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Freestyle Gotham thread

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(There has been a murder in a BUSY STREET. The victim has been stabbed 88 times and shot 83 times. Gordon and Bullock are investigating.)

Gordon: Can't believe nobody saw anything!

Bullock: Jim, haven't you learned nothing yet? Nobody ever sees nothing in Gotham...unless you use STRONG ARM tactics.

Gordon: Strong arm tactics, huh.

Bullock: Yeah, that's right, strong arm tactics.

Gordon: What does that mean?

Bullock: THIS.

(Bullock grabs a random passerby without warning and BREAKS HIS ARM.)

Passerby: Oww, my arm, it's broken!

Bullock: Shut up, punk! You must have seen something when this guy got rubbed out. Spill it!

Passerby: Aaaaah, I'm in incredible pain...I didn't see nothing because I was looking up some dame's skirt at the time, but I did look up at that officer there and the man in it was looking down at the street so he must know who the killer is, okay? Please, don't hurt me anymore! I need to go to the hospital!

Bullock: Run along before I book ya for WHINING.

(He kicks the passerby away.)

Gordon: How did you know that guy was dodgy?

Bullock: He was wearing his pants too low!

Gordon: You can't just beat people up because their pants are too low.

Bullock: They should pull the up then!

Gordon: Let's go see if the person in that office saw anything.

(They go to the office and knock on the door. A man with WHITE HAIR answers. He's got a stethoscope around his neck so he's obviously a doctor.)

Man: Hello? My name is Doctor. Doctor FREEZE.

Gordon: Okay? We didn't actually ask...

Man: Well, please, come in. You'll catch your death of COLD out in that CHILLY hallway.

(Gordon and Bullock shrug and go in. There is lots of random science type stuff lying around the office.)

Bullock: So you're a scientist doctor, huh?

Freeze: Science is all I care about. That, and my wife. Only she can thaw my FROSTY scientific heart. If anything ever happened to her...

Gordon: Uhh, okay? Anyway, did you see what happened down on the street there?

Freeze: Dreadful business, that. What kind of COLD HEARTED man could kill some like that? They'd have to be ICE COLD. The only way I'd ever do something like that is if someone hurt my dear wife. I'd stab anyone to death who hurt her! Stab them, but NOT shoot them.

(Bullock whispers to Gordon.)

Bullock(whispering): This guy can't be the killer, the victim was stabbed AND shot.

Gordon: But did you see who DID kill the vic?

Freeze: Vic? That's my name! Victor I.C. Freeze! My dear wife often teases me...

Gordon: DID YOU SEE ANYTHING OR NOT.

Freeze: Oh, I saw a man with low-hanging pants running away from the scene. He had a gun in one hand and a knife in the other and he was smiling. The kind of smile one can only have when they've just stabbed and shot someone to death. I've never smiled like that, because nobody's ever tried to come between me and my dear wife. But if they did, I imagine I would shatter them like ICE shattering when someone shatters ICE.

Gordon: Thanks for your help!

(They leave.)

Bullock: Damn it, we had that low-hanging pants thug but he got away the thug!

Gordon: We can catch up to him at the hospital.

Bullock: Good thinking! You're pretty smart, you know!

(CUT TO the hospital where Leslie Thompkins now works as a medical doctor for plot reasons. She is speaking to a patient who we can't see.)

Leslie: Yes, how can I help you, sir?

(TWIST! It's low-hanging pants man! He's just happened to run into Gordon's girlfriend at the hospital!)

Low-hanging pants man: I've broke my arm!

Leslie: Can I have your name?

Low-hanging pants man: It's Joe. JOE CHILL.

Leslie: I'm not sure why you shouted that.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Meanwhile Alfred is convincing Bruce to go back to school again.

"But Alfred, I hate school, and I already have a genius IQ, plus we never even went down that mysterious staircase to that cave full of bats"
"Cor blimey, strike a light Master Bruce, there is nothing down there of any interest young fella me lad, now why don't you go make friends with that nice coloured bird and that mexican looking geezer"
"That's racist Alfred"
"Just get in school ya wanker, and try and move your arms when you walk"

Alfred pushes Bruce towards the two other children and scarpers.

Bruce awkwardly introduces himself "hello I',m.."
"We know who you are gringo." said the mexican kid, before pushing Bruce over, stealing his lunch money, and running off.
The brown skinned girl picked Bruce up off the floor "Don't mind him, I am Chips Mooney"
"What is that guy's problem?" Bruce asked.
"Oh he is just the bane of our existence."
 
(Bruce and Selina are on a cute date in a park. They are both being cute.)

Bruce: Thanks for coming out with me and taking my mind off the bullies.

Selina: Woah! Calm down, kiddo! I'm not OUT with you. This isn't a date. We're just hanging out, okay kid?

Bruce: I, uhh, uhh, umm...

(He looks embarrassed.)

Selina: Woah! Calm down, kiddo! I'm jut messing with you, okay kid? We're having a fun time.

Bruce: Yes, I brough cavier for you.

(He pulls out some cavier. Selina tastes it then spits it out.)

Selina: Eww!

Bruce: That cost eighty thousand dollars!

(They laugh playfully. Selina's flip phone rings.)

Selina: Uhh, I need to go do something, okay? Relax, kiddo!

(She walks a few feet away then goes behind a tree. She has a MAN tied to the tree. He's obviously been TORTURED. He's moaning in pain.)

Man: Please, no more...

Selina: Shut up! You were dealing in my territory, you mook! I can't let that go unpunished!

(She cuts him with broken glass and we see a graphic close up.)

Man: Are't you, like, thirteen? This is pretty fucked up.

Selina: Don't question my character's direction!

(She stabs him do death repeatedly. His blood sprays everywhere. Selina shows no emotion at all.)

Selina: That was cool.

(She goes back to the picnic with Bruce.)

Selina: Woah, hey there , kiddo! Cool your jets, I'm back!

Bruce: You have something on your lips.

