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Cat Cleaners: Space Camp

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(Jock and DJ walks into the barracks at SPACE CAMP. Studio audience cheer. It's been too long!)

Jock: Well here we are at space camp where we will train to be astronauts and go to the moon!

DJ: I can't believe it! It's incredible! It's literally not credible!

Jock: It's been a hard few years, hasn't it? Cat Cleanrs was burned down. Then it was rebuilt, brick by brick!

DJ: Yeah, by local cats! They wanted a place to get clean again!

Jock: Then we were both arrested for illegal enslavement of cats.

DJ: Yeah, but we were released when we had sex with all the arresting officers! You with alll the lady police officers, me with some lady police officers AND some men police officers as I am a bisexual!

(Studio audience cheer the inclusivity of Cat Cleaners.)

Jock: I can't believe they sent twenty officers to arrest us! But yeah, things were good for a whle after that. Until Cat Cleaners burned down for a second time.

DJ: I'd like to punch Uncle Mac in the face! Burning Cat Cleaners down for the insurance money! We weren't even insured! I was so mad at him!

Jock: I'd like to punch him in the face for that too! Forgetting to pay the insurance! Blowing all the money on video games and cocaine!

DJ: Shame he died in the fire.

Jock: Yes, it is certainly a shame that Uncle Mac, Lucy, The Champ, Melanie, Your Brother X, and two dozens cats all burned to death when Cat Cleaners burned down.

(Studio audience mumble to each other in surprise.)

DJ: At least you ran back inside and saved Whiskerton!

(Whiskerton walks into the barracks.)

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Studio audience explode. They start throwing roses onto the set in appreciation for Whiskerton, having completely forgotten all the dead people.)

Jock: Yeah! And now we get to go to the moon thanks to THE HEAD OF NASA personally picking us after seeing us crying on tv about our horrible lives!

(CUT TO the Head of NASA watching on a monitor through a HIDDEN CAMERA. She is a woman wearing a BUSINESS SUIT. She SMILES EVILY.)

Head of NASA: Oh yes, you'll get to go to the moon alright...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(CUT BACK to the barracks. Two HOT WOMEN walk in.)

Jock: These must be our fellow astronauts!

Heidi: Yes! I'm Heidi! I'm going to the moon! Tee hee!

(She's a swimsuit model.)

Janelle: And I'm Janelle. Get your hands off me.

(She's a feminist and wearing a "MEN ARE SCUM" t-shirt.)

Jock: But I'm not touching you!

Janelle: You are in your mind!

DJ: Hahaha, I'm sure we'll all become best of friends soon!

Heidi: Sure! Tee hee!

Janelle: I'd rather go to the sun.

Jock: We can go on the way to the moon!

(Jock and DJ jump up on their beds and start playing air guitar.)

Janelle: This is going to be a horrible season.

Heidi: Hmm?

Janelle: ...a season is exactly how long our training to go to the moon will last.

Heidi: Oh. Tee hee!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ and Heidi are playing catch with Whiskerton, throwing him between the three of them. Whiskerton is CGI for this scene because they wouldn't let us throw a real cat around.)

Jock: WHEEEEE!

DJ: WHEEEEEE!

Heidi: PEEEEE!

Jock and DJ: Oh Heidi!

Heidi: No, he peed on me!

(Studio audience laugh. They love silly Heidi because she doesn't threaten them. Janelle walks in. Studio audience boo.)

Heidi: Don't throw that cat around, you'll hurt it! He's already peed on Heidi in fear!

Jock: That's where you're wrong.

DJ: Yeah, Whiskerton is a GIRL! A feminist should know that!

(Jock and DJ high five.)

Heidi: But you told me he was a boy...

Jock: Sssh, we're just trying to pwn Janelle!

Janelle: God! I can't wait until proper training begins and you two wash out and me and Heidi get to go to the moon without you. NO BOYS ALLOWED.

(Studio audience boo. A DRILL SARGEANT walks in.)

Sarge: Listen up, YOU MAGGOTS. I'm Sargeant Sarge and I'm here to get YOU MISERABLE SCUM in shape to go to the moon. YOU SNOWFLAKES.

Jock: Great to meet you!

Sarge: DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, WORM.

Jock: Drop down and give you twenty blowjobs? But your penis will be too tired to train us!

(Studio audience make sex whooping noises.)

Sarge: NO you CAN OF BEANS. Twent push-ups, YOU GIRLY MAN.

Jock: Well, okay, but I did five hundred this morning...

Janelle: Yeah he's actually reall good at push-ups, Sarge. If you really want to punish him you should make him read a book.

(Studio audience throw rotten tomatoes at Janelle. The actress breaks character for a moment, confused as to how they got them.)

Sarge: Clean those tomatoes up! Do you think just because you're a feminist I won't put you over my knee and spank you?

Janelle: Well, yes, because that would be illegal.

Sarge: Oh yeah. But I CAN order you to drop and give me FIVE push-ups! That's a lot for a girl!

Janelle: No it isn't!

Sarge: SIX THEN.

DJ: And what about me?

Sarge: I hear you're one of them BIsexuals they have now. You probably want to have sex with me AND the feminist AT THE SAME TIME while the cat watches, don't you?

DJ: Not really...

Sarge: SEVENTEEN PUSH-UPS THEN!

Heidi: How is this going to help us on the moon?

(Studio audience are confused that Heidi asked a reasonable queston.

