Fawlty Towers series 3

[CaptainWacky]

(The sign reads "Fat Sort"!)

Sybil(on the phone): Oh I know, oh I know...oh I knooooooooow!

Basil: Well I don't!

(The Major walks in.)

Major: Papers arrived yet, Fawlty!

Fawlty: Yes, but I decided to burn them rather than let you read them, you crazy old racist.

Major: Good good! I hear there's some woofters going to be staying in the hotel!

Basil: What! Where did you hear that?

Major: Manuel told me, I asked who the next guests would be and he said "gay"!

Basil: You must have misheard him saying "que"! That stupid Manuel!

Major: Well, I hope I did! Don't want any queers staying here, what what! I'd catch HIV them!

Basil: Major, it's the eighties now, you can't say things like that!

Major: Sorry...I meant I don't want any HOMOS staying here! Still, at least they're not Germans again!

(A guest walks over.)

Basil: Haha, he's just a silly old man...

Major: There was one in the war! We killed him!

Basil: Well, you were fighting the Germans.

Major: I mean a poofpuff! He was on our side! But we gave him what for!

(The Major wanders off.)

Guest: I have reservations!

Basil: I imagine you do, after that! But please stay in our hotel!

Guest: No, I mean I've MADE reservations to stay here!

Basil: What a funny misunderstanding!

Sybil(on the phone): OH I KNOOOOOOOOOOOW...

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

I LIKE IT.

 

[Finster]

Love Fawlty Towers. I have the entire series. Used to love catching it on PBS as a kid and staying up late to watch that right after Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Bit of Trivia:

Fawlty Towers was inspired by a real hotel manager where John Cleese had stayed once up in Tourquay. It is said the man was rude and obnoxious. The hotel was still around until a few years ago when it was torn down much to the dismay of FT fans.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Another MALE GUEST comes over and joins the first.)

Male Guest: Well, can we go to the room now?

Basil: Err...two of you? Two men? In a room? Men, in a rom.

First Guest: There will be two of us in the room, please.

Basil: I won't allow it! I mean, health and safety reasons. Can't have two people in a room. MY GOD, MY LEG HURTS.

(He falls over holding his leg.)

Basil: Got stabbed in the war! IN THE LEG! NOT UP THE BUM.

Sybil: BASIL! Here are your keys.

(She hands a key to the guests.)

First Man: Thanks, I'll tell MY WIFE.

(Basil jumps up, unhurt.)

Basil: What!

(A WOMAN walks over and kisses the man.)

Woman: Hello my husband AND MY BROTHER WHO DROPPED BY TO SEE US.

Basil: What a funny misunderstandng! But I'm afraid you'll have to take your own cases up to your room. Manuel's missing, probably dead. Nothing to worry about! But where the shit is Polly?

Sybil(back on the phone): Oh I know!

Basil: Our phone bill was nine hundred pounds last month!

Sybil(on the phone): Oh I know!

(The guests walk into their room. They sit their case down...and it falls open. A MAN IN A GIMP COSTUME rolls out.)

Gimp(muffled): Help, help me!

(The guests look up to see MANUEL lying on their bed, masturbating to a photo of Basil. He turns round and sees the gimp.)

Manuel: Que?

Brother: He's made us!

Husband: What do we do? He'll tell the pigs about our gimp sex slave!

Wife: There's only one thing we can do...shut his mouth!

(All three CHARGE at Maneul, lifting him off his feet and throwing him right through the window!)

Maneul(falling to the ground): QUE!!!!!!

(He lands on the grass below with a sickening thud.)

Husband: Well, that's him dead!

(All three turn round...to see POLLY slumped in the corner of the room, cocaine all over her face.)

Polly: Whass goin' on...

(All three advance on her...)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I'm pretty sure you stole this from one of the other timelines where the show never ended. Good work!

I was watching a bit of it this morning actually, as I have a colleague who sounds just like Sybil when she's on the phone and i wanted to show people how similar they were.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Polly: Shiiiit...it's you guys!

Wife: Polly! You incorrigible slut! I've missed you!

Husband: Hello, Polly!

Brother: Hello, OUR OLD FRIEND POLLY WHO WE HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS.

Polly: You guys...did you just push Manuel to his death? I liked him!

Wife: Well he saw our gimp slave! We had no choice!

Polly: That's so sad...got any blow?

Husband: Of course we do! But don't hog it all like usual!

Polly: I just fucking love cocaine!

(Polly gets up.)

Gimp: Please...help...me...

(Polly kicks him in the ribs.)

Polly: God, he's a whiney one. Hope you kill him soon.

Brother: If Manuel's alive, we could turn him into our new gimp sex slave!

Polly: Hurray!

(Meanwhile, Basil and Sybil are arguing.)

Sybil: Basil! Basil! Basil! You can't swear at guests!

Basil: Not even behind their back?

Sybil: No, not even if they're black!

Basil: I didn't say...my God I wish I could punch you again!

Sybil: It's not the seventies anymore!

Basil: Why I oughta...I'm going out for a fag. A CIGARETTE. NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.

Sybil: I knew what you meant.

Basil: SHUT UP.

(Basil walks out and lights up a cigarette. He wanders around smoking it.)

Basil: Where the fuck's Manuel anyway, he should be cleaning the toilets right now...

(He trips over Manuel's broken body.)

Basil: There he is! Sleeping on the job again!

Manuel: Mister Fawlty...I dying...I dying...

