So one time, my brother chased me way out back into the barn. It was a sunny day, as I recall, because I always have memories of how he fucked me and muddled my screams from the rest of the choir whenever I look up at the sun. Or my blowup doll. It's hard to differentiate sometimes, because I put so much worth in both of them.
It was the day that my brother pulled the master sword out of my butt-tocks that I really understood what was behind all of this--the locusts were drawn to my storytelling, and only the hero of hyrule could defeat them.
So my brother went out and did that. But when he came back he tried to pick on me. That's when I got mad. So I chased him around the garage with a two by four until he stumbled and that's when I crushed his skull. Every since that day he hasn't chased me.
What I learned from that day is that sooner or later I will be an admin at Troll kingdom. What I also learned is that people should not mess around with me, because sooner or later a 2 by 4 wielding coyote will come after them.
On seventeen ninety-three, approximately one hundred and eighty thousand pounds of TL was harvested in the United States. Two years later, that harvest grew to more than six million pounds; by eighteen ten, an astounding ninety three million pounds was brought to harvest.
The reason for this growth?
The tl;dr, invented in the latter part of seventeen ninety-three by Mr. Fitzlollerberg.
Born in Westborough, Massachusetts, in seventeen sixty-five, Mr. Fitzlollerberg found an early interest in machinery. Working in his father’s woodworking shop, Fitzlollerberg could be found taking apart such items as pocket watches and clocks, studying the intricate mechanisms and then putting their parts together again.
At the relatively early age of fourteen, he had opened his own nail-making business and then a pin-making shop, earning a fairly good wage for his efforts.
After being graduated from Yale University in seventeen ninety-two, Fitzlollerberg, in need of money to pay off some outstanding debts, accepted a private tutoring position on a plantation in Georgia owned by a Mrs. Catharine Greene. Because of his interest in mechanics, he took to heart the seriousness of doubts and growing difficulties in cotton production that were presented to him by the local planters. With his experience and success in mechanical problems, Fitzlollerberg took it upon himself to find a feasible answer to the growers’ woes.
Not long after listening to the growers speak of their troubles, Fitzlollerberg began to experiment and arrived at his basic design of the tl;dr. This machine was created to ease the tremendous burdens of those who labored to pick the seeds from the cotton. Many labored under difficult conditions, and even under good conditions, one could manage to clean only one pound of the crop a day.
With his invention, Fitzlollerberg made it possible to clean fifty pounds per day.
Fitzlollerberg had arrived at a basic design: a cylinder, through which the cotton was fed, with wire teeth. The raw cotton from the field could be fed through the cylinder and as it spun round, the teeth would pass through small slits in a piece of wood, pulling the fibers of the cotton all the way through but leaving the unwanted seeds behind.
This crudely made box, with a cylinder, a crank, and a row of saw-like teeth had made it possible to clean fifty times more cotton than could be cleaned by hand.
It is said to have begun the Industrial Revolution, and made an immediate impact upon American industry.
Fitzlollerberg’s tl;dr, with the help of a few men, or mules, cleaned more cotton in a matter of minutes than a team of men could do in an entire day. With the adaptation of James What’s steam engine to drive the tl;dr, the process became entirely mechanized, leading to a whole new industrial frontier in America.
The largest result of this mechanization was the tumultuous increase in cotton production, which helped to revive a badly lagging economy in the Deep South. Once again farmers and growers were finding profits, thanks to this labor and time saving device.
The industry of farming, however, was about to be changed forever.
Before the invention that changed the way cotton was cleaned and readied for processing, there were only two cash crops, or non-food crops, that were grown in America: tobacco and indigo, which was used in the dye-making process. Although it was abundant, cotton did not prove, before the invention of the gin, anywhere close to being a profitable crop. But with the gin, cotton very quickly began to rival in profit the industry of growing tobacco.
With the advent of the tl;dr, the boundaries of agriculture soon became almost limitless. Cotton, requiring very little more than air to flourish, was soon found growing and thriving in places previously unheard of, such as Texas. Acres of land that had been dormant because of poor growing capabilities were found to be filled with cotton; this land that had been barren for so long now held a very profitable crop that could enhance a grower’s finances.
The rules of crop rotation, a farming technique used to give rest to much-abused soil, quickly changed with the coming of the tl;dr, too. Suddenly farmers who had been willing to let sit idle certain sections of their land began growing cotton in the acres set aside for a season of rest.
The economy of the southern states was changed with this new type of agriculture. Quickly the food-farmers were pushed aside in the move to create large and expansive co-op farms. Because so many farmers had switched from growing food to growing cotton, the supply of food had greatly decreased.