Heidi: Tee hee?

(Studio audience sigh with relief. She's still dumb!)

Sarge: Being physically fit is needed for survival on the moon! Buzz Lightyear used to do five thousad push-ups an hour before he went to the moon so you CLOWN FEET have a long way to go!

Jock: There's something strange about this, DJ, but I can't figure out what...

DJ: Yeah, I'm pretty sure Buzz Lightyear isn't the name of the guy who went to the moon! It was Louis Armstrong, wasn't it?

(Cut to the head of NASA watching on her secret feed.)

Head of NASA: Oh no, they're starting to get suspcious. Time to TURN IT UP A NOTCH...

(Sarge waks away for a minute and returns.)

Sarge: That's enough push-ups!

Heidi: I haven't even done any and neither has Whiskerton!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Sarge: It's time for you two train...IN ZERO GRAVITY!

(Studio audience gasp.)

Jock: But all our clothes will float off!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ, Janelle, Heidi and Whiskerton are in a big room with "ZERO GRAVITY ROOM" written on the wall. They are wearing tight NASA JUMPSUITS.)

Jock: it was good of Sarge to give us these magnetic clothes so they won't float away when the gravity is turned off!

Janelle: They're not magnetic, they're just tight! There's no such thing as magnetic clothes! And your clothes woudn't have floated off anyway, that would be insane!

Jock: Oh, right, of course a FEMINIST wouldn't believe that clothes can just float off! Well they can, sister! That charge of public nudity against me was BOGUS, dude!

DJ: Hey, lay off feminists. Ever since I came out as a bisexual by having sex with a brother and sister at the same time, I've become more in touch with my feelings. Feminism just means equality and that's okay by me!

Jock: DJ, that's very PC of you...

(Studio audience gasp.)

Jock: PC...Politcally...COMPELLING! I want to be a feminiceguy too!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: Well, you can start by using GILLETTE RAZORS. Gillette, be the best man you can be!

(He holds a Gillette razor up to the camera because Cat Cleaners is doing product placement now to make up for the incredibly low ratings.)

Janelle: He's right, you know.

Heidi: I'm an idiot and even I believe in Gillette! Tee hee!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Sarge(through a speaker): Stop placing products and get read to experience ZERO GRAVITY!

Janelle: I keep telling you, the technology doesn't even exist...

(Suddenly a light in the room turns red and the gravity is off. All five of them start floating.)

Janelle: WAAAAAH?

DJ: Cool! This must be what Elon Musk feels like every day!

Jock: I'm going to be sick!

(He throws up and the vomit just floats there. Studio audience cheer the floating vomit.)

Heidi: The zero gravity is making me smarter somehow! Quick, somebody ask me a question.

DJ: Who invented forks?

Heidi: Forkman!

DJ: She's right!

Janelle: ...

Sarge: ENOUGH, YOU SCUM. You're here to learn to survive on your trip to the moon. Anything could happen in the spaceshuttle as it flies you there. What if, for example there was...AN ASTEROID ATTACK.

(CANNONS appear out of the walls and start shooting ROCKS at our heroes. They all desperately try to avoid them. One hits Jock in the neck.)

Jock: Shit, my neck! I need that to hold my head up!

Janelle: This is absurd! If we were inside our shuttle the asteroids wouldn't be able to hit us!

DJ: That's true! Unless there are CANNONS inside the shuttle too!

Sarge: SHUT UP YOU WEASELS. You have to figure out a way to escape this attack! What would you do if you were attacked by asteroids in space?

Heidi: Easy...I'd hit the switch and turn them off!

(Heidi floats over to the "ASTEROID CANNON" switch on the wall and turns it off. The asteroids stop.)

Jock: Yeah, baby!

(Jock plays air guitar and Heidi joins in.)

DJ: Ha! She out-smarted you!

Sarge: NO SHE DIDN'T, YOU WASP! There is no asteroid switch in space...God! I can't take it anymore! I can't train these people! I QUIT!

(We hear Sarge storming out of whatever room he's in.)

Jock: Do you know what that means, guys?

Janelle: What?

Jock: ZERO GEE PARTY TIME!

Janelle: Sigh.

(CUT TO the HEAD OF NASA.)

Head Of NASA: You think you're safe just because Sarge quit? Well you haven't been in the shuttle simulator yet...the shuttle simulator FROM HELL! HAHAHAHAHA!

(Sarge walks in.)

Sarge: Was my ACTING convincing...WIFE?

Head of NASA: Yes...HUSBAND!

(They have marital sex.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are waking up. They were sleeping in bunk beds in the barracks.)

Jock: It sure was nice of NASA to let us tak our bunk beds from home here to sleep in!

DJ: I'm just surprised they suvived the fire that burned down Cat Cleaners and killed Uncle Mac, Lucy, The Champ and all those cats and random people!

Jock: I knew investingin fire proof bunk beds would pay off one day!

(They get out of bed as Heidi walks in.)

Heidi: Tee hee!

Jock: Hi Heidi! Where's Janelle? Off RUINING VIDEO GAMES with FEMINISM or something?

(Studio audience laugh.)

Heidi: She said she had to speak to the head of NASA about something but I haven't seen her since. Tee hee!