Basil: My God, you ARE dying. Did you fall out of that broken window? YOU CLUMSY GIT! I'm docking your wages!

Manuel: Help...help me...

(He passes out.)

Basil: Damn it! I'll never find someone I can fool into paying so little again! I'll have to give him CPR!

(He starts tonguing Manuel.)

Basil: It's not working! I'll have to compress his groin!

(He starts to pull Manuel's trousers off...just as Sybil walks out.)

Sybil: Basil!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Basil: Shut up, you shrew! He's dying! I'm giving him groinal compressions!

Sybil: That's not even a real thing, Basil.

Basil: What! The major told me it was!

Sybil: Basil, the major told me he shot Kennedy because "the negroes" were getting too many rights. He's senile.

Basil: Curse him!

(Basil STOMPS HIS FEET in rage and stomps on Maneul's chest. Manuel sits up, awake again!)

Manuel: You save me, you save me, I love you, I loooove you...

Basil: Not so loud!

(The ambulance arrives.)

Ambulance Man: Uhh, why are his trousers down?

Sybil: He's from Barcelona.

Ambulance Man: Oh!

(They take Manuel away.)

Basil: CHRIST, it's dinnertime. Who's going to serve the guests now dinner now? Where the fuck is Polly?

(Upstairs, Polly is flicking lit matches onto the gimp's chest.)

Gimp: Please...no more...no more...

Polly: No, more! MORE COCAINE!

(Basil walks into the dining room. TEN GUESTS are sitting at tables angry that they haven't been served.)

Basil: I'm so sorry, our foreign waiter fell out a window.

Racist Guest: You should hire British!

Racist Guest's Wife: I've been waiting for my steak for FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

(Basil marches into the kitch, grabs and uncooked steak, and slams it down on the table in front of her.)

Basil: THERE.

Racist Guest's Wife: Oh, thanks!

Old Woman: Who's there! Is that you, What?

Basil: OH SHIT, not the deaf lady again!

Old Woman: What? No, I'm blind!

(She walks into a wall.)

Basil: Well, let me help you to your seat...

(He marches her into the kitchen and locks her up in a cupboard.)

Basil(shouting): JUST TAKE A SEAT IN THERE.

Terry the Chef: Mister Fawlty, there's no oxygen in that cupboard!

Basil: The important thing is, one diner down, nine to go!

Terry: She'll die!

Basil: Blind people don't need oxygen!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Basil skips back out to the dining room.)

Basil: Right, who's next?

Guest: Ja, I am being next.

Basil: My God...you're not German, are you!?

Guest: No, I'm Austrian!

Basil: Well so was Hitler!

Guest: WHAT!

Basil: HAT LARS. He was...an artist. Right, Sybil?

(Sybil walks over.)

Sybil: What?

Basil(whispering to Sybil): Don't mention Hitler. I did once, but I think I got away with it.

(Suddenly the major walks in with a shotgun.)

Major: HE'S ONE OF THEM!

Basil: No, he's not gay!

Major: I mean a German!

(The major aims his shotgun.)

Basil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Basil dives into the guest, pushing him out of the way.)

Guest: I actually, I am a gay Austrian!

Major: GRRRRR!

(The major fires his shotgun, but Sybil pushes it upwards. It misses Basil and the guest, but hits the MOOSE HEAD hanging above! The moose falls on Basil!)

BasilMoose: It hurts!

Major: Stop whining, poofter moose!

(The Major jumps on the moose head, crushing Basil's head into the floor.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Polly is staggering around upstairs.)

Polly: I'm so fucking high...

(the two old ladies Miss Tibbs and Miss Gatsby walk by.)

Tibbs: Oh Polly, didn't you hear, Mister Fawlty's been taken to a hospital!

Polly: Hahaha, did I push him out a window too?

Gatsby: No, the major thought he was a gay moose and collapsed his skull!

Polly: Well it was bound to happen eventually! Haha, I hope he died.

Tibbs: Polly, you're not well! There's white stuff coming out of your nose!

Polly: I need more! Where are my friends?

Gatsby: I saw them dragging a gimp outside to burn his feet.

Polly: Why can't they do that in here?

Gatsby: Because they don't want me watching and flicking myself off!

Tibbs: It's true, she's a deviant. You should see some of the stuff she's stuck up me.

Gatsby: Oh you love it, you slut.

Tibbs: Yeah...yeah I do.

(They start kissing and groping.)

Polly: Haha, you delightful old bags, I won't kill you then. Anyway, is this my room?

(She walks into the nearest room. SOMEONE is lying in bed.)

Polly: Give me a cuddle, then.

(She curls up in bed beside SYBIL.)

Sybil: Oh I know! You've come here to comfort me now that Basil's in hospital.

Polly: Uhh, sure. Did he die?

Sybil: No!

Polly: Pity!

Sybil: You pity me! Oh that's so nice.

Polly: Show us your tits then.

Sybil: You want to see my tits for some reason! That's so nice!

Polly: This is getting fucking boring.

Sybil: Polly?

Polly: JUST KISS ME.

(Polly tries to force herself on Sybil but Sybil kicks her off.)

Sybil: What's gotten into you!

Polly: Not your tongue for one thing! Not any of your fingers either! I'm getting nothing here!

Sybil: My God...someone's turned you into a lesbian using voodoo!

(The Major pops out of the wardrobe with his gun.)

Major: There's African voodoo nig nogs here as well as homos? IT'S KILLING TIME!

TO BE CONTINUED PROBABLY NEVER