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Cat Cleaners season 6

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(Interior: Cat Cleaners. It's just as we all remember it, with caged cats waiting to be cleaned! JOCK walks in. Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Another day another dollar!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: I wonder what kind of cat will come in today...

(DJ walks in! Studio audience laugh and cheer!)

DJ: What's happening, dogs!

Jock: DJ, don't say that word! It scares the cats!

DJ: What word...happening?

Jock: No, the OTHER word you said!

DJ: What, what's?

Jock: No, DOG, don't say DOG!

(All the cats in the cages start CRYING and miaowing with FEAR!)

DJ: You scared the cats!

Jock: Never mind that! You have to get upstairs and open the new PIZZA RESTAURANT we opened upstairs! We're the world's first Cat Cleaning and Pizza Restaurant combination!

DJ: I know all that. I've spent the last six months setting it up with you. Who are you explaining this to?

Jock: Oh, I'm sorry, it's just now that Uncle Mac has quit to join the navy and The Champ has opened up a nightclub as a front for his criminal enterprises, there's been a lot more work for the two of us and I'm stressed out!

DJ: Again with the explaining! This guy!

(Studio audience laugh as DJ pulls a goofy face.)

Jock: I just like to recap things from time to time! To help THEM keep up!

(He points out at the studio audience. They gasp.)

DJ: You mean...the cats?

Jock: Of course! Who else could I mean!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: You joker! Okay, I'll go get the pizzas ready! Look out, here comes our FIRST CUSTOMER!

(DJ darts upstairs as the door opens. But it's just LUCY! Studio audience groan.)

Jock: Lucy! You're LATE!

Lucy: How did you know!? Oh. You mean to work. Yeah. Got a problem with that?

Jock: Well, since I'm your boss, yes! Come on! It's hard around here ever since Uncle Mac answered the call of the ocean and The Champ became a stereotype!

Lucy: Oh come on, you did take on new staff...your NEW GIRLFRIEND MAGGIE.

(Studio audience woooooo.)

Jock: Hey, Maggie's a hard worker, she makes great pizza...

Lucy: Yeah, and she EATS great AMOUNTS of pizza! She's fat!

Jock: Hey, there's just more of her to love!

Lucy: You're only going out with her because you thought the date was with her HOT SISTER Chloe! Why don't you just dump her?

Jock: I can't, it would be rude! She's the perfect girl in every way other than he weight! Can I really be so shallow!?

Lucy: Yes! You can!

(Studio audience laugh. Lucy's got some sass!)

Jock: Well, get to work cleaning that black and white cat over there or I'll DOCK YOUR WAGES!

Lucy: Kiss my cat rag!

(Lucy takes out her cat rag and starts polishing the black and white cat. A man wearing a TOP HAT and carrying a cat comes in. Jock runs over to him.)

Jock: Can I help you?

Man: Why yes you can. I bought a pizza here yesterday.

Jock: And you were so happy with it you decided to bring your cat in for cleaning?

Man: No! It was full of cat hair!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Then why did you bring your cat in?

Man: TO SCRATCH YOU!

(The man throws his cat in Jock's face. Jock rolls around in the floor in agony as the cat destroys his face. Lucy doesn't notice. She's secretly looking at something. She doesn't see DJ walking in and sneaking up behind her.)

DJ: Hey Lucy! LATE AGAIN!

Lucy: Yes okay! That's why I'm taking the test!

DJ: What test? The bad employee test?

Lucy: Oh you meant to work not my period...never mind.

DJ: What you hiding there? A present for me?

Lucy: Hey, give that back!

(DJ GRABS the object from Lucy's hand. It's a PREGNANCY TEST.)

DJ: Oh my God, this says positive!

Lucy: It does? Oh no!

DJ: You're HIV positive!? Damn, girl!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
DJ: I don't think you should be handling the cats if you're HIV positive! Nothing against you, sister, but I sure wouldn't want to share a needle with your right now!

(Studio audience laugh like this is somehow amusing rather than deeply offensive.)

Lucy: You idiot! It's not an HIV test, it's a PREGNANCY test! I'm positive for pregnancy!

DJ: You're what for what?!

Lucy: I'm having a baby!

DJ: Well that ain't good with your HIV!

Lucy: ARGH! I don't have HIV! Just a baby!

DJ: Well who's the father? And does he know you don't have HIV? He'll probably want to sleep with you again if he does!

Lucy: I...I can't say who the father is.

DJ: Because you've slept with so many men?

(Studio audience WOOOOOO!)

Lucy: It was only five men, okay! I was going through some stuff!

DJ: Is it Jock?

Lucy: He's the ONE PERSON it can't be...

DJ: You mean it could be me!? I thik I would remember that! I would have edited the best guess nude image I have of you in my Wank Bank for one thing!

(Studio audience explode at "wank bank" and who can blame them!)

Lucy: It's not you either. Only one of them was black...

DJ: Racist!

Lucy: Two of them were Mexican!

DJ: Mexicanist!

(Studio audience start chanting "DJ, DJ, DJ!")

Lucy: Shut up! I don't want Jock knowing about this!