DJ: Maybe she isn't cut out to be an astronaut like the three of us. You know, I reckon we could be the three greatest astronauts of ALL TIME!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

DJ: Oops, sorry, I mean the FOUR greatest!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: We shouldn't stop at the moon! We should go all the way to a planet! Mars, Jupiter, Vulcan, Italy...one of those crazy planets!

DJ: Let's get to the simulator fast so we're more prepared for the shuttle journey!

Heidi: RACE YOU! TEE HEE!

(She runs out. Jock and DJ shrug and just walk normally.)

Jock: Running is for girls!

(Studio audience WOOOO and shout things like "YES!" and "IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY SAID IT!" Heidi comes running into the shuttle simulator room where a middle aged woman is holding a stick.)

Woman: NO RUNNING! I'm Sally Simulator and I'll hit you with my stick if you run!

(Jock and DJ walk in.)

Woman: And no walking slowly either! JOGGING AT ALL TIMES.

(She hits all three with her stick.)

Jock: Oww!

(Whiskerton hisses and scratched Sally.)

Sally: Shit! That wasn't in my contract!

(Someone runs over to Sally and pulls her aside. Everyone looks confused. Janelle comes in.)

Jock: Oh, look who's LATE. What were you doing, burning bras? Burning BOOKS? Books about BIG BREASTS? You sicken me!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Janelle: Guys, there's something I need to tell you...

(Sally comes back over in a hurry and interrupts.)

Sally: The HEAD OF NASA just sent a message to me, for Janelle. The message is "five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money." She said you'd know what it means.

Janelle: Damn you. DAMN IT ALL.

DJ: ...I'm sure that'll all make sense later!

Heidi: So what did you want to tell us? Tee hee?

Janelle: Oh it's...nothing. Nothing at all...

Sally: THEN GET IN THE SIMULATOR!

(She beats them all with her stick until they have no choice but to get in the shuttle simulator or suffer further beatings. Whiskerton tries to scratch her again but a security guard grabs him and throws him in the simulator. Inside the window shows a simulated starfield.)

Jock: Well, this isn't so bad.

(The simulator starts violently rocking back and forther.)

Jock: AAAAAH! We've been attacked by aliens! They're going to probe us and check our prostates!

Janelle: There's no such thing as aliens, idiot!

Jock: Haven't you seen STAR WARS?

Janelle: No! I haven't!

(Studio audience boo.)

DJ: Star Wars is great! I love Kirk and Ezri Dax!

Jock: ...dude, that's Star TREK. The one for nerds. You're...you're not a secret nerd, are you?

DJ: ...haha, I was just messing! I love Star Wars! Rey is the best!

Jock: DUDE that's Disney Star Wars! You're not supposed to like that!

DJ: Uhh, I mean, I like the one with Jar Jar then...

Jock: NO! You're only supposed to like the same Star Wars as me! The ones with Flash Gordon in them!

Heidi: Why is this happening?

Janelle: God this money better be worth it...

(A simulated asteroid strikes the shuttle and it CATCHES FIRE.)

Jock: Wow, so realistic!

Sally(from outside): THIS IS NOT PART OF THE SIMULATION, GET OUT FAST!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(The shuttle is shown from the outside. It is burning up fast. Jock, DJ, Janelle and Heidi make their way out of the flames, all coughing.)

Janelle: We need died for this charade!

DJ: Wait, where's Whiskerton!?

(Whiskerton jumps out from Heidi's cleavage.)

Whiskerton: Miaow! *coughs*

(Studio audience: Aww!)

Jock: So that was all real, huh.

Sally: No you fool it was a simulation.

Jock: Oh, so just the ASTEROID was real.

Sally: NO!

Jock: Then why did the shuttle catch fire!?

Sally: ...because I hit it too hard with the stick. The production really skimped on the props. It's a cheap shuttle, prone to catching fire when hit by a stick.

(The same person from the previous episode runs over to Sally and whispers something to her.)

Sally: ...and now I've been fired. I hated playing this character anyway!

(She throws her stick down and storms off. Everyone else looks confused.)

Heidi: You know, some of these NASA employees don't talk the way you'd expect NASA employees to talk. Tee hee!

DJ: Yeah there's something going on here, Jock. Something WACK.

Jock: I think you might be right...

Janelle: I was wondering when you'd all figure it out. Guess I can't keep a secret anymore. The truth is...

Voice: YOU'RE ALL GOING TO THE MOON TOMORROW!

(They all spin round to see that it was the HEAD OF NASA who spoke. She's just appeared out of a TRAPDOOR with Sarge.)

Jock: Shiiiit, really?

Head of NASA: Shiiiiit yeah! You five have been the most impressive astronauts we've ever had in NASA. You've mastered all the key skills astronauts need in just a week of training! That's why I'm moving your mission to the moon forward, to tomorrow!

Janelle: Come on, they're not going to fall for...

Jock and DJ: WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON! YES!

(They do the CAT CLEANERS SHUFFLE.)

Heidi: Tee hee!

Janelle: Sigh.

Sarge: Stop being so negative, Janelle, or you won't get to go to the moon with the others and receive EVERYTHING THAT'S COMING YOUR WAY. Understand?

Janelle: Yeah...I guess I do. But this moon trip better be convinving.

DJ: What does she mean by that?

Head of NASA: She's just being SILLLY, right Janelle? There's HALF A MILLION reasons why you're just being silly.

Janelle: Yeah. That's it. Silly. Silly old Janelle. Tee hee.

Heidie: Tee hee!

