Squirtle The Turtle
Grand General of The L.H.A.R
Breaking news from the Institute of Science for the Glory of Jesus Christ
After long studies of youths and young people who listen to Satan's music, we have discovered some interesting facts.
First, many of the rock musicians we have interveiwed admit to being Satanists and encoding demonic commands in their music to force good, law abiding Citizens to engage in lustful, evil sexual relations, homosexual orgies and the ingestion of all sorts of drugs: tea, coffee, marijuanna, cocaine, Ecstacy, 'shrooms, L.S.D . These drugs, when combined with certain records causes a state of criminal insanity to overcome these poor lads.
Henceforth, in consultation with the Supreme Spiritual Council, it has been decreed that all records of: Heavy Metal, Punk Rock, Death Metal, Speed Metal, Black Metal, Rap, Hip Hop, e.t.c be confiscated by patrols from the Lord's Holy Armies of Righteousness.
Citizens, we do this for the children. Do you want some Ozzy Ozbourne album to turn your child into a long haired, dope smoking compulsive materbater? Or worse-a raving homosexual?!? Fear not, patriotic citizens, we know what is best for you.
Please also be aware we will be searching for books that have been inspired by the Prince of Darkness as well. We intend on cleansing the Christian republic of JesusLand from Satan's grasp! HALALUJAH!
Approved by the Spiritual Council in Counciltation With The Institute of Science for the Glory of Jesus Christ