DJ: Looks he's about to be distracted...BIGTIME!

(MAGGIE, Jock's new obese girlfriend and pizza chef, walks in. Or tries to. She gets stuck in the doorway. She's so fat!)

Jock: Maggie, my...my love!

(He runs over and kisses her. She recoils.)

Maggie: Kissing someone when they're trapped in a doorway is sexual assault! YOU CAVEMAN!

Jock: I suppose you want to DUMP ME now, huh?

Maggie: No! I'm commited to making our relationship work!

Jock(turning to DJ): Damn it! I can't get her to dump me!

Maggie: What was that?

Jock: I said, err, damn it, I can't get you...to HUMP ME!

Maggie: Not when I'm stuck in the doorway anyway! Go get some lube.

(Studio audience cheer.)

Maggie: Not sex lube, obese-woman-stuck-in-a-doorway lube!

Studio audience groan in disappointment.)

Jock: Lucy, throw me that cat lube.

DJ: Hey, I don't thik Lucy should be doing anything phsical in her condition!

Lucy: SSSSSSSSH!

Jock: What condition?

Lucy: I, uhh,,,.have HIV!

Jock: Oh...

Lucy: No, I mean, not HIV, what's that other thing that's like HIV...a cold!

Jock: Oh, right, easy mistake to make! DJ, you better toss the cat lube then.

DJ: I've had plenty of practice!

(Studio audience WOOOOOO again even though this makes even less sense than anything that's ever been said before in human history. Jock lubes up Maggie and she slides out of the doorway.)

Maggie: Finally! Now I can get to work making pizzas!

Jock: Yeah, we've had reports of cat hair in pizzas. That's why my face is so horribly mutilated today.

Maggie: I was wondering about that! Okay, I'll stop cooking cat hairs in pizzas if it will make you happy. Anything for you, schmookins!

(She kisses Jock. Studio audience laugh because she's a fat woman doing normal human stuff!)

DJ: Also six pizzas went missing yesterday.

Jock: I wonder where they could be!

Maggie: BURP!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Lucy: Yeah, I wonder...

Jock: No! Surely not...Maggie?! Did you STEAL and EAT those six pizzas? Because if you did I can't be your girlfriend anymore! I have a strict code against dating a thief!

DJ: What about that time you dated that sexy shoplifter who stole all the cat glue?

Lucy: Or that time you dated that mafia boss?

Jock: SSSSSS!H

Maggie(crying): I swear to you, I didn't eat them! Please don't dump me!

JocK: Well, I'd LIKE to believe you, but...

(Suddenly an OBESE CAT walks in with a PIZZA hanging out its mouth!)

Obese Cat: BURP!

Jock: ...I guess I can believe you!

Maggie: Yay!

(She jumps on Jock and starts kissing him as he groans in pain.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Jock: Okay, Maggie, I know you've substituted food for love for so long that now that you can finally be physical with another person you literally want to eat me all up, but we have work to do!

Lucy: That was...surprisingly deep. Now I kind of wish you were the father...

Jock: The father?

Lucy: ...the fatter. The fatter of the two. It would make Maggie feel better about herself!

Maggie: Aww, thanks, Lucy-loo!

Lucy: Shut your mouth.

DJ: Cat fight!

Lucy: Just because two women don't get along doesn't mean it's a cat fight!

DJ: No, I mean, cat fight!

(He points at TWO CATS who are SCRATCH-FIGHTING. Studio audience cheer this cat action.)

Jock: I better pry them apart! Now PLEASE someone start making some pizzas!

(Maggie walks over to Lucy.)

Maggie: I know you act like you don't like me, but I wish we could be friends, Lucy.

Lucy: I just don't think you're right for Jock.

Maggie: Because you want him for yourself!

Lucy: No! He disgusts me! Look at him weakly batting at those cats with the Anti-Cat Fight Bat. He's not a real man. Not like...

Maggie: Like who?

Lucy: You know what, Maggie? Maybe we CAN be friends. You've just made me realise something important! I'll be back soon, cover for me!

Maggie: There's more than enough of me to cover for anyone!

(Studio audience laugh at this fat humour as Lucy runs out.)

DJ: Hey, where's Lucy go?

Maggie: She said she realised something imporant.

DJ: Maybe she's gone to tell the father!

Maggie: The fatter? There's someone fatter than me!?

DJ: No I meant the father of her unborn child.

Maggie: Oh. Lucy's pregnant!?

DJ: WHOOPS! Don't tell Jock! For some reason!

(Jock comes back over, bleeding a lot.)

Jock: Second time today I've been cat dismembered! Maybe we should just get rid of the cat cleaning business and become a fulltime pizza restaurant!

(Studio audience gasp.)

DJ: We can't do that! We wouldn't be called Cat Cleaners then!

Jock: We could be called Cat Pizzas and have pizzas in the shape of cats!

(Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: That's a brilliant idea! Let's do that! Besides, the cat cleaning chemicals cost ten times as much as we charge for cat cleaning per cat! And they cause impotence!

Jock: And I hate cats!

Maggie: Let's eat the cats!