(It's the dead man's blood. Selina licks it off.)

Selina: Mmm. Tastes good.

Bruce: My sexual development is not going to be a normal one, is it...

(CUT TO Penguin standing in an empty warehouse.)

Penguin: Mwuhahahahaha! Soon this warehouse will be full of CRIMINAL ACTIVITY as I am the new king of Gotham!

Voice: Not if I have anything to say about it...

(Penguin turns round to see FALCONE pointing a gun at him.)

Penguin: Don Falcone! You...you honour me by pointing a gun at me!

Falcone: I'm going to end you and retake my throne as king of Gotham.

Penguin: Hang on, didn't you retire?

Falcone: Yes.

Penguin: Then why are you back?

Falcone: I changed my mind and have returned to challenge you!

Penguin: You changed your mind? But why?

Falcone: I just did.

Penguin: But...shoudln't your character have some motivation? Shouldn't your decisions at least follow some kind of internal logic within the universe of Gotham, even if that is a crazy universe. Wouldn't it be more satisfying if their was a compelling character reason for you to return?

Falcone: Nope! Now say your prayers...

(There is a BANG. But Penguin hasn't been shot! Falcone falls down, dead. Someone how shot him in the back.)

Penguin: You!

(Somehow standing behind Falcone even though there was no entrance to the warehouse there is FISH MOONEY. She is soaking wet as if she has just pulled herself out of the river, yet somehow she has a completely new haircut and an even more ridiculous costume that pushes her breasts up literally to her ears. Also no bullet wound from when Butch shot her because who cares about that right.)

Penguin: Fish! But you fell in some water! How could you survive that!

Fish: FISH...CAN SWIM.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Nygma is in the morgue.)

Nygma: I need to come up with a good riddle to fox Miss Kringle!

(His other self, Head Nygma, shakes his head.)

Head Nygma: Just killed her! See if she can solve the riddle of death! Hahahahaha!

Nygma: Don't laugh so much, it makes me too similar to The Joker.

Head Nygma: Maybe you ARE the Joker. Maybe that's the TWIST. Hahahahahaha!

(Miss Kringle walks in. She is holding a box.)

Miss Kringle: Mister Nygma, do you know anything about this?

Nygma: Depends on if me knowing more about it means you'd want to have sex with me!

Miss Kringle: Huh? I selectively forget the creepy things you say sometimes. No, it's a box of fingers. What could it mean?

(She empties the fingers on the table in front of Nygma.)

Nygma: Perhaps there's a note attached.

Kringle: There is! It says "NOW HE'LL NEVER FINGER YOU, BUT WILL YOU FINGER ME WITH THIS CLUE?" It's like someone's taunting me about my abusive ex boyfriend's disappearance!

Nygma: Almost! I guess you'll just have to solve this RIDDLE yourself...

Kringle: Hang on, you're always going on about riddles. And you work in a morgue so have easy access to fingers. AND you hate my abusive ex boyfriend!

Nygma: Yes...

(He is holding a knife behind his back suddenly even though he wasn't a moment ago.)

Kringle: ...you have to help me figure out who's sending these letters!

Nygma: Oh, sure.

Head Nygma: CHRIST SHE'S THICK.

(A BURLY MAN enters the morgue. He immediately SLAPS Kringle's ASS.)

Burly Man: Hey, JIGGLES, get a move on, will ya, we need to go out DRINKING then I'm taking you back to my place for an "undercover investigation" if you know what I mean! BAM!

Kringle: Oh, uhh, Mister Nygma, this is my new boyfriend Officer Cliche.

Cliche: WOAH, what a nerd!

Nygma: Uhh, umm, hi...

Cliche: Well stop talking to this LOSER and run along, and let me watch you run because I like the way your ass shakes when you run, jiggles!

(She leaves and he slaps her ass as she goes.)

Cliche: I was just messing with you, Nygma, want some cocaine I swiped from a dead drug dealer?

Nygma: Umm, no thank you.

(Cliche slams Nygma up against a wall.)

Cliche: You better not snitch on me, Nygma, or I'll break every bone in your body and kill all your family. See ya!

(He walks out.)

Nygma: Oh no, now what will I do!

Head Nygma: STAB HIM EIGHTEEN TIMES. AND HER. *GOLLUM, GOLLUM*

Nygma: Why are you coughing when you're only in my head?

Head Nygma: It was just...A JOKE.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Gordon and Bullock rush into the hospital and up to the front desk.)

Gordon: My girlfriend Leslie Thompkins, WHERE IS SHE?

Desk Person: I don't know...

(Bullock grabs the Desk Person around the neck.)

Bullock: TELL ME OR I'LL CRUSH YOUR NECK, PUNK.

Desk Person: She's...in...that...room...

(He points at a room.)

Gordon: COME ON.

(Bulluck punches the Desk Person out for no reason and runs off after Gordon into the room. But the room is EMPTY!)

Gordon: No, no! The low-hanging pants killer must have killed her!

Bullock: Damn! We'll get him for this, Jim, we'll get him BIGTIME.

(Leslie walks in wiping her hands.)

Leslie: I was just off washing my hands. What happened!?

Gordon: Thank God!

(He grabs her and makes out with her right in front of Bullock.)

Bullock: Jesus, Jim, I already jacked off this morning!

Leslie: What happened? I had just finished cleaning a patient's arm so I went to wash my hands!

Gordon: We thought the low-hanging pants killer got to you!

Leslie: This patient had low-hanging pants! His name is JOE CHILL.

Bullock: Good detective works, Leslie! You could put Jim out of a job!

Leslie: I'm not really sure if that makes sense but anway I need to deliver some pills to ARKHAM now.

Gordon: No! It's not safe for you to go near Arkham! Not while SHE is staying there...

Leslie: I'll be fine, it's well guarded.

Gordon: Oh, that's okay then, never mind.

