Co-workers

[Archibald Nixon]

Half an hour ago, in my 20' x 30' x 8' office, with 3 other deskbound co-workers, including this one:

Donny Zevo: (sneezing, but deliberately and obnoxiously adding extra volume to the sneeze): WAAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Nobody responds. Somewhere on Donny's infinite list of pet peevs is one about people not saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes. Typically I say "bless you" reflexively and that satisfies him, but this latest foghorn attempt at amusing himself at the expense of those of us who are forced to put up with him makes me hold my tongue. Donny Zevo generally spends most of his waking life awash in the attitude that the world forgot to give him a blowjob that morning, and this latest snub gets him creased, so he takes matters into his own hands.

Donny Zevo: (to the room) God bless you!

He turns back to his desk, shaking his head at the injustice of it all, and this is just too much for me.

Archibald Nixon: I was gonna say "bless you", Don, but when you added the volume to it I figured God himself must've heard you.

Donny Zevo: (muttering to himself; continuing to shake his head) I'm all right guys. Don't ask me if I'm okay or anything.

***

All dialogue verbatim.

 

[Cassie]

Next time he does it, get up and run over to him and perform the Heimlich maneuver on him, while shouting, CAN YOU BREATH SPEAK TO ME OMG CALL AN AMBULANCE HE'S GONNA DIE.

 

[Archibald Nixon]

Not a bad idea, except that I don't ever want to touch him.

 

[Cassie]

My stepfather has unusually loud sneezes.

 

[Yub]

1. Assemble various co-workers who loathe him.
2.Get a sexy co-worker to lure him into the stairwell.
3. Have assembled co-workers kick his arse.
4. ????
5. PROFIT.

 

[Donovan]

Next time he sneezes like that and makes a fuss, pick up the phone like it rang, say hello, then cover the mouth piece and get Donnie's attention. Tell him in a loud whisper, "It's God. he says to go fuck yourself. Should I take a message?"

Do this when others are present and you'll never hear another emo bitch about whether or not you blessed his stupid ass.

 

[Archibald Nixon]

No...that would only play into his intractible martyr complex. Nobody appreciates him, blah blah blah.

The obnoxiousness is only incidental, btw. His real problem is the most incredible diarrhea-of-the-mouth I've encountered in decades. I mean he never fucking stops talking. He's essentially Elmo Blatch from Shawshank Redemption, in the body of a 30-year-old guido wigger douche from Long Island. Telling him to flat-out shut the fuck up will succeed in making him do so for about twenty minutes, while he sulks and generates a torrential mixture of rejoinders, threats, braggadocio, etc --which he will never unload on the offender in question; choosing instead to let it loose on those who haven't yet been worn down by his unceasing bullshit.

Behavior modification is impossible at this point. It's his energy that's the root of the problem --he's a serious hyperactivity case. I think we may have to start spiking the water cooler with tranquilizers.