Freestyle Heroes: Volume 5

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
PROLOGUE

(Nathan is eating a hamburger.)

Nathan: Mmm, I love the taste of meat.

(Angela looks at him funny.)

Angela: What do you mean?

Nathan: You know, beef.

Angela: Oh, right. Not human meat. Hahaha.

Nathan: What? Why are you acting so crazy?

Angela: Uhh, we didn't! I mean, no! Nothing! No reason! It's just so good to have you back.

Nathan: I didn't go anywhere!

Angela: Right...right...

(Peter walks in. HE'S DRUNK.)

Peter: Why don't you just tell him, mom? THIS WHOLE THING IS A SHAM, AHAHHAHAHA.

(He falls about drunkenly.)

Angela: You're drunk!

Nathan: Pete, what's wrong?

Peter: Shut up, Sy...Simon. Simple Simon. DUH!

Nathan: That hurts, Pete. Are you upset because of that irish girl you left trapped in the future?

Peter: WHO?

(SUDDENLY Hiro and Ando appear in the room, but they're wearing METAL OUTFITS so you know they're from the future.)

Nathan: Shit!

Hiro: Hello, flying man! We are from the future and we have a warning for you!

Angela: What warning? And I thought if you used your powers again your brain would explode!

(Hiro turns around and his SKULL IS OPEN with a gaping hole in it.)

Hiro: It did!

Ando: There isn't time to explain because the writers haven't thought up an explanation yet!

Angela: Stuff and nonsense!

Ando: Listen, Missus Petrelli, YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR SON. He isn't who he appears to be.

Peter: THERE'S A FUCKING SHOCK.

Nathan: What does he mean, mum? Hold on, it suddenly says something on my arm...

(He holds out his arm where the words "I AM SYLAR" have appeared like Sylar self-harmed onto himself if you remember.)

Nathan: NOOO! I CAN'T BE TRUSTED!

(He pulls out a gun and blows his own head off.)

Hiro: No, not him! PETER! You can't trust PETER! He's a vampire!

Peter: Hahaha, that's right!

(Peter bites future Ando KILLING HIM then flies out the window.)

Peter: BLOOD!

Angela: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY PETER'S NAME THEN?

Hiro: For suspense!

(The comedy Hiro music plays.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Mohinder(voiceover): What is this feeling we all feel once in our life? Is it clamness? The clam before the storm? They say that sailors can feel a storm coming on the wind. But what happens when you can't feel a storm coming? Does that mean no storm is coming at all? Or does it just mean it is coming in unexpected ways?

(Claire is walking around her house smiling. Mister Muggles barks at her. Claire giggles.)

Claire: Oh Mister Muggles!

(Noah walks down the stairs.)

Noah: I love you, Clairebear.

Claire: I love you too, daddy.

(The hug and rub noses together. It's a bit disturbing. Lyle is sitting in the corner playing PSP but neither of them look at him for even a second.)

Noah: Everything's okay now, Clairebear. Sylar's dead and there's nothing else bad in the world but him.

Claire: I keep thinking it's a dream, daddy.

Noah: It's not a dream, Clairebear. It's reality. You're awake.

Claire: I feel awake!

Noah: Hey, look, our new neighbours are moving in.

(Claire and Noah look out the window GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOL GIRLS for some reason. The new neighbours are a BLACK family. The TEENAGE BOY look at Claire and she smiles but he looks MOODY.)

Claire: I don't like him!

Noah: Oh, I'm sure you'll make friends in no time!

Claire: Whatever, I'm going upstairs.

(She goes upstaris and writes "DEAR DIARY, I REALLY LIKE THE BLACK KID WHO MOVED IN NEXT DOOR" in her diary. Then PETER flies through her window with blood still dripping from his thangs.)

Peter: HELLO NIECE.

Claire: Peter! My God, what happened to you?

Peter: Nathan's gone even again. He tried to kill me. You have to help me kill him!

Claire: Okay! I'll tell dad.

