CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jack and Jacob head back to where Sawyer, Kate and Hurley are waiting.)
Sawyer: Well Doc, I guess you know all the secrets of the island now.
Jack: Umm, yeah, I guess.
Sawyer: So come on, tell us what's REALLY going on.
Jack: Well you heard about the light at the centre of the island that can't go out...
Sawyer: Yeah, but that was just something Jacob told us rubes so we wouldn't know the truth. I assume he told you the REAL secret.
Jack: Well, umm...there's a light at the centre of the island that can't go out.
Sawyer: ...son of a bitch.
Jack: Oh, but I didn't tell you what happens if it DOES go out.
Sawyer: Okay, now we're gettin' somewhere, Doc! What happens?
Jack: All the lights EVERYWHERE in the world go out!
Sawyer: ...you mean like a powercut or something?
Jack: Umm, I don't know. I think it means everyone dies.
Sawyer: Why would everyone die?
Jack: I think...because...umm...destiny?
(Meanwhile, Hurley and Kate are talking to Jacob.)
Hurley: So you can, like, see the future, dude? Because you knew to come and visit us all at various points in our lives.
Jacob: Something like that, Hugo.
Hurley: So you knew all along that Jack would be your replacement. Why not just bring him to the island by himself so that hundreds of other people didn't have to die in plane crashes and freighter explosions and stuff?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Hugo.
Kate: How come Sun didn't travel back in time to the seventies with the rest of us?
Jacob: She wasn't a candidate.
Kate: But I wasn't a candidate either, you scored out my name.
Jacob: That was just chalk on a wall.
Kate: So why was it just chalk on a wall for me but not for Sun?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Kate.
Hurley: WAIT! If being a candidate means the Smoke Monster can't kill you, how come you didn't just make everyone a candidate so that the Smoke Monster couldn't kill anyone?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Hugo.
Hurley: Why not?
Jacob: ...because I never thought of that before. Shit, that would work. Anyone got any chalk?
(Suddenly Richard falls out of the sky and lands on Hurley.)
Richard: Ouch! That Smoke Monster sure packs a punch! Lucky I landed on something soft! Oh yeah, we need to stop Locke. He's gonig to blow up the island using Desmond. I know that's what Jacob wanted to do too so you'd think it's a good thing, but Locke wants to do it now so it must be a BAD thing!
Jack: I know just where to go to stop him...
(Jack pasues for an unnaturally long time as everyone turns round to star at him in shock and the music builds up.)
Jack: ...TO THE HEART OF THE ISLAND!
(Flashsideways WHOOSH to the concert. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the audience is someone who's beeon on the show. There's a big black guy standing near the back but the camera doesn't stay on him long enough to see if it's Mister Eko because the actor wasn't available. Ben and Alex have just arrived.)
Alex: Thanks for taking me to this concert, Doctor Linus, I love Driveshaft like all young people do! But did you just take me because you want to bone my mother?
Ben: Oh, I don't want to bone your mother...
Alex: I knew it, you want to bone me!
(Alex starts making out with Ben. He pauses for a moment, then shrugs.)
Ben: Meh, it's not like your my daughter or anything!
(They start kissing again. Daniel Farraday walks out on stage.)
Daniel: Umm, err, hi everyone. Umm...
Eloise SQUAWKING: OH STUP STUTTERING YOU WORTHLESS CHILD. I WISH I'D SHOT YOU IN THE SEVENTIES.
Charlotte: Oy, don't bloody well talk to him like that you soddin' WANKER!
Daniel: Umm, basically, I've decided to fuse the music of Driveshaft with mathematics and Jack's son playing the piano. I think you'll agree it's a great sound!
Desmond: Oh, I would agree...
(Pan down to show Desmond holding a cannister of POISONED GAS.)
Desmond: I would.
(WHOOSH back to the island. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Jacob and Richard have arrived at the glowing cave.)
Jack: Well, this glowing cave is the heart of the island.
Sawyer: Do I even have to make a joke about that?
Richard: Ha! Haha!
Sawyer: I didn't make a damn joke!
Richard: No, I'm laughing evily, for, you see, it is I...THE SMOKE MONSTER!
(He turns his hand into smoke to show them.)
Richard: The real Richard DID die when I smacked into him and I took his form so that you would lead me to the glowing cave AND YOU FELL FOR IT, HAHA!
Hurley: PLOTHOLE! Ilana said you were stuck in Locke's form.