(Gordon and Bullock just walk out and leave Leslie without saying another word. CUT TO Arkham Asylum. BARBARA is sitting in a corner rocking back and forth. Her new therapist, A WOMAN IN GLASSES, walks in.)

Therapist: How are you doing today, Barbara?

Barbara: I'm fine, I'm fine...DEATH KILL MURDER...I'm fine, I'm fine.

Therapist: Good to hear you're making progress! Do you want to talk about your childhood some more? Was there something your parents did that resulted in you later murdering them?

Barbara: They were horrible to me. Always buying me stuff and loving me. That's not what I wanted!

Therapist: What DID you want?

Barbara: Another NAME for a start. Did you know what my parents originally wanted to call me?

Therapist: Umm, no? How the fuck would I?

Barbara: They wanted to call me...HARLEY.

(The camera zooms right in on Barbara's face when she says this.)

Therapist: I don't get it. But I guess it's a nice name. I'm quite happy with my name though. Doctor....QUINN.

Barbara: Hey, what do you have there?

Therapist: Oh, it's a mallet. We're going to have a staff game of polo later! Hopefually I'll meet a nice girl to fall in love with during the game!

Barbara: Can I hold your mallet?

Therapist: No, that would be silly.

(Barbara leans forward showing CLEAVAGE. The therapist LICKS HER LIPS as she is a lesbian.)

Therapist: Well, okay then!

(She hands the mallet to Barbara. Barbara instantly smashes the therapist over the head with it, then takes her glasses and puts them on.)

Barbara: Thank you. This is the perfect start to my new identity...AS DOCTOR HARLEY QUINN!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Bruce has returned to that one room in Wayne Manor that he's always in. Alfred is there waiting for him impatiently.)

Bruce: Sorry I'm late, Alfred. I was held up by Selina.

Alfred: I bet you bloody were, you little sod. Did you snog her yet?

Bruce: That would have been impolite, Alfred.

Alfred: Bollocks! Birds love it when a bloke sodding snogs them, you little pansy! Only joking, Master Bruce, I love you really.

Bruce: And I you, Alfred. Now, to return to the task at hand.

Alfred: Too bloody right, enough of this sodding standing around like a pair of bollocks! The sodding Queen would never bloody well do this!

(They go down the SECRET CORRIDOR to the SECRET ROOM. However the secret room has another door that is locked.)

Bruce: It's frustrating. It's like this plot we've inovled in has been stalled for the last three months due to this second door.

Alfred: Well hurry up and bloody figure out the combination to open it! Then you'll be able to go in there and wank over Selina whernever you want!

Bruce: Alfred, I'm not going to do that.

Alfred: Well you can't wank in the study, I'm in there all the time! I'll look like a bloody nonce walking in on you wanking!

Bruce: I won't masturbate there either, Alfred.

Alfred: Well, good. Because I'm not a bloody nonce! And if you ever call me one again, I'll roll down your trousers and show your arse how much of a nonce I am!

Bruce: ...can we just try to open the door again now?

Alfred: As long as no one suddenly interrupts us!

(A DRUNKEN IRISHMAN appears at the top of the secret stairs.)

Drunken Irishman: What's all this then? Some kind of secret room? Shamrocks!

Alfred: Oh bollocks, it's another one of my bloody drunken army buddies!

(Cut to Selina walking into the warehouse. Penguin is hanging upside down from a hook, above a vat with "BOILING ACID" written on the side. Someone is standing with her back to Selina.)

Selina: Hey, what's the big idea, this is my criminal warehouse for criminal activity, you have five seconds to explain yourself or I'll gut you like a...FISH!?

(Fish turns around. She's wearing an entirely different outfit now and her hair is much longer and styled into the shape of a fish. She smiles.)

Fish: How's it going, little kitty!

Selina: That's what you always called me in that two weeks we spent together!

(Selina runs up to Fish and cuddles her and nuzzle up again her tits.)

Penguin: Please! The three of us together are the three most powerful criminals in Gotham! Togethre we could have all the money with our criminal enterprises like owning a night club and being a homeless teenage girl! Join me!

Selina: How you going to kill him, Fish?

Fish: You know, I was thinking of letting YOU kill him.

Selina: I'll cut his throat and we can watch him bleed out into the acid. Then we'll sell the acid/blood to school children and tell them it's milk.

Fish: I have taugyh you well!

Female Voice: Stop! You can't do that!

(They turn around to see IVY standing in the doorway. She is now played by a new, older, actress amd is a foot taller and is wearing a green dress with cleavage and holding a plant in one hand.)

Fish: And why not?

Ivy: Because he's...MY FATHER!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Gordon and Bullock are at the lady chief of police's office. It's pretty bad that I don't know her name. Okay I looked it up and her name is Captain Sarah Essen. How could anyone possibly remember that though?)

Gordon: We have to get a warrant for the arrest of Joe Chill!

Essen: Jim, my hands are tied on this one!

Bullock: Well, that's it, Jim, nothing we can do!

Gordon: Damn it! Why won't Commissioner Loeb let us arrest this dirt bag?

Essen: Jim, my hands are tied on this one!

Bullock: Well, tha'ts it, Jim, nothing we can do!

Gordon: Damn it! We literally have evidence that he's a murderer, I think! We're THIS CLOSE! THIS CLOSE, DAMN IT.

Voice: Maybe I can help...

(HARVEY DENT steps out of the shadows in the corner of the office. He lingers hafl in and half out of the shadows for a moment.)

Bullock: Dent! It was like you only had half a face for a moment there! Like some kind of...Half Face.

Gordon: Why were you hiding in the corner all this time!

Essen: He couldn't talk until now in case Loeb was bugging the office!

Gordon: ...so why can he talk now?

Dent: Because it was cold in those shadows! Anyway, if Loeb won't let you get a warrant to arrest this SCUM for murder, I can get you a warrant to arrest him for TAX EVASION.

Gordon: That's genius!

Bullock: Yeah but Loeb will be ALL OVER OUR ASSES if we even go near Joe Chill!