Sarge: Now get some sleep, maggots! There's be no sleeping on the moon!

Jock: ...why not?

Sarge: You'll have nightmares about aliens!

Jock: Aaaaah, aliens!

(Jock jumps into DJ's arms scared. Aliens are his biggest fear.)

DJ: Don't worry, I'll keep you safe. Unless there's GHOSTS on the moon! I hate ghosts!

(He drops Jock on the ground in fear.)

Head of NASA: ...anyway, yeah, you're going to the moon, blah blah blah, get up early, put your spacesuits on, rocket is taking off at 9 am, you don't want to miss it.

Sarge: It's going to be...OUT OF THIS WORLD!

(Head of NASA and Sarge make out.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ, Janelle, Heidi and Whiskerton walk out of the barracks wearing FULL SPACESUITS. Studio audience "WOOOOOOO!" There's a huge SPACE ROCKET in the distance. They all stare at it, the sun shining in their faces.)

Jock: I can't believe it! We're really going to the moon!

DJ: Part of me thought it was all some big con...

Janelle: Really...

DJ: But then I remembered how awesome I am! Of ocurse I'm going to the moon, with my best friends Jock and Whiskerton! And two girls!

(Jock and DJ high five. The Head of NASA and Sarge come out of an UNDERGROUND TUNNEL in front of them.)

Sarge: STAND STRAIGHT, MAGGOTS. If you slouch on the moon, the gravity will probably snap your spine!

Heidi: I didn't know you were a scientist, Sarge? Tee hee!

Sarge: NO GIGGLING ON THE MOON EITHER! What if an alien hears you and the giggling gives your position away and the alien eats your spine?

Jock: This guy's sure obsessed with spines!

Sarge: YOU NEED A SPINE ON THE MOON, MAGGOTS!

Janelle: So you're really going through with this, then.

Head of NASA: That's right, there's no reason not to, IS THERE JANELLE?

(She rubs her hands together in a way that signifies MONEY.)

Janelle: ...guess not.

Sarge: ATTENTION! It's now time for you to enter your space rocket where Al the Astronaut will fly you to the moon.

Jock: Wait, we're not flying it ourselves? What a ripoff!

Sarge: You've had no training in how to fly a space rocket! The one time you were in the shuttle simulator it caught fire!

Jock: We could have winged it!

DJ: Yeah, I've played a lot of SPACE INVADERS in my local ARCADE!

(Studio audience cheer this topical reference.)

Sarge: Shut up or I'll punch you in the spine! It's time for you all to enter the rocket. For security reasons you'll be entering it via these UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.

Janelle: And what security reasons would those be?

Sarge: Well you've got that camera crew following you recording that documentary about your trip to the moon. We can't have them learning all our NASA secret!

Janelle: They could just stop filming until we're on the rocket.

(The head of NASA makes the money gesture agan.)

Janelle: Sigh. Let's get in the tunnels, idiots.

Jock, DJ and Heidi: WHOOP WHOOP!

(They get the in the tunnel.)

Head of NASA: Good luck! And remember, the fate of the world depends on your journey to the moon!

Jock: What? How!?

Head of NASA: Oh, you're going there to find a solution to global warming. Didn't I mention that before? Anyway, no time to delay! Off you go, don't want to miss the rocket! Another one won't be taking off for hours!

(The walk through the dark tunnel, unable to see anything.)

DJ: We could be going anywhere!

(Finally they come out and into another tunnel. This one leads right into the rocket.)

Jock: That tunnel must have been up against the side of the rocket!

Heidi: Weird, I didn't feel us going up at any time and the rocket wasn't underground...

Jock: NASA magic, baby!

Heidi: Tee hee!

(AL THE ASTRONAUT is there to gree them.)

Al: Hello, brave Americans. Your trip to the moon...begins now!

(CUT BACK TO Head of NASA and Sarge watching on secret monitors again.)

Head of NASA: And now our HIGHEST RATING EVER for their REALITY TV SHOW begins!

Sarge: That was an odd sentence.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Last edited:
(Jock, DJ, Janelle, Heidi and Whiskerton are in the cockpit of the command module with Al The Astroanut.)

DJ: Hey, why isn't the window open? I want to watch us taking off!

Al: The sun is too bright! It'll blind me and I'll crash the rocket into a river or something! I have to leave the shutters on.

DJ: Oh.

Janelle: How convenient.

Al: Anyway, strap yourselves in, and that cat too, we're going to the moon!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Make it so, Doctor Spock!

(Studio audience explode for this clever Star Trek reference.)

Al: What?

Jock: Use the force, Han!

(Studio audience implode.)

Al: Huh?

Jock: Use your IRON MAN SUIT to fly to the moon, IRON MAN!

(Studio audience start chanting "JOCK, JOCK, JOCK!")

Al: None of that made sense! Now sit your butts down so I can take off before the rocket EXPLODES!

Heidi: What do you mean?

Al: The rocket has to explode so we can take off! That's how it works! The explosion will throw us into space. But we have to take off at the same time, otherwise the explosion will just kill us!

Janelle: ...you don't seriously expect them to fall for that, do you?

Jock, DJ and Heidi: Aaaaaah, we're going to die!

Whiskerton(scared): Miaow!?

(They all sit down quickly and put their seatbelts on. Janelle sighs and joins them.)

Al: Three...two...ones...BLAST OFF!

