Mommy Bridgette
New member
Oh, and to see the goofy garment Bickendan wear, see:Bishop Murphy walks into a ward in Provo, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
The man said, "I do bishop."
The Bishop said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Bishop asked the second man, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
"Certainly, bishop," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Bishop.
Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't sir."
The Bishop said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
A young B.Y.U student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
"Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what's your name?"
"I'm Ralph, who are you?"
"Well, Ralph, I'm Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?"
"Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?"
"Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this."
Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.
"Wow!" says Ralph, "Do you mean I can do that?"
"Certainly", replies Jeff, "Just make a leap of faith."
Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, "Hey, Mac, come over here."
Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,
"Say, didn't you see several workers falling from above?"
"Oh yea, it's just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again."
The LDS 6 P's for perfection: prophets...presidency...patriarchs...priesthoods...payees...prozac.
Once two Mormons decided to go deer hunting on opening day, and as luck would have it, one of them bagged a humongus buck with massive antlers. After their initial excitement abated, one asked,
"Well Mike, what do we do now? I know absolutely nothing about dressing a deer."
"Me neither", said Frank, "Let's just drag him back to the truck and we'll take him to someone who can help us."
So they each grabbed a back leg and began dragging, but the huge antlers became entangled in every bush, briar, and vine they encountered. As they were thus struggling with the deer, they happened upon another hunter who noticed their difficulties.
"Hey fellas", he said, "You're doing that all wrong. Pull him by the antlers, that way the antlers won't get tangled and the lay of his hair won't be working against you either."
So they did as the stranger suggested and immediately realized he was right. They thanked him kindly and were soon making very good speed.
Shortly Mike said, "Wow this is a lot easier, we would have never made it the way we were going at it."
"Yeah", said Frank, "But have you noticed we're getting further away from the truck?"
The Mormon Church is so spiritually dead, that one time an old man died of a heart attack in the back of the chapel, and the medics took away three rows of people before they found him.
A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. (they were alone) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:
"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"
The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said:
"Now fold them".
The Mormon pilot and copilot were on their final approach to an unfamiliar airport when the following conversation was overheard:
"Copilot, do you see that runway? I've never seen one so short before, you'd better give me full flaps!"
"Aye Sir, full flaps as ordered."
Just before touchdown the pilot again turns to his copilot, "Damn that's short! Standby to reverse thrust, lock down the brakes, and drop the stern anchor if you can find one, this is going to be a rough one!"
Moments later after a very abrupt and unpleasant landing, the pilot again exclaims, "Oh man, have you ever seen such a short runway?"
The copilot turns to his left, gazes into the distance, then turns to his right, then answers, "No sir....but isn't it wide!"
Gordon Hinckley's definition of open discussion
"Don't ask, don't tell."
Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.
The fat one asked, "Hey Pete, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?"
The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight."
"Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right."
So they went to Pete's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Pete sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him.
Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Pete, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!"
Did you hear about the two missionaries who were fishing in a "pay to fish" lake and found a really productive spot.
One says, "Be sure to mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow."
"Sure thing!", came the reply.
After returning the boat and preparing to leave the first asked, "Did you mark the spot?"
"Yeah", he said, "I put an "X" on the side of the boat right where the fish were."
To this the first responded, "That wasn't very smart! What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?"
College Fraternities have historically invented some pretty trying methods of initiating new members. One we know of eliminates two out of three initiates by determining which can live with a pig the longest. On one occasion a Jew, a Muslim, and a Mormon were moved in with a particularly obnoxious swine. After less than a day the Jew left. The Muslim suffered the indignation only another day and moved out. The Mormon, the victor of the trial, vowed to establish a new fraternity record for endurance, but after another day the pig left!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because they can't see the light.
Q: Why will Mormons be the first one's to get to heaven?
A: Because the Bible says that; "the dead in Christ shall rise first".
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because; "darkness flee's the light."
One time two LDS missionaries where walking down the street, when they came upon some horse manure. The first missionary said;
"That looks like horse manure".
He then reached down and picked some up and said;
"Feels like horse manure".
He then tasted some and said;
"Taste like horse manure".
The second missionary then said;
"Good thing we didn't step in it."
Did you hear about the two missionaries who were building a new school? One noticed the other kept throwing away as many nails as he was using.
So he asked, "Hey man, why are you throwing away those nails?
The second replied with obvious frustration, "Aw, that stupid Christian at the Nail Factory sold us nails with the heads on the wrong end of them!"
"Don't throw them away," said the first, "We'll use them on the other side of the building."
Once Tom went to visit his friend Ben who had just moved into a new house. As they were sitting in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, Ben walked over, open the door and yelled outside,
"Green side up!" and returned to the table. Tom was perplexed but said nothing.