Essen: You need good cops watching your asses then! Go to Montoya and Allen for help! Their office is in the building next to this one, remember!

Gordon: Oh yeah, my ex girlfriend's ex girlfriend and the black guy. I forgot about them! They were listed as regulars and their names appeared in the credits every week, but they disappeared halfway through the season last year!

Dent: But hurry! This warrant will expire in twenty four hours and I CAN'T HELP YOU after that...I have a public image to maintain.

Bullock: Yeah, we know, Dent. It's like you've got two sides. Like you're...Two Sides.

Dent: I don't get it.

(He sinks back into the shadows. CUT TO Loeb arriving home with a sack with a dollar sign on it. He throws it onto a pile of such sacks in the corner.)

Loeb's Wife: Hello, dear! Your dinner is ready!

Loeb: Thank you, wife. You know, I might do a lot of evil things for sacks with dollar signs on them, but I really do love you, which makes me a coplex character.

(She smiles and walks away. Loeb picks up a FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH and looks at it. It is a photo of a young Loeb with TWO OTHER MEN.)

Loeb: Ah my old school friends. JOE CHILL...and VICTOR FREEZE!

(He puts the picture back down as apparently he only picked it up to say that. CUT TO Gordon and Bullock arriving at Montoya and Allen's office. They knock the door once and nobody answers, so they instantly kick it down.)

Bullock: Urgh, smells like MY JOCK in here!

Gordon: Oh no, look!

(Montaya and Allen are both sitting DEAD on their chairs.)

Bullock: So that's what happened to them!

Gordon: They've been dead for months! And these appear to be...MALLET WOUNDS!?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Leslie arrives at Arkham Asylum. She is holding a giant bottle with "BRAIN PILLS" written on it.)

Leslie: This place is creepy. Like something out of a VIDEO GAME.

(She WINKS to the camera and goes inside. The man standing behind the desk has a MAD LOOK on his face.)

Man: Welcome to Arkham, HAHAHAHAHAHA, I LOVE SHEEP.

Leslie: I've brought the delivery of brain pills. The hospital took the unusual step of having one of its doctors deliver the pills instead of a delivery man. To make sure they get to the right brains. Wait, what was that about sheep?

Man: I'm having a tea party ON THE MOON!

(He pulls a tea pot out and pours it down his pants.)

Leslie: It's like the inmates are running the asylum!

(A doctor limps in.)

Doctor: No, don't worry about Mike Hatter there...we call him M. Hatter for short...

M. Hatter: And my nickname is Mad!

Doctor: Yes, thanks for spelling that out. Anyway, he's just, umm, doing work experience. That's what it is. Now, give me those brain pills so I can store them somewhere nice and safe...

Woman's Voice Shouting From Other Room: No, bring those brain pills to ME, doctor.

Leslie: That voice...so familiar...but who!

Doctor: Well, goodbye, lady!

Leslie: No wait, I want to see who's in there...

(She walks into the other room with the doctor limping after her.)

Doctor: No, wait!

(BARBARA is sitting at a desk with her feet up on a naked patient used as a footstool. She is wearing glases and her hair is SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT than before.)

Leslie: Well...sorry, I thought you were someone else!

Barbara: Nope! Just Doctor Harley Quinn here in my glasses and with this new hairstyle.

Leslie: Well, sorry for think you were suspicious. I'll just be going now.

Barbara: Okay, bye Lelie!

Leslie: Bye! Wait a mintue...how did you know my name is Leslie!?

Barbara: Your name tag.

(Leslie looks down and sees she is wearing a "I AM LESLIE" name tag.)

Leslie: Oh, right, sorry.

Barbara: JUST GO.

(Barbara shakes her head in anger like people do sometimes and her GLASSES fall off.)

Leslie: Wait a minute...Barabara!

Doctor: I tried to warn you! She smashed one of my feet with a mallet, so I had no choice other than to give her total control of the hospital!

Leslie: Barbara, just take a brain pill, you'll fill better.

(Barbara SMASHES the brain pill jar with her mallet.)

Barbara: Oh, I'll take something alright. YOU. AS A HOSTAGE. And then I'll finally show Jim what kind of a woman I am. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

M. Hatter: Hahahahahaha!

Doctor: Hahahahaha, I'm not actually a doctor either, I'm Pervy Joe! She hit my foot with a mallet because I'm a pervert!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Meanwhile, Fish, Selina and Penguin are still reacting to Penguin being Ivy's father.)

Selina: Wuh...wut...wah!?

Fish: Congrats, Pengy. I never knew you had it in you.

Ivy: You can't kill him while he owes me A MILLION DOLARS in child support!

Penguin: But I can't be your father! I'm g...g...g...going to ask for a DNA test!

Ivy: Oh but you are...DAD!

Selina: Ouch! Sick burn!

Fish: Oh SNAP!

Penguin: But I can't be your father! I'm a v...v...v...very unlikely candidate to be your father! What age are you supposed to be after this recasting, like sixteen?

Ivy: Fourteen, I think? Maybe I'd know IF MY DAD HAD SENT ME ANY BIRTHDAY CARDS.

Penguin: Ah ha! Fourteen years ago, my mom was keeping me in all the time because she wanted more hugs from me! So I can't be your father!

Ivy: Oh no? Remember that time your mom slipped in the bath while you were sponging her back? You had to call a sexy woman paramedic to get her out of the bath! That was MY mother.

Penguin: But I didn't have sex with her!

Ivy: No, but she used the toilet seat after you!

Selina: ...this is a bit weird, right?

Fish: I kind of like it!

(Fish starts stroking her fake eye and making moaning noises. Selina backs away from her slowly.)

Penguin: But I thought your father was the guy who killed the Waynes!

Ivy: NOPE. Mom lied about him being my dad because she was ashamed of having gotten pregnant from your dirty toilet seat. But now I'm BACK, DAD, and you've got a LOT of making up to do!

Penguin: Please, Fish, cut me down...so I can HUG MY DAUGHTER.