Jock and DJ: Oh Maggie!

(Studio audience cheer. They've accepted Maggie as a fat figure of ridicule!)

DJ: I guess we should give all these cats back to their owners.

Jock: Or just throw them out on the fuck street the scratching bastards.

DJ: Or that!

(The obese cat has a heart attack and dies.)

Jock: Well, that's one less furball to throw out on the street!

DJ: Let's kick it around like a football!

(MEANWHILE, we cut a CLOSE-UP of LUCY'S FACE. She's talking to someone who is SITTING BEHIND A DESK but we can't see who it is.)

Lucy: I've been doing some soul-searching. Even though I had wild unprotected sex with five men that night, I know which one is the father of my child. And I know which one I want to BE the father to my child, the man I want raising my child as his own. You are the maliest, strongest REAL MAN of the five men I slept with. Logically that means your sperm is the strongest of all and the most likely to impregnate me! I don't need to take a silly DNA test to prove it: YOU'RE the father of my child. Well? What do you think?

(Pull back to reveal THE CHAMP sitting behind the desk in front of Lucy. We are inside his nightclub and there are bottles of PILLS and NEEDLES and GUNS on the desk. The Champ is smoking a huge cigar and drinking from a pimp cup and has just cut a line for cocaine.)

The Champ: DAY-UM, BEOTCH!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Lucy: That's all you've got to say? You're going to be a father! Do you know what that means?

The Champ: Well, yeah, I'm a father to twenty kids! That I know of!

Lucy: And do you pay child support for all of them?

The Champ: Of course! That's why I had to open this place! I couldn't support all my kids on a cat cleaner's salary!

Lucy: Well, I applaud you for trying to make a better life for your children, but I can't have you using a legitimate business as a front for criminal activity! That's not the kind of world I want my son OR daughter growing up in.

The Champ: First of all, the child is a boy. All my kids are. I've got EXTRA STRONG SPERM, you know! Second of all, don't worry about me using a legitimate business as a front for criminal activity. I'm actually doing the opposite!

Lucy: You're...using criminal activity as a front for a legit business?

The Champ: Exactly, babe!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: I don't get it!

The Champ: Look, I have a reputation to maintain. Ever since I got arrested for punching my own grandmother, people have thought of me as a bad boy. A criminal. It's not really true! My Grandmother was going to stab me with a corkscrew! But all anyone cares about is that I punched her twenty seven times. I don't want to say it's racist, BUT IT IS! Anyway, people think I'm some badass criminal so I have to give them what they want! So I let the press think this place is a CRIME DEN, but they can't prove anything, but the gossip gets out there...it attracts business here! The buzz! People think if they come here they might see some crime or me punching an eighty year old woman twenty seven times!

Lucy: That's brilliant! But what about all these bottles of pills lying on your desk?

The Champ: That's just viagra!

(Studio audience make the viagra noise.)

Lucy: Oh...

The Champ: NOT FOR ME! For, uhh, a friend. I'm just keeping it for him.

Lucy: What about the needles?

The Champ: My insulin!

Lucy: The cocaine?

The Champ: Sherbert!

Lucy: And the guns?

The Champ: I'm an American!

(The studio audience cheer and start singing the national anthem.)

Lucy: Well...looks like you'll be a GREAT FATHER after all!

(SOMEONE jumps through a window into The Champ's office. The Champ grabs the nearest gun and fires. But it's just UNCLE MAC in a sailor suit!)

Uncle Mac: HELLOOOOOOOO, BOYS!

The Champ: Damn it! Thought you were an INTRUDER, Mac! Sorry I shot your ears off!

Uncle Mac: That's quite okay, old bean!

Lucy: Uncle Mac! I thought you left to join the navy!

Uncle Mac: They wouldn't take me when I said I was a homosexual!

Lucy: But they take gays now!

Uncle Mac: Not gays who start masturbating on deck!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: Where have you been then?

Unlce Mac: Hold on, let me take one of these HEADACHE PILLS, I'm really quite badly injured from having my ear shot off.

(He grabs the nearest bottle of viagra and SWALLOWS ALL THE PILLS. Then he grabs ANOTHER bottle and swallows all THOSE pills too!)

The Champ: Oh no, those were my viagra! I mean, my friend's viagra...

Uncle Mac: I feel better already!

Lucy: Get that thing away!

(Uncle Mac turns round and nearly knocks Lucy over with his erection as the studio audience pee all over the place.)

Uncle Mac: I was hiding out under the floor in Cat Cleaners all the time! I know you're pregnant! And I know what we must do!

Lucy: What's that?

Uncle Mac: Open up a RIVAL PIZZA RESTAURANT right here in The Champ's criminal bar!

(Studio audience OOOOOOOOH!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock is talking to another unsatisfied customer back at Cat Cleaners.)

Customer: ...a disgrace! Cat pee AND cat shit in my pizza! One of those would have been bad enough! But two!? I almost didn't finish eating it I was so disgusted! I demand vouchers for a free pizza! WITH CHOPPINGS OF MY CHOICE.

Jock: I'm afraid we only have a voucher for a pizza with horse meat topping.