A few minutes passed and again Ben went to the door and yelled outside, "Green side up!"
After this happened several times, Tom could no longer contain his curiosity and asked Ben to explain.
"Oh that", replied Ben with a laugh, "I've got my home teachers out there laying turf for me."
Q: Why do you always take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?
A: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer!
Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Salt Lake City?
A: A Tourist!
A primary president, a high councillor, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president asked for one last wish; to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councillor and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councillor requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song."
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least six: One to change the light bulb; one to deny that there was any change made; one to say that we shouldn't focus on the change--only the need for light; one to say we don't teach that the light bulb needed changing in the first place; one to say that the changer was acting for himself and not as an official changer; and one to say "who cares who changed the bulb, don't you feel the burning of the light?
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If it's Relief Society, it takes four.
One to fix refreshments,
One to bring the tablecloth,
One to design the centerpiece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it's the Bishopric, forget it,
They don?t do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.
If it's the Elders, it takes four.
Three that don?t show up, and
One to change the bulb.
If it's the High Priests, it takes four.
Two to push the wheel chairs,
One to handle the oxygen tank,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it's the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to say an opening prayer, one to give a talk on changing light bulbs, one to change the light bulb, and one to say a closing prayer.
Q: How many home teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. And even though they didn't change any light bulbs this month, they promise to change one hundred percent of their light bulbs next month.
The Dean of Women at BYU was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
One day a man called the Church Headquarters. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the Prophet, then you may refer to him as 'President,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
The Provo Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a BYU coed was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the BYU coed ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Bishop Smith and Bishop Young, are walking down the street when Young turns to Smith and says, "Brother Smith, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Smith says, "Brother Young, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Smith turns to Young and says, "Brother Young, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Young says, "Brother Smith, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Baptism, we have gone to the same temple together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Brother Smith, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bishop Young turns to Bishop Smith, "Brother Smith, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Brother Young, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Washington D.C. to Salt Lake City, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry . . . we still have one engine left."
A young Mormon missionary turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
There were three third graders -- a Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon -- at the playground trying to decide what game to play. The Baptist said, "I'm tired of basketball, baseball and soccer; lets play a game I heard about from my older brother called 'who has the longest hose'".
So the Baptist boy whips out his and it's about three inches, the Catholic pulls his out and it's about four inches, the Mormon pulls his out and it's about six inches.
The Baptist and Catholic boys say, "Darn, you win again; you always win!"
Then the Mormon went home and told his mom, "Hey Mom, I won another game today, it's called 'who has the longest hose'. Mine was almost twice as long as the other boys, is that because I'm a Mormon, Mom?"
His mom answered, "No, son, it's be cause you are 22."
Q; How many Mormon missionaries does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch out for cars.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Two of the Mormon Churches attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
After she woke up, a LDS woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
An exasperated Mormon mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Q: What do naughty Mormons do when they get feisty at a party?
A: They heat up the punch!!!!
The following is a classic in LDS humor. We think that this joke started about the time of Joseph Smith: A man died and was spirited to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the gate.
"Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around." They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."
They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics".
They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways. Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on.
The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!"
Two Mormon missionaries boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, Ed Decker got on and took the aisle seat next to the two missionaries.
Ed Decker kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the missionary in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a Sprite." "No problem," said Ed, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the missionaries picked up Ed Decker's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the Sprite, the other missionary said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, Ed Decker obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other missionary picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
Mr. Decker returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, Mr. Decker slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our faiths? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Sprite's?"
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.
A BYU Coed was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her Relief Society Leader came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the Coed.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her leader.
"Why not?" asked the Coed.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
Two Mormon tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee who was taking their order, "Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl looked at her curiously, then leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"
The man said, "I do bishop."
The Bishop said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Bishop asked the second man, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
"Certainly, bishop," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the Bishop.
Then Bishop Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't sir."
The Bishop said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to the Celestial Kingdom?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A anxious soon to be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
A young B.Y.U student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out. But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Recently atop the new 60 story building being constructed in down town Salt lake City the following was overheard:
"Hey Mac, come over here to the edge with me; what's your name?"
"I'm Ralph, who are you?"
"Well, Ralph, I'm Jeff, sent here by the prophet to bring good news, are you a member of the priesthood, Ralph?"
"Yea, sure, Melchizedek in fact, Why Jeff?"
"Well, Ralph, do you recall how Jesus walked on water? Well, the prophet has been given the keys to walk on air and extends it to all the priesthood. Here, watch this."
Jeff steps off the ledge and walks out about ten feet and stands there in mid air.
"Wow!" says Ralph, "Do you mean I can do that?"
"Certainly", replies Jeff, "Just make a leap of faith."
