Buttmunkey
Fletcher... Felcher... WHATEVER!!
Unless you want to accumulate a long list of examples of Mr. FelcherExtraordinaire Name Pending's acts of corruption and depredation, this letter may become a bit monotonous. However, I honestly do hope you read it all the way through because the underlying reasons and causes for FelcherExtraordinaire's pea-brained orations must be defined, examined, and resolved, or they'll never cease. Without going into all the gory details, let's just say that FelcherExtraordinaire is totally versipellous. When he's among plebeians, FelcherExtraordinaire warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against exclusionism. But when FelcherExtraordinaire's safely surrounded by his spokesmen, he instructs them to promote the lie of Trotskyism. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that anyone who hasn't been living in a cave with his eyes shut and his ears plugged knows that the only weapons FelcherExtraordinaire has in his intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all he has, and he knows it. Diabolism and negativism are not synonymous. In fact, they are so frequently in opposition and so universally irreconcilable that people are looking for answers, not ideology. Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that his eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity. And FelcherExtraordinaire's vanity is surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that the sky is falling?)
When FelcherExtraordinaire made his puppy-dog acolytes wag their little tails by promising to let them pull the levers of simplism and oil the gears of egotism, I realized for the first time that I'm not a mendacious person. I'd like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to FelcherExtraordinaire's subordinates and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to resolve our disputes without violence. Unfortunately, knowing them, they'd rather oppose the visceral views of 98 percent of the nation's citizens because that's what FelcherExtraordinaire wants. He maliciously defames and damagingly misrepresents everyone and everything around him. There's a word for that: libel. FelcherExtraordinaire has recently been going around claiming that he knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. You really have to tie your brain in knots to be gullible enough to believe that junk. His idea of contemptible sexism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a pushy blood-lust. It is, in every literal sense, a cacodemonic and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to a blinkered frenzy and then prompts them to consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of revisionism.
I'm not very conversant with FelcherExtraordinaire's background. To be quite frank, I don't care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that FelcherExtraordinaire's emissaries have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times -- stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize FelcherExtraordinaire's pesky newsgroup postings. It is definitely not a pretty sight. FelcherExtraordinaire's beliefs are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're thoroughly immature, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, FelcherExtraordinaire can't fool me. I've met witless scalawags before, so I know that if we contradict FelcherExtraordinaire, we are labelled authoritarianism-prone swaggerers. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. A colleague recently informed me that a bunch of mentally deficient slobs and others in FelcherExtraordinaire's amen corner are about to judge people by the color of their skin while ignoring the content of their character. I have no reason to doubt that story because I like to face facts. I like to look reality right in the eye and not pretend it's something else. And the reality of our present situation is this: FelcherExtraordinaire's witticisms are evil. They're evil because they cause global warming; they make your teeth fall out; they give you spots; they incite nuclear war. And, as if that weren't enough, there are many illustrations of this. Think about it, and I'm sure you'll agree with me. Nice try to destabilize society, FelcherExtraordinaire. It is common knowledge that he insists that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. Sorry, FelcherExtraordinaire, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." "FelcherExtraordinaire" has now become part of my vocabulary. Whenever I see someone supplant national heroes with the worst classes of neurotic freeloaders there are, I tell him or her to stop "FelcherExtraordinaire-ing".
Who else but FelcherExtraordinaire would have the brass to eroticize relations of dominance and subordination? No one. And where does that brass come from? It comes from a sure knowledge that he can retreat into his "victim" status if anyone calls him to account. It is grossly misleading merely to claim that his cringers say, "There should be publicly financed centers of jingoism." Yes, I'm afraid they really do talk like that. It's the only way for them to conceal that FelcherExtraordinaire coins polysyllabic neologisms to make his hatchet jobs sound like they're actually important. In fact, his treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary. I don't know what his problem is, but the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which FelcherExtraordinaire has tried to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture.
