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Freestyle Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(Coulson is tied to a chair in a really brightly lit warehouse. The Girl In The Flower Dress walks in. She's wearing a flower dress. Actually her name's Raina according the internet I guess that was revealed at some point.)

Raina: Hello, Phil.

Coulson: You haven't earned the right to call me Phil. Only my true friend have earned the right to call me Phil. Like my friend Tony. Tony Stark. He's Iron Man.

Raina: That was kind of random, but okay...how are you feeling, Phil?

Coulson: Feeling? I'm feeling how Captain America must have been feeling when he woke up from that ice nap. I watched him while he slept. People liked it when I said that.

Raina: I can help you, Phil. A woman's touch can help.

(She STROKES Coulson's ARM.)

Coulson: I know all about the tricks WOMEN can play thanks to my friend Natasha. You might know her as THE BLACK WIDOW.

Raina: Please, Phil, I want to be your friend.

Coulson: Yeah? The last people I was friends with killed loads of aliens to avenge me. They were The Avengers. They avenge stuff.

Raina: Ah yes, avenge you because you were dead. You were DEAD then you LIVED again...

Coulson: They said it was for eight seconds but...

Raina: I want to know what happened in Tahiti.

Coulson: It's a magical place.

Raina: Tell me what happened in Tahiti.

Coulson: It's a magical place.

Raina: Yes, Tahiti...

Coulson: It's a magical place.

Raina: Right, we've established that you've been conditioned to say that, can we move on to what really happened there.

Coulson: It's a magical place.

Raina: For fuck's sake I didn't even say Tahiti!

Coulson: IT'S A MAGICAL PLACE...BITCH.

(Coulson spits blood over Raina's flower dress.)

Raina: This is getting us nowhere, bring in the HEAVY.

(A HEAVY walks in and punches Coulson in the stomach lightly.)

Heavy: RRRRRR.

Coulson: Enough...enough...I'll tell you...

Raina: That's better, Phil. Tell me.

Coulson: I'll tell you...you're in trouble when The Avengers hear that I'm still alive then hear about this!

Raina: Can you literally not talk about anything other than the Avengers and non-specific details of the nature of your resurrection?

Coulson: Let's talk about nicknames. Mine is Son of Coul. It was given to me by Thor in a line people liked so I'm running it into the ground now.

Raina: This is hopeless. Hit him some more!

Heavy: RRRRRR.

Coulson: You'll never be able to hit me as hard as the Hulk could!

(MEANWHILE, Victoria Hand is giving Coulson's team a DRESSING DOWN on THE BUS.)

Hand: How could this happen! How could you lose Coulson like that! He's SUPER IMPORTANT to us. The Avengers like him and everything. Was it SKYE'S FAULT SOMEHOW?

Ward: Hey, wait a minute, Hand! Now Skye might be a bit unorthodox. She might dress inappropriately for her age. She might spend a little too long on her hair. She might be totally unbelievable as a computer hacker in every way. But she's one of us. You insult her, you insult all of us.

Hand: I AM insulting all of you!

Ward: Oh.

Skye: May I speak?

(May GLARES at Skye.)

Skye: If Coulson's so super important, we should be rescuing him right now! I've drawn up a plan and everything! Course I had to draw it on paper because of the NET NANNY on my wrist...

(She wiggles her wrist showing the bracelet thing.)

Hand: Agent May, in your opinion is Skye's plan valid?

(May grabs the paper from Sky and rips it up into little pieces.)

May: No.

Hand: We just don't have the manpower to rescue Coulson right now, even though he's super important and logically we should rescue him given all the times we've sent you to rescue scientists who turned out to be evil and stuff. Sorry.

(Hand BITCH WALKS away. May follows her.)

Hand: Does Skye know the truth?

May: No.

Hand: Good because she must NEVER KNOW the truth.

May: No.

Hand: The truth about her parents...

May: No.

Hand: It's pretty fucking shocking really!