(The cockpit starts shaking violently. Then it stops.)

Al: We're away! Successful take-off!

Janelle: Shame we can't see any evidence that this is real!

Al: I'll open the shutters once we get into space and away from the sun, okay!

Jock: I can't believe it. We're all the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh person and first cat to go into space, after Neil Legstrong and Buzz Lightyear!

Janelle: ...no part of that is true.

Whiskerton: Miaow?

Janelle: I'm pretty sure the Russians sent a cat into space once, Whiskerton. It died.

Whiskerton: MIAOW!

(Whiskerton scratches her in anger. Studio audienc cheer.)

Al: Don't start bleeding! The blood could get in the machinery and we'll crash into an asteroid!

DJ: Hey, when will the gravity cut out?

Al: Uhh, I'm flying in such a way that we'll have gravity until we get to the moon. And you'll be wearing special boots on the moon so it feels just like Earth.

DJ: Ah! That makes sense! Weird that they gave us that zero gravity training though!

Al: Probably just to be safe in case your blood got in the machinery and we crashed and the gravity cut out!

Heidi: Do you think we'll find a solution to the catastrophe facing Earth on the moon?

Al: What? Shit, I didn't read that part of the script...uhh, sure. We'll find a way to stop all thosse volcanoes!

Janelle: It's global warming we're trying to stop.

Al: ...the volcanoes are being CAUSED by global warming!

Jock: Volcanoes? Shit! I hope Uncle Mac, The Champ and Lucy are safe!

DJ: They're all dead, remembeR?

Jock: Oh yeah!

(He takes out a giant candy bar and starts eating it.)

Al: Anyway, it'll be a few hours until we get to the moon, so why don't you go and have a sleep. When you wake up we'll be there!

Heidi: That's strange, it took Apollo 11 three days. Tee hee!

Al: We have faster engines now! GO AND SLEEP.

(They all shrug and exit the cockpit, going into the sleeping area.)

SIX HOURS LATER

(Jock and DJ are woken by an alarm going off.)

Jock: I hope it's not the alien alarm!

DJ: I hope it's not the ghost alarm!

(They go into the cockpit where Al is clutching his chest.)

Al: It's the pilot in distress alarm...I'm having a heart attack!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ stare at Al who is still clutching his chest.)

Jock: Well...stop doing that then!

DJ: Yeah! We need you to land us on the moon and not crash into Mars or anything.

Al: It's serious...think I'm going to die...we're orbitting the moon, I left instructions on how to land the rocket...

(Heidi, Janelle and Whiskerton walk in.)

Whiskerton: Miaow?

Jock: Oh, it's no big deal, Whiskerton. Al's about to die and we have to land the ship on the moon instead of him. It'll be fine!

Heidi: FINE? FINE? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! TEE HEE!

Janelle (rolling her eyes): Oh no, what a dramatic twist.

Al: I need to get into the stasis pod...maybe if I freeze myself they'll be able to cure my heart attack back on Earth...gack!

(He leaves the cockpit.)

DJ: He'll be okay!

Heidi: Shouldn't one of us have helped him?

Jock: Nah, we need to land the ship on the moon! Otherwise we could drift into the asteroid belt and be killed!

Janelle: You just made that up.

Jock: Anyway, the instructions are pretty simple. I just have to point this joystick down...

(He points the joystick down. The cockpit starts shaking.)

Jock: Now I have to ease up on the throttle...

(The cockpit shakes slightly less.)

Jock: And spin it around so we land!

(He spins it around and there's a loud noise.)

Jock: I just landed us on the moon!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: Well let's get out there and stare at the majesty of God's creation!

Jock: The note also says that the magnetic boots we're wearing mean that the gravity will seem like normal on the moon.

Janelle: Wow, how covenient and scientific.

(They open the hatch and exit the lander. They step out onto the moon, Jock, DJ, Janelle and Whiskerton in awe. It looks like the moon usually looks on tv. The sky is completely dark.)

DJ: Weird that we can't see the Earth!

Jock: The note said it's just out of view at this time of day!

(They all walks around on the moon.)

Heidi: It's kind of boring, really.

Jock: Yeah. We can't even jump really high because of the boots.

DJ: Hey, what's that?!

(Something just moved behind a moon rock.)

Jock: ALIENS!

Janelle: It's probably just a camera man...

(A figure steps out from behind the rock. It is man-sized but completely covered in BANDAGES from head to toe.)

DJ: IT'S A MUMMY!

Jock: A MOON MUMMY!

Heidi: IT'S GOING TO SUCK OUR BLOOD!

(They all start running away. The mummy runs after them. Jock trips on a moon rock and the mummy looms over him.)

Jock: I always knew I'd die like this!

(Suddenly Whiskerton jumps into the moon mummy's face. The moon mumy stumbles around as Whiskerton claws at his bandages. The moon mummy finally gets a grip of Whiskerton and throws him away. Whiskerton landson his feet, of course!)

Jock: Good cat! I probably should have got up and ran away while you were doing that!

(The moon mummy steps towards Jock again, but suddenly Heidi hits it in the back of the head with a moon rock shaped like a penis. The moon mummy is knocked out.)

Heidi: I learned THAT in self defence class!

Janelle: Shit you killed that guy!

DJ: That's no man! It's a hideous moonbeast! Look, Whiskerton ripped the bandage away on his fast! He looks horribly deformed!