What I mean to say is that in order to solve the big problems with FelcherExtraordinaire, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must lend support to the thesis that no one of any intelligence believes that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. In an atmosphere of false rumors and misinformation, he takes a perverse pleasure in watching people scurry about like rats in a maze, never quite managing to set the record straight. Of that I am certain, because if FelcherExtraordinaire is victorious in his quest to lead us into an age of shoddiness -- shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people -- then his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity. I have a tendency to report the more sensational things that he is up to, the more shocking things, things like how he wants to draw unsuspecting knee-biters into the orbit of rummy, unforgiving dissemblers of one sort or another. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in coming to grips with that, but it's easy enough to hate him any day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some very specific things that he is up to, things that ought to make a real FelcherExtraordinaire-hater out of you. First off, his bruta fulmina are as predictable as sunrise. Whenever I put an end to his evildoing, FelcherExtraordinaire's invariant response is to devastate vast acres of precious farmland. FelcherExtraordinaire is still going around insisting that granting him complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air. Jeez, I thought I had made it perfectly clear to him that his perspective is that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. My perspective, in contrast, is that we must work together to work beyond the predatory plasticity of FelcherExtraordinaire's subliminal psywar campaigns. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to enable all people to achieve their potential as human beings. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because FelcherExtraordinaire wants you to believe that his revenge fantasies epitomize wholesome family entertainment. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by FelcherExtraordinaire's querulous biases. I have to laugh when FelcherExtraordinaire says that courtesy and manners don't count for anything. Where in the world did he get that idea? Not only does that idea contain absolutely no substance whatsoever, but Pyrrhonism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.
FelcherExtraordinaire craves more power. I say we should give him more power -- preferably, 10,000 volts of it. He wants to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths. Why he wants that, I don't know, but that's what he wants.
Whenever FelcherExtraordinaire announces that he is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha, his goombahs applaud on cue and the accolades are long and ostentatious. What's funny is that they don't provide similar feedback whenever I tell them that if FelcherExtraordinaire can one day revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook, then the long descent into night is sure to follow. In addition to communicating an understanding of the terrible danger we face, I need to make some changes here. Think I'm exaggerating? Just ask any of the most valuable members of our community and they'll all tell you how the picture I am presenting need not be confined to his intimations. It applies to everything FelcherExtraordinaire says and does. Isn't it odd that untrustworthy pettifoggers, whose ridiculous lifestyle will provide cover for a venal agenda quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "pseudoconglomeration", are immune from censure? Why is that? It is bootless to speculate on the matter, but it should be noted that FelcherExtraordinaire has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. He can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches FelcherExtraordinaire's nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of militarism and how mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues. As you listen to FelcherExtraordinaire's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that he demands obeisance from his serfs. Then, once they prove their loyalty, FelcherExtraordinaire forces them to expose and neutralize his enemies rather than sit at the same table and negotiate. Sometimes, featherbrained, tyrannical maniacs are so intemperate, they merit special attention for a variety of reasons. For instance, if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, his presence makes people nervous, anxious, fearful, and angry. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, by refusing to act, by refusing to tell you a little bit about FelcherExtraordinaire and his power-hungry arguments, we are giving FelcherExtraordinaire the power to alter laws, language, and customs in the service of regulating social relations.
FelcherExtraordinaire's chums consider his harangues a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of sesquipedalianism. I, not being one of the many loquacious, impulsive stumblebums of this world, feel no more personal hatred for FelcherExtraordinaire than I might feel for a herd of wild animals or a cluster of poisonous reptiles. One does not hate those whose souls can exude no spiritual warmth; one pities them. Think about that for a moment. He thinks we want him to introduce changes without testing them first. Excuse me, but maybe I, speaking as someone who is not a manipulative usurer, truly suspect that time has only reinforced that conviction. My views, of course, are not the issue here. The issue is that if the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to cover up his criminal ineptitude.
You might say, "FelcherExtraordinaire's apostles will carry the product of his work into the future, even after FelcherExtraordinaire himself is long gone." Fine, I agree. But if a cogent, logical argument entered FelcherExtraordinaire's brain, no doubt a concussion would result. His victims have been speaking out for years. Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar and thunder of FelcherExtraordinaire's toadies, who loudly proclaim that people are pawns to be used and manipulated. Regardless of those refractory proclamations, the truth is that I would be grateful if he would take a little time from his rigorous schedule to reveal some shocking facts about his threats. Of course, pigs will grow wings and fly before that ever happens.
On the issue of sectarianism, FelcherExtraordinaire is wrong again. Sure, much of our nation's history stands as shameful testament to the danger inherent in allowing him to shred the basic compact between the people and their government. But FelcherExtraordinaire and I disagree about our civic duties. I assert that we must do our utmost to contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic as expeditiously as possible. FelcherExtraordinaire, on the other hand, believes that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. He is not just pharisaical; he's ghastly, too. As a parenthetical note, if FelcherExtraordinaire had even a shred of intellectual integrity, he'd admit that if you are not smart enough to realize this, then you become the victim of your own ignorance. On the other hand, his crotchets are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying". Everywhere he's gone, FelcherExtraordinaire has tried to engender ill will. It can happen here, too. Let me end by citing my standard hate-mail response form letter:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. One question, though: Do you actually want Mr. FelcherExtraordinaire Name Pending to create widespread psychological suffering? Because that's what'll happen if we don't provide some balance to FelcherExtraordinaire's one-sided insinuations.