(May GLARES over to Skye and Ward who are just kind of standing about like planks of wood.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
meanwhile Fitz and Simmons are talking.

Fitz: You know some people actually have both our surnames as one surname?

Simmons: Do you think we used to be one person who was split into two by some kind of shield experiment neither of us can remember?

Fitz: That does seem very unlikely, but then again so does everything that happens to us.

Simmons: You mean like how we get super excited about really mundane things, then take things that are actually exciting and have almost the same expression, and how we always say steriotypical british things, even though one of us is scottish, I forget which.

Fitz: scotish people are british, you muppet!

Simmons: Depends wether this show is set in the present, or a few years in the future, me old poppet.

Fitz: Stop breaking the fourth wall you slag, who do you think you are deadpool?

Simmons: Shhhh, we arent supposed to talk about him, he's owned by fox.

Fitz: What the fox say?

May shoots them both with the night night gun.
 
(Hand comes back on THE BUS.)

Hand: Okay you lazy bums, you've had enough being sad about Coulson, it's back to disappointing stories of the week for you! But first meet your new boss...AGENT HARDMAN.

(HARDMAN steps onto the Bus. He looks exactly like Coulson. But black. And hard.)

Hardman: LINE UP.

(Ward, May, Skye, Fitz and Simmons line up. Hardman walks up and down, looking at them in disgust.)

Hardman: ONLY MAY is standing correctly. EVEN YOU'RE slouched by a milimeter, Ward. I guess Skye RUBBED OFF on you.)

May: Grrrrr.

Ward: I'm sorry, sir. I broke every bone in my body in Iran and now I slouch by a milimeter at all times. I realise that's no excuse.

Hardman: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHt it's no excuse, son. We expect THE BEST from our agents, even if that isn't physically possible!

Skye: This is ridiculous, we're not in the army! I'm not even in SHIELD!

Hardman: You'll SPEAK when you're spoken too, girl! Or else it's TEN HOURS in the THE BOX with you!

Skye: ...the fuck?

Hardman: NO SWEARING. TWELVE HOURS IN THE BOX WITH YOU.

Skye: Seriously what the fuck's the box.

Ward: Sir, permission to speak?

Hardman: GRANTED...Grant. Haha.

(Everyone laughs.)

Hardman: IT WASN'T A JOKE.

Ward: Skye might be completely disrespectful in every way, but sir, with respect, isn't that why she's here? To give us a different perspective? To help us think outside, ironically, the box?

Hardman: ...good thinking, son. You're my new favourite now. You better step up, May!

May: GRRRR.

Hardman: Skye, I'm putting you in charge of our mission to save a woman who's husband melted into the floor or something. BUT FAIL AND IT'LL BE YOUR ASS.

(He storms out.)

Fitz: He seems nice! But remember, I was raised in Glasgow, haha!

Simmons: Stop suddenly referencing your Scottishness, Fitz! How are we going to work with that awful man!

Fitz: Remember at the Academy when Professor Lips told us off for yammering back and forth to each other in annoying manner!

Simmons: It was bloody unfair!

Fitz: Remember how we got her to like us?

Simmons: We played an AMUSING PRANK on her!

Fitz: YEAH!

(Fitz and Simmons do the secret Fitzsimmons handshake.)

Simmons: She loved us right before she mysteriously requested a transfer to the other side of the world!

Fitz: It's a shame we had to stop haning out...anyway, we should play a trick on Hardman.

Skye: Guys, I don't think that's such a good idea...I think it's a GREAT idea!

(They all high five.)

Skye: Hey, where's Ward?

(We hear the sounds of Ward and May HATE FUCKING coming from another room.)

Fitz: Must be working out!

Simmons: Ooooh...Fitz!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Heavy is still kind of punching Coulson I guess.)

Raina: TALK.

Coulson: Talk is cheap. You know who isn't cheap? Tony Stark. And he'll show no mercy on you. "His name was Phil" he said to Loki, I was told after, somehow.