Customer: Well, LUCKY FOR YOU I love horse meat. I am French after all! Oui! But no more cat urine and shit, 'kay!

Jock: Don't worry, we've kicked all the cats out onto the fucking street where they belong. We're just a pizza shop now.

Customer: Wait, my cat was here to be claened! Are you saying you kicked it out onto the street!?

Jock: Uhh, is your cat obese?

Customer: Yes!

Jock: Good news then, it's dead!

(The customer PUNCHES JOCK and storms out.)

DJ: Damn, that guy punched better than The Champ!

Maggie: Who's The Champ? Sounds scary!

DJ: Don't worry, you won't have to worry about him anymore!

(LOUD RAP MUSIC about bitches and hos starts playing. THE CHAMP walks in with TEN HOS and EIGHT BITCHES gyrating around him, playing rap music on GHETTO BLASTERS. Lucy and Uncle Mac are also there.)

The Champ: GUESS AGAIN, BITCH!

Jock: The Champ!? Lucy!? UNCLE MAC!?!? Uncle Mac's erection!?

Uncle Mac: That's right, lad. I've overdosed on viagra and it won't go down, no matter what I think about! I tried thinking about MEGAN FOX and it still stayed up!

Jock: But Megan Fox is a HOT BABE!

Uncle Mac: Yes, and I'm queerer than the Village People!

(Studio audience stand up and applaud Uncle Mac's brave decision to come out.)

Jock: What!

The Champ: Never mind Uncle Mac being a fruit, the most important thing is that I, The Champ, have opened up MY OWN pizza reastaurant over at my criminal bar across the street! AND IF YOU PUNKS TRY TO UNDERCUT MY PRICES, I'LL BURN THIS DUMP TO THE GROUND WITH YOU ALL INSIDE IT.

Maggie: No!

The Champ: And who THE FUCK is this FINE-ASS WHITE CHICK? You want to come work for me?

Maggie: No! I love Jock! And I love his idea for making cat shaped pizzas!

The Champ: Cat shaped pizzas? Only GAYS like Uncle Mac would eat those! No offense, Mac, you know you're my dog.

Uncle Mac: Woof!

The Champ: We sell GUN SHAPED pizzas at my criminal pizza shop!

Jock: Why?

The Champ: What kind of people are most likely to be criminals? Italians! They're all in the Mafia, even the Pope! And what do criminal love? GUNS! And why do Italians love? PIZZA! And what do Italian criminals love...DO I HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT!

(The Champ PUNCHES DJ in the gut.)

DJ: Oww! What was that for!

The Champ: A warning! To not undercut our prices! And PUNISHMENT for you being a black guy WORKING FOR THE WHITE MAN.

DJ: Jock and I co-own this place!

The Champ: That's what you TELL YOURSELF.

DJ: That's what the lease says!

(The Champ kicks DJ in the ribs.)

The Champ: Shut up! You'll all DIE if you cross me!

Jock: Lucy, I can't believe this! How can you work for this monster?

Lucy: I'm sorry, Jock. I have to make a better life for The Champ...and our baby.

(She RUBS her pregnant STOMACH to show that she's PREGNANT.)

Jock: You're getting fat like Maggie! Trying to win me back by gaining weight? I won't work!

DJ(in pain): No...she's...pregnant.

Jock: with a baby!?

The Champ: With MY black messiah, honky!

(The Champ kicks Jock in the face.)

The Champ: Ahahahaha, AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(The Champ and friends storm out.)

Jock: He's a lot more evil than I remember.

DJ: What are we going to do now?

Jock: He's thrown down the gauntlet. We have to respond in kiind...the PRANK WAR is on!

(Studio audience cheer because they love a prank war!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(BRICKY the CONMAN walks into Cat Cleaners. Studio audience cheer because they love this guy.)

Jock: Hey, Bricky, get out of here! Last time you were here you conned me into spending five thousand dollars on chocolate kettles! Then you didn't deliver them! I was going to sell them to kids.

Bricky: They melted in the mail!

(Studio audience stand up and applaud this brilliant line.)

Jock: Well, I guess you can come in...want a pizza.

Bricky: Sure! How about if it's not here in thirty minutes I get it for free?

Jock: Ha! Easy! We make them upstairs!

Bricky: And I want a pizza with SPANISH EGGS on it!

Jock: But the Spanish egg shop is 31 minutes away from here!

Brick: Loks like I'm eating for free!

Jock: Why I oughta...

(DJ and Maggie come in.)

Maggie: Who is that shifty looking character.

DJ: That's Jock. You're dating him!

(Studio audience explode.)

Maggie: I mean the other one!

DJ: Oh that's Bricky. He's a conman who always comes by here and cons us out of thousands of dollars. Nice guy. But don't trust him!

Bricky: Hey, DJ! How's Tupac's hat working for you?

DJ: It's just my own hate with "TUPAC'S HAT" written on it in magic marker! You conned me!

Bricky: That's just the kind of hat Tupac wore, man! He was fly.

DJ: Well, he was fly...