Jacob: Ilana doesn't even know how to handle dynamite! I knew I shouldn't have knocked her mother up...
(DESMOND comes walking out of the glowing cave with a cup of tea.)
Desmond: What kept yeese all? I've put the kettle on!
Richard: Now blow up the island like I want, Desmond!
Jack: No, blow it up like I want!
(SUDDENLY loads of men with GUNS come running out of the jungle just randomly shooting at everyone.)
Hurley: Who are those guys!?
Jacob: Just all those random people who've been on the island over the years and weren't killed off. Look, there's Juliet's bitchy therapist!
Hurley: Why are they shooting at us, dude?
Jacob: Oh, I probably should have mentioned before that "the sickness" various characters mentioned over the years means that 90% of the people on this island end up going mad and shooting each other instead of just talking to each other and the other 10% lose the ability to ask questions.
Sawyer: And you're just telling us this NOW?
Jacob: Yeah. Oh no, I'm fading! The ashes must have burnt out!
Kate: Won't the ashes we've burned just leave more ashes? Can't we just burn them to keep you around?
Jacob: It...doesn't...work...that...
(And he's gone. FOREVER. Some random person with a gun takes aim at Hurley.)
Random: Time to die, for the good of the island somehow!
(But someone HITS the random over the head with a walkie talkie. It's Miles!)
Miles: I got your call, Ben!
(Ben jumps out from behind a bush.)
Ben: I was good all along!
(But now another random is about to shoot Ben, when suddenly he's run over...by FRANK driving a DHARMA VAN!)
Sawyer: It's...YOU! But I thought you died on the sub?
Frank: Nah! But that's the last time I get the door!
(Everyone laughs at this pun.)
Hurley: Hey, where's Claire?
(Claire comes running out of the jungle throwing grenades at random people with guns.)
Claire: THAT'S FOR TAKING MY BABY!
Hurley: This doesn't really make much sense...
(A polar bear wearing a dress runs out of the glowing cave and starts killing people.)
Hurley: Seriously, dudes.
(Two ghosts played by CARLTON CUSE and DAMON LINDELOF appear and start laughing at Hurley.)
Carlton: Haha, the voice of the audience this makes no sense!
Damon: You'll just have to SWALLOW IT, Hurley!
(The start shovellng ACTUAL LITERAL SHIT into Hurley's mouth.)
Darlton: SWALLOW OUR SHIT, HUGO!
(WHOOOOOSH! A MAN wakes up, slumped over his computer. A girl walks in but we don't see her face.)
Girl: Oh Wacky, you fell asleep writing Freestyle Lost again?
Wacky: Uhh, I guess so. I had just had Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof show up and shovel actual literal shit into Hurley's mouth. You don't think that's going too far, do you? I mean, they're good writers really. I was just knd of parodying fan faction if anything..though I do still have some problems with the overall plot of the show...anyway, what do you think, Natalie?
(We see the girl's face for the first time. It's Natalie Portman! There are photos of Wacky and Natalie together hanging up on the wall.)
Natalie: Sounds funny to me! I'm sure they've got a sense of humour anyway. You'd have to, with all the crazy questions fans ask them.
Wacky: Yeah. I bet you get lots of questions about Star Wars asked.
Natalie: Huh? What?
Wacky: You know, fans asking you questions about Star Wars as if you'd know the answer...
Natalie: Wacky...what's Star Wars?
Wacky: Very funny! You were in the prequels, don't act embarrassed, they weren't that bad really!
Natalie: Wacky, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
(Wacky types Star Wars into Google. NO RESULTS comes up.)
Wacky: What...no. NO! How could this be!
Natalie: Come on, let's just go upstairs and have sex.
Wacky: No! Don't you see? By stopping Freestyle Lost at this point, I've somehow created an alt universe where Star Wars doesn't exist!
Natalie: You and your stories!
Wacky: We have to go back, Nat. WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
(He starts furiously typing again. WHOOOSH back to the island.)
Hurley: I'm just saying, there better be an explanation for that polar bear!
(A PORTAL appears and DOCTOR CHANG sticks his head through.)
Chang: There is, Hugo, it's me! I'm speaking to you from the eighties where I've invented time travel in the Orchid station! It was me who sent you that polar bear to save you! I also sent the food drop back in season two because I knew you were hungry! And brought a bunch of anciet Egyptians to the island to build the statue! And trained a bird how to say your name! And put Libby in a mental hospital for you to meet her!
Hurley: But why is the bear wearing a dress?
Chang: It's a girl!