Janelle: That just looks like a burn. It's just a man.

DJ: Oh yeah? Then I'm going to unbandage him to prove he's a monster intent on eating us!

(DJ starts to unwrap the bandages on the man's face. Then he, Jock and Whiskerton gasp in shock.)

Janelle: What, don't tell me you know this guy or something!

(Though the face is burned it is unmistakable.)

Jock and DJ: UNCLE MAC!?!?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ and Whiskerton are still staring in horror at the unconscious Uncle Mac. Janelle and Heidi look confused.)

Heidi: Tee hee! Who's Uncle Mac?

Jock: He's my uncle! He's a nutty guy! He thought in every world war, on both sides! He was once married to the Queen of Britland! He invented dog leads! He once travelled through time and erased Billy Guitar from history!

Heidi: Who's Billy Guitar?

Jock: Exactly! He's done it all!

Janelle: Let me guess, he told you all of this himself.

Jock: Well, yes, but I've got no reason not to believe it's all true!

DJ: He also burned to death in a fire.

Jock: And it turns out he'd lived on the moon all along!

Janelle: Wait, go back to him burning to death in a fire.

DJ: It's true! He set our Cat Cleaning shop on fire for the insurance money that he forgot to pay and burned to death along with all our closest friends! It was a bummer!

Jock: Yeah we saw the firemen drag his charred corpes out. I could tell it was him because he was wearing his charred "UNCLE MAC" t-shirt that he always wore.

DJ: Turns out he's a zombie moon man! That actually explains a lot!

Heidi: How is he breathing without a spacesuit?

DJ: Duh, he's a zombie! They eat brains isntead of breathing. Cover your brains, everyone!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Jock: You're right, Whiskerton, he is wkaing up!

(Jock hits Mac in the head hard with the rock shaped like a penis again to knock him back out/kill him.)

Heidi: What did you do that for? We could have gotten some answers!

Jock: And some brain biting!

Janelle: He would have starved to death if he had to live on the brains of you three. And look, he's obviously not a zombie. This...isn't...really...the...

(The ground starts to shake.)

DJ: Argh! Moonearthquake!

Jock: What if the moon hits the Earth like in Armageddon? Which one of us will blow it up like Bruce Willis?

Heidi: Aren't we hear to solve global warming or something?

Janelle: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. Stop the moonquake. STOP IT.

(The ground stops shaking.)

Jock: You...you stopped it. You're a moon person too! YOU AND UNCLE MAC!

DJ: She's the secret wife he always talked about! The moon with the huge breasts!

(He looks at Janelle's chest.)

DJ: ...she must have had a reduction!

(Studio audience explode.)

Janelle: No you absolute MORONS. I don't know how your stupid burnt uncle got here, but this IS NOT the moon!

Jock: Where is it then, Mars?

DJ: YOUR URANUS?

(They high five despite DJ messing up the joke.)

Janelle: IT'S A TV STUDIO! THIS IS A REALITY TV SHOW. They decided to trick four people into believing they'd gone to the moon! Three morons and me, a very intelligent woke woman, to prove that the woke are idiots too!

Heidi: I'm not a moron! I have a degree in art history! Tee hee!

Janelle: I like you, Heidi, but you do say "tee hee" a lot for someone who isn't a moron.

Heidi: I have Tourette's! Tee hee!

Janelle: Oh, sorry.

DJ: Wait a minute, if this is all fake and you knew all along, how come you came to the moon with us?

Janelle: I figured it out on day one and went to confront the head of NASA. She's really a reality tv producer, by the way, and Sarge is her husband and co-producer. Anyway, I said I wasn't going to go along with the lies and...she offered to pay me a quarter of a million dollars to keep up the lie. I decided to take it because I could do a lot of good with that money! And buy clothes!

(Studio audience boo. Suddenly Uncle Mac stands up, holding a gun.)

Jock: Where was that gun!

Uncle Mac: Up my ass! And yes, it's true, this isn't the moon. I know the truth. The whole, shocking truth! And now you're going to listen to it...OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ALL!

Heidi: Tee hee!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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(Uncle Mac is still holding a gun to Jock, DJ, Heidi, Janelle and Whiskerton.)

DJ: Janelle already told us the truth, so you can put that ass-gun away!

Uncle Mac: Ha! Janelle THINKS she's knows what's gong on but she was lied to as well! She thinks she's so smart for figuring out that this isn't Earth's moon that she believed the lie because it strokes her ego like I used to stroke Whiskerton before my hands were burned off!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

Uncle Mac: It hurts to even point this gun! Everythings hurts! ESPECIALLY THE LIES. Don't you want to know the truth?

Janelle: You already said it yourself, this isn't Earth's moon! It's all a stupid reality tv show!

Uncle Mac: Ha! You would think that! The truth is much more sinister! No, we're not on Earth's moon...we're on the moon of MARS!

Jock: ZOINKS!

Heidi: But Mars has no moon! Tee hee!

Uncle Mac: That's what THEY want you to think! The Martians who run the government!

Janelle: Oh God...

Uncle Mac: Exactly! Now you see all the sense I'm making and it is blinding you! Martians have taken over Earth's government and only Head of NASA and Sarge can stand against them! They've sent us to the moon of Mars where the Martian king lives to KILL HIM. That's why you were all trained in the deadly arts!

DJ: Were we?

Uncle: Yes! In your sleep! That's why you don't remember!