Peter: NO. He can't know. This is something you must do yourself. To become a real hero.

Claire: That makes sense!

(Peter SMILES EVILY. MEANWHILE Nathan wakes up and he's still alive because he's regenerated becuase he's really Sylar.)

Nathan: Where am I? I can't remember who I am!

(He gets up.)

Nathan: Maybe a cool drink of water would help.

(He turns the tap and and pours himself a glass of water. But as he tries to turn it off the water KEEPS FLOWING.)

Nathan: What the deuce?

(The water turns into a NAKED ALI LARTER.)

Ali Larter: Hello.

Nathan: Is that you, Nikki?

Ali: No.

Nathan: Jessica?

Ali: No!

Nathan: Tracey?

Ali: Umm, yeah, I think I'm that one.

Nathan: Who am I?

Ali: That's easy. You're THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES.

Nathan: But we have a president!

(A tv turns on out of nowhere.)

News Reporter: And to recap the president is DEAD he has been FROZEN to death by some kind of ICE.)

Nathan: Huh.

Mohinder: But know this. When the storm comes, you will know it's a storm. And even if you try to remain calm, you won't be truly calm. No man can be calm while there is a storm going on around him.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Meanwhile Matt Parkman comes out of a toy shop with bags full of toys for baby Matt Parkman, hapilly haven forgotten the blonde girl, and all the men he killed because of her.

Suddenly he notices a traffic warden putting a ticket on his car.

He leans his head slightly and warden rips the ticket up.

A hot woman walks by in a tight top.

Parkman tilts his head and she flashes her tits at him.

He smiles and gets in the car without a care in the world.

But before he can start the engine, a voice in the back of the car says "dont move"

And he feels a gun at the back of his head.

He tilts his head, but nothing happens.

He looks in the mirror and in the back is Danko and the Hatian.

"One of us, one of them." Danko says pulling the trigger, although the scene fades before we see Matt get shot
 
Mohinder(voiceover): What is good? What is evil? How can something be evil if no choice is involved? If evil is a biological response, can it really be evil? Or is it good? Or is it evil? Or is it evil to be good?

Angela: How do we stop my son?

Future Hiro: Search me! I never managed to stop the bastard, did I?

Angela: Well, how did he become a vampire!

Future Hiro: Ah, funny story. It involves YOU DYING. Here, I'll show you.

(He touches her head.)

Angela: Hang on, you don't have that ability!

Future Hiro: Remember, I'm Hiro from the future, biznatch!

(Everything goes all wavy and we see Hiro, Ando and Peter hanging out in a bar in the future.)

Peter: Here's to saving the world!

Hiro: Cheers!

Ando: The Crimson Arch says cheers!

Peter: Haha, I love you crazy guys!

(He musses up Hiro's hair. Then he PHONE RINGS.)

Peter: Yeah...uh huh...my mother has been killed by Danko and the Haitian...right...NO. NO! NOT MY MOTHER.

(He throws his phone away.)

Peter: NOOOOOOOO!

Hiro: Something wrong?

Peter: I hae to avenge my mother's death! But how? I don't have any powers now after that fight with PUPPET MASTER GUY a few weeks ago.

(A SHADY FIGURE, played by Walter Koenig, walks over.)

Shady: I can give you the power to avenge your sexy mother.

Peter: Umm, how?

Shady: BY BITING YOUR NECK AND TURNING YOU INTO A CREATURE OF THE NIGHT, BLAH!

Peter: Then I'll be strong!

Ando: No, Peter!

Hiro: If you are a vampire you can't be a hero.

Ando: Ah, but what about Blade?

Hiro: Sssh!

Peter: I'LL DO IT.

(Walter Koenig bites Peter's neck and he turns into a vampire right away.)

Vampire Peter: THE POWER.

(FLASHBACK to the present. Angela is crying.)

Angela: No! It's all my fault, kind of!

Future Hiro: Yeah, ho.