Hurley: OOOOH! Thanks Doctor Chang, you're the best! Hey, why do you use a different name in every Dharma video?
Chang: Oh, well, you see...
(But the PORTAL closes before he can finish.)
Richard: None of that changes the fact that you can't kill me!
Sawyer: Oh no? Not even if I STAB YOU WITH THIS FORK?
(Sawyer stabs Richard with a fork and he dies!)
Jack: You did it! I guess you're the real island protector, James!
Sawyer: Oh not me...just my trusty forky!
(Everyone laughs.)
Kate: I love you Sawyer!
(Kate and Sawyer start kissing.)
Desmond: Umm, do I still have to blow up the island?
Jack: Oh, I have an EVEN BETTER idea now!
(WHOOOOSH! To a man waking up in a DHARMA STATION. He sits up. It's Jack! Kate walks in.)
Kate: How are you, MY LOVE?
Jack: I'm fine, MY DEAR. Let's GO OUTSIDE.
(Jack and Kate put on SPACESUITS and go outside. This Dharma station is actually ON THE MOON. They look down at the Earth.)
Jack: From here we can see that all the lights are STILL ON in the world!
Kate: Thanks to Desmond using that poisoned gas and giving everyone a near death experience and their memories back, BOTH universes are safe! Which means I can have you AND Sawyer!
Jack: And that's what's really important!
(They take their space helmets off and START KISSING because they're actually both immortal and didn't even need to be wearing space helmets at all! But in the background, a SPACESHIP is orbiting the moon. On board we see some GREEN ALIENS...and Locke.)
Locke: Soon, my friends....soon...
(WHOOSH. Wacky wakes up at his computer again.)
Wacky: I did it, Natalie! I wrote a satisfying logical ending! That means the universe has changed again and Star Wars exists!
(His desktop wallpaper is now Watto wearing that hat from Episode 2.)
Wacky: It worked! Natalie, where are you hiding? Come on, we can have sex now!
(He looks around. But Natalie is nowhere to be found.)
Wacky: Natalie?
(He looks at the photos on the wall. He is now alone in all of them. And the picture frames have changed but that's not relevant at all.)
Wacky: Oh. Oh. Of course.
(He sits down at the computer by himself.)
Wacky: Of course.
THE END
Sawyer: Well Doc, I guess you know all the secrets of the island now.
Jack: Umm, yeah, I guess.
Sawyer: So come on, tell us what's REALLY going on.
Jack: Well you heard about the light at the centre of the island that can't go out...
Sawyer: Yeah, but that was just something Jacob told us rubes so we wouldn't know the truth. I assume he told you the REAL secret.
Jack: Well, umm...there's a light at the centre of the island that can't go out.
Sawyer: ...son of a bitch.
Jack: Oh, but I didn't tell you what happens if it DOES go out.
Sawyer: Okay, now we're gettin' somewhere, Doc! What happens?
Jack: All the lights EVERYWHERE in the world go out!
Sawyer: ...you mean like a powercut or something?
Jack: Umm, I don't know. I think it means everyone dies.
Sawyer: Why would everyone die?
Jack: I think...because...umm...destiny?
(Meanwhile, Hurley and Kate are talking to Jacob.)
Hurley: So you can, like, see the future, dude? Because you knew to come and visit us all at various points in our lives.
Jacob: Something like that, Hugo.
Hurley: So you knew all along that Jack would be your replacement. Why not just bring him to the island by himself so that hundreds of other people didn't have to die in plane crashes and freighter explosions and stuff?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Hugo.
Kate: How come Sun didn't travel back in time to the seventies with the rest of us?
Jacob: She wasn't a candidate.
Kate: But I wasn't a candidate either, you scored out my name.
Jacob: That was just chalk on a wall.
Kate: So why was it just chalk on a wall for me but not for Sun?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Kate.
Hurley: WAIT! If being a candidate means the Smoke Monster can't kill you, how come you didn't just make everyone a candidate so that the Smoke Monster couldn't kill anyone?
Jacob: It doesn't work that way, Hugo.
Hurley: Why not?
Jacob: ...because I never thought of that before. Shit, that would work. Anyone got any chalk?
(Suddenly Richard falls out of the sky and lands on Hurley.)
Richard: Ouch! That Smoke Monster sure packs a punch! Lucky I landed on something soft! Oh yeah, we need to stop Locke. He's gonig to blow up the island using Desmond. I know that's what Jacob wanted to do too so you'd think it's a good thing, but Locke wants to do it now so it must be a BAD thing!