Fish: Oh, okay!

Selina: What!

Fish: You know I hate you Penguin, and you did plot to have me killed for months and you did literally try to murder me but it was okay because Fish can swim...but everyone knows I'd never come between a father and a daughter!

Selina: What! That's not an established character trait you have at all!

Fish: In fact, I say the four of us team up together and take over the city! We'll be unstoppable!

Penguin: Good plan!

Fish: And the first thing me must do is that you, Penguin, must KILL your friend James Gordon!

Ivy: Kill him for me, daddy.

Penguin: If my little girl wants me to, I will!

Fish: And you, Selina, must steal the previous Wayne Family Jewel from Wayne Manor!

Selina: Sure, it's probably in the study.

Fish: Mwuahahahahaha!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Bruce is in his study looking down sadly at the door to the Batcave that he still can't open because it's not sweeps yet. Selina slinks in the window.)

Selina: Hey what's the big idea not helping a lady in the window, huh, kid?

Bruce: Oh, sorry...

(He blushes. She laughs.)

Selina: Hey calm down kid okay I was just joking okay kid hey what's the secret corridor for hey what's in that secret room, kid?

Bruce: Umm...it's...just...Alfred's...pants.

Selina: Wait, is that where you keep the secret Wayne Family Jewel?

Bruce: Umm...sure?

Selina: Well let's go down and I'll pick the lock, kid!

Bruce: Selina, even your noted master lock-picking skills won't get through one of my father's locks!

Selina: We'll see, kid!

(They go down the stairs and Selina tries to pick the lock for tens seconds. She gives up in frustration.)

Selina: It's hopeless, GRRR! She'll never respect me now!

Bruce: Who's she?

Selina: Uhh...my mom. She's a master thief, okay kid, stop making a big deal about it and I'll let you hold my hand.

Bruce: Deal!

(They hold hands but DRUNKEN IRISH MAN SHEAMUS appears at the top of the stairs.)

Sheamus: Oh to be sure to be sure, what's all this then, what are you two little urchins doing down the APPLES AND PEARS, EH, are you snogging each other you little scamp, och, hoots mon! Blood sausage!

Selina: ...what.

Bruce: No, we weren't, umm...apples and pearsing?

(He starts to come down the stairs but Bruce runs up to stop him.)

Sheamus: Let me have a wee look at that door you've got there, squire!

Bruce: No, don't!

(Sheamus grabs Bruce.)

Sheamus: I should give you a good seeing to, lad, like my father used to with a red hot pocker, AND IT MADE ME THE MAN I AM TODAY.

(Selina runs up the side of the wall somehow and kicks Sheamus down the stairs.)

Bruce: I think he's still alive!

(Selina knives Sheamus 38 times and the blood goes everywhere.)

Selina: HAHAHAHAHAHA, DIE!

Bruce: No!

Selina: What? He was going to molest you! It was self defence.

(Alfred appears at the top of the stairs.)

Alfred: What the bloody bollocking shit is going on here, for Christ's sake! Did you just murder Sheamus you little slag?

Selina: Well...

Bruce: No, Alfred. I did it. He tried to molest me so I knived him to death then Selina picked up the knife and rolled around in the blood for some reason.

Alfred: Christ! You should have just let him Roger you! It made me the man I am today! Still, it's good that you can take care of yourself. Maybe we'll make a man out of you yet!

(Alfred bends over to pat Bruce on the head and the Wayne Family Jewel drops out of his pocket. Selina grabs it.)

Selina: YOINK!

(She runs away with the jewel as Bruce sobs over the body of murdered Sheamus and Alfred looks awkward.)

Alfred: Well...better carve him up and feed his corpse to homeless people then!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Gordon and Bullock are walking down an unconvincing street set.)

Bullock: Man! We got nothin'! We ain't got a clue, man! Mallets! What are they anyway, some kind of elephant?

Gordon: That's mammoths!

Bullock: Whatever, man, I never did pay attention in SCIENCE CLASS. Too busy CHASING SKIRT.

Gordon: We need to ask if anyone's seen anyone with a mallet.

Bullock: Hey there's Jimmy the Bum I'll ask him.

(Jimmy sees Bullock and instantly RUNS AWAY. Bulock and Gordon give chase. Jimmy climbs up a fire escape and onto the roof of a building. He jumps from building to building and Gordon matches every jump. Jimmy jumps right off one building and lands on a PILE OF BOXES so is naturally unhurt. He turns to run down an alley but runs into Bullock's fist.)

Bullock: Man, why'd you run!

Jimmy: You broke my leg last time I saw you.

Bullock: Oh no. But Fish paid me to do that! Anyway, I'm not a dirty cop anymore. I need to know about mammoths.

Gordon: Mallets!

Bullock: Oops!

Jimmy: Mallets...yeah, I saw a guy with a mallet last week. Funny thing was, it was a strange mallet....kind shiny...

Gordon: We've hit gold!

Bullock: Where was this guy with the mallet, you creepy!

(Bullock shakes Jimmy violently even though it's completely unnecessary.)

Bullock: He was going into a doctor's office! The office...OF VICTOR FREEZE!!!!!

(Gordon and Bullock look at each other in shock. Bullock drops Jimmy into a dumpster.)

Gordon: You know what this means...

Bullock: Yeah. The guy was going to KILL Freeze but he wasn't home so he killed someone else in anger!

Gordon: Yeah! Let's go to his office and warn him!

(They start running to Freeze's office but PENGUIN steps in their path. He is holding a KNIFE behind his back.)

Penguin: Oh, Jim. I have something for you...

TO BE CONTINUED MAYBE
 
(Barbara, M. Hatter, Pervy Joe, the Young Joker and Leslie as a hostage are still hanging around Arkham laughing. Except Leslie because she's a hostage.)

Leslie: So, umm, are you just going to stand around here laughing all day or what?

Barbara: Good point, toots. I should go out ont he streets and start a-killin' people, puddin'!