Ralph takes a step from the ledge and plunges screaming to the pavement 60 floors below. Jeff walks back to the building and calls to another worker, "Hey, Mac, come over here."
Meanwhile on the street a passerby notices the occasional rain of bodies and approaches an apparently unconcerned worker nearby,
"Say, didn't you see several workers falling from above?"
"Oh yea, it's just Superman screwing around with the Mormons again."
The LDS 6 P's for perfection: prophets...presidency...patriarchs...priesthoods...payees...prozac.
Once two Mormons decided to go deer hunting on opening day, and as luck would have it, one of them bagged a humongus buck with massive antlers. After their initial excitement abated, one asked,
"Well Mike, what do we do now? I know absolutely nothing about dressing a deer."
"Me neither", said Frank, "Let's just drag him back to the truck and we'll take him to someone who can help us."
So they each grabbed a back leg and began dragging, but the huge antlers became entangled in every bush, briar, and vine they encountered. As they were thus struggling with the deer, they happened upon another hunter who noticed their difficulties.
"Hey fellas", he said, "You're doing that all wrong. Pull him by the antlers, that way the antlers won't get tangled and the lay of his hair won't be working against you either."
So they did as the stranger suggested and immediately realized he was right. They thanked him kindly and were soon making very good speed.
Shortly Mike said, "Wow this is a lot easier, we would have never made it the way we were going at it."
"Yeah", said Frank, "But have you noticed we're getting further away from the truck?"
The Mormon Church is so spiritually dead, that one time an old man died of a heart attack in the back of the chapel, and the medics took away three rows of people before they found him.
A Mormon Bishop got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. (they were alone) On the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. She turned to the Bishop and said:
"Can you make me feel like a true woman?"
The Bishop said: "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. He turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said:
"Now fold them".
The Mormon pilot and copilot were on their final approach to an unfamiliar airport when the following conversation was overheard:
"Copilot, do you see that runway? I've never seen one so short before, you'd better give me full flaps!"
"Aye Sir, full flaps as ordered."
Just before touchdown the pilot again turns to his copilot, "Damn that's short! Standby to reverse thrust, lock down the brakes, and drop the stern anchor if you can find one, this is going to be a rough one!"
Moments later after a very abrupt and unpleasant landing, the pilot again exclaims, "Oh man, have you ever seen such a short runway?"
The copilot turns to his left, gazes into the distance, then turns to his right, then answers, "No sir....but isn't it wide!"
Gordon Hinckley's definition of open discussion
"Don't ask, don't tell."
Once two Utah mountain lions met after not seeing each other for many years, one was fat and the other famished.
The fat one asked, "Hey Pete, you don't look so good, are you getting enough to eat?"
The other replied, "I don't understand it Joe, I catch plenty of Mormons, but I just can't seem to gain any weight."
"Well, let me watch you in action, maybe you're not doing it right."
So they went to Pete's favorite spot where he awaited an approaching Mormon. As he came near, Pete sprang at him from a big boulder with a horrifying roar and quickly devoured him.
Then Joe said to him, "I see your problem, Pete, you're scarring them too much. When you scare the crap out of a Mormon, there's not much left!"
Did you hear about the two missionaries who were fishing in a "pay to fish" lake and found a really productive spot.
One says, "Be sure to mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow."
"Sure thing!", came the reply.
After returning the boat and preparing to leave the first asked, "Did you mark the spot?"
"Yeah", he said, "I put an "X" on the side of the boat right where the fish were."
To this the first responded, "That wasn't very smart! What if we don't get the same boat tomorrow?"
College Fraternities have historically invented some pretty trying methods of initiating new members. One we know of eliminates two out of three initiates by determining which can live with a pig the longest. On one occasion a Jew, a Muslim, and a Mormon were moved in with a particularly obnoxious swine. After less than a day the Jew left. The Muslim suffered the indignation only another day and moved out. The Mormon, the victor of the trial, vowed to establish a new fraternity record for endurance, but after another day the pig left!
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because they can't see the light.
Q: Why will Mormons be the first one's to get to heaven?
A: Because the Bible says that; "the dead in Christ shall rise first".
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because; "darkness flee's the light."
One time two LDS missionaries where walking down the street, when they came upon some horse manure. The first missionary said;
"That looks like horse manure".
He then reached down and picked some up and said;
"Feels like horse manure".
He then tasted some and said;
"Taste like horse manure".
The second missionary then said;
"Good thing we didn't step in it."
Did you hear about the two missionaries who were building a new school? One noticed the other kept throwing away as many nails as he was using.
So he asked, "Hey man, why are you throwing away those nails?
The second replied with obvious frustration, "Aw, that stupid Christian at the Nail Factory sold us nails with the heads on the wrong end of them!"