When FelcherExtraordinaire made his puppy-dog acolytes wag their little tails by promising to let them pull the levers of simplism and oil the gears of egotism, I realized for the first time that I'm not a mendacious person. I'd like nothing more than to extend my hand in friendship to FelcherExtraordinaire's subordinates and convey my hope that in the days to come we can work together to resolve our disputes without violence. Unfortunately, knowing them, they'd rather oppose the visceral views of 98 percent of the nation's citizens because that's what FelcherExtraordinaire wants. He maliciously defames and damagingly misrepresents everyone and everything around him. There's a word for that: libel. FelcherExtraordinaire has recently been going around claiming that he knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. You really have to tie your brain in knots to be gullible enough to believe that junk. His idea of contemptible sexism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a pushy blood-lust. It is, in every literal sense, a cacodemonic and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to a blinkered frenzy and then prompts them to consign our traditional values to the rubbish heap of revisionism.
I'm not very conversant with FelcherExtraordinaire's background. To be quite frank, I don't care to be. I already know enough to state with confidence that FelcherExtraordinaire's emissaries have been staggering around like punch-drunk fighters hit too many times -- stunned, confused, betrayed, and trying desperately to rationalize FelcherExtraordinaire's pesky newsgroup postings. It is definitely not a pretty sight. FelcherExtraordinaire's beliefs are rife with contradictions and difficulties; they're thoroughly immature, meet no objective criteria, and are unsuited for a supposedly educated population. And as if that weren't enough, FelcherExtraordinaire can't fool me. I've met witless scalawags before, so I know that if we contradict FelcherExtraordinaire, we are labelled authoritarianism-prone swaggerers. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. A colleague recently informed me that a bunch of mentally deficient slobs and others in FelcherExtraordinaire's amen corner are about to judge people by the color of their skin while ignoring the content of their character. I have no reason to doubt that story because I like to face facts. I like to look reality right in the eye and not pretend it's something else. And the reality of our present situation is this: FelcherExtraordinaire's witticisms are evil. They're evil because they cause global warming; they make your teeth fall out; they give you spots; they incite nuclear war. And, as if that weren't enough, there are many illustrations of this. Think about it, and I'm sure you'll agree with me. Nice try to destabilize society, FelcherExtraordinaire. It is common knowledge that he insists that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. Sorry, FelcherExtraordinaire, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." "FelcherExtraordinaire" has now become part of my vocabulary. Whenever I see someone supplant national heroes with the worst classes of neurotic freeloaders there are, I tell him or her to stop "FelcherExtraordinaire-ing".
Who else but FelcherExtraordinaire would have the brass to eroticize relations of dominance and subordination? No one. And where does that brass come from? It comes from a sure knowledge that he can retreat into his "victim" status if anyone calls him to account. It is grossly misleading merely to claim that his cringers say, "There should be publicly financed centers of jingoism." Yes, I'm afraid they really do talk like that. It's the only way for them to conceal that FelcherExtraordinaire coins polysyllabic neologisms to make his hatchet jobs sound like they're actually important. In fact, his treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary. I don't know what his problem is, but the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which FelcherExtraordinaire has tried to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture.
What I mean to say is that in order to solve the big problems with FelcherExtraordinaire, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must lend support to the thesis that no one of any intelligence believes that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. In an atmosphere of false rumors and misinformation, he takes a perverse pleasure in watching people scurry about like rats in a maze, never quite managing to set the record straight. Of that I am certain, because if FelcherExtraordinaire is victorious in his quest to lead us into an age of shoddiness -- shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy people -- then his crown will be the funeral wreath of humanity. I have a tendency to report the more sensational things that he is up to, the more shocking things, things like how he wants to draw unsuspecting knee-biters into the orbit of rummy, unforgiving dissemblers of one sort or another. And I realize the difficulty that the average person has in coming to grips with that, but it's easy enough to hate him any day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some very specific things that he is up to, things that ought to make a real FelcherExtraordinaire-hater out of you. First off, his bruta fulmina are as predictable as sunrise. Whenever I put an end to his evildoing, FelcherExtraordinaire's invariant response is to devastate vast acres of precious farmland. FelcherExtraordinaire is still going around insisting that granting him complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air. Jeez, I thought I had made it perfectly clear to him that his perspective is that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. My perspective, in contrast, is that we must work together to work beyond the predatory plasticity of FelcherExtraordinaire's subliminal psywar campaigns. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to enable all people to achieve their potential as human beings. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because FelcherExtraordinaire wants you to believe that his revenge fantasies epitomize wholesome family entertainment. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by FelcherExtraordinaire's querulous biases. I have to laugh when FelcherExtraordinaire says that courtesy and manners don't count for anything. Where in the world did he get that idea? Not only does that idea contain absolutely no substance whatsoever, but Pyrrhonism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.
