!

Jock: It's you guys!

(The Champ hits Jock in the stomach with the pipe.)

Jock: Oww!

The Champ: I'd already started swinging!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(DJ, Lucy, The Champ and Mary are standing. Jock is doubled over in pain.)

Jock: Will it ever end...

(The Champ punches him in the face, straightening him up! Studio audience wooo.)

Jock: OWW! WHY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

The Champ: Sometime when I was boxing and I got hit in the stomach the only thing that got rid of the pain was getting hit in the face!

Jock: But now my face hurts more!

The Champ: At least your stomach hurts less!

(Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: So what are we going to do now?

Lucy: We should just hide in here until the police arrive.

Mary: NO. NOT THAT.

Lucy: Who are you to order ME around, SISTER? Who are you anyway?

DJ: Oh, this is Mary. Jock has the hots for her but he's got no chance!

Jock: Hey! I've got a chance! Right?

Mary: No, not really.

Jock: Oh...

(Studio audience awww.)

Mary: Look, I just think we should try to help the people of this airport.

Lucy: Well, I guess we have squashed quite a few of the terrorists ON ACCIDENT. And The Champ does have that lead pipe.

The Champ: And it's thirsty for blood!

(Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: YEAH! And I know kung fu thanks to THE KARATE KID! The original one, Mary.

Mary: Oh yeah? Who starred in it?

DJ: Uh...Will Smith's dad?

(Studio audience explode.)

Mary: Go to Hell.

The Champ: Better yet, let's send those terrorists to Hell!

(He charges out with his lead pipe. DJ follows.)

Jock: Yeah...let's kick their...butts...

(Jock struggles after them, obviously is great pain.)

Lucy: Well, maybe you're not so bad after all, Mary. Let's go!

Mary: Uhh, I just have to pee in the corner...

(Lucy starts to leave as Mary goes into the corner. Mary takes a BOMB out from under her skirt and plants it.)

Mary: For the GREATER GOOD.

(Lucy looks back in.)

Lucy: Did you say something?

Mary: NO. Just PEEING NOISES.

Lucy: Hey, what's that weird object?

Mary: NOTHING. STOP PERVING ON MY, LESBIGAY!

(Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: Okay...

(Lucy runs over to Jock.)

Lucy: I don't think we can trust that Mary!

Jock: Oh Lucy, I know you're still in love with me, but you have to get over your jealousy!

Lucy: But I think she had a bomb!

Jock: The only bomb she has...is herself...in that she...is a SEXBOMB!

(Studio audience cheer. Lucy slaps him.)

Lucy: That didn't even make sense!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Jock: Stop hitting me! Everyone's hitting me today!

Lucy: I'm sorry, but I saw her pull somethign out from between her legs!

Jock: Maybe she was pregnant and had just given birth!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: It was a bomb, okay, a stinking bomb!

Jock: A stinkbomb? I would have smelt it!

(Studio audience whoop in appreciation of Jock.)

Lucy: JUST HELP ME STOP HER OKAY.

Jock: Fine, but I think you've gone totes cray! But I'll keep an eye on her...

(They round a corner to find The Champ, Mary and DJ down on their knees, terrorists holding GUNS to them! Jock and Lucy jump back.)

Jock: See! If she was a bomb-planter the terrorists wouldn't be holding a gun to her, they'd be patting her sexy back! We have to save her!

Lucy: And our friends DJ and The Champ!

Jock: Sure, whatever...but how!?

Lucy: We could...use that suitcase! It's on wheels!

Jock: PERFECT!

(He ROLLS the suitcase on wheels around the corner and it IMPROBABLY bowls over all the terrorists, knocking them out. Studio audience flow flowers on stage for Jock.)

Mary: Jock! You're genius move saved me! I mean, us.

Lucy: Hey, I thought of it.

DJ: Yeah, women are great at thinking of things...but it takes a MAN to get things DONE, you know what I'm sayin'!

(DJ and The Champ high five as the studio audience cheer.)

Mary: Haha, thanks...FOR MAKING MY JOB EASIER.

(Mary picks up a TERRORIST GUN and points it at Jock. Studio audience gasp.)

Lucy: I told you!

Mary: PIPE DOWN, PIPEY.

(She shoots Lucy in the foot.)

Lucy: OWW!

Jock: No! I can't believe it! You're a terrorist!?

DJ: Our bet is ruined!

Mary: You two PIGS had a bet about bedding me, didn't you? MEN! I'm HAPPY that at least fifty percent of the people I kill by blowing up this airport will be male!

The Champ: IF you're a terrorist, why did you help us?

