Freestyle Life's Too Short thread

[CaptainWacky]

(Warwick Davis is walking down the street.)

Warwick: It's hard being a celebrity dwarf. Everyone wants a piece of you. And there's not a lot of me to go around! Because I'm a dwarf.

(A child points at Warwick. Warwick looks into the camera and smiles like David Brent from The Office.)

Child: Mummy, look!

Warwick: Haha, do you want a photo taken with the star of Harry Potter?

Child: You weren't in Harry Potter!

Warwick: Yes I was! Why were you pointing then?

Child: Because of your funny shoulders! Haha!

Warwick: I really was in Harry Potter...

Mother: Don't lie to my son!

Child: Who did you play, one of Harry's shits?

Mother: Don't swear! Say one of Harry's poos. Say he played one of Harry's poos.

Child: Haha, you're a poo!

Mother: That's right, he's a poo!

(Warwick looks into the camera embarrassed like Andy Millman from Extras.)

Voiceover: Warwick has gone to see Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant for some reason.

(Warwick is in Ricky and Stephen's office where they just sit behind a desk all day apparently.)

Warwick: Alright, chaps!

(Ricky looks into the camera like Ricky Gervais.)

Ricky: Warwick, what are you doing here?

Warwick: I just felt compelled to come for some reason! Like this is a tv shoe and I have to shoehorn you into every episode. Anyway, got any work?

Ricky: Funnily enough, we do!

Warwick: Big part in a big movie with a big star?

Ricky: Lots of big there...it's something like that.

Stephen: ...

(George Clooney barges in.)

George: Is this it?

Warwick: Wow, George Clooney!

(He tries to shake Clooney's hand but George ignores him, shakes Ricky and Stephen's hands and sits down. Warwick looks into the camera like David Brent.)

Ricky: Yeah, will it do?

George: Suppose so. Anyway, I've got something else to ask you...do you have any good pick-up lines?

Ricky: Pick-up lines?

George: Yeah, in reality I'm actually hopeless with women.

(Warwick looks into the camera like Tim from The Office.)

Ricky: Well, you know...you're pretty handsome.

George: Well, yeah. Wait, you think I'm handsome? Are you GAY?

Ricky: No!

George: Good, I just shaked your hand! Would have been a risk of AIDS if you had been a bender. It's bad enough when I have to go to Africa and pretend to care about darkies.

(Ricky, Stephen and Warwick all look into the camera like characters from a Ricky Gervais show.)

Ricky: Anyway, you're handsome, rich, charming, a famous actor, it's hardly believable at all that you'd have problems with women...

George: But I do!

Ricky: So just...be yourself.

George: Good, good stuff. I'll tell them I'm being myself. Great line. They'll fall for that! I'll be doing sex in no tme!

Ricky: Glad I could help!

Stephen: ...

Ricky: Anyway...you said you want a dwarf...

George: Yeah, I'll take it.

(He picks Warwick up with one hand and puts him under his arm. He carries Warwick out like he's a carpet)

Warwick: Where are you taking me?

(Next scene, Clooney throws Warwick into a pit with three angry poodles.)

George: Now fight for your life, dwarf. FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE.

Warwick: Wait, where are the cameras? What movie is this for, anyway?

George: What do you mean, movie? This is what I do all day!

(Warwick looks into the camera and gulps as the dogs begin to savage him.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Warwick returns to his office. He is all scratched and bitten from Clooney's dogs.)

Idiot Secretary: What happened to you. Did a biiiiiiiiiird attack you?

Warwick: No, just, err, was just doing some stunt work, okay?

Secretary: That isn't even real acting.

Warwick: It is! It hurt!

Secretary: You weren't acting if it really hurt, you were just hurt.

Warwick: Look, there's not many good roles for dwarves at the moment.

Secretary: There is for good ones.

Warwick: I am a good one! And like who?

Secretary: Like Elijah Doolittle.

Warwick: Who!?

Secretary: From Lord Of The Kings.

Warwick: You mean Elijah Wood from Lord Of The Rings! He isn't even a dwarf!

Secretary: What? Yes he is. He looked half the size of Ian McGandalf. Are you saying Ian McGandalf is a giant?

Warwick: No! They made Elijah look small with CGI.

Secretary: What did the CIA have to do with it?