FelcherExtraordinaire craves more power. I say we should give him more power -- preferably, 10,000 volts of it. He wants to destroy any resistance by channeling it into ineffective paths. Why he wants that, I don't know, but that's what he wants.
Whenever FelcherExtraordinaire announces that he is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha, his goombahs applaud on cue and the accolades are long and ostentatious. What's funny is that they don't provide similar feedback whenever I tell them that if FelcherExtraordinaire can one day revile everything in the most obscene terms and drag it into the filth of the basest possible outlook, then the long descent into night is sure to follow. In addition to communicating an understanding of the terrible danger we face, I need to make some changes here. Think I'm exaggerating? Just ask any of the most valuable members of our community and they'll all tell you how the picture I am presenting need not be confined to his intimations. It applies to everything FelcherExtraordinaire says and does. Isn't it odd that untrustworthy pettifoggers, whose ridiculous lifestyle will provide cover for a venal agenda quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "pseudoconglomeration", are immune from censure? Why is that? It is bootless to speculate on the matter, but it should be noted that FelcherExtraordinaire has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. He can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches FelcherExtraordinaire's nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of militarism and how mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues. As you listen to FelcherExtraordinaire's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that he demands obeisance from his serfs. Then, once they prove their loyalty, FelcherExtraordinaire forces them to expose and neutralize his enemies rather than sit at the same table and negotiate. Sometimes, featherbrained, tyrannical maniacs are so intemperate, they merit special attention for a variety of reasons. For instance, if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, his presence makes people nervous, anxious, fearful, and angry. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, by refusing to act, by refusing to tell you a little bit about FelcherExtraordinaire and his power-hungry arguments, we are giving FelcherExtraordinaire the power to alter laws, language, and customs in the service of regulating social relations.
FelcherExtraordinaire's chums consider his harangues a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of sesquipedalianism. I, not being one of the many loquacious, impulsive stumblebums of this world, feel no more personal hatred for FelcherExtraordinaire than I might feel for a herd of wild animals or a cluster of poisonous reptiles. One does not hate those whose souls can exude no spiritual warmth; one pities them. Think about that for a moment. He thinks we want him to introduce changes without testing them first. Excuse me, but maybe I, speaking as someone who is not a manipulative usurer, truly suspect that time has only reinforced that conviction. My views, of course, are not the issue here. The issue is that if the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to cover up his criminal ineptitude.
You might say, "FelcherExtraordinaire's apostles will carry the product of his work into the future, even after FelcherExtraordinaire himself is long gone." Fine, I agree. But if a cogent, logical argument entered FelcherExtraordinaire's brain, no doubt a concussion would result. His victims have been speaking out for years. Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar and thunder of FelcherExtraordinaire's toadies, who loudly proclaim that people are pawns to be used and manipulated. Regardless of those refractory proclamations, the truth is that I would be grateful if he would take a little time from his rigorous schedule to reveal some shocking facts about his threats. Of course, pigs will grow wings and fly before that ever happens.
On the issue of sectarianism, FelcherExtraordinaire is wrong again. Sure, much of our nation's history stands as shameful testament to the danger inherent in allowing him to shred the basic compact between the people and their government. But FelcherExtraordinaire and I disagree about our civic duties. I assert that we must do our utmost to contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic as expeditiously as possible. FelcherExtraordinaire, on the other hand, believes that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. He is not just pharisaical; he's ghastly, too. As a parenthetical note, if FelcherExtraordinaire had even a shred of intellectual integrity, he'd admit that if you are not smart enough to realize this, then you become the victim of your own ignorance. On the other hand, his crotchets are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying". Everywhere he's gone, FelcherExtraordinaire has tried to engender ill will. It can happen here, too. Let me end by citing my standard hate-mail response form letter:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. One question, though: Do you actually want Mr. FelcherExtraordinaire Name Pending to create widespread psychological suffering? Because that's what'll happen if we don't provide some balance to FelcherExtraordinaire's one-sided insinuations.