Mary: A means to an end! You FOOLS still think I'm a terrorist? I'm not! I'm an ANTI-TERRORIST. I have been on the trail of this terrorist cell for TEN YEARS. Finally I have them all in one place. Finally I can blow up this airport FOR THE GREATER GOOD and end this terrorist threat!

Jock: But there's innocent people in this airport, people who have commited no crimes! And The Champ!

The Champ: And me!

Mary: IT'LL BE WORTH IT. You don't know how long I've waited for this moment.

DJ: You'll die too you crazy biotch!

Mary: I'm wearing hot body armour!

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: This is it! Lucy...I just want to say...I...I always loved...

Lucy: Jock...I loved...THOMAS!

Jock: Thomas!?

Mary: THOMAS!?

(THOMAS has just appeared.)

Thomas: I am being here to save the day!

Mary: DIE!

(She shoots at him but Thomas ducks back to avoid the bullet like NEO and kicks her in the face!)

Thomas: I am being having saved the day!

Lucy: Swoon!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Lucy: See? SEE! See, Jock? YOU trusted that awful Mary because of your MALE SEXUAL DRIVES but I trusted Thomas because of his PURE HEART and I was right! ME! Lucy! Hashtag Team Lucy!

(Lucy does the Lucy Dance as the studio audience groan.)

Thomas: You very sexy dancer.

Lucy: Thank you!

(Lucy runs over and starts MAKING OUT with Thomas. Jock looks sad.)

Jock: I can't believe it, Mary was evil.

DJ: Well, she did want to blow this place up for the greater good. So maybe it would be okay to have sex with her?

(Jock looks at Mary's unconscious body.)

Jock: Not with everyone watching!

(Studio audience laugh at this rape joke.)

The Champ: Where'd you come from anyway, Thomas, you foreigner? Thought you was hurtin'!

Lucy: He recovered SUPER FAST motivated by his love for me!

Thomas: Haha, not quite...

(TEN TERRORISTS with MACHINE GUNS run around the corner and point their guns at our heroes.)

Lucy: Oh no!

The Champ: I knew I'd die like this!

Thomas: Stand down, men.

(The ten terrorists LOWER their weapons. Stuido audience oooooh.)

Lucy: What!? WHAT!

Jock: Haha! Your boyfriend's a terrorst! You're just as stupid as me!

Lucy: No! Say it ain't so!

Thomas: I'm afraid it...what's the opposite of ain't?

Lucy: Is.

Thomas: I'm afraid it IS so! That's right, I'm the leader of this terrorist organisation! MY COMMUNIST COMRADE and I have taken over this airport.

(Studio audience boo and throw garbage at the communist scum. This is America!)

Lucy: But I saw you get hit by a sock full of pennis!

Thomas: It was actually an EMPTY SOCK.

DJ: The oldest trick in the book!

Lucy: But why! You said you stayed here because of the communists invading your country!

Thomas: Yes, the RIVAL communists. I am a TRUE COMMUNIST. The PUSSY communists who invaded my country were not worthy of calling themselves communists! So I stayed here and became OBSESSED with this airport. I decided to turn it into an EFFECIENT COMMUNIST AIRPOT as part of my evil plan! I recruited many people who were wronged by this airport to my side.

Terrorist: They lost my luggage!

Thomas: Like him! And now...I'm afraid...it is being time for the KILLING of all of you..unless you JOIN ME.

Jock: Never!

DJ: No way!

The Champ: Better dead than red!

Lucy: I...I'm sorry. But I'm AN AMERICAN!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Thomas: Then die as an American.

Jock: There must be some way out of this!

Thomas: What, your trick with the wheeled suitcase? Ha! That was very impressive, don't get me wrong. But his is the only wheeled suitcase in the airport and you've already used it!

(He pats the wheeled suitcase which is sitting in front of him. But suddenly it BURSTS OPEN and Uncle Mac jumps out! He was in there all along! He grabs Thomas around the neck with his killing hands.)

Uncle Mac: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S MACKY!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Uncle Mac chokes Thomas as the studio audience cheer and chant "KILL HIM, UNCLE MAC!" The remaining terrorists spring into action, trying to pull Mac off.)

DJ: Come on, let's help!

Jock: No, Mac's on our side!

DJ: I meant help Mac by stopping the terrorists!

Jock: Oh!

(Jock and DJ try to KARATE KICK the terrorists but end up falling on their backs.)

Jock and DJ: Oww, our backs!

The Champ: I'll handle this! Where's my lead pipe? Damn, I lost it! Oh well, if you want something done, do it THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.