Jock: I can find no PLOTHOLES in his story!

DJ: Just like in my favourite movie, the fifth Transformers movie!

Uncle Mac: I stowed away on your space rocket because I knew you'd need my help killing the King of Mars. I've killed Kings before. Like Joe King!

Janelle: Listen, you crazy burned old man, I don't know why you're making up this stupid story, but the fact that you're here without a spacesuit proves that we're on Earth!

Heidi: Oh yeah!

Uncle Mac: Ha! The reason I'm not wearing a spacesuit is because the moon of Mars has a breathable atmosphere! How else do you think the King of Mars lives here? Take off your space helmets to prove me right!

(Jock, DJ and Heidi take off their space helmets and gasp.)

Jock: It's true! I can breathe! That means we must be on the moon of Mars!

DJ: You can't argue with science!

Janelle: You fools, you can breathe on Earth!

Jock: Not after the Martians poison our atmosphere with their DEATH FARTS! They have those, right Uncle Mac?

Uncle Mac: Probably! Now let's go to the palace and assassinate the King of Mars with our fists!

DJ: What about that gun?

Uncle Mac: It's made out of chocolate!

(He bites the barrel of the gun off.)

Janelle: Okay, so either the prodcuers sent you and they've built a fake palace or we won't be able to findone because this is an Earth's moon set and...

Heidi: MARTIANS!

(Janelle rolls her eyes.)

Janelle: Come on, you're not this dumb!

(Heidi points over her shoulder. Janelle reluctantly turns around and sees a dozen dark figures in EVIL LOOKING SPACESUITS heading their way.)

Jock: Run like fun!

(They all run away.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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I was totally looking on Netflix and Hulu for this. I THOUGHT IT WAS A SHOW! And don't google, "Cat Cleaners" because IT AINT PRETTY! P.S. I'm going to totally read this after I calm down and stop ranting.
Okay.
 
WELL GOOD THING THE ASTRONAUTS WEREN'T FEMALE BECAUSE THEY WOULDN"T BE ABLE TO FIND SUITS FOR THEM TO WEAR IN SPACE! WHAT KIND OF BUILLSHIT IS THAT?

Okay, I am going to go on to sentence 3 now.
 
(Janelle stops running.)

Janelle: Are you just security guards wearing spacesuit costumes, sent by the Head of NASA (who is actually a reality tv show producer) to fool us into thinking you're Martians?

(The men in evil spacesuits look at each other. One takes his helmet off.)

Security Guard: Well, yes.

Second Security Guard: It was a pretty stupid plan, really.

Janelle: This whole thing is pretty stupid and needs to end now.

Jock: It could still be a Martian trick!

DJ: Uncle Mac wouldn't lie!

Uncle Mac: Actually, I did. I'm sorry, kids. None of this is real. It's all just a tv show.

Heidi: Meta, tee hee!

(Head of NASA and Sarge walk onto the moon.)

Head of NASA: Well congratulations, Uncle Mac, if that is your real name. You've ruined our tv show!

Sarge: Our two hundred viewers are going to be pissed!

Janelle: At least the lies are finally over.

Head of NASA: And you're not getting your money, Janelle!

Janelle: Good! It would have just corrupted me!

Heidi: But you could have bought a horse! And ridden it to the bank!

Janelle: I don't care. It's better to be poor and honest than rich and a liar.

(She waits for the studio audience to applaud but they don't.)

Jock: So why did you tell us all that stuff about being on Mars, Uncle Mac?

Uncle Mac: I just wanted to be part of your fun story! So I made up a crazy lie. Does that make me evil?

Jock: Yes.

DJ: So what happens now?

Head of NASA: Now? I have my security guards beat the ever living shit out of you for ruining my show.

Janelle: Wait what.

Head of NASA: DO IT.

(The security guards begin to violently kick and punch Jock, DJ, Heidi, Janelle, Uncle Mac and even Whiskerton. It is horribly violently and the studio audience are stunned into silence. The beating continues until all six are unconscious.)

Sarge: Man, that was a bit much.

Head of NASA: Well, we don't need this fake moon set anymore. Security guards, burn it down.

(The begin pouring petrol all over the set.)

Sarge: I guess we'll be moving the badly beated people and cat off the set first...

Head of NASA: No. Burn them along with it. Send them all to Hell.

(The fire is lit as our heroes don't even stir. They are surrounded by flames, completely unaware that their lives are about to end.)

Sarge: ...I think I want a divorce!

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
(Jock wakes up. DJ, Heidi, Janelle, Uncle Mac and Whiskerton are still unconscious. They are completely surrounded by fire with no hope of escape. Jock covers his mouth but coughs as he does. He sees DJ stirring and shakes him to wake him up.)

Jock: DJ...DJ! Are you still alive?

DJ(coughing): I think so. My body hurts so much, they really did a number one me.

Jock: Me too. They kicked me right in the kidney. I can't even stand, DJ. I'm...I'm scared.

DJ: Me too, man. Me too. Never thought I'd die like this: burned to death by a tv executive on a fake moon set.

Jock: It was never how I wanted to go out. But I guess you can't choose how your life ends...only how you live it.

DJ: Should we wake the others?

Jock: It would be cruel too. It's better this way...they don't know they're about to die.

DJ: Even Whiskerton wans't spared...what kind of a person is Head of NASA?

