Dual
RIP Karl 1991-2014
So a few hours ago, all of the solutions to the world's (or at least America's) problems came to me. I thought I'd give you guys a bit of a preview before I institute the new world order.
Problems I will fix:
Oil dependency.
Arab/Israeli Conflict.
Terrorism.
Iraq.
Illegal immigration and Mexico.
Politics.
The gap between haves and have nots.
Islamic terrorists (at least of the Al-Qaeda breed) are really just pissed off about the Saud family. Incidentally, the greedy fuckers are also one of the major problems for our oil supply. I will kill two birds with one stone by deposing the entire fucking family and either exiling, imprisoning, or killing the lot of them. Sound good? Next, we give the country to the Hashemites, merging with Jordan to form the Hashemite Kingdom of Arabia. The Hashemites rule essentially as a client state, not much of a stretch considering they're already pretty westernized (the royal family's like 75% English) and friendly with us. Oil prices go down, Al-Qaeda's primary goal has been accomplished.
Israel... We withdraw all support and formally stop recognizing the country. Recognition is transferred to Palestine. The Arabs then drive the Israelis into the sea, and that problem is fixed.
Carve out the northern portion of Iraq and form an independent nation, Kurdistan. The Kurd's will then attack Turkish Kurdistan, of course - reuniting with their cross-border cousins and all. Anyway, we have a large, new, and American-friendly powerhouse in the north.
Split the rest of Iraq into three pieces - Mesopotamia, Basra (southern region), Anbar (western region), and Regastan in the east of the Tigris up to the Persian border. All of these states are immediately annexed to the USA as the 51st through 54th states.
Here's where the brilliance of my plan comes into effect. At the same time, we depose the government of Mexico and annex each of its provinces as a state. Now of course, we don't want that many Mexicans so close to us, so we use the age old method of population transfers and completely switch the Iraqi and Mexican populations. History shows that this is an effective way to make troublesome populations loyal.
Now, we have de facto control of Saudi Arabia and direct control of Iraq and Mexico. Our oil problem has been solved forever, but I'll do one better. We'll start building nuclear power plants again, because there's really no reason not to. It's a clean, effective, neverending source of energy, and this will stop us from depending on oil, but we'll still have a shit ton just in case. And we can always export it.
For the political front I've saved one of my more controversial measures. The American Republic will be abolished, and the American Empire will be declared in its place. We'll never have to worry about people like Hillary fucking Clinton becoming president again.
The office of emperor will not be hereditary. In fact, the emperor will select the crown prince from amongst his most capable associates, creating complete political stability.
Haves and have nots... I'll borrow a trick from the ancient Athenians. Babies will be redistributed at birth. Family units will have no blood ties. More on this next time.
Any thoughts on this part? I'll probably have more ready tomorrow.
Problems I will fix:
Oil dependency.
Arab/Israeli Conflict.
Terrorism.
Iraq.
Illegal immigration and Mexico.
Politics.
The gap between haves and have nots.
Islamic terrorists (at least of the Al-Qaeda breed) are really just pissed off about the Saud family. Incidentally, the greedy fuckers are also one of the major problems for our oil supply. I will kill two birds with one stone by deposing the entire fucking family and either exiling, imprisoning, or killing the lot of them. Sound good? Next, we give the country to the Hashemites, merging with Jordan to form the Hashemite Kingdom of Arabia. The Hashemites rule essentially as a client state, not much of a stretch considering they're already pretty westernized (the royal family's like 75% English) and friendly with us. Oil prices go down, Al-Qaeda's primary goal has been accomplished.
Israel... We withdraw all support and formally stop recognizing the country. Recognition is transferred to Palestine. The Arabs then drive the Israelis into the sea, and that problem is fixed.
Carve out the northern portion of Iraq and form an independent nation, Kurdistan. The Kurd's will then attack Turkish Kurdistan, of course - reuniting with their cross-border cousins and all. Anyway, we have a large, new, and American-friendly powerhouse in the north.
Split the rest of Iraq into three pieces - Mesopotamia, Basra (southern region), Anbar (western region), and Regastan in the east of the Tigris up to the Persian border. All of these states are immediately annexed to the USA as the 51st through 54th states.
Here's where the brilliance of my plan comes into effect. At the same time, we depose the government of Mexico and annex each of its provinces as a state. Now of course, we don't want that many Mexicans so close to us, so we use the age old method of population transfers and completely switch the Iraqi and Mexican populations. History shows that this is an effective way to make troublesome populations loyal.
Now, we have de facto control of Saudi Arabia and direct control of Iraq and Mexico. Our oil problem has been solved forever, but I'll do one better. We'll start building nuclear power plants again, because there's really no reason not to. It's a clean, effective, neverending source of energy, and this will stop us from depending on oil, but we'll still have a shit ton just in case. And we can always export it.
For the political front I've saved one of my more controversial measures. The American Republic will be abolished, and the American Empire will be declared in its place. We'll never have to worry about people like Hillary fucking Clinton becoming president again.
The office of emperor will not be hereditary. In fact, the emperor will select the crown prince from amongst his most capable associates, creating complete political stability.
Haves and have nots... I'll borrow a trick from the ancient Athenians. Babies will be redistributed at birth. Family units will have no blood ties. More on this next time.
Any thoughts on this part? I'll probably have more ready tomorrow.