Maggie: Hey, if you're a conman, how about you help us put The Champ's Criminal Bar And Gun Shaped Pizza Place out of business?

Jock: Maggie, don't! The Champ's dangerous! He scrunched up some paper on his way out!

DJ: And violently assaulted me.

Jock: Oh yeah, and that.

Bricky: Hmm, sounds like a potentially lucrative con job. And you say this "The Champ" fellow is a filthy rich criminal? Intriguing! Tell you what, I'll just go over there right now and get a feel for the place.

Jock: But you ordered a pizza! You have to pay for it!

Bricky: Oh, okay, have this.

(He hands Jock a HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL and walks out.)

Jock: Maybe we midjudged old Bricky...

(The hundred dollar bill EXPLODES.)

DJ: The old exploding hundred dollar bill trick!

(MEANWHILE, over at The Champ's bar, Bricky introduces himself.)

Brick: Hello, The Champ. I've just come from Cat Cleaners...and I want to help you destroy that place and be paid for doing so!

The Champ: SOUNDS GOOD, AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

(The Champ stubs his cigar on out on a dwarf waiter.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are UNDERCOVER at The Champ's Criminal Bar wearing FAKE MOUSTACHES and FAKE GLASSES.)

Jock: It's been a week and we still haven't heard back from Bricky! What's he doing over here!

DJ: He's a conman, he needs to get the lay of the land to do his cons! It's risky us being here in fake glasse and moustaches. Especially after The Champ sent that delivery of COW SHIT over to Cat Cleaners!

(Studio audience laugh they love cow shit.)

Jock: We need answers, DJ. Answers and gun-shaped pizzas! Waiter, waiter!

(A DWARF WAITER comes over. Studio audience laugh at the sight of him. Small people are funny!)

Jock: Hello young man, could we have a gun-shaped pizza with mustard on it, please.

Waiter: I'm 45 you git!

(The waited kicks Jock in the shins because we all know small people can't control their temper!)

Jock: Oww!

DJ: Why did The Champ higher dwarf waiters anyway?

Jock: Don't call him that!

(The waiter kicks Jock again.)

Waiter: It's more patronising NOT to be called dwarves! You git!

Jock: Oww!

Waiter: To answer your question, it's because we make The Champ feel big. He enjoys kicking us.

DJ: You should report his ass to the cops man!

Waiter: Legally dwarves don't have rights!

Jock: That can't be right...

(The waiter kicks him again.)

Jock: Oww!

Waiter: It's what The Champ told us and we never bothered to check! Now SHUT UP and wait for your gun-shaped pizza with mustard on it!

Jock: Well we're certainly not hiring any of THEIR KIND at Cat Cleaners!

DJ: Whatever The Champ's doing, it's working. Look at all the people in here. Some of them criminals!

(They look over at a MAFIA BOSS who is stabbing a SNITCH in the hand with his fork.)

Mafia Boss: That's what you get for snitching!

Snitch: I didn't snitch, my mom did!

Mafia Boss: You're saying I should stab a woman in the hand with a fork? That's horrible! I'll stab you for that!

(Jock and DJ look away and shudder.)

Jock: Wait, there's Bricky! He's...snorting cocaine with The Champ!?

(Bricky is sitting at a distant table snorting cocaine and LAUGHING with The Champ.)

Bricky: I love cocaine and money!

The Champ: Have more!

DJ: He's probably just PRETENDING to snort cocaine and betray us for money!

Jock: Wait, here comes Lucy!

(Lucy looks at The Champ and Bricky and runs awy crying.)

Jock: She needs a REAL MAN raising her child! A man like me or you or...

(UNCLE MAC pops out from under the table.)

Uncle Mac: Or UNCLE MAC with his never-ending erection!

(Studio audience cheer as Uncle Mac strokes his erection through his pants.)

Jock: Uhh...we're not Jock nad DJ! We're two guys in glasses and moustaches!

DJ: I don't even know what Cat Cleaners is!

Uncle Mac: Relax, guys. I'm not here to stab you both to death with my ever-lasting erection. I'm here...to BETRAY The Champ and help you put him out of business!

Jock: Zoinks!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ, Uncle Mac and Maggie are inside Cat Cleaners. It is completely empty otherwise. A tumbleweed blows across the floor.)

Maggie: I don't know why you bought that thing, DJ!

DJ: It's cute!

Maggie: We haven't had a customer since you bought it!

DJ: Oh come on, we both knows that's because The Champ is serving gun-shaped pizzas now. We can't compete with that. I have one for dinner every day!

Maggie: Traitor!

Jock: Pipe down, you two! With Uncle Mac on our side, we might finally be able to take down The Champ.

DJ: Why have you betrayed him anyway? You and him used to do everyting together. I'll never forget that time you kidnapped Obama and only let him go after Michelle gave The Champ a lap dance!

(Studio audience cheer this unlikely scenario.)

Uncle Mac: Those were good times. But no, he's gone too far now, dragging Lucy into his life of fake crime. She's a sweet, innocent girl and she's going to have a baby soon. It can't be raised in that environment! The only way to save her is to put The Champ's bar out of business OR KILL HIM. We'll try putting him out of business first.