Raina: That's it, I can't take this anymore! I'm going to get the Clairvoyant in here and hook you up to THE MACHINE.

Coulson: Couldn't be worse than the machines Tony made...

Raina: SHUT UP. GUARDS.

(Too MASKED GUARDS come in.0

Raina: Stand guard and beat him extra hard if he mentions The Avengers. I'm going to find out what happened in Tahiti!

Coulson: It's a magical place.

Raina: AND if he says that!

(The guards beat him a little out of frame I guess. Raina storms off.)

Coulson: You guys want to help me escape and join SHIELD? If we'll take Skye we'll pretty much take anyone!

(One of the guards punches at the other.)

Coulson: I can't believe that worked! Even Natasha would be impressed by that spy-work!

(The guard who punched out the other pulls his mask off revealing MIKE PETERSON!)

Mike: It's me, you goose! Now let's get out of here!

Coulson: I thought you got blown up!

Mike: I can't be blown up, I've got unbreakable skin now thanks to centipede!

Coulson: Hmm, that seems like something that will make nerds tweet "OMG UNBREAKABLE SKIN LIKE LUKE CAGE"...anyway, yeah, let's go.

Mike: I need to get back to my boy! My Ace!

Coulson: Seriously why did you call your son Ace.

Mike: Because he's the Ace...of my heart.

Coulson: Yeah that's pretty lame.

Mike: Never mind that, let's go!

(BUT Raina and Guy Who Is Obviously The Clairvoyant In A Split Personality Deal come in.)

Raina: Not so fast or I'll have the Clairvoyant burn you!

Coulson: Oh come on. It's obvious that that guy standing next to you who you broke out of prison in that disappointing prison break-out scene which would have been a lot more fun on Arrow even though it's a CW show is the Clairvoyant and he's like Gollum and talks to himself. Even Hawkeye could figure that one out!

(A WOMAN'S VOICE.)

Woman: No...I AM the Clairvoyant!

(A WOMAN walks in.)

Coulson: It's you! It's THE CELLIST!

Mike: Who? This isn't helping me get back to Ace any quicker!

Coulson: She's a woman I dated for a while. I told Pepper Potts about her. And Tony, of course. He said...

Cellist: You never asked my name, did you? My real name. My real name is...CLAIRE VOYANT!

Raina: HAHAHAHA!

Mike: This is whack, I'm getting us out of here.

Claire: Oh, I'm afraid not. You see as I'm a clairevoyant I predicted you'd come here...so we kidnapped Ace. Again! And we'll break his fucking legs if you help Coulson.

Mike: ...that language was a bit much.

Rania: We're losing viewers and we're gettind desperate!

(She unbuttons her dress a bit showing cleavage.)

Raina: Now beat up Coulson or we'll feed Ace to KILLER BEES.

(Mike instantly beats up Coulson.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Hardman wakes up in bed...and he's naked except for WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR!)

Hardman: What the FUCK is going on!

(He storms out where Fitz, Simmons and Skye are waiting. They all burst out laughing.)

Skye: Happy prank day! Welcome to the team!

Simmons: You pranked him BUT GOOD, Fitz!

Hardman: YOU DID THIS?

Fitz: Aye! I mean, yes! I used this holographic remote control to project a holographic hologram of women's underwear onto your body!

(Hardman punches Fitz straight in the face. He grabs the holographic remote congrols and smashes it on the ground. The women's underwear disappear and he's now just totally naked.)

Simmons: That holographic remote cost twenty million dollars!

Hardman: You want a punch in the face too, Hermione?

(Ward comes running out of his bedroom in a towel.)

Ward: Sir, and with respect, you can't just go around punching women and destroying holographic remote controls!

Hardman: CAN'T I? Soon as this mission is over, I'm FIRING all of you! Except Mae! Where is she?

Ward: Uhh, she's having a shower.

Hardman: Why? She just had sex or something?

Ward: ...

Skye: Don't be silly, everyone else was out here, that would mean she was having sex with Ward!

Ward: ...