Jack: I know just where to go to stop him...
(Jack pasues for an unnaturally long time as everyone turns round to star at him in shock and the music builds up.)
Jack: ...TO THE HEART OF THE ISLAND!
(Flashsideways WHOOSH to the concert. EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the audience is someone who's beeon on the show. There's a big black guy standing near the back but the camera doesn't stay on him long enough to see if it's Mister Eko because the actor wasn't available. Ben and Alex have just arrived.)
Alex: Thanks for taking me to this concert, Doctor Linus, I love Driveshaft like all young people do! But did you just take me because you want to bone my mother?
Ben: Oh, I don't want to bone your mother...
Alex: I knew it, you want to bone me!
(Alex starts making out with Ben. He pauses for a moment, then shrugs.)
Ben: Meh, it's not like your my daughter or anything!
(They start kissing again. Daniel Farraday walks out on stage.)
Daniel: Umm, err, hi everyone. Umm...
Eloise SQUAWKING: OH STUP STUTTERING YOU WORTHLESS CHILD. I WISH I'D SHOT YOU IN THE SEVENTIES.
Charlotte: Oy, don't bloody well talk to him like that you soddin' WANKER!
Daniel: Umm, basically, I've decided to fuse the music of Driveshaft with mathematics and Jack's son playing the piano. I think you'll agree it's a great sound!
Desmond: Oh, I would agree...
(Pan down to show Desmond holding a cannister of POISONED GAS.)
Desmond: I would.
(WHOOSH back to the island. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Jacob and Richard have arrived at the glowing cave.)
Jack: Well, this glowing cave is the heart of the island.
Sawyer: Do I even have to make a joke about that?
Richard: Ha! Haha!
Sawyer: I didn't make a damn joke!
Richard: No, I'm laughing evily, for, you see, it is I...THE SMOKE MONSTER!
(He turns his hand into smoke to show them.)
Richard: The real Richard DID die when I smacked into him and I took his form so that you would lead me to the glowing cave AND YOU FELL FOR IT, HAHA!
Hurley: PLOTHOLE! Ilana said you were stuck in Locke's form.
Jacob: Ilana doesn't even know how to handle dynamite! I knew I shouldn't have knocked her mother up...
(DESMOND comes walking out of the glowing cave with a cup of tea.)
Desmond: What kept yeese all? I've put the kettle on!
Richard: Now blow up the island like I want, Desmond!
Jack: No, blow it up like I want!
(SUDDENLY loads of men with GUNS come running out of the jungle just randomly shooting at everyone.)
Hurley: Who are those guys!?
Jacob: Just all those random people who've been on the island over the years and weren't killed off. Look, there's Juliet's bitchy therapist!
Hurley: Why are they shooting at us, dude?
Jacob: Oh, I probably should have mentioned before that "the sickness" various characters mentioned over the years means that 90% of the people on this island end up going mad and shooting each other instead of just talking to each other and the other 10% lose the ability to ask questions.
Sawyer: And you're just telling us this NOW?
Jacob: Yeah. Oh no, I'm fading! The ashes must have burnt out!
Kate: Won't the ashes we've burned just leave more ashes? Can't we just burn them to keep you around?
Jacob: It...doesn't...work...that...
(And he's gone. FOREVER. Some random person with a gun takes aim at Hurley.)
Random: Time to die, for the good of the island somehow!
(But someone HITS the random over the head with a walkie talkie. It's Miles!)
Miles: I got your call, Ben!
(Ben jumps out from behind a bush.)
Ben: I was good all along!
(But now another random is about to shoot Ben, when suddenly he's run over...by FRANK driving a DHARMA VAN!)
Sawyer: It's...YOU! But I thought you died on the sub?
Frank: Nah! But that's the last time I get the door!
(Everyone laughs at this pun.)
Hurley: Hey, where's Claire?
(Claire comes running out of the jungle throwing grenades at random people with guns.)
Claire: THAT'S FOR TAKING MY BABY!
Hurley: This doesn't really make much sense...
(A polar bear wearing a dress runs out of the glowing cave and starts killing people.)
Hurley: Seriously, dudes.
(Two ghosts played by CARLTON CUSE and DAMON LINDELOF appear and start laughing at Hurley.)
Carlton: Haha, the voice of the audience this makes no sense!
Damon: You'll just have to SWALLOW IT, Hurley!
(The start shovellng ACTUAL LITERAL SHIT into Hurley's mouth.)