Leslie: No! And why have you started talking in that weird accent?

Young Joker: That's my Harley, hehehehe!

(They MAKE OUT.)

Leslie: Hang on, you weren't even in the previous scene! Like the actor wasn't available when we shot that episode!

Young Joker: I was murdering someone out back, okay?

M. Hatter: A lovely tea party it was, tee hee!

Pervy Joey: I like tits.

Barbara: But Leslie dos have a point. We need to hit the town. Where can we go?

Young Joker: How about we go and visit my OLD DOCTOR. It's HIS fault I ended up in here. HE told me that it was a good idea to be a criminal.

Barbara: What's his name, lover? I'll gut him like a fish for you. With my mallet.

Younger Joker: His name? Why, Harley, his name....WAS DOCTOR FREEZE.

(He pauses for a long moment.)

Leslie: Who gives a fuck, none of us know him.

Younger Joker: But I don't want to gut him, I want to shake his hand! He convcined me to become a criminal and that means I got to meet you, my PUMPKIN.

Barbara: Well I do declare!

(They make out agian.)

Pervy Joe: Fuck, even I'm getting bored of watching them two swap spit.

M. Hatter: So why are you masturbating then?

Pervy Joe: Reflex!

Barbara: Come on, let's go outside. But we'll need DISGUISES to sneak into Freeze's office.

(They go outside. A CIRCUS SUPPLIES VAN is driving by.)

Young Joker: Perfect!

(He pulls out a grappling hook.)

Leslie: ...why did you even have that?

Young Joker: I found it inside a nurse...after I cut the nurse open, that is, Hahahahaha!

Barbara: Hot!

(He shoots the circus van with his grappling hook and PULLS it off the road because he's stronger than a van or somoething. The driver comes running out.)

Driver: Please don't kill me!

Young Joker: Okay.

(Barbara brutally beats the drive to death with her mallet.)

Barbara: I'LL do it instead!

(Pervy Joe toses CIRCUS OUTFITS to Young Joker and Barbara and they put them on.)

Young Joker: Hey, I feel good wearing this...it feels right.

Barbara: I do declare!

Leslie: ....seriously who's writing this shit?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
There should be a tense reappearance of the weird hobo Scottish SAS guy.

Alfred: "Piss off!"
Weird Hobo Scottish SAS Guy: "Oh, told me, eh! An' 'oo drapped a wee poo on YOUR toast, eh!"
Alfred: "You stabbed me wiv a noif, din ya, ya cheese curd!"
Weird Hobo Scottish SAS Guy: "Ohhhhhh, aye, Ah ded a bet, but what's a peck o' frien'leh stabbin, eh!"
 
Gordon: What is it you want, Penguin?

Penguin: I have something for you, a special gift...

(Penguin is sneaking the knife into position.)

Bullock: Look out, Jim, he's got a knife!

(Penguin LUNGES forward with the knife. Jim looks shocked but the knife clashes with ANOTHER KNIFE being held by JOE CHILL who just appeared from nowhere for SHOCK VALUE. Chill drops his knife and curses and runs away.)

Gordon: What just happened! That was a confusingly edited sequence! It seemed like Penguin was going to stab me, but then that turned out to be a misdirect and there was another guy there!

Penguin: I'd never stab you, Jim, not even for my daughter! If I had one! No, I bought you a new knife as a present and I was about to hand it to you when I saw some guy about to stab you and I deflected his attack!

Bullock: Well it's lucky we've further bugged this down by explaining it!

(Gordon leans over and picks up Chill's knife.)

Gordon: Wait a minute...this knife is made...OF ICE.

Bulock: Son of a bitch! An ice knife!

Gordon: This explains A LOt.

Bullock: Yeah! Does it?

Gordon: Think about it, we never found a murder weapon for the mallet attacks. What if Joe Chill has a mallet made...OF ICE.

Bullock: Son of a bitch!

Penguin: Anyway, I'm still standing here...

Gordon: Oh, right. Well, thanks for the save. I guess I owe you one now and will help you maintain your criminal empire.

Penguin: It's lucky you randomly changed last season from wanting to bring down all the criminals to wanting to prop up the main criminal! Anyway, bye!

Gordon: What about that knife? Weren't you going to give it to me?

Penguin: Oh, I'll GIVE IT TO YOU all right...

(He STABS THE KNIFE FORWARD at Gordon but then stops right before him and hands it to him.0

Gordon: What an odd way to pass a knife!

(Penguin walks away.)

Bullock: Ice...wasn't Doctor Freeze always saying things about ice? And the murder was right outside his office! Maybe...

Gordon: Freeze was the intended victim! Good call, Bullock. We have to go to his office and warn him that the maniac Joe Chill could be paying him a visit soon!

(They run towards Freeze's office. Just as they get there, the CIRCUS SUPPLIES TRUCK pulls up outside, blocking the door!)

Bullock: What kind of a JOKER would park like that!

Young Joker(jumping out of the truck with a machine gun): Funny you should ask!

(He starts shooting at them. Meanwhile Penguin is using a public phone in the background.)

Penguin: I just coldn't stab Jim, my daughter, I'm sorry! But don't worry! I have a plan! WE kill Fish Mooney and rule Gotham as father and daughter!

(He is unaware that SELINA is hanging upside down above the phone listening in!)

TO BE CONTINUED YEAH I'M FUCKING CARRYING THIS ON TO THE BITTER END
 
(Bruce and Alfred are walking through the docks in broad daylight with Sheamus' body.)

Bruce: Alfred, are you sure nobody will wonder why we're walking through the docks with a dead body in the broad daylight?

Alfred: We'll just tell them he's drunk, Master Bruce.

Bruce: But all the blood...

Alfred: We'll just tell them he's BLOODY drunk!

(They both laugh at this pun. Finally they reach the part of the docks where people throw bodies into the sea. Nygma is there, pushing Officer Cliche's body over the edge.)