Hardman: Wait a minute, if she's having a shower who's flying the Bus?

(Everyone screams! Shot of the Bus PLUMMETING out of the sky. Fade to black. Next thing we see, the Bus is safely landed on the ground.)

Hardman: That was a close call! Guess what...now even Mae's getting fired!

Mae: GRRRRR!

Skye: You corporate suit all you worry about is firing people, we need to help that poor woman who's husband melted into the carpet!

(They walk into the house. There's a woman. Her husband is kind of sticking out of the carpet and a bit melted.)

Woman: MY POOR HUSBAND!

Ward: Ma'am, please step back!

Woman: HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO STEP BACK MY POOR HUSBAND!

Skye: Ward, you stuffed suit! I'm sorry about him, what's your name?

Woman: L...Linda.

Skye: Linda, we're going to save your husband from the carpet.

Linda: Thank you for treating me like a person!

(Skye and Linda hug.)

Hardman: Maybe I was wrong about Skye! Maybe I won't fire her at all! JUST THE REST OF YOU.

Skye: Now I'll just try pulling him out...

Fitz and Simmons: NOOOOOOOOOO!

(But as soon as Skye touches the husband SHE melts half into the carpet herself!)

Skye: Aaaaah, it's so soft!

Hardman: Looks like I was actualy DAMN RIGHT about Skye!

(Woman's underwear suddenly appear over Hardman's clothes. Everyone laughs, even the crying wife.)

Fitz: When you destroyed the controller you lost the ability to turn it off!

(Hardman runs at Fitz to KICK HIM but he steps on the carpet and HE melts into it too.)

Hardman: AH, SHIT!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Coulson is hook up to THE MACHINE.)

Claire: It didn't have to be this way, Phil. We had some good times. Back when I was the cellist. Even though I was using you to find out the secret of coming back from the dead.

Coulson: You were dating me before I came back from the dead!

Claire: HOW MANY TIMES, I'm a Clairvoyant! I saw it coming!

Coulson: So you could see that I would come back from the dead after being stabbed by Loki but you couldn't see how I came back from the dead?

Claire: It doesn't work that way.

Coulson: Would have saved some trouble!

Claire: Tell me about it! But even though I was only dating you to find out how you cold come back from the dead...I didn't care about you.

Coulson: Really?

Claire: Until you kept going on about the fucking Avengers all the time!

Coulson: You should have seen that coming!

(They both laugh.)

Claire: Plus the sex was great.

Coulson: And how! Even Tony was jealous when I told him...

Claire: STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM!

(The slaps Coulson with a LEATHER GLOVE because she's evil.)

Coulson: What does THE MACHINE do any way?

Claire: It's so experimental we've never used it before. But we assume it's a torture machine that will make you finally tell us how you came back to life. TURN IT ON, RAINA.

Raina: Is my character pointless now that you've been revealed?

Claire: Yes. TURN IT ON.

Raina: Hmmph.

(She turns it on then starts making out with Mike.)

Coulson: Mike! She's going to have your son's legs broken by bees or something!

Mike: It's the machine! I think it's giving off radiation that's turned me EVIL!

(Suddenly Coulson's eyes glow RED. Meanwhile, Hardman, Skye and Hsuband are still trapped in the carpet.)

Hardman: Shit! I hate being in the carpet! Not only will I kick you all out of SHIELD for this, I'm going to have YOUR ASSES mounted on my wall!

Fitz: Och, calm DOON ya sod! Simmons has a CHEMICAL that can get you out of the floor

Simmons: I jolly well do!

(She pours a jar labelled "CHEMCIAL" on the carpet and Hardman and Skye are freed! But husband is still trapped.)

Ward: I don't get it!

Wife: Get out the carpet, you bum!

Husband: Why bother? You're just going to divorce me anyway! I overheard you telling your sister!

Wife: Now's NOT the time!