Warwick: With CGI! COMPUTER GENERATED...IMAGINARIES. Or images. I don't know, we didn't use it on Willow. But that's what they used! He's really normal sized.

Secretary: Ooooooh. Wait, is that what you are?

Warwick: What?

Secretary: Are you normal sized but they're using CGI to make you small?

(Warwick looks into the camera like Tim from The Office.)

Warwick: No.

Secretary: Oh, good. Because I arranged a date for you through that dating site like you waaaaaaaaanted.

Warwick: What, what are you talking about? I don't need to use a dating site!

(Warwick looks nervously into the camera like David Brent.)

Secretary: Yes you do. In fact you specifically said to me "oh God, I need to use a dating site to get a date, I can't get one at all normally, I'm completely unable to talk to women, they seem disgusted by me, please arrange a date, I'm so fucking desperate, please, PLEASE, I don't want to die alone."

Warwick: Not in those words!

Secretary: Yes in those words, I taped recorded it.

(She brings out a tape recorder and plays back those exact words as Warwick looks shamed.)

Warwick: ...when's the date.

Secretary: In HALF AN HOUR.

Warwick: Christ, could have warned me!

Secretary: When I called your cell, George Clooney answered and said he was torturing you.

Warwick: Oh.

(Warwick arrives at the restaurant and looks around.)

Woman's Voice: Over here, Warwick!

(Warwick can't see the woman because he's SHORT, so walks over to the table. He jumps up onto the chair, smiling.)

Warwick: Well HELLO THERE...

(He finally sees her face. She has Down's Syndrome!)

Warwick: WAAAAAH!

Date: Waaaah! Haha, you are funny looking! Beep bloop!

Warwick: You...are my date?

Date: That's right, funny little cuddle man! We are dating now! We will have to get married!

Warwick: Hang on, let's not rush things!

Date: We will have ten babies!!!!

Warwick: Does...does your carer know you're here/

Date: My mum is at the next table!

(A woman waves over.)

Warwick: Look, I just need to, umm, go poo poo.

Date: You said a dirty word!

(Warwick runs away, which is funny since he has short legs. He pulls out his phone.)

Warwick: What the hell were you thinking!

Secretary(on the phone): Whaaaaaaaaaaat? She's the same as you.

Warwick: No she isn't! She's got Down's!

Secretary: Oh, I thought there was something weird about her. But she was on the freaks pages, just like you are.

Warwick: She's not even a dwarf!

Secretary: She's quite short.

Warwick: Have you ever seen a tall spastic? Christ, what am I going to do. You set me up with a mong!

Secretary: Don't you think she's pretty?

Warwick: No! Even for a mong she's ugly! Some of them are kind of good looking, if you squint...but not this minger!

Secretary: She's a ming mong?

Warwick: Exactly! I have to go tell her the date is off!

(He walks back to the table. His date is eating the menu!)

Warwick: Look, this isn't going to work out...there's been a mistake.

Date: You think I'm ugly? WAH, WHA!

(She starts crying and smahing her fists into the table.)

Warwick: No!

(A waiter walks over.)

Waiter: Is there a problem here?

Date: He made me sad!

Waiter: You fucking sick dwarf, why would you upset a nice retard?

Warwick: I didn't! I'm just saying I can't date her because...I'm gay!

Waiter: No you're not. I'm gay and you're not setting off my gaydar!

Warwick: I am too!

Date: Prove it.

Date's Mother: Yes, prove it.

Warwick: Err...

(He jumps out of his chair and starts kissing the waiter. The waiter struggles at first...but then is clearly into it.)

Waiter: CHEQUE PLEASE!

Warwick: That doesn't even make sense!

Date: Why did you go out with me if you're a bender?

Warwick: I didn't know I was a queer until just now!

(The date slaps Warwick.)

Warwick: I deserve that...

(She punches Warwick. Then kicks him. Then keeps kicking him. Then turns the table over on top of him.)

Date: DIE DIE DIE, BAD DWARF!

Mum: Good girl!

Waiter: Hey, got off him!

(The waiter punch the down's girl in the face. Warwick slowly crawls away while they're fighting. Another diner steps on Warwick's head.)

Customer: Oy, get out from under there, fucking dwarf!

(He kicks Warwick in the face. Everything goes dark.)

 

[Fuddlemiff]

As per usual, this freestyle thread is a million times better written and more interesting than the genuine article. I'm actually starting to feel empathy with Warwick!