Maggie: Sounds like you have the hots for Lucy...

Uncle Mac: HEY, I'm a man like anyone else. I have a massive erection that just won't go down and it's possible that's clouding my judgement. But there are other reasons as well. PERSONAL REASONS.

Jock: Okay, whatever, what do we need to do?

Uncle Mac: The Champ is certain he's the father of Lucy's bastard child. We have to prove that he isn't! That would break his heart and his business would suffer!

DJ: Makes sense!

Maggie: But who else could the father be?

DJ: Lucy said she slept with five men that night...

Maggie: THE SLUT!

(Studio audience cheer and starting chanting "LUCY'S A SLUT!")

Jock: I remember that night...

Maggie: YOU WERE ONE OF THEM!? I'LL KILL HER FOR DOING THIS TO ME!

Jock: No, I never slept with LUCY that night...

Maggie: Oh, that's okay then.

Jock: It was the night those two Mexican wrestlers came by with their Mexican cat and we all got drunnk on Mexican wine!

DJ: I remember! I had sex with a pinata!

Maggie: Lucy probably took on both those Mexicans at once that would be so like her!

DJ: I'll call them and ask!

(DJ presses one button on his cell phone. INSTANTLY the door to Cat Cleaners opens and the two Mexixan wrestlers roll in, wearing masks.)

Mexicans: Ole!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Oh yeah, I forgot there's a wrestling arena next door! So guys, did either of you sleep with Lucy?

Mexicans: Si!

Maggie: I KNEW IT. They must be the father!

Uncle Mac: Well, let's take a DNA test to be sure.

Jock: How are you going to get their DNA?

(Uncle Mac pulls out a knife.)

Uncle Mac: HEEEEEEEEERE'S MACKY!

(Studio audience cheer even though this makes less sense than anything in human history.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Bricky and The Champ are still snorting cocaine in The Champ's Criminal Bar And Pizza Restaurant.)

Bricky: AHAHAHAHAHA, GOD I LOVE COCAINE HARDCORE, I can't believe those punks Jock and DJ thought I'd help them destroy you, it's not like they're the ones with cocaine!

The Champ: DAMN that's some good WHITE COCAINE! So you'll help me destroy them instead?

Bricky: Of course! I'll burn Cat Cleaners down to the fucking ground! All the cats inside will perish! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(He takes another hit of cocaine.)

The Champ: Well, uhh, sure, burn it down, I think they cleared the cats out though...

Bricky: DAMN! Was wanting to burn some kitties! Cocaine makes me KER-RAZY!

The Champ: Maybe you've had enough, man...

Bricky: Hmm, seventeen missed calls from my wife, maybe I should go home and see how she is and forget about destroying Cat Cleaners...

The Champ: NO! FUCK YOUR WIFE. What's she ever done for you?

Bricky: We have five kids.

The Champ: Exactly! Bitch should have been on birth control! Have more lovely cocaine!

Bircky: Well, okay, it won't do any harm...

(Bricky takes another hit of coke.)

Bricky: LET'S ORDER SOME SIXTEEN YEAR OLD ASIAN PROSTITUTES!

(Lucy comes over and takes The Champ aside.)

Lucy: What are you doing? You're going to destroy your beautiful nose with cocaine!

The Champ: Don't worry, ho, it's just FAKE cocaine! The father of your baby isn't going to wreck his nose!

Lucy: Oh! So why is Bricky acting to strange if it's fake cocaine?

The Champ: Oh, he's on real cocaine. I'm getting him hooked so I can control him and have him do my bidding in destroying Cat Cleaners.

Lucy: That's horrible!

The Champ: Do you want me destroying Cat Cleaners or not?

Lucy: Well, if it's the only way you'll be able to provide for our baby...

The Champ: It is, bitch! Haha, look at Bricky's eyes glaze over. He's a broken man!

Lucy: All for our child...

The Champ: Hey, keep him busy, I'm going to say hi to DON CRISP, the mafia boss!

(The Champ walks over to Don Crisp.)

Don Crisp: The Champ! Why is it that your criminal bar isn't serving bullet to its customers? I have a gun that needs filling up!

The Champ: Sorry man, we sold out on bullets after the Irish bus tour came by! Who is it you want to fill full of lead anyway?

Don Crisp: Why, that's simple. YOU, of course! You owe me half a million dollars in gambling debts!

The Champ: Shit, I forgot about that!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(The Mexicans are putting on a bullfighting display in the Cat Cleaners restaurant, using DJ as a bull. There's only one customer and she looks bored.)

Customer: I want my pizza!

DJ: It's just coming! It's hard to shape them exactly like a cat, okay!

(Maggie finally comes out with a pizza shaped like a three-legged cat.)

Maggie: Here you go!

Customer: I ordered a cat-shaped pizza with FOUR legs, not three!

Maggie: Now now, don't be catist!

Customer: I'm not catist, I'm LEGGIST you fool! BRING ME ANOTHER LEG!

Maggie: Can't you just pretend the tail is a leg?

(The customer stands up and slaps Maggie.)