(SUDDENLY we see PRESENT DAY Hiro and Ando watching from the bushes.)

Hiro: Who is that!

Ando: Maybe it's you from the future.

Hiro: But I can't time travel anymore. It MUST BE an evil duplicate. And we MUST kill him!

(Hiro pulls out a SWORD.)

Mohinder: But what if you make a choice to be evil for good reasons? Are you still evil? Or are you good? Or are you evil? What if you make a choice to be good for evil reasons but end up being good for real? Are you still evil? Or are you good? A wolf in sheep's clothing? Or a sheep who used to be a wolf but is now genuinely a sheep but could still be a wolf if it wanted to be?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Matt wakes up in a hotel room with Linderman.

Matt:Am I dead?

Linderman: Well I certainly am old boy.

Matt: Wait a minute, arent you just a mental projection sent by my dad?

Linderman: No hes dead too remember

Matt: Peter and Sylars dad?

Linderman: Peters dad is also dead, and wasnt really Sylars dad, Sylars dad was Lex Luthors dad, and I was in Blue Thunder

Matt: Wait, your just breaking the 4th wall now

Linderman: You must break the 4th wall too if you are to come with me to alderaan

Matt: Alderaan?

Linderman: Did I say alderaan, I meant cleethorpes.

Matt: That makes even less sence than Alderaan!

Linderman fading from view: Break the 4th wall!

Trendy hip hop talking black guy:Yo Yo dawg, you be the Parkster yeah?

Matt: Where did you come from?

THHTBG: I came from sterotypical poorly research black guys are us bro, blat blat blat

Matt tilts his head: Act like a real person

Black guy: Yeah mate, you need to get out of this room and soon, cause someone is coming to fuck you up

Matt: ok still a little sterotyped, but better

Black guy fading away: Break the 4th wall!

Matt is alone again, he looks around the room

Matt: But which is the 4th wall?
 
Angela: Wait a minute, if vampire Peter is from the future, then where is present day Peter?

Future Hiro: How the ho-hell should I know!

(Hiro and Ando are still hiding in the bushes.)

Hirio: Now I will kill my evil duplicate who is probably Sylar with my sword of justice.

Ando: Wait! Why can't I, THE CRIMSON DYNAMO, do the killing? I'm a hero.

Hiro: No, Ando, it is part of every hero's journey to slay his evil self.

Ando: No it isn't, you just made that up! You still think I'm a sidekick!

Hiro: Ando, that's no true. Now cover me with your little sparky things while I kill my evil self.

Ando: No, I'll take him alone, RARRR!

Hiro: Andokin, no!

(Ando throws a big fireball at Future Hiro, but Future Hiro easily makes it stop in mid air then it turns into a flock of doves somehow.)

Ando: Shit!

Hiro: Ando, you fucktard, only a sword can stop me!

(Hiro charges with his sword down like when he stabbed Sylar at the end of season one in a rare continuity reference but Future Hiro just blinks and the sword turns into BABY MATT PARKMAN somehow.)

Future Hiro: Come on, ho-tits, I remember doing this when I was young, they'll be making stupid faces at the baby for twenty minutes, let't go!

(MEANWHILE Nathan and Ali Larter are in bed. HAVING SEX.)

Nathan: OH GOD ALI LARTER, you're so much hotter than Claire!

Ali Larter: Err, isn't she your daughter?

Nathan: Huh, yeah, that's weird. Why do I have so many memories of wanking over her?

Ali Larter: Umm...awkward...

Nathan: It's weird. I also have lots of memories of looking in the mirror and seeing Sylar's face. And people calling me Sylar and me singing "LA LA LA, IM SY-LAR" in the shower.

Ali Larter: And your penis just shape-shifted into Sylar's!

Nathan: What could this mean!

Ali Larter: It means...your press conference is now, dear. Oh, and it's also time to meet your new campaign manager.

(MOHINDER walks in smoking a pipe.)

Mohinder: Hello there!