Nygma: Now that you are dead, Miss Kringle will be ALL MINE. She's bound to go out with me now that I've murdered two men. She'll think "those men are dead so I was wrong to ge out with them. I should go out with Edward who's alive!" GOLLUM, GOLLUM!

(He turns round and sees Bruce and Alfred holding the dead Sheamus up. There is a long, awkward pause.)

Nygma: I won't tell anyone if you don't!

Bruce: We can't let him go, Alfred, it would be morally wrong.

Alfred: But we can't let him tell anyone that we're murdering sods! It's a RIDDLE that's hard to solve!

Bruce: Yes, he's like some kind of RIDDLER.

Nygma: Wrapped in a Nygma!

Bruce and Alfred: ...

Nygma: Because it's my name. Oh, I should have just lied and said my friend Cliche was going for a swim. Or I could fake suicide!

(He pulls out a FAKE GUN and fakes shooting himself in the head then dives into the water.)

Alfred: There's sharks in there, he's done for! Oh well, that's that plot point resolved anyway. So yeah let's throw Sheamus in the drink. Goodbye, you drunken, child-molesting, Irish or Scottish wankpot!

Sheamus(WAKING UP): Oww, my head!

Bruce: No!

(Sheamus is ALIVE! Bruce and Alfred jump back in shock.)

Alfred: Bloody hell, Sheamus, how did you survive being stabbed 38 times?

Sheamus: What, you think I've never been stabbed 38 times by a WEE LASSIE before? Happened all time growing up on the mean streets of ABERDEEN.

Bruce: I can't believe it!

Alfred: I feel like looking deep into the Wayne Family Jewel at my own reflection as I always do when I'm surprised by something.

Bruce: You do that all the time!

(Alfred reaches into his pocket for the Wayne Family Jewel but it's GONE!)

Alfred: What! Where could it be! There's just a CURLY HAIR in my pocket...like the kind on the head of that little slag Selina!

Bruce: She must have stolen the jewel! She's so evil...but so hot!

Alfred: Well you better have stored her in your wank bank because you won't be seeing her again! The Wayne Family Jewel contains a QUANTUUM SINGULARITY in its core! It will BLOW UP if it's taken outside the Wayne Manor for more than an hour! The little slag will be blown sky high in TEN MINUTES!

Bruce: I have to save her!

Alfred: Bloody bollocking shite, come back!

(But Bruce has RUN AWAY.)

Sheamus: Well, that's him dead too. Let's hit up a fish and chips shop and then blow up some Catholics like we used to do back home!

Alfred: I'm sorry, Sheamus. I can't allow you to live now that you have information you could use to blackmail Bruce.

Sheamus: That's okay, I had a good life!

(Alfred coldly shoots Sheamus in the face killing him and his body drops into the water and sinks like dead bodies do. Officer Cliche sticks his head up from under the water.)

Cliche: ...is Nygma gone yet? I can't hold my breath forever!

(Alfred shoots him in the face too and his body sinks.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Joker, Barbara, Pervy Joe and M. Hatter are shooting at Jim and Bullock with machine guns. They jump behind some boxes and are safe.)

Barbara: It's lucky that circus supplies truck was also smuggling machine guns! How do you like me now, Jim?

Gordon: I don't!

Barbara: Hey, that's MEAN.

(She SHOOTS HARDER at him.)

Bullock: Why did these NUTLOOPS show up at Freeze's office anyway?

Gordon: I don't know...but I've got a feeling he's the KEY to cracking this case WIDE OPEN!

Bullock: Who would have thought it!

(Leslie sneaks out the back of the circus supply truck. She waves to Jim then points to Barbara. He nods. Leslie sneaks up behind Barbara and PULLS HER HAIR. Barbara throws her machine gun down and starts GIRL FIGHTING with Leslie!)

Gordon: My girl can fight!

Bullock: Yeah, but girls are only good for taking out other girls. We have to tackle the MEN ourselves!

Gordon: Agreed, partner!

(They BURST out through the boxes. The bad guys are so surprised that they forget to fire their guns. Gordon punches M. Hatter so hard that his HAT flies off and he faints in shock. Bullock shoots Pervy Joe in the neck. Joker and Gordon face off.)

Joker: HEHEHEHEHEHE, it is our DESTINY to fight like this! That's the real JOKE here!

Gordon: ...what?

(Joker kicks Gordon's gun out of his hand then kicks him in the face in the same motion because he has super kicking powers I guess. Gordon is hurt and Joker stands over him ready to kill him but Gordon pulls out the ICE KNIFE Penguin gave him and STABS Joker in the GUT. Joker falls down an open MANHOLE.)

Bullock: He's dead! You did it!

Gordon: No, the knife had started to melt. He'll survive. Maybe ANOTHER is destined to stop his circus of terror.

Bullock: Yeah, maybe. Hey, it's Freeze!

Freeze: Ah yes. I see you have discovered the joy of an ice knife yourself.

Bullock: You got some questions to answer, buddy!

(JOE CHILL comes up behind Bullock and hits him over the head with a MALLET MADE FROM ICE.)

Freeze: ICE to see you, Joe.

Gordon: No! You two are working together!? But...no! Why! WHY, DAMN YOU!

Freeze: Because Victor Freeze and Joe Chill...ARE BROTHERS!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Selina arrives back at the abandoned warehouse where Fish and Ivy are just standing around waiting. Butch is there too and he's playing with a yo-yo. Nobody mentions him at all for the entire scene.)

Selina: Hey okay I'm back what's the big deal stop hassling me hey.

Fish: Did you bring the Wayne Family Jewel? I need it to build my empire.

Ivy: And where's my pops?

Selina: Oh, right, I heard Penguin say he's going to betray us. Sorry. Can we kill him, Fish? Can you melt his feet first to really hurt him?

Fish: Yes, yes we can! Sorry, Ivy.

Ivy: That's okay. Youv'e been more of a father to me than he ever has, Fish.

(She cuddles Fish just as Penguin walks in.)