Customer: You sicken me.

(The customer storms out. Maggie starts cryng.)

DJ: Maggie, you've got to pull it together! For Jock!

Maggie: For Jock? He's paid me no attention for a day! He's just huddled up with Uncle Mac looking at that DNA machine! It's like he cares more about Lucy than me!

DJ: Well she is thinner than you...

(Studio audience laugh. Meanwhile, Jock and Uncle Mac are huddled around Uncle Mac's homemade DNA machine.)

Jock: Are the results in yet!?

Uncle Mac: It's takes longer when you're testing Mexicans!

Jock: I understand how you got a sample of THEIR DNA...by cutting them both across the cheek with your knife and saying it was a "traditional American greeting"...

Uncle Mac: Mexicans will believe anything!

Jock: But how did you get Lucy's DNA!?

Uncle Mac: Uhh...I fished her pubes out of the toilet, okay!

Jock: Oh, I used to do that. Hey, why is the DNA machine flashing?

Uncle Mac: THE RESULTS ARE IN! And...the Mexicans are NOT the father! That leaves only two options!

Jock: Well there's The Champ and two other guys...

Uncle Mac: Ha! Believe me, it's not The Champ's baby...but as for the others I'll have to do some MORE testing to find out.

Jock: I wish I'd had sex with Lucy that night. But I was too busy eating chips!

Uncle Mac: Don't worry, kid, you'll get another go around after she has this baby. I'll make sure of that.

Jock: Uhh, okay...

(Suddenly DJ and Maggie run in.)

DJ: I just heard gunshots from The Champ's Criminal Bar!

Maggie: He must have shot Lucy right through her pregnancy!

Jock: Oh no!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ, Maggie and the Mexicans run into The Champ's Criminal Bar. DON CRISP is holding a gun to The Champ.)

Don Crisp: That first shot was a WARNING SHOT!

The Champ: You shot one of my midget waiters through the head!

(Jock comically trips over the corpse of a DEAD midget waiter. Studio audience laugh.)

Don Crisp: They were slave labour, they didn't have any rights!

The Champ: I'll need to find another one now!

Jock: Is Lucy okay!

(Don Crisp SPINS round and shoots at Jock. Jock ducks and the bullet hits one of the Mexicans, killing him.)

Other Mexican: Ole!

(The other Mexican runs at Don Crisp with his bull-fighting sword. Don Crisp shoots him dead too.)

Don Crisp: And who are these jokers!

The Champ: Just the PUNKS who run the Cat Cleaning shop across the street, don't worry about them!

Don Crisp: I'll kill them! I'll kill all of you if I don't get what's owed me!

(Lucy comes walking out from the back.)

Lucy: I think Bricky's overdoes on cocaine, he's ate all the curtains! What's going on out here!

The Champ: No! Don't you threaten the mother of my child!

Don Crisp: Oh, I thought she was just fat! Pay me back or I'll kill her!

Jock: No! The Champ, if you're any kind of a man you'll pay this man back!

The Champ: I don't have no stinking money! I spent everything on cocaine and pizza molds for this place! It is insured for an obscene amount, but that don't do no good!

DJ: Why don't you just give Don Crisp the business?

Don Crisp: Ha! You think I want to own this dump? I'd rather own your stinking Cat Cleaners place!

Maggie: It'll cost you TEN BILLION DOLLARS!

(Studio audience wooooooo! Everyone stares at Maggie.)

Maggie: It was worth a shot. We would have been rich!

Don Crisp: Maybe I'll just PLUG every one of you!

Jock: What does that mean?

Don Crisp: It means shoot!

Jock: Why not just say that?

Don Crisp: What are you, the police? Because if you are, I'll kill you DOUBLE!

Jock: How does that work?

Don Crisp: Grrrr!

(He aims his gun at Jock and PREPARES to fire when suddenly UNCLE MAC sneaks up behind him and SNAPS HIS NECK!)

DJ: Uncle Mac! What took you so long?

Uncle Mac: I was here in a SNAP!

(Studio audience cheer this murder.)

The Champ: You just killed a guy! The police will be all over us now! They shut down Criminal Bars where people die!

Jock: Maybe that will teach you not to open a Criminal Bar in the first place!

The Champ: SHUT UP, WHITEY!

Lucy: Jock's right. It was a mistake coming here!

(Lucy runs outside crying. Everyone else follows out onto the street.)

The Champ: Lucy, come on, you're having my baby, you have to come back!

Jock: But Uncle Mac said you CAN'T be the father!

The Champ: What! He didn't tell you that I'm impotent and all those bottles of viagra lying around the place are mine, did he!

Jock: No, not that.

The Champ: Oh. Well I could still be the father! Maybe I got a phantom erection that night!

Lucy: Then who IS the father!?

(But SUDDENLY SMOKE starts to rise from The Champ's criminal bar. It's on fire!)

The Champ: It's burning down!

Uncle Mac: That will take care of all the dead bodies inside at least! Fire burns bodies!

Jock: But who did this!?

(BRICKY comes walking out, completely unharmed. The studio audience explode with joy.)