"Don't throw them away," said the first, "We'll use them on the other side of the building."
Once Tom went to visit his friend Ben who had just moved into a new house. As they were sitting in the kitchen enjoying a cup of coffee, Ben walked over, open the door and yelled outside,
"Green side up!" and returned to the table. Tom was perplexed but said nothing.
A few minutes passed and again Ben went to the door and yelled outside, "Green side up!"
After this happened several times, Tom could no longer contain his curiosity and asked Ben to explain.
"Oh that", replied Ben with a laugh, "I've got my home teachers out there laying turf for me."
Q: Why do you always take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?
A: Because if you only take one, he'll drink all your beer!
Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Salt Lake City?
A: A Tourist!
A primary president, a high councillor, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that was hijacked. When the hijackers' demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row. The primary president asked for one last wish; to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councillor and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councillor requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please shoot me after the song."
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least six: One to change the light bulb; one to deny that there was any change made; one to say that we shouldn't focus on the change--only the need for light; one to say we don't teach that the light bulb needed changing in the first place; one to say that the changer was acting for himself and not as an official changer; and one to say "who cares who changed the bulb, don't you feel the burning of the light?
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If it's Relief Society, it takes four.
One to fix refreshments,
One to bring the tablecloth,
One to design the centerpiece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it's the Bishopric, forget it,
They don?t do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.
If it's the Elders, it takes four.
Three that don?t show up, and
One to change the bulb.
If it's the High Priests, it takes four.
Two to push the wheel chairs,
One to handle the oxygen tank,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it's the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to say an opening prayer, one to give a talk on changing light bulbs, one to change the light bulb, and one to say a closing prayer.
Q: How many home teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. And even though they didn't change any light bulbs this month, they promise to change one hundred percent of their light bulbs next month.
The Dean of Women at BYU was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
A elderly Mormon asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
One day a man called the Church Headquarters. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the Prophet, then you may refer to him as 'President,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
The Provo Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a BYU coed was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the BYU coed ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Bishop Smith and Bishop Young, are walking down the street when Young turns to Smith and says, "Brother Smith, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Smith says, "Brother Young, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Smith turns to Young and says, "Brother Young, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Young says, "Brother Smith, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Baptism, we have gone to the same temple together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Brother Smith, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Bishop Young turns to Bishop Smith, "Brother Smith, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Brother Young, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Washington D.C. to Salt Lake City, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . . . we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry . . . we still have one engine left."
A young Mormon missionary turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
There were three third graders -- a Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon -- at the playground trying to decide what game to play. The Baptist said, "I'm tired of basketball, baseball and soccer; lets play a game I heard about from my older brother called 'who has the longest hose'".
So the Baptist boy whips out his and it's about three inches, the Catholic pulls his out and it's about four inches, the Mormon pulls his out and it's about six inches.
The Baptist and Catholic boys say, "Darn, you win again; you always win!"
Then the Mormon went home and told his mom, "Hey Mom, I won another game today, it's called 'who has the longest hose'. Mine was almost twice as long as the other boys, is that because I'm a Mormon, Mom?"
His mom answered, "No, son, it's be cause you are 22."
Q; How many Mormon missionaries does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch out for cars.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for meself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
Two of the Mormon Churches attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
After she woke up, a LDS woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
An exasperated Mormon mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Q: What do naughty Mormons do when they get feisty at a party?
A: They heat up the punch!!!!
The following is a classic in LDS humor. We think that this joke started about the time of Joseph Smith: A man died and was spirited to Heaven, where he met St. Peter at the gate.
"Welcome to Heaven. I'll be showing you around." They walked a short way and came upon a group of people singing, shouting and raising their arms in the air..."This is where the pentacostal followers worship."
They walked a little further and saw some people taking holy communion "Over here are the Catholics".
They walked by several more groups of followers openly worshiping in their own ways. Then Peter said "shhh, be very quiet now" as they walked past a long, tall brick wall. On the other side they could hear shouting and singing - what sounded like a big party going on.
The man asked who was behind the wall. Peter said "Oh, those are the Mormons...they think they're the only ones here!"
Two Mormon missionaries boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, Ed Decker got on and took the aisle seat next to the two missionaries.
Ed Decker kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the missionary in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a Sprite." "No problem," said Ed, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the missionaries picked up Ed Decker's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the Sprite, the other missionary said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, Ed Decker obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other missionary picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
Mr. Decker returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, Mr. Decker slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our faiths? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Sprite's?"
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus.
A BYU Coed was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.
The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her Relief Society Leader came over to visit.
"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car," explained the Coed.
"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her leader.
"Why not?" asked the Coed.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
Two Mormon tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee who was taking their order, "Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl looked at her curiously, then leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"