CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Janis (the lesbian FBI agent) wakes up in hospital. Olivia (Penny from Lost) and Bearded Doctor are standing over the bed.)
Olivia: Hey, how are you doing?
Janis: I feel sore.
Olivia: Well that's not surprising, considering you just got shot through the ovary by a Chinese man.
Janis: WHAT!?
Olivia: Yep, chinese!
Janis: No, I was shot through the ovary?
Olivia: Yuh huh! Right through the ovary!
Janis: That's great! I had a flashforward where I was pregnant, but now I can't get pregnant!
Olivia: Ah, so that PROVES that flashforwards don't always come true!
(Olivia high fives Janis.)
Bearded Doctor: Hang on, that doesn't prove anything! The flashforward's MUST come true! It's destiny!
(Olivia looks up slightly for a second and we see her flashforward to being in bed with Jack Davenport for the 82nd time.)
Olivia: NO IT ISN'T.
Bearded Doctor: It must be! FATE gave us these flashforwards to improve our lives!
Janis: What about the millions of people who died when all those building caught on fire somehow during the blackout?
Bearded Doctor: Umm...they're not as important as me. AND MY FLASHFORWARD.
Olivia: What did you see anyway?
(We briefly see Bearded Doctor's flashforward where he's being tickled by a giant feather.)
Bearded Doctor: OH, NOTHING...
Janis: I'm just glad this NIGHTMARE is over and I'll never get pregnant now.
Bearded Doctor: Oh, didn't I mention? You have TWO ovaries. The other one is FINE.
Janis: SHIT.
Bearded Doctor: HAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA, AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
(Bearded Doctor walks out laughing.)
Olivia: Sorry about him, I'll try to get him fired.
(Olivia leaves. A MYSTERIOUS UNSHAVEN MAN WEARING A SOCK OVER HIS HEAD who might have been seen before but I can't remember to be honest walks in.)
Janis: Hi. What do you want?
Man: Oh, that's simple, I'm here TO RAPE YOU.
Janis: What!?
Man: I'm going to impregnate you, bitch! HAHAHA!
Janis: WHY?
Man: Because in MY flashforward, I was standing TRIAL in COURT for raping a lesbian FBI agent when she was in hospital five months previously! SO I HAVE NO CHOICE, RAPE TIME.
Janis: Wait a minute, YOU MALE BASTARD, in my flashforward, I was getting a pre-natal scan...I WASN'T in court testifying about you raping me!
Man: MAYBE YOU WERE LATE.
Janis: Or maybe YOU didn't have a flashforward about raping me, you just had a DREAM where you RAPED ME because you're a SICK PERVERT like all MEN and you used that to justify in your mind raping me right now!
Man: Umm...maybe?
(Lesbian Chef sneaks in and HITS the man with a ROLLING PIN.)
Lesbian Chef: Here's what I think of you raping my girlfriend!
Janis: You saved me!
Lesbian Chef: And I changed the future too! In MY flashforward I was telling someone that I have NEVER hit anyone with a rolling pin!
Janis: Then the future can be changed and I won't get pregnant!
Lesbian: Yeah!
Janis: I don't intend on sleeping with anyone but you, and you certainly can't get me pregnant, haha!
Lesbian: Actually...there's something I need to tell you.
(She drops her pants exposing A MALE PENIS.)
Janis: AAAAAAAH!
(Charlie is watching through the window.)
Charlie: Everything's going according to plan, my master.
(MISTER EKO steps out of the shadows.)
Eko: Good. Gooood.
TO BE CONTINUED!?
Olivia: Hey, how are you doing?
Janis: I feel sore.
Olivia: Well that's not surprising, considering you just got shot through the ovary by a Chinese man.
Janis: WHAT!?
Olivia: Yep, chinese!
Janis: No, I was shot through the ovary?
Olivia: Yuh huh! Right through the ovary!
Janis: That's great! I had a flashforward where I was pregnant, but now I can't get pregnant!
Olivia: Ah, so that PROVES that flashforwards don't always come true!
(Olivia high fives Janis.)
Bearded Doctor: Hang on, that doesn't prove anything! The flashforward's MUST come true! It's destiny!
(Olivia looks up slightly for a second and we see her flashforward to being in bed with Jack Davenport for the 82nd time.)
Olivia: NO IT ISN'T.
Bearded Doctor: It must be! FATE gave us these flashforwards to improve our lives!
Janis: What about the millions of people who died when all those building caught on fire somehow during the blackout?
Bearded Doctor: Umm...they're not as important as me. AND MY FLASHFORWARD.
Olivia: What did you see anyway?
(We briefly see Bearded Doctor's flashforward where he's being tickled by a giant feather.)
Bearded Doctor: OH, NOTHING...
Janis: I'm just glad this NIGHTMARE is over and I'll never get pregnant now.
Bearded Doctor: Oh, didn't I mention? You have TWO ovaries. The other one is FINE.
Janis: SHIT.
Bearded Doctor: HAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA, AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
(Bearded Doctor walks out laughing.)
Olivia: Sorry about him, I'll try to get him fired.
(Olivia leaves. A MYSTERIOUS UNSHAVEN MAN WEARING A SOCK OVER HIS HEAD who might have been seen before but I can't remember to be honest walks in.)
Janis: Hi. What do you want?
Man: Oh, that's simple, I'm here TO RAPE YOU.
Janis: What!?
Man: I'm going to impregnate you, bitch! HAHAHA!
Janis: WHY?
Man: Because in MY flashforward, I was standing TRIAL in COURT for raping a lesbian FBI agent when she was in hospital five months previously! SO I HAVE NO CHOICE, RAPE TIME.
Janis: Wait a minute, YOU MALE BASTARD, in my flashforward, I was getting a pre-natal scan...I WASN'T in court testifying about you raping me!
Man: MAYBE YOU WERE LATE.
Janis: Or maybe YOU didn't have a flashforward about raping me, you just had a DREAM where you RAPED ME because you're a SICK PERVERT like all MEN and you used that to justify in your mind raping me right now!
Man: Umm...maybe?
(Lesbian Chef sneaks in and HITS the man with a ROLLING PIN.)
Lesbian Chef: Here's what I think of you raping my girlfriend!
Janis: You saved me!
Lesbian Chef: And I changed the future too! In MY flashforward I was telling someone that I have NEVER hit anyone with a rolling pin!
Janis: Then the future can be changed and I won't get pregnant!
Lesbian: Yeah!
Janis: I don't intend on sleeping with anyone but you, and you certainly can't get me pregnant, haha!
Lesbian: Actually...there's something I need to tell you.
(She drops her pants exposing A MALE PENIS.)
Janis: AAAAAAAH!
(Charlie is watching through the window.)
Charlie: Everything's going according to plan, my master.
(MISTER EKO steps out of the shadows.)
Eko: Good. Gooood.
TO BE CONTINUED!?