Brick: Mind if I "burn and run"!?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
The Champ: Bricky!? You coke-munching zigzag, why'd you burn my criminal bar to the ground!

Bricky: Because I was SECRETLY working with Cat Cleaners all along!

Jock, DJ and Maggie: You were!?

Bricky: Of course! Remember, you guys hired me!

Jock: Not to burn the bar down and kill every dwarf waiting inside!

DJ: And you betrayed us to do cocaine anyway!

Maggie: And you're a dick!

Bricky: Ha! I just did that as COVER! I HAD to do cocaine and heroin and Yellow Pumpkin and bang all those hookers so that The Champ would BELIEVE I'm a criminal bastard like him! It was all a big scam while I got matches with which to light the fire!

The Champ: I'll kill you!

Brick: Oh but will you? By burning down the bar, I saved you a lot of problems with the police, having to explain Don Crisp's death! AND your bar was insured for TEN MILLION DOLLARS! Half for you, half for the co-owner Uncle Mac!

Uncle Mac: It's a victimless crime!

The Champ: I guess Lucy will be happy now that I have five million dollars and no longer own a criminal bar! Get back in my bed, baby!

Lucy: No. I'm sorry, but I don't want to be with you anymore. I want the safety and sanit of Cat Cleaners.

DJ: First time anyone's ever said that!

(DJ does a breakdance as the studio audience cheer and chant "GO DJ!")

The Champ: But I'm your baby's daddy! I have rights!

Jock: Just back off, okay!

The Champ: SHUT UP, LITTLE MAN! You've never got no one pregnant, I'll squash you like a bug.

Uncle Mac: But The Champ...you didn't get Lucy pregnant either.

Everyone: WHAT!?

Uncle Mac: It wasn't possible...

The Champ: Shut up, Mac...

Uncle Mac: Because you're IMPOTENT!

(Studio audience gasp.)

Lucy: What!

Uncle Mac: That's right. All those viagra bottles in The Champ's officer belonged to him!

The Champ: You're supposed to be my friend!

Uncle Mac: I'm sorry, but Jock's my nephew and I can't have you beating the shit out of him.

Lucy: THEN WHO IS THE FUCKING FATHER OF MY BABY?

Uncle Mac: My tests show it is...JOCK!

(Studio audience fail to react because they've all fallen asleep.)
 
Lucy: But I didn't have sex with Jock!

Uncle Mac: DIDN'T YOU? Remember you said you had sex with The Champ, two Mexicans and two white guys. Obvously The Champ sex didn't happen because he was in denial then and hadn't ordered viagra yet. But who were the two white guys?

Lucy: Well, one was Bill Clinton, but he used a condom. Said he had to be careful after he paid Monica to have ten abortions. The other was...it's hazy...but...yes! I think...it did look like Jock!

Jock: I can't believe it! You'd think I'd remembered the greatest night of my life!

Uncle Mac: Well the important thing is that you're the real father and now you can get married to each other and next season can be the wedding season!

Jock: Sure!

Lucy: Well, I guess I could do worse...at least his crazy business hasn't burned down...

Maggie: But what about me?

(DJ dips Maggie and kisses her passionately. Studio audience explode.)

DJ: I'm a chubby chaser!

Uncle Mac: All the loose ends are wrapped up!

The Champ: What about me, fools!

Uncle Mac: I guess you'll just have to come and work at Cat Cleaners again!

The Champ: DAMN IT!

Uncle Mac: But we have a good health care insurance package that will give you FREE VIAGRA!

The Champ: Then it's not ALL bad!

(The Champ does The Champ Dance. Fade to black. But suddenly it is later and Bricky is meeting Uncle Mac in a DARK ALLEY.)

Bricky: Well, I guess everything went according to plan.

Uncle Mac: Thanks to you!

Bricky: And they never suspected that I had secretly been working for you for your own ends FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!

Uncle Mac: I needed you to win all of their trust, so no one would suspec it was ME who ordered you to burn down The Champ's bar.

Bricky: And of course as co-owner you get HALF THE INSURANCE MONEY. And your own gambling debts to Don Crisp are paid off because you murdered him and had me destroy the crime scene! And you're racist against Mexicans so you're happy about them dying too.

Uncle Mac: That's right!

Bricky: There's just one thing I don't understand...why did you lie about the father of Lucy's child? Why did you say it's Jock...when in reality...it's YOU!

Uncle Mac: Lucy can't know yet, she thinks I'm just a crazy old man. But I'll make her fall in love with me and then she'll leave my own nephew for me...and I'll finally tell her the truth. That our child will be THE NEXT MESSIAH!

Bricky: Man...you're kind of crazy. But you pay well! Don't worry, your secret's safe with me!

Uncle Mac: Oh, I know it is...

(Uncle Mac stabs Bricky in the gut with a knife. Bricky falls to the ground.)

Bricky: No...no...my wife and children...

Uncle Mac: Maybe I'll used your wife to amuse me while I wait for Lucy to fall in love with me. Hahaha...AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Uncle Mac walks away as Bricky bleeds out.)

THE END
 
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