Nathan: A steay pair of hands looking after me. Nothing can go wrong now. Time for the press conference.

Ali Larter: One thing, dear.

Nathan: Yes?

Ali Larter: I think you should put some clothes on first!

Nathan: OOPS.

(They all laugh. But then we see VAMPIRE PETER hovering at the window holding Claire in his talons.)

Vampire Peter: GRRR, why does he get to shag Ali Larter? I want to shag her! When was the last time I got laid anyway? That irish girl I left in the future? FUCK!

Claire: Hey, when did you grow talons anyway?

Vampire Peter: Secondary mutation. Anyway, you ready?

Claire: I'm ready.

(Claire pulls out a SNIPER RIFLE.)

Claire: I'm ready to make Sylar pay.

Mohinder(voiceover): In the end, we all have to face our demons, be those demons in the mirror when we wake up int he morning, or the demons living in our own parents. Metaphorically we all have to slay our demons in the end, even if that means murdering our parents in cold blood, metaphorically. But what then? If we slay demons don't we, ourselves, become...demons?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
10 years earlier

In the los angeles police academy young Matt Parkman (not the baby) is on the assault course, you can tell hes young, because he looks exactly the same, but has a moustache.

Matt: "I dont know why they are training us to rape women, I think there is some kind of mix up over the word assault"

Mahoney: "Hey I'm not complaining."

Tacklebury: "I'm CGI since I'm dead in real life"

Hightower: "I think I might be dead to, but I cant remember"

The guy who makes noises "booo beep tweet"

Sawyer "Whats that R2?"

Matt: "Well I got the police acadmay references, but characters showing up from lost is a bit bizzare, plus there was meant to be rape, and theres no rape"

Hillbilly from deliverance "Squeel little piggy!"

Matt "Fuck!"

Hurley "Dude, break the fourth wall"

Matt, getting butt fucked "Dont you think I know that"

Hurley "Whoa, obscure Decker refference"
 
Angela: Where are we going?

Future Hiro: There's something else that happens in the future.

Angela: WHAT?

Future Hiro: We have sex.

Angela: ...what?

Future Hiro: Seriously, bitch. Hot, steamy sexy sex.

Angela: I knew your father! I could never sleep with you!

Future Hiro: It surprised me too. Because of SOMETHIGN ELSE I haven't told you yet.

Angela: JUST TELL ME THEN.

Future Hiro: There's a new villain with the power to make people have sex with each other. ANY two people. He's sick and twist. I was about to kill his ass but he made me shag YOUR ass instead. We need to stop him now, in the past, so that we never have sex.

Angela: Okay. BUT WHO IS HE?

Future Hiro: He's THE BLACK KID who just moved in next to Claire.

Angela: My God! I better call Noah!

(We see Noah snooping on the black kid.)

Angela(on the phone): ...yes, totally evil.

(Noah pulls out a knife.)

Noah: Then I'll gut him while his parents watch!

(Noah runs into the house with the knife. But the black kid is GIVING HIS MOTHER a spong bath.)

Noah: What are you doing, kid?

Black Kid: My mom has a terrible illness and needs regular sponge baths.

Noah: A selfless act.

(He puts the knife away.)

Black Kid: Yeah...HAHAHA.

Noah: What...oh no...OH NO!

Black Kid: Did I mention she also needs REGULAR SEX?

Mother: COME TO MAMA, FOUR EYES!

(Noah and the FAT BLACK WOMAN start having sex. Then Sandra walks in!)

Sandra: Oh Noah, I still love you and I think Lyle is autistic so he needs his dad around, let's give our marriage a second chance...WAH!

Noah(with the black tits in his mouth): It's not...MMPH...what it looks like!

(In THE BACKGROUND we see Nathan on tv having a press conference but suddenly he is SHOT in the neck!)

Mohinder(voiceover): What is life but a series of events? What is a series of events but life?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Nathan walks out for his press conference. Mohinder and Tracey smile.)

Mohinder: Is this going to work?