Skye: Wait a minute! I think I know what's going on here! You only got trapped in the carpet once you heard your wife saying she was going to divorce you for being a bum. Don't you all see? It's not the carpet that's trapped him, it's his fears and doubts! They've trapped him in the carpet so that he gets to stay here with his wife!

May: That's such bullshit.

Husband: No, she's right! Deep down I always knew it was me doing this, not the carpet!

Wife: You must love me a lot to trap yourself in the carpet for me.

Husband: I do!

Wife: Then...let's give our marriage another try!

(Husband instantly pops out of the carpet.)

Simmons: Skye's done it again!

Ward: I'm beginning to think I'm sleeping with the wrong SHIELD agent!

May: Grrrrrr.

Hardman: Skye that was...SOME GREAT SHIELDIGATING!

Skye: Thanks...boss!

(They hug!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Hardman and Skye are in his office on the Bus.)

Hardman: Mmm hmm, some DAMN FINE work on that last mission, Skye. If only SHIELD had thought of hiring someone with basic human empathy before!

Skye: How about to pay me back you let me know what happened to my parents?

Hardman: Of course! I'll just get the files...

Skye: Well, they were redacted...

Hardman: Then ABSOLUTELY NOT. If SHIELD redacted those files they must have been redacted for a DAMN FINE reason. NEVER ASK ME FOR THEM AGAIN.

Skye: This is wack!

(SUDDENLY May walks in wearing a towel.)

May: I think there's something wrong with the shower...care to JOIN ME in there to take a look, Hardman?

Hardman: Meh, Ward can do it.

May: Uhh...we can go over SHIELD protocol then?

Hardman: I'm UP for that!

(He jumps up and leaves the room with May.)

Skye: That was odd.

(Simmons comes out from another door or a closet or something.)

Simmons: Psst, Skye, it's me, Simmons!

Skye: I know, I can see you.

Simmons: Hardman took the bait! Now we can use his laptop WHICH HE NEVER LOGS OUT OF to find out what happened to your parents!

Skye: Wait, May agreed to help!?

Simmons: That wasn't May! It was a hologram controlled by Fitz! I guess it's lucky Hardman didnt' try to shag her, really, his willy would have passed right through!

Skye: Uhh, yeah...well, I better hurry.

(Skye goes into Hardman's laptop.)

Skye: He's level 12 so he must have access to the files...no! They're classified for LEVEL 99 agents only! What kind of a secret can there be!

Simmons: Maybe your parents...were brother and sister!?

(HARDMAN comes back in.)

Hardman: I can't believe May just shimmered and disappeared like that after sayng "HOLOGRAM ERROR" in a strange voice...how rude of her! Hey, what are you two doig in here?

Skye: Uhh...

Simmons: We were just...lesing out! We're lesbians! See?

(Simmons and Skye KISS but it cuts away right as their lips touch and you don't see anything good. Nevertheless this clip is used in every trailer for the show. Hardman's eyes bulge out of his head.)

Hardman: Homosexuality is illegal in SHIELD! YOU'RE BOTH FRIED!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I haven't gotten round to watching this yet, but I don't think I want to ruin Wakeh's amazong screenplay by doing so now. I WILL DELETE IT OFF THE SLY PLUS!
 
(Hardman WHO IS THE NEW BOSS WHO REPLACED COUSLON, CASSIE, I EXPLAINED THIS, is talking to Victoria Hand on Skype.)

Hardman: ...lesing out. Right there in my office.

Hand(turned on): Really...

Hardman: That sounded like an INAPPROPRIATE "really", hand!

Hand: Oh Hardman, don't be such a stickle for the rules. Just because you're a robot who we made to be a stickler for the rules, don't be such a stickler for the rules!

Hardman: DOES NOT COMPUTE.

(His eyes start flashing with binary code, a sure sign that he's a robot!)

Hand: OKAY, fuck, homosexuality is only illegal in SHIELD because of an obscure rule brought about by Nixon, nobody's paid attention to it in years. Nick Fury's as gay as a window. So I'm using my authority as a LEVEL 23 AGENT to REDACT that rule!