Another impact upon the economy was realized with a sudden dependence upon cotton production. Entire communities were without much notice forced to depend upon the price and abundance of a single crop. When the cotton industry stumbled, so, too, did the south. On the other hand, when cotton did well, many farmers would rush to make a gain and overproduce the crop. This sometimes resulted in price drops that proved to be catastrophic to a vast majority of growers.
The issue of slavery was also greatly impacted by the invention of the tl;dr. Prior to this invention, slavery had become less favorable with Americans. Because of the huge numbers of new immigrants to the United States, labor had become cheap enough that many farmers found it necessary to pay. Suddenly, as the gin made dramatically improved ways to produce cotton, the need for labor was made more imperative to the livMr.hood of those who grew the crop.
Larger and larger fields of cotton were needed to keep up with demand; along with the increased production of the crop was the need for laborers to glean it. The influx of immigrants to America had produced many more laborers for such a task, but these peoples were reluctant to undertake such terrible and difficult work; they could find easier and less painful ways to earn a living. Once again, slave labor was sought by land owners.
Although considered to be among the most important inventions in the role of economics in America, and beyond, the tl;dr also played a social role as its appearance is said to have caused the continuance of slavery in America, until its dissolution at the end of the Civil War.
The Second Sino-Japanese War began in 1937 when Japan attacked deep into China from its foothold in Manchuria. On July 7, 1937, Japan, after occupying Manchuria in 1931, launched another attack against China near Beijing. The Japanese made initial advances but were stalled in the Battle of Shanghai. The city eventually fell to the Japanese in December 1937, and the capital city Nanking (now Nanjing) also fell. As a result, the Chinese government moved its seat to Chongqing for the rest of the war. The Japanese forces committed brutal atrocities against civilians and prisoners of war in the Rape of Nanking, slaughtering as many as 300,000 civilians within a month. The war by 1940 had reached a stalemate with both sides making minimal gains. The Chinese had successfully defended their land from oncoming Japanese on several occasions while strong resistance in areas occupied by the Japanese made a victory seem impossible to the Japanese. In time this regional war would merge with the wider World War.
British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain returns to England after negotiating the Munich agreement
In an attempt to keep the peace, and avoid another disastrous world war, the British and French had followed a policy of appeasement to placate Hitler. This policy lead eventually to the Munich Agreement to partition Czechoslovakia in 1938. British PM Neville Chamberlain returned to Britain, having given the Sudetenland to Germany, and famously declared ' peace in our time '. A few months later, in early 1939, Germany invaded the rest of Czechoslovakia killing appeasement and moving the world closer to the brink of war.
After the failure of the Munich agreement in March 1939, when German armies entered Prague and proceeded to occupy the remainder of Czechoslovakia, demonstrating that deals made with Hitler at the negotiating table could not be trusted and that his aspirations for power and dominance in Europe went far beyond anything that the western democracies could tolerate, Poland and France pledged on May 19, 1939 to provide each other with military assistance in the event either was attacked. The British had already offered support to the Poles in March, but then on August 23, Germany and the Soviet Union signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. The pact included a secret protocol which would divide Central Europe into German and Soviet areas of interest, including a provision to partition Poland. Each country agreed to allow the other a free hand in its area of influence, including military occupation. Hitler was now ready to go to war with Poland and, if necessary, with Britain and France over German grievances relating to the issues of the "free city" of Danzig and the "Polish corridor" in order to conquer Polish territory and incorporate it into the German Reich. The signing of a new alliance between Britain and Poland on August 25 did not significantly alter his plans.
On September 1, Germany invaded Poland, using the pretext of a "Polish attack" on German border posts, the "attack" was in fact staged by German operatives to create a (rather flimsy) justification for the all-out German "response". Two days later, Britain and France declared war on Germany. The French mobilized slowly, and then mounted only a token offensive in the Saar, which they soon abandoned, while the British could not take any direct action in support of the Poles in the time available (see Western betrayal). Meanwhile, on September 9, the Germans reached Warsaw, having slashed through the Polish defenses.
On September 17, Soviet troops occupied the eastern part of Poland, taking control of territory that Germany had agreed was in the Soviet sphere of influence. A day later the Polish president and commander-in-chief both fled to Romania.
On 1 October hostile forces, after a one-month siege of Warsaw, entered the city. The last Polish units surrendered on October 6. However, Poland never officially surrendered to the Germans. Some Polish troops evacuated to neighboring countries. In the aftermath of the September Campaign, occupied Poland managed to create a powerful resistance movement and contributed significant military forces to the Allies for the duration of World War II.
After Poland fell, Germany paused to regroup during the winter of 1939-1940 until April 1940, while the British and French stayed on the defensive. The period was referred to by journalists as "the Phony War," or the "Sitzkrieg," because so little ground combat took place. During this period the British and French governments began to re-arm with the French commencing completion of the Maginot Line. British citizens were also prepared as rations were brought in and bomb shelters were given to the public.
