It's So Sad

[Gonad]

Everything can be fine and wonderful, and then the slightest little thing reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of. Happy things from the past and rhetorical fruitless questions that I don't want to ask; the dreaded "Why?" Recalling pleasant instances is by far the hardest, and I believe that this will happen over and over again for years. That is what I believe. Is it fair to others? I don't know, there isn't anything I can do about it or I'm doing everything I can about it whichever the reader believes in. Are Adam and Stuart still on AMC? They are so very awesome and fun. Tad and Dixie. *sigh* whatever happened to them and damn them for making me cry and remember how much in love I was. We were. Were. It is okay it has to be okay I'm sure he's dealt with this so many times I bet he has nothing but empathy but I loath risking this new thing as much as I wish I could confide in him as a friend. Friend he is such a friend I think which also makes me sad because my last boyfriend we were best friends on so many levels and I'll never have that again never ever but that's okay too because I understand how that works and there will be love that is different and just as good. This Erica and Janet thing is funny, as stupid and corny as it is. FOUR YEARS AND HE COULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME 30 DAYS NOTICE?!?!? But I'm still so incredibly grateful that it was all a practical matter and not an emotion-ridden break-up. Why did he have to be so stupid? I loved him so much and he threw it all away for what? At least it wasn't for another girl, but what in the world was he thinking? I begged him to stay but he got so much worse and now I'm thinking of the bad memories and it is so much easier to think of those and I feel so much better when I remember the bad things because I'm glad those bad things are out of my life now. So glad. There won't be any property damage with this guy. I think I feel better now, but for how long?

 

[Gonad]

We were so in love, it was so intense. Devoted. He would sing on my answering machine and then my voicemail every day. He picked a flower for me and left it for me at my work every day. We could look into eachother's faces for hours and hours. He made me laugh to the point of tears every day. But I'm not said right now because I'm keeping the bad memories firmly in my head and remembering these other parts distantly and clinicly.

 

[Elrod Jericoho]

 

[Gonad]

That's okay. I'm taking this time to continue thinning out exboyfriend relics. Hurts to see all this stuff, I avert my eyes from the handwriting so I don't have to go through the pain of reading all these heart-felt letters. He wrote lots of letters. He loved me so much. Hurts, but I can remember hurting worse than this in the past and remembering that helps too.

 

[Gonad]

Six months. Hmm. In my personal looking into the future timeline I figured that this is probably about when I'd start to date. Instead, I've spent six months with a wonderful new guy. I guess after six months he's no longer my hot new boyfriend; just my hot boyfriend now. Timeline? Here:

April 12--Essentially, this is when I and my boyfriend of ~four years break up. He is moving at the end of the month.

April 13-April 20 -- I try to talk him into staying, practically beg, etc whatever but I'm trying to fix things and keep him from leaving (at least until after June when finals are over)

April 20 -- I've just about had it, things are so bad and I decide that it is not worth it I just want him to leave and get out. I can handle anything; I just want him gone.

April 25th -- I get a call from my old guy friend to go see United 93 on Friday. This is the first time in a while that I've had the opportunity to go out and have fun without Tim disapproving, since he no longer has the right to disapprove. Plus, he can't stand this guy friend (for good reason) so this will be the first time I've hung out with this friend in over three years.

April 28 -- I hang out with my friend, go see United 93 and afterwards we pick up all my Star Trek and go to his place to hang out and drink and watch Star Trek. I introduce him to MySpace and we watch random Star Trek episode from almost every series all night; his roommate watches Star Trek with us. Roommate and I hit it off in the most PG sense of the phrase.

April 29 -- By my stuff in the morning there is a Star Blazers tape with a note to watch it and email roommate with what I think of it. I like it and we email back and forth all week.

May 1 -- Tim moves out.

May 4 -- I get the key.

May 5 -- First date? We watch Star Blazers and some 90s Conan OBrien tapes of mine in his room all night, strictly PG-13.

We have been seeing each other ever since.

Too soon? What do I think? I don't know. What does he think? I don't know.

 

[Gonad]

DIEDIEDIEDIE DIE DIED IDIE DIED IDEIDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEWHYOHWHYCANTIWONTIJUSTCURLUPINSAHOLEANDDIDDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

I'm so unhappy. And for no reason!?!?! Well, I can think of one for sure that is within my power to fix, and there are no other legitimate reasons. WHYDOES MY BRAIN LIEK TO DO THIS I WANT TO DIE I WANT TO DIE DIEDIEDIED IEDIEDIEDIEGIJOOEREALAMERICANHERODIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEISEXDIEDIEDIEDIEFOODDIEDIEDIESEXSEXSEXWEENEHOOWHOOHOODIEDIEDIEDIEDIEWDIE

I avoid physical pain. And I have one steak knife for kitchen use; which I am afraid of. The knife, not using the kitchen. But right now I do have a strong aversion to the kitchen and avoid it when at all possible. I wonder where that knife is. I'd better not wonder I'll scare myself before bed and have to double check my couch to make sure there aren't any sharp objects in there to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. "Some have greatness thrust upon them." Make that into a joke, eh? I just want to curl up into a ball and CEASETOEXIST CEASE TO EXITST EEACSE TO EXIST CEASETOEXIST BY IS IT EVER HARD TO NOT USE THE SPACE BAR BETWEEN WORDS CEASETOEXIST CEASETOEXIST

 

[Gonad]

I'm so anxious and unhappy.

SHAME IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR SHAME IS THE GREATEST MOTIVATOR SHAMEISTHEGREATESTMOTIVATORSHAMEIS THEGREATESTMOTIVATOR SHAMEISTHEGREATESTMOTIVATOR SHAMEISTHEGREATESTMOTIVATOR SHAME.

For shame.