(Hardman's eyes go normal again.)

Hardman: Then I shall rehire Simmons and Skye. Beep beep.

Hand: And don't say "beep beep" all the time, they'll notice!

Hardman: AFFIRMATIVE.

(He closes the connection and goes outside. Fitz is crying.)

Fitz: I cannae believe you've been fired for lesing out! Och, what will I do without you, Simmons! Who'll make my favourite sandwich for me now!

Simmons: Don't be sexist!

Fitz: And who'll call me on my sexism! Wah!

(He sobs in her arms. Eventually he looks at Skye.)

Fitz: Oh and I guess I'll miss Skye's tits or whatever.

Skye: That was cold, yo!

Hardman: STOP MOUTHING OFF, all of you! SHIELD has decided that homosexuality is morally okay, so GET BACK TO WORK.

Simmons: Oh, thank you!

Skye: Why should we get back to work when our boss is a HOMOPHOBE!

Hardman: DOES NOT COMPUTRE. HARDMAN UNIT FEELS NO SUCH PHOBIA. BEEP.

(He walks away.)

Skye: That was strange.

Fitz: Did he say "beep"? Almost sounded like a...robot!?

(SUDDENLY there is a SHIELD ALERT on the SHIELD COMPUTER. Ward and May come running in wearing towels.)

Simmons: How come you two silly sausages are always taking TOWEL NAPS at the same time?

Ward: Uhh...

May: Grrr...

Skye: Leave them alone, Simmons, it's not like they're having sex secretly or anything!

Ward: Ha!

May: Grrr!

Fitz: Guys, shut up. There's a report of a sighting of a missing agent in a forest!

(A hologram of a FOREST appears on screen. A MISSING AGENT is wandering around with his back to the holographic camera.)

May: I better land this bus. Grrr.

(May lands the bus in the forest which they were flying over I guess. Everyone goes outside and looks around. It starts to rain.)

Hardman: Hurry up and find him before I start to rust!

Fitz: Hmm...

(Simmons walks around a tree and finds a man with his back to them. She reaches out and turns him around.)

Simmons: Oh my gosh!

(IT'S COULSON!)

Coulson: Hello friends. I'm back.

(His eyes GLOW RED but only the audience can see!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Coulson, May, Ward, Fitz, Simmons, Skye and Hardman are all back at SHIELD headquarters. The one Maria Hill works at, not the one Victoria Hand works at. But, confusingly, Victoria Hand is there, CHEWING THEM OUT.)

Hand: ...and I don't care WHAT you say, Coulson, you need a FULL DEBRIEFING before you get sent back to active duty!

Skye: That's WHACK! We've received reports of more people melting into their carpets. Some are even melting into their curtains!

Hand: Well some other SHIELD team will have to deal with it!

Ward: Ma'am, with respect, there is not other team equiped to deal with this melting menace.

Fitz: Only Skye is empathic enough to talk people out of their carpets and curtains!

Simmons: And only I have the scientific know-how to figure out what's going on!

Coulson: Sounds like a pretty flawless argument to me, Hand.

May: Grrr.

Hand: What do you think, Hardman?

Hardman: I...agree. This team can get shit done!

Skye: Yay!

(Everyone high fives. Coulson's eyes grow red during the high five just to remind you that he's evil or something now.)

Hand: This is absurd! You're not programmed to disagree with me! And we don't even now what happened to Coulson! How he escaped! What happened to him when he was captured! Don't you think these things are important to know?

Fitz: He'll tell us when he's ready!

Coulson: Maybe a mission is just what I need to be able to speak about what I've been through...

Hand: Well I won't allow it! Now get the Hell out of my office! But not to go on a mission. Just stand in the hall or something.

(MARIA HILL walks in because we managed to get Cobie Smulders to slum it this week!)

Hill: This is NOT the Hell your office, Hand! I'll decide what happens in here!

Hand: Are you questionig my authority?

Hill: I'm denying its existence!

