BRIAN, SINCE YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND BETTER WHEN PEOPLE SHOUT AT YOU, HERE'S SOME CAPS FOR YOU. I JUST TALKED TO YOUR MOTHER. SHE SAID SHE'S HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR INTERNET SHENNANIGANS. SHE'S FRANKLY WORRIED FOR YOUR SAFETY, AND I DON'T BLAME HER. AFTER ALL, YOU'RE TWELVE, AND YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR FREE TIME HERE OR MASTURBATING. NEITHER IS VERY CONDUCIVE TO FITNESS OR HYGIENE. I KNOW YOU MISS YOUR DAD, BUT HE WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO WASTE AWAY LIKE THIS.
I'VE BEEN GIVING YOU A HARD TIME BECAUSE I THOUGHT "IVOVI" WAS YOUR COUSIN, TED. TED'S ANOTHER MISDEMEANOR AWAY FROM THE BIG HOUSE. DO YOU WANT TO END UP THAT WAY? YOU'RE MUCH SMARTER, BRIAN.
SO LISTEN TO ME. GET UP, TURN OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER, GO TAKE WHAT WILL LIKELY BE YOUR FIRST SHOWER IN WEEKS, BRUSH THOSE MOSSY GROWTHS YOU CALL TEETH, PUT ON SOME CLEAN CLOTHES, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, AND ONLY TOUCH YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE USING THE RESTROOM. THEN GO OUT AND READ SOME BOOKS AND MAYBE TALK TO A REAL, FLESH-AND-BLOOD GIRL.
IF THIS CONTINUES, SOMEONE'S GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT YOUR ASS.