Jock: Pure evil, DJ. I've always lived my life happy go lucky, pretending that evil doesn't exist. Ignoring it, trying to think the best of people. Maybe that's why this is happening. Maybe I was too naive. Maybe I brought this fate on allof us.

DJ: Don't say that, man.

Jock: It's true! It was my stupid idea to go to the stupid moon. I should have known it wasn't real. Shouldn't have talked you into it. You're my best friend, man, the best friend I ever had. And look how it turned out.

DJ: I followed you willingly, Jock. I had my eyes opened. And you're the best friend I ever had too. I don't regret a minute of our friendship, dude. All our crazy adventures.

Jock: I wish we were back at Cat Cleaners. Things were simpler then. All we had to do was clean cats and deal with wacky comedy characters. This...this is too real.

(Jock starts coughing hard, choking on the smoke.)

DJ: The end is coming...

Jock: I'm glad you're here with me, Darren.

DJ: I can't think of anyone else I'd rather die with.

(Jock reaches out his hand to DJ. DJ takes it in his. They both close their eyes, waiting together for death to come. Suddenly some of the flames start to go out, sprayed by foam from fire extinguishers. Two people come stepping through the flames. We can't see who they are. They start dragging the unconscious bodies away. But is it too late?)

Voiceover: Jock, it's time to wake up now. Come on. I believe in you.

(We see the world through Jock's eyes as he wakes up. He's in a hospital. He slowly sits up in bed. He looks around him. DJ, Janelle, Heidi, Uncle Mac and even Whiskerton are all lying in hospital beds, wired but seemingly all still alive. Two people are standing with their backs to Jock, checking on DJ.)

Jock: You...you saved my life. You saved all of us. But who are? And how?

(The two people turn around.)

Lucy and The Champ: Who else would it have been?

TO BE CONCLUDE (the network ordered one more episode)
 
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(Jocks sits up in bed in shock.)

Jock: LUCY!? THE CHAMP? THE CHAMP AND LUCY!? LUCY AND THE CHAMP!?

The Champ: He's got brain damage from the fire, Lucy!

Lucy: No, he was always like this.

The Champ: Oh yeah.

Jock: You two are alive! But how! You burned to death in the fire that destroyed Cat Cleaners!

The Champ: Sucka, there was no fire!

Lucy: Yeah, didn't Mac tell you? The fire was all fake. The tv company set it up so you and DJ would have no choice but to go to the moon.

Jock: But why did you two pretend to be dead, and Mac?

The Champ: They were paying us too! Obviously!

Lucy: Yeah, I felt kind of bad about tricking you and DJ into thinking I was dad, but it was so much money!

The Champ: I didn't feel bad about it at all.

Jock: So why did you come down to the studio?

Lucy: After Uncle Mac escaped from the safehouse we locked him up in, we thought he might ruin everything by revealing you weren't really on the moon. So we came here so The Champ could punch him into unconsciousness. But then we found you guys had been set on fire by the head of NASA.

The Champ: NASA! Always trying to screw the black man over! Am I right, DJ?

(He holds up his hand for a high five but DJ is in a coma and doesn't respond)

Jock: I mean, it was us who NASA nearly killed, and we're not all black...

The Champ: Yeah but they're not going to pay me now! I'll have to go back to boxing! I hate boxing! You get punched in the head a lot!

Lucy: Look, the important thing is that you, DJ, Whiskerton and those two new female characters who aren't needed now I'm back are still alive.

The Champ: Shame Head of NASA escaped and is starting random fires all over the city!

(He puts the tv in the hospital room on and it shows that the city is on fire. The words "MANY DEAD" appear on screen.)

Jock: If only we could catch her somehow...

(Head of NASA appears in the doorway holding a can of gasoline.)

Head of NASA: Too late! There's no stopping me! I hated being the head of NASA and then faking moon landings for tv shows! The only thing that's ever made me happy is starting fires! And now I'm going to burn down this entire hospital!

(Janelle wakes up from her coma.)

Janelle: Wait you really were the Head of NASA and later decided to be a tv producer? I thought the whole NASA thing was just fake...

Head of NASA: Shut up! Only flames can silence you!

(She starts pouring the gasoline. Uncle Mac, DJ, Heidi and Whiskerton wake up from their comas.)

Jock: Hi guys! We're all about to die!

The Champ: Wait I can just stop her by punching her!

(He runs over to punch her but head of NASA shoots a fireball out of her hands and it knocks him violently back.)

Head of NASA: I have fire powers!

(Suddenly Sarge hits her in the back of the head with a bedpan.)

Sarge: There is no excuse for what I have been a part of.

(He runs and throws himself through the hospital window and plunges to his death.)

DJ: Well, that ties up all the loose ends!

Lucy: What are you guys going to do now? Come back to Cat Cleaners?

Jock: Yeah, but I think it's time for a change.

Uncle Mac: You're going to burn it down for the insurance money?

Heidi: Tee hee, I like this Uncle Mac and his lack of memory!

Uncle Mac: Who the fuck are you.

Jock: No. I think it's time to turn Cat Cleaners..into a bar!

Whiskerton: Miaow!

(Everyone jumps up on their hospital beds and starts dancing except The Champ who is possibly dead on the floor. A doctor walks in and finds Head of NASA's body.)

Doctor: The fifth bedpan murder this week!

THE END

BUT CAT CLEANERS WILL RETURN

NEXT YEAR
 
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