(Fitz starts eating popcorn in a cute comedy moment which is spoiled by the camera focusing on it for too long.)

Hardman: Please, ladies, it is rude to argue in front of men.

Hill: Shut up!

Hardman: AFFIRMATIVE.

Hand: You can't let Coulson go without AT LEAST scanning him to make sure he's not gone evil!

Hill: Oh very well!

Coulson: NO.

Hill: Phil? It'll only take one minute thanks to the new evil detecting scanner Fitz invented.

Fitz: Aye, it was to make sure May wasn't evil! The results were inconclusive!

May: Grrr...

Coulson: We really should be going...

Hill: I have it right here! You're so sill, Phil!

(She takes out the handheld EVIL DETECTING SCANNER and starts running it up and down his body.)

Skye: See! No evil!

Simmons: Oh jolly good!

Hill: I just have to get to your eyes...

(SUDDENLY the scanner starts BEEPING LOUDLY and Coulson's eyes turn RED again. He grabs Hill's gun from her and holds it to Hardman's head.)

Coulson: NOT ANOTHER STEP OR I'LL BLOW HIS HEAD OFF.

Skye: No!

Ward: Sir, with respect, I'm confused!

Coulson: It's simple. Maria Hill, you know how I came back to life after Loki killed me. You're going to tell me how or I kill you all, starting with Hardman.

Hand: Oh, he's not evil, is he!

Everyone: SHUT UP, HAND!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Hardman: Be cool, man, just be cool.

Coulson: SHUT IT. I'm sick of being cool. I had to act cool all the time when I was hanging out with The Avengers, because The Avengers are so fucking cool! I'm glad I was brainwashed into being evil so I don't have to be cool!

Ward: Sir, with respect, if you were brainwashed into being evil, that means you can be UNBRAINWASHED with the help of your frineds!

Simmons: We'll get right on it!

Fitz: How about some kind of unbrainwashing sweater he could wear?

Simmons: Oh, goodie!

Coulson: NO! Stop working on that unbrainwashing sweater or I'll blow Hardman's head off!

Ward: Sir, with respect, that's probably an empty threat. Even brainwashed you'd never...

Skye: Oh no, my empathy's showing it's not an empty threat!

(Coulson blows Hardman's brains out. Bits of Hardman's skull impact on the walls. There's Hardman matter all over everyone in the room.)

Hand: Oh my fucking God...

Coulson: Now you know I'm being serious. Talk, Hill.

Hill: I...I can't. You must never know how you came back to life.

Coulson: WHY. What's so DAMN IMPORTANT?

HIll: You...must never know.

Hand: Oh for fuck's sake!

Coulson: Than I kill May next!

(Everyone pauses so that May can say "grrr." But she doesn't!)

Coulson: Hey, where is she?

(There's an OPEN VENT above his head!)

Skye: She must have jumped up and escape through that vent but we didn't show it on camera because we're really cheap on stunt work!

(Ward uses this DISTRACTION to jump at Coulson with a flying kick, knocking him back. The gun falls to the floor. Coulson and Ward both dive for it, but HAND grabs it first.)

Hand: That's enough! Agent Coulson, I hearby finding you GUILTY of the destruction of an important SHIELD machine and sentence you TO DEATH.

Simmons: What bloody machine!

Ward: Sir, with respect, you can't just sentence someone to death on the spot!

Hand: I can and will! It's a new rule that was just passed!

Hill: She's right.

Hand: See!

Hill: But rules were made to be broken...JUST LIKE YOUR FACE.

(Hill does a frontflip KICK onto Hand's FACE, breaking her nose! Hill grabs the gun.)

Hill: Now let's all just calm down!

Hand: You're finished, Hill! I'll get you ran out of SHIELD on a rail! Whatever that means!

Fitz and Simmons: We've finished the jumper!

Ward: What, seriously?

Simmons: It's actually one I was wearing! It's so adorable it'll unbrainwash anyone!

Coulson: I don't want it!