Meanwhile in the North Atlantic, German U-boats operated against Allied shipping. The submarines made up in skill, luck, courage and daring what they lacked in numbers. One U-boat sank the British aircraft carrier HMS Courageous, while another U-boat managed to sink the battleship HMS Royal Oak in its home anchorage of Scapa Flow. Altogether, the U-boats sank more than 110 vessels in the first four months of the war.
The battle of the Atlantic would last for the majority of the war and would be a very decisive theater of conflict. If the Atlantic had not been won and British shipping halted, the British would be isolated and be unable to fight on against Germany. During the beginning German U-boats would be involved in sinking thousands of tons of Anglo-American shipping.
The BEF, encircled in the north, was evacuated from Dunkirk in Operation Dynamo. The operation was one of the biggest military evacuations in history as hundreds of thousands of British and French troops were transported across the English Channel, not just on warships but also on civilan vessels including fishing and rowing boats.
On June 10 Italy joined the war, attacking France in the south. German forces then continued the conquest of France with Fall Rot (Case Red), advancing behind the Maginot Line and near the coast. France signed an armistice with Germany on June 22, 1940, leading to the direct German occupation of Paris and two thirds of France, and the establishment of a puppet state in southeastern France known as Vichy France.
Following the defeat of France, Britain chose to fight on, so Germany began preparations in summer of 1940 to invade Britain in Operation Sea Lion, while Britain made anti-invasion preparations. The first step Germany saw necessary was to gain air control over Britain by defeating the Royal Air Force. The war between the two air forces became known as the Battle of Britain. The Luftwaffe initially targeted RAF Fighter Command, but the results were not as expected, so the Luftwaffe later turned to terror bombing London. The Germans failed to defeat the Royal Air Force, and Operation Sea Lion was postponed and eventually canceled.
The Italian declaration of war in June 1940, challenging the British supremacy of the Mediterranean, hinged on Gibraltar, Malta, and Alexandria. Italian troops invaded and captured British Somaliland in August. In September, the North African Campaign began when Italian forces in Libya attacked British forces in Egypt. The aim was to make Egypt an Italian possession, especially the vital Suez Canal east of Egypt. British, Indian and Australian forces counter-attacked in Operation Compass, but this offensive stopped in 1941 when much of the Australian and New Zealand forces were transferred to Greece to defend it from German attack. However, German forces (known later as the Afrika Korps) under General Erwin Rommel landed in Libya and renewed the assault on Egypt.
Italy invaded Greece on October 28, 1940, from bases in Albania after the Greek Premier John Metaxas rejected an ultimatum to hand over Greek territory. Despite the enormous superiority of the Italian forces, the Greek army forced the Italians into a massive retreat deep into Albania. By mid-December, the Greeks occupied one-fourth of Albania. The Greek army had inflicted upon the Axis Powers their first defeat in the war, and Germany would soon be forced to intervene.
U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act on March 11. This program was the first large step away from American isolationism, providing for substantial assistance to the UK, the Soviet Union, and other countries.
On May 10, 1941 Rudolph Hess, Hitler's second in command parachuted into Renfrewshire, Great Britain to try and negotiate a truce between the United Kingdom and Nazi Germany. Many high level Germans including Rudolph Hess and Joseph Goebbels disliked fighting Britain due to the fact they saw it as a fellow Aryan superpower and saw it as a great ally. Hess's aircraft crashed when he attempted to parachute into Britain and was captured by British Forces. He was kept under arrest at the Tower of London and was brought to trial at the end of the war.
On April 6, 1941 Germany invaded Greece after the failure of the Italian invasion of Greece in 1940. Germany invaded through Bulgaria, who had joined the Axis Powers. Greek troops put up an incredibly brave and tenacious fight but the outnumbered and outgunned Greek army collapsed. However, the stubborn Greek resistance delayed the German invasion of the Soviet Union by six weeks, which proved disastrous when the German army froze on the outskirts of Moscow as a result of the Russian winter. The occupation of Greece would also be costly and difficult as guerrila warfare plagued the Axis Powers.
A month after the occupation of the Greek mainland, Germany invaded the Greek island of Crete. Crete itself was defended by around 40,000 primarily Greek and New Zealand soldiers. The Germans invaded the island through airborne attack on Crete's three airfields of Maleme, Rethimno, and Heraklion. The invasion was carried out by the elite 7 parachutist division followed by the elite 5th Mountain division. After one day the Nazis failed to capture any of their objectives and had suffered their bloodiest day in the war. During the next several days the Germans gained a foothold on Maleme in the west and were able to reinforce their position. Allied forces inflicted heavy casualties on the Germans but were forced to give ground. Unable to defend Crete, the Allies evacuated their remaining forces by June 1st, 1941. The Germans however had suffered horrendous casualties, so much so that Hitler forbid further airborne operations.