Penguin: No! My own daughter!

Selina: You've known she was your daughter for five minutes!

Penguin: But I always wanted one! Being a father has changed me.

Fish: Is that why you didn't kill Gordon?

Penguin: Uhh...yeah, sure. It was nothing to do with me being sexually obsessed with him. It's because I'm a father. I can't stand to hurt another human being again!

(Fish walks towards him and holds a knife to his throat.)

Fish: THAT IS A LOAD OF...the sweetest thing I've ever heard! You're alright, Penguin!

Ivy: I love you, daddy!

(Ivy runs over and hugs Penguin just as BRUCE WAYNE walks in.)

Bruce: Stop! You don't understand! Stop!

Fish: Damn it, what's that kid doing here! We'll have to kill him now!

Selina: Umm, why?

Fish: He's seen our whole operation!

Bruce: Your operation appears to be just you guys standing around in an empty warehouse?

Fish: See? He knows everything! Kill him, Selina. PROVE THAT YOU'RE ONE OF US.

Bruce: But I'm here to impart important information! You see...

Selina: Sorry, Bruce. I have to gut you like a worm.

Bruce: That's not a real expression! And I have something IMPORTANT to say! You see...

(Selina starts to walk towards Bruce but then the Wayne Family Jewel starts to GLOW.)

Selina: Hey what's this thing doing kid why's it glowing kid hey what's the big idea?

Bruce: I was trying to say, the Wayne Family Jewel is a QUANTUM SINGULARITY BOMB and the glowing means it's going to explode soon and kill us all!

Penguin: And just when I met my daughter too!

Fish: Wait, that jewel is about the same size of my eye...

(She POPS her eyeball out with a spoon she had for some reason.)

Selina: Eww, gross!

Fish: Oh, I lost my eye on a crazy island full of body part perverts or something. The story went nowhere so I never told anyone. Give me the jewel. I'll absorb the blast in my eye socket.

Selina: Oh, sure.

(She gives Fish the jewel and shrugs.)

Penguin: But you'll be killed! And just when I've figured out that I...LOVE you!

Fish: Maybe the quantum explosion will create a blackhole and suck me to another dimension.

Bruce: No that won't happen you'll die.

Fish: It's worth a roll of the dice!

(She puts the jewel in her eye socket and it explodes and she disappears!)

Penguin: ...and now, I'm the kingpin of crime again!

Bruce: Are you going to kill me?

Penguin: Umm...maybe WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.

(Ominous music plays.)

Selina: So, want to go steal apples with me, Bruce?

Bruce: When you were about to gut me with your worm-gutting knife...I got a funny feeling inside.

(THEY START KISSING. Ivy turns to Penguin.)

Ivy: By the way I lied about you being my father.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Gordon and Bullock have been dragged up to Freeze's appartment and tied up by him and Joe Chill, but they start speaking as if the last part's cliffhanger just happened.)

Bullock: BROTHERS!?!?!?!?!?

Gordon: You can't be brothers! You have different surnames!

Bullock: He's got you there! You have to let us go now!

Joe Chill: Oh but we are brothers!

Freeze: He's adopted!

Gordon: Damn! Thought I had you there!

Bullock: But why kill that guy and also Montoya and Allen!

Freeze: That guy was perving on my dear wife who I love so much. So I beat him to death with an ice mallet while my brother stabbed him to death with an ice knife. Then the mallet and knife melted so now there's no evidence hahaha!

Chill: It was the perfect crime!

Gordon: You keep talking about your wife, but where even is she, huh! What does she think about you being a STINKING murderer?

(Freeze opens his closet. His WIFE is standing there, frozen.)

Freeze: I frooze her, so that she could never cheat on me with another man! She is perfect now!

Chill: Must be NIPPY in there, haha!

Freeze: DON'T PERV AT MY WIFE.

(Freeze hits Chill with a kettle, knocking him out.)

Freeze: Oh and I killed those two police officers months ago because they were investigating why I kept ordering so much ice to be delivered to my house. I'm surprised you didn't find out until now. Anyway, I should probably kill you both...

Gordon: Damn it, Freeze, you don't have to do this. There must be good in you if you love your wife enought to freeze her and keep her in a closet. Please, just set us free!

Freeze: Strong words. They would bring tears to a glass eye. But my eyes, like my heart...are made of ICE!

Bullock: No they're not! They're just normal eyes!

(But LESLIE has sneaked in behind Freeze and she hits him over the head with a frying pan.)

Leslie: That was for WOMEN EVERYWHERE!

Gordon: Leslie! You proved your worth! Untie us before something goes wrong!

(BARBARA sneaks in behind Leslie with with her mallet and prepars to hit Leslie.)

Barbara: Too late! Now I will win you back, Jim, you will love me again when I splatter Leslie's brain matter all over you...

(But COMMISSIONER LOEB steps out of a dark corner of the room and SHOOTS Barbara in the SHOULDER knocking her down.)

Loeb: Lucky I got here in time! It's ovvious Barbara is responsible for all the mallet murders and Victor Freeze and Joe Chill are ENTIRELY INNOCENT of all charges!

Gordon: That's not possible! Barbara was in Arkham during the mallet murders! And Freee and Chill tied us up here!

Loeb: There's no evidence of that!

Gordon: And he has his wife frozen in the closet!

Loeb: She probably just fell into the fridge freezer. Women do that all the time, am I right, Harvey?

Bullock: Hahaha, he's got us there!

Gordon: Damn it! Looks like I'm going to have to continue fighting against the corruption in this city!

Leslie: Also I'm pregnant!

(Barbara is being dragged away by cops.)

Barbara: Please, Jim...for me...avenge me...by naming your child after me if it's a girl...please!

Gordon: BARBARA GORDON...I liked that name!

(He looks into the camera and winks and then it freeze frames on him winking. Bullock, Loeb and Leslie shrug and walk out of the freeze frame while Gordon stays winking for the entire end credits.)

THE END
 
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