Darlton: SWALLOW OUR SHIT, HUGO!
(WHOOOOOSH! A MAN wakes up, slumped over his computer. A girl walks in but we don't see her face.)
Girl: Oh Wacky, you fell asleep writing Freestyle Lost again?
Wacky: Uhh, I guess so. I had just had Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof show up and shovel actual literal shit into Hurley's mouth. You don't think that's going too far, do you? I mean, they're good writers really. I was just knd of parodying fan faction if anything..though I do still have some problems with the overall plot of the show...anyway, what do you think, Natalie?
(We see the girl's face for the first time. It's Natalie Portman! There are photos of Wacky and Natalie together hanging up on the wall.)
Natalie: Sounds funny to me! I'm sure they've got a sense of humour anyway. You'd have to, with all the crazy questions fans ask them.
Wacky: Yeah. I bet you get lots of questions about Star Wars asked.
Natalie: Huh? What?
Wacky: You know, fans asking you questions about Star Wars as if you'd know the answer...
Natalie: Wacky...what's Star Wars?
Wacky: Very funny! You were in the prequels, don't act embarrassed, they weren't that bad really!
Natalie: Wacky, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
(Wacky types Star Wars into Google. NO RESULTS comes up.)
Wacky: What...no. NO! How could this be!
Natalie: Come on, let's just go upstairs and have sex.
Wacky: No! Don't you see? By stopping Freestyle Lost at this point, I've somehow created an alt universe where Star Wars doesn't exist!
Natalie: You and your stories!
Wacky: We have to go back, Nat. WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
(He starts furiously typing again. WHOOOSH back to the island.)
Hurley: I'm just saying, there better be an explanation for that polar bear!
(A PORTAL appears and DOCTOR CHANG sticks his head through.)
Chang: There is, Hugo, it's me! I'm speaking to you from the eighties where I've invented time travel in the Orchid station! It was me who sent you that polar bear to save you! I also sent the food drop back in season two because I knew you were hungry! And brought a bunch of anciet Egyptians to the island to build the statue! And trained a bird how to say your name! And put Libby in a mental hospital for you to meet her!
Hurley: But why is the bear wearing a dress?
Chang: It's a girl!
Hurley: OOOOH! Thanks Doctor Chang, you're the best! Hey, why do you use a different name in every Dharma video?
Chang: Oh, well, you see...
(But the PORTAL closes before he can finish.)
Richard: None of that changes the fact that you can't kill me!
Sawyer: Oh no? Not even if I STAB YOU WITH THIS FORK?
(Sawyer stabs Richard with a fork and he dies!)
Jack: You did it! I guess you're the real island protector, James!
Sawyer: Oh not me...just my trusty forky!
(Everyone laughs.)
Kate: I love you Sawyer!
(Kate and Sawyer start kissing.)
Desmond: Umm, do I still have to blow up the island?
Jack: Oh, I have an EVEN BETTER idea now!
(WHOOOOSH! To a man waking up in a DHARMA STATION. He sits up. It's Jack! Kate walks in.)
Kate: How are you, MY LOVE?
Jack: I'm fine, MY DEAR. Let's GO OUTSIDE.
(Jack and Kate put on SPACESUITS and go outside. This Dharma station is actually ON THE MOON. They look down at the Earth.)
Jack: From here we can see that all the lights are STILL ON in the world!
Kate: Thanks to Desmond using that poisoned gas and giving everyone a near death experience and their memories back, BOTH universes are safe! Which means I can have you AND Sawyer!
Jack: And that's what's really important!
(They take their space helmets off and START KISSING because they're actually both immortal and didn't even need to be wearing space helmets at all! But in the background, a SPACESHIP is orbiting the moon. On board we see some GREEN ALIENS...and Locke.)
Locke: Soon, my friends....soon...
(WHOOSH. Wacky wakes up at his computer again.)
Wacky: I did it, Natalie! I wrote a satisfying logical ending! That means the universe has changed again and Star Wars exists!
(His desktop wallpaper is now Watto wearing that hat from Episode 2.)
Wacky: It worked! Natalie, where are you hiding? Come on, we can have sex now!
(He looks around. But Natalie is nowhere to be found.)
Wacky: Natalie?
(He looks at the photos on the wall. He is now alone in all of them. And the picture frames have changed but that's not relevant at all.)
Wacky: Oh. Oh. Of course.
(He sits down at the computer by himself.)
Wacky: Of course.
THE END