On May 9, the British destroyer HMS Bulldog captures a German U-Boat and recovers a complete, intact Enigma Machine. This was a vital turn in favor of the Allies in the Battle of the Atlantic, and in their code-breaking efforts. The machine was taken to Bletchley Park were it was used to help decipher and understand German encryption techniques.
In the summer of 1941, the United States began an oil embargo against Japan, which was a protest of Japan's incursion into French Indo-China and the continued invasion of China. Japan planned an attack on Pearl Harbor to cripple the U.S. Pacific Fleet before consolidating oil fields in the Dutch East Indies. On December 7, a Japanese carrier fleet launched a surprise air attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. The raid resulted in two U.S. battleships sunk, and six damaged but later repaired and returned to service. The raid failed to find any aircraft carriers and did not damage Pearl Harbor's usefulness as a naval base. The attack strongly united public opinion in the United States against Japan. The following day, December 8, the United States declared war on Japan. On the same day, China officially declared war against Japan. Germany declared war on the United States on December 11, even though it was not obliged to do so under the Tripartite Pact. Hitler hoped that Japan would support Germany by attacking the Soviet Union. Japan did not oblige, and this diplomatic move by Hitler proved a catastrophic blunder which unified the American public's support for the war.
Japan soon invaded the Philippines and the British colonies of Hong Kong, Malaya, Borneo, and Burma, with the intention of seizing the oilfields of the Dutch East Indies. Despite fierce resistance by American, Philippine, British, Canadian, and Indian forces, all these territories capitulated to the Japanese in a matter of months. The British island fortress of Singapore was captured in what Churchill considered one of the most humiliating British defeats of all time.
In May, top Nazi leader Reinhard Heydrich was assassinated by Czech resistance agents in Operation Anthropoid. Hitler ordered severe reprisals. (See Lidice).
On August 19, British and Canadian forces launched the Dieppe Raid (codenamed Operation Jubilee) on the German occupied port of Dieppe, France. The attack was a disaster but provided critical information utilized later in Operation Torch and Operation Overlord. Soviet winter and early spring offensives Main articles: Battle of Moscow, Toropets-Kholm Operation, Demyansk Pocket, Second Battle of Kharkov and Battles of Rzhev
In the north, Soviets launched the Toropets-Kholm Operation January 9 to February 6 1942, trapping a German force near Andreapol. The Soviets also surrounded a German garrison in the Demyansk Pocket which held out with air supply for four months (February 8 until April 21), and established themselves in front of Kholm, Velizh and Velikie Luki.
In the south, Soviet forces launched an offensive in May against the German Sixth Army, initiating a bloody 17 day battle around Kharkov which resulted in the loss of over 200,000 Red Army personnel. Axis summer offensive Main articles: Battle of Sevastopol, Battle of Voronezh (1942) and Battle of the Caucasus
On June 28, the Axis began their summer offensive. German Army Group B planned to capture the city of Stalingrad which would secure the German left while Army Group A planned to capture the southern oil fields. In the Battle of the Caucasus, fought in the late summer and fall of 1942, the Axis forces captured the oil fields. Stalingrad
After bitter street fighting which lasted for a couple of months, the Germans captured 90% of Stalingrad by November. The Soviets, however, had been building up massive forces on the flanks of Stalingrad. They launched Operation Uranus on November 19, with twin attacks that met at Kalach four days later and trapped the Sixth Army in Stalingrad. The Germans requested permission to attempt a break-out, which was refused by Hitler, who ordered Sixth Army to remain in Stalingrad where he promised they would be supplied by air until rescued. About the same time, the Soviets launched Operation Mars in a salient near the vicinity of Moscow. Its objective was to tie down Army Group Center and to prevent it from reinforcing Army Group South at Stalingrad.
In December German relief forces got within 50 kilometers (30 mi) of the trapped Sixth Army before they were turned back by the Soviets. By the end of the year, Sixth Army was in desperate condition, as the Luftwaffe was only able to supply about a sixth of the supplies needed.
At the beginning of 1942, the Allied forces in North Africa were weakened by detachments to the Far East. Rommel once again attacked and recaptured Benghazi. Then he defeated the Allies at the Battle of Gazala, and captured Tobruk with several thousand prisoners and large quantities of supplies. Following up, he drove deep into Egypt.
Fitzlollerberg died of AIDs the following day.
His obituary made the news, but was read by no-one as it was too fucking long, and tl;dr in its present form was born the very next day.