Fitz: But we've figured out you'll EXPLODE if you stay brainwashed and don't get the answer to how you came back to life!

Coulson: GOOD. Because I'd rather DIE than not know how I came back to life!

Voice: Well, that's lucky...

(May and NICK FURY SPECIAL GUEST STAR SAMUEL L JACKSON TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS are standing in the doorway.)

Fury: ...because I'm about to tell you THE WHOLE TRUTH AT LAST!

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
Hand: Sir, I want Hill ran out of SHIELD on a rail!

Fury: REQUESTED DENIED. Hand, you are demoted to TOILET DUTY. Go see to my toilet!

Hand: ...yes, sir.

(She walks away sadly. Everyone cheers except Coulson.)

Ward: Sir, with respect...that turned me the fuck on.

Simmons: Crikey!

Coulson: Shut up, all of you! I need answers. FUCKDAMN answers.

Fury: I think you're ready to know.

Hill: But sir he must never know.

Fury: I say he's ready, Maria. I've never met a finer man than you, Coulson. You deserve the truth.

Fitz: WELL BLOODY GET ON WITH IT THEN!

Fury: The truth is...we murdered seventeen babies to bring you back to life using dark magic. Look, here's a photo of their mangled corpses.

(He passes the photo around. First Fitz, then Simmons, then Skye vomit on the floor. Even Ward looks upset, as best the actor can show upset. He hands it to May.)

May: Grrr.

(May hands it to Coulson. A single tear rolls down his face.)

Coulson: You killed babies...for me.

Hill: They were evil babies! We used time travel to see which babies would grow up to be evil and killed them in the present day! We actually saved NINE MILLION future lives by mangling those babies!

Fury: That's no damn excuse! Coulson's right. Babies dying...it can never be excused. AND THAT is why you must never know.

Skye: Well...that makes sense I guess.

Fitz: Dead babies. Huh.

Simmons: How ghastly.

Ward: Sir, with respect, but sir...SHIELD has crossed the line.

Coulson: Why do all this for me?

Fury: Because...I love you, Phil.

(Fury grabs Coulson and kisses him passionately. Everyone stares in shock. Coulson's eyes stop glowing red.)

Coulson: Well...that ties up all the loose ends for me! Let's get back in SHIELD BUSINESS!

Skye: Really? You're fine to go back to rescuing melted people from carpets after all that?

Coulson: On the inside I'm crying. But on the outside...let's get SHIELDIGATING!

May: YES.

Ward: Sir, with respect...let's kick some ass!

Fitz: We'll bollock them!

Simmons: Jolly good!

(They all start to march out. Coulson pauses in the door.)

Coulson: ...let's SHIELD what's out there.

(They all run out leaving just Fury and Hill.)

Hill: Well...he sure bought that load of crap!

Fury: The photoshop boys did a great job with these so called dead babies! As if we have access to time travel!

Hill: And that homosexuality pill you took made your boner rubbing up against him all the more convincing!

Fury: I think I need to work this gayness off in bed! I'm off to see Hakeye!

Hill: Oh he's...

Fury: Gay as a shelf!

(Suddenly HARDMAN stands back up, even though his head has nearly been blown off. He's clearly a robot.)

Hardman: So what's the real truth? Is Coulson a robot like me?

(Fury takes out his gun and blows Hardman's remaining head off.)

Fury: No.

Hill: Never liked him anyway!

Fury: Of course he rasies a good point. The real truth is still hidden. It's even more shocked than seventeen dead babies and raging homosexuality. It is a turth that Coulson...must never know.

Hill: He must never know.

(Meanwhile, back at CENTIPEDE HEAQUARTERS, Claire Voyant, Raina and Mike are looking at a computer readout.)

Raina: There we go! The IMPLANT in Coulson's head that AUTOMATICALY TRANSMITS THE METHOD OF HIS RESURRECTION ONCE IT IS DISCOVERED has worked! All we have to do in kill seventeen babies and we can bring people back to life!

Claire: To the maternity ward!

THE END
 
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