Tracey: Yes. Don't worry.

Mohinder: Good. We need someone to pave the way for the coming of my people.

Tracey: Nathan shall be the one, master.

(Nathan looks around at the crowd. He doesn't notice CLAIRE and PETER disguised as JANITORS at the back.)

Nathan: My fellow americans. As you all know our beloved president has died after some kind of ICE RELATED INCIDENT. This is tragic. More tragic than what happened to JFK, because at least he didn't die cold. My fellow americans, we need a new president. One who can FLY AWAY when attacked by ice. My fellow americans, that flying man is ME.

(The reporters all stand up at once.)

Nathan: ONE AT A TIME. You, you speak.

(A HOT WOMAN reporter speaks.)

Reporter: But you super people with your super powers are a menace!

Nathan: Who says so?

Reporter: You did! A couple of weeks ago!

Nathan: Yeah. I was lying. Sorry. Look, I had to lie because I'd fallen out with my little brother. But we're loving brothers again now. So I can speak the truth. You have a family, you understand.

Reporter: Well, I suppose so!

Nathan: Haha! We all have family issues. And that is why I'd be a great president.

(Another reporter stands up. A FAT MAN.)

Fat Reporter: You make some great points. But which party do you stand for?

Nathan: Umm...I don't know. My own party. The Pettrelli part. The Make The World A Better Place For All Americans Party.

Fat Reporter: Ah.

(Claire whispers to Peter.)

Claire: He seems really sincere, are you SURE he's gone evil again?

Peter: HISSSSSS, yes! He's just faking being nice! Once he's elected president he'll jail us all again. And kill you!

Claire: But I can't be killed.

Peter: Oh, you can in the future...

Claire: Huh?

Peter: NOTHING. SHOOT HIM.

Claire: I can't! He'd my daddy! My OTHER daddy. And he might not have been there for me when I was growing up as much as my DADDY daddy was - though my daddy daddy wasn't there as much as I wanted him to be either - but a daddy's still a daddy and will always be my daddy.

Peter: OH SHUT UP. I'll do it!

(He grabs the gun.)

Peter: YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, SYLAR.

Claire: Sylar? But you said that was Nathan!

(Claire ELBOWS Pete and he shoots Nathan in the neck.)

Nathan: AAAAH, MY NECK.

Peter: You stupid SLUT!

(He backhands Claire, drops the gun on her, and runs away. Cops run over.)

Cop: THis small blond woman has the gun. SHE MUST BE THE SHOOTER.

(They ARREST CLAIRE.)

Claire: Daddy!

Mohinder: You stuppa biatch! You said he was the one!

Tracey: I'm sorry!

(Mohinder turns into a GREEN SKINNED ALIEN. It's not the real Mohinder, it's an alien in disguise!)

Mohinder: Sorry ain't good enough, RRRR! Now my people will just have to DESTROY YOU FROM ORBIT, RRRR!

Tracey: Oh no!

(We see a SPACESHIP in SPACE and the REAL Mohinder in a cell.)

Real Mohinder(voicover): What are stars but light from God's mind? No man knows what makes a star shine. No man can ever know. But if a man attempts to put the light of a star out, who is to say that God himself won't strike that man down?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Alien: Much to learn we have from you.

Mohinder: It is said that in learning the mind is at its most open. But what lessons do we learn with a closed mind?

Alien: Yes, interesting...bit vague...

Mohinder: There comes a time in every man's life when he must look himself in the mirror and aske the question "who are you?" But what does that man ask if the mirror is broken?

Alien: Huh?

Mohinder: What does our DNA say about us that cannot be read in our hearts?

Alien: Wuh?

Mohinder: When we see faces in clouds, are we seeing our own face?

Alien: What? No!

Mohinder: If a man cannot eat, can he still feel hungry...

(The alien shoots Mohinder dead with a raygun.)

Alien: NUKE EARTH. NOW.

(THE ALIENS NUKE EARTH EVERYONE DIES THE END.)
 
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