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Deal Or No Deal (UK) Script

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Noel: Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the the dream factory where dreams are made for one lucky person...or BROKEN. Yesterday we saw the most AMAZING, UNIQUE, SPECIAL game in Deal Or No Deal history when James, well, we had high hopes for him...but he went away with just seven grand.

(The audience boo.)

Noel: And you're right to boo! He got our hopes up and he crushed them! But I'm sure that won't happen today, I've got a very special feeling about today, for...

(Lisa is randomly selected to play.)

Noel: Lisa!

(The audience squeel. Everyone with boxes runs up to hug her. Lisa passes out from the shock.)

Noel: She's down! Quick, let me PISS ON HER!

(Noel pisses all over Lisa and she wakes up.)

Noel: Ready to play?

Lisa: Muh...buh...suh...

Noel: I'll take that as a "yes Noel, I'm ready to make my dreams and yours come true!"

(The audience cheer widly. Some begin to masturbate. Noel drags Lisa up to her box.)

Noel: You have box number 17 does that have any SPECIAL SIGNIFICANCE to you?

Lisa: Well, umm...I used to be 17 once! For a whole year!

(The audience gasps. Noel slaps his forehead.)

Noel: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN can you believe it! Dreams are going to come true today! Now Lisa, what's that photo you have with you?

Lisa: It's my cat.

Noel: And what AGE is your cat?

Lisa: Err, he's six.

(The audience starts performing ritual sacrifices in Lisa's name.)

Noel: SIX I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! Lisa, let's not delay any longer...PICK A BOX LISA, PICK A FUCKING BOX!

Lisa: Err...85. I mean, 108. No, 76!

(Noel slaps her.)

Lisa: Six, I pick six.

(David has box six.)

David: Good luck...

(He's in tears as he opens the box...it says "10p"! Someone in the audience spontaneously combusts. Noel whips out his dick and strokes it rapidly to ejaculation.)

Noel: THIS IS THE NIGHT! PICK ANOTHER BOX, NOW, LET'S NO RUIN IT, PICK A BOX.

Lisa: 12!

(It says "£100". Three more women in the audience explode. Noel starts licking his own cum off the floor.)

Noel: ANOTHER, ANOTHER!

Lisa: Number...three!

(Omar opens number three. It says "£250,000". Everyone in the audience suddenly stops orgasming. Terror crosses their faces. Noel grabs a hold of Lisa and slaps her hard, again and again.)

Noel: YOU STUPID WHORE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE! HOW COULD YOU LET ME DOWN LIKE THAT!?

Lisa: I'm sorry...I'm sorry!

Noel: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT...IT'S HIS!

(He points at Omar. The audience begins to boo.)

Omar: Oh for fuck's sake, it's just random chance!

(The other box holders jump on him and started kicking the shit out him. The phone rings. Noel immediately picks it up.)

Noel: BANKER WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING OFFER...NO! NO! YOU CUNT! YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY!

(He puts the phone down.)

Noel: He offered SEVENTEEN QUID!

Lisa: AAAAAAARGH!

(She grabs her box and tries to run away but armed security guards gun her down.)

Noel: GOOD! And send the carcass to my dressing room. I'll be getting laid tonight!

THE END
 
I watch in the hope I'll figure out what the fuck is going on, and then he pulls a bat out of a box and eats it and the head of the bat calls him and Noel's all "tell me what I want to hear" and I spot the production crew laughing in the background cos they know there's no one at the other end of the phone, everybody's watching a lifeless shell of a man who only wanted to entertain damnit wasn't his crinkley bottom enough for you people??! wasn't he sufficiently entertaining?!!? WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM HIM?! WHAT DID YOU WANT HIM TO DO? STAND ON HIS HEAD AND CUM IN HIS OWN FACE (LOL GUNGING) WHILE GRABBING BANK NOTES SWIRLING AROUND THE VACUUMS OF GRAHAM NORTON'S ANAL PASSAGEWAY AND SINGING "WE LOVE YOU MR BLOBBY"?!
 
Don't watch stuff like this no more. If that's what you like then fair enough, but I personally got so fucked of with TV that i ripped my damn aerial out of the wall. Best thing I ever did. Fuck all that shit! TV = ASS (most of it anyway)
 
worst game show evar! Why? Because you guys might have a fun snarky TV show but we get the sloppy seconds and fucking Howie Mandel, who should have his bald head shoved in a giant electric pencil sharpener.
 
Yep, you could land a plane on his forehead! If he recedes much further, the hairs on his ass will start fallin out.
 
MAYBE ONE RANDOM BOX COULD BE HOOKED UP TO A CHAIN GUN THAT IS ACTIVATED THE MOMENT IT IS OPENED.
 
LOL IT WOULD BE FUNNY IF THEY HAD THE WRONG GUY AND HE KILLED ALL THE COPS'S WIVES LOL!

(Did I just type that?)
 
I watch it. I'm hooked. I need an intervention.

I got the DVD home game as a grab bag gift. I have opened it and played it.

No wonder I'm not getting laid nightly.
 
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