(He pulls out a pair of boxing gloves that he had all along for some reason and puts them on and starts PUNCHING the terrorists as the studio audience cheer. Uncle Mac is still choking Thomas.)

Lucy: Uncle Mac, you have to stop, you're going to kill him!

Uncle Mac: GOOD! It's been TOO LONG since these hands have taken a life. I feel it, Lucy, the old joy I got from a kill. I'm so hard right now.

(Lucy looks at his crotch and gasps.)

Thomas: Please...to be...saving me...Lucy...

(Lucy hits Uncle Mac with a fire extinguisher, knocking him out. Studio audience boo.)

Lucy: I'm sorry, I just couldn't let Uncle Mac end a life. And his hard on was freaking me out.

Thomas: Thank you, Lucy...FOR BEING SO STUPID!

(He grabs the fire extinguisher from her.)

DJ: Look out, he's got a fire extinguisher!

Thomas: Don't try to stop me leaving or I'll use it!

(He points it in a threatening way but suddnely MARY pops up.)

Mary: JUST A MINUTE. I've been waiting for this for a long time!

Thomas: You! The rogue FBI agent who has been doggedly hunting me for ten long years!

Mary: YES. I won't let you COMMUNISE this airport! Even if it means blowing the whole place AND EVERYONE IN IT sky high!

Thomas: That level of hatred is...kind of hot...

Mary: Huh? Don't try to trick me!

Thomas: No, really, I mean it, I admire your dedication!

Mary: Well! I kind of admire YOUR dedication to communism, really. Your plans for this airport are...impressive. It would run so much better with you in command. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THIS IS AMERICA.

Thomas: Actually this airport was gifted to the nation of Commustan in 1946 by FDR!

Mary: Really?

Thomas: Maybe!

Mary: Ah, who cares! I'm sick of hunting you...when I could be HUMPING YOU!

(Mary and Thomas JUMP ON EACH OTHER AND START HAVING WILD SEX.)

Jock: Well, this is awkward.

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
(The police have arrived and cuffed Mary and Thomas. But even with their hands and feet cuffed together, they're still dry humping each other.)

The Champ: Shouldn't you stop them from doing that?

Police Officer: Nah!

The Champ: Why not?

Police Officer: Because I'm a raging pervert! PHWOAR, LOOK AT THEM DRY HUMP!

(The Champ backs away slowly.)

DJ: Hey, this was a busy airport when we came in, what happened to everyone else? How come we were the only people fighting the terrorists? And why is that chair in front of a door...

(He moves the chair from the door and finds it was locking the door. He opens the door to find A THOUSAND PEOPLE tied up inside a small room. It's everyone else who was in the airport!)

DJ: Oh, that explains that!

(Jock and Lucy are having a heart to heart.)

Jock: I can't believe it. She was so hot! But also crazy. How could I not see it?

Lucy: Hey, for all my MORAL HIGHGROUND I was just as bad. I should have seen that Thomas a was a commusocialist!

Jock: Maybe we're more alike than either of us want to admit...

Lucy: Yeah...

(They lean in to kiss each other but UNCLE MAC pops up between them somehow and they ened up kissing his cheeks. Studio audience explode.)

Uncle Mac: Lucy, I just want to thank you for stopping me from killing Thomas. If I'd killed again I never would have stopped. Thank you for help me maintain my humanity.

Lucy: You're welcome, Uncle Mac!

Police Officer: Hey, we just found seventeen terrorists strangled to death? Any of you know anything about that?

(Uncle Mac stares at his hands as Jock and Lucy look shocked.)

Police Officer: Ah, never mind, they were only terrorists! I might go molest some of their corpses...

(He walks off starting to lower his trousers as the studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Well, I guess there's nothing stopping us from going to England now!

DJ: I can't wait to meet Harry Potter!

Airport Woman: Oh, I'm afraid you won't be going to England.

The Champ: Why not, BITCH?

Airport Woman: Because the two warring terrorists planted bombs on all the planes. Between them they blew every plane up, killing thousands of passengers!

Jock: Damn it! We needed those planes!

Airport Woman: So many deaths...

Lucy: I'd like to give Mary and Thomas A PIECE OF MY MIND for ruining our fun trip to England!

Uncle Mac: You can't...

Lucy: Why not?

(Camera pans round to show Thomas and Mary's dead bodies.)

Uncle Mac: SOMEONE just strangled them both to death!

Everyone: Oh Uncle Mac!

(They all laugh for a full five minutes.)

END OF SEASON
 
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