Originally posted on http://www.somethingawful.com by Adventures Of Jesus:
The following interview takes place in a deluxe suite at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Our interviewer was prepared for nearly anything, but not for this calm, casual man in a Nike track suit who sat chain-smoking American Spirits by the panorama window, eating seedless grapes and playing idly with a Nintendo DS.
So...what do you prefer? Jesus, or the Son of God, or...
Whatever. Jesus, J-Dog. The C.O. I'm not-
"C.O."...Commanding Officer?
Chosen One. But I'm not picky. It's less about the title than the respect, y'know? If there's respect there, I'll take J.C., I'll take anything. Honestly I can't remember the last time I got called something that really rubbed me the wrong way.
We'll stick with Jesus.
Golden. (lights cigarette)
Can we start with this most recent incident in the former Soviet Union-
Well, here's your Cliffs Notes. That was a ten-ton fuckup and we did everything we could to prevent casualties. Sometimes things happen.
All right, but in this case, what allegedly happened resulted in eleven deaths and thirty-seven injuries, ranging from-
Twelve.
Sorry?
(exhales smoke) Twelve deaths.
(consults folder) The UN report references eleven Latvian workers crushed to death.
That's because your little U.N. report isn't counting the friggin' balrog I took out with that pillar.
Balrog? As in the Tolkienian monster?
I guess. I don't know about any Tolkan or whatever. Are you talking about a big winged motherfucker with a whip?
That's right. Interestingly, it seems then that Tolkien's Balrog is based on actual demonic messengers that manifest themselves in our reality?
...I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Okay, back to the Latvian-
They're fuckin' real if that's what you're asking.
Right.
Ask those eighty Latvians roasting on pitchforks if the fucking thing is real.
We'll get back to that. But I first want to clarify your position. Are casualties justified in the greater good? In a case like this-
Absolutely. Absolutely, man, look, for starters I warned all those guys to get out of the factory. But I bet you didn't know that factory was a front for these fringe fundamentalists cooking up chemicals for North Korea. I bet that's not in your little report.
The report is pretty vague.
And that's the way we like it. Look, the less you know about it, the better, but there's a war going on out there. A full-blown war. It doesn't make the news, it doesn't make the headlines. But it's a constant battle, man. And me and the guys bust ass to keep things safe, keep you guys happy and free, and keep Satan from turning this planet into a flaming turd. And if a coupla Russians gotta take one for the team, you know, that's not my first choice. That's not what we-
You sound like you made peace with this a LONG time ago.
Absolutely.
Is this a common occurrence?
What, the fringe guys?
No, the Latvian scientists who had a pillar dropped on them on their way back from lunch. It sounds like-
Hey, you can drop the passive-aggressive shit. I know what I did. I'm taking responsibility. I told those guys to get out and they didn't listen. If I take the time to feel bad about- look, I spend enough time feeling shitty about things without these Latvian greaseballs keeping me up at night.
Fair enough. Moving on-
They were mixing sarin gas at that place. Ever smell that stuff?
No!
Damn right you never did. One whiff of that shit and you're ready to crawl back under the rock, know what I mean?
Uh...
Figure of speech. (stubs out cigarette}
All right, I'd like to touch on a point you made in passing. You referenced Latvians "roasting on pitchforks". Are you saying that the manner of death influences the fate of a soul?
I couldn't say for everybody, man. But yeah, if a demon takes you out, you're going to hell. Sucks, doesn't it?
It doesn't sound nice. But what you're saying is extraordinary in that it runs counter to traditional Christian doctrine, in which it is implied throughout that it's the manner in which a life is led that determines a soul's fate, not the manner in which that life is ended.
(scratches beard) I hear you. I don't know, man, I really don't. One of the mysteries. Pretty unfair, honestly. I used to buy gear from this ex-Marine dude in Miami, big grizzly-bear motherfucker named Trent, just the nicest guy in the world. Busted ass for his country, busted ass for the Lord. Great guy, heavy artillery coming out of his ass, great guy to know. And I can tell you right now that if ever a guy deserved to go to heaven, it was Trent. Just a phenomenal guy all the way around. And he's roasting right now because he had a bad run at a friggin Texas hold 'em table. It's that simple, man. You run into the wrong guy, wrong place wrong time type scenario, and it's over. (snaps fingers)
You mentioned the "constant war." Is this a worldwide struggle, or localized to industrialized nations?
Worldwide. I flew here from Belize which, by the way, we have probably ten times more problems there with demonic insurrection there than in the rest of Central America combined.
Why do you-
No idea. None. Mayan temples. Crop circles. No clue. But I'll tell you this, if I find out that those temples have got something to do with it, I'm gonna raze those fuckers to the ground. You can print that.
That's a pretty bold statement, considering the archaeological value of those ruins alone.
Fuck 'em. Find somewhere else to dig. (lights a cigarette}
Do you foresee that sort of initiative?
Hell no. Got no proof.
Elsewhere?
Next question.
There are persisting reports of your activity in Egypt, for example.
Next question.
All right. Actually, the third-world angle brings up something interesting as far as conflicting faiths. Belize is predominantly Christian, yet there are widely-publicized sightings of your group in India, for example.
Sure.
Not exactly Vatican City.
So?
Can I infer from these answers that neither Satan's activity nor by extension yours focuses on Christian regions as opposed to Hindi, Muslim, J-
You can infer whatever you want, brother. I solve problems. That's what I do. And at the end of the day, I don't care if you worship Me or Buddha or the blonde sitting across from you on the subway. If you're drawing breath in this world, you're my responsibility.
Interesting. Care to clarify?
What's to clarify? (blows smoke ring)
All right. Let's talk about the team. Everyone knows you rarely travel without some or all of your disciples. What can you tell us about your support squad?
I'd be lost without them. I mean, screwed. And let me make something clear: they all do their thing. Just because Matthew and Mark and Luke are the ones who make the wire with me, that's just because they're most effective in the field. Everything we do is made possible by my boys at home. Don't doubt it.
I'm glad you brought that up, because it seems to be popular perception that many of the disciples seem to shun the public eye. True?
Oh, no way. They love it. They just, everyone's got a role. You know? And the biggest part of what we're...the most important part of it is understanding those roles. Bartholomew knows he's never gonna have a centerfold of him jammed eight feet down behind those PKO turbines underneath the Crucifix, finding a way to coax that extra half-percentage of juice out of the primary boosters. He understands that. When we come back alive, that's his reward, you know? That's his payoff. And that's, basically that's what being a disciple is all about.
It's nice to see you giving recognition to the less-well-known members of your team.
Yeah, well, still, you can find a list of 'em in every hotel room in the world, so I wouldn't call them unsung heroes, exactly, but yeah. My niggas.
Are you-
Figure of speech.
We'll take your word for it. You mentioned the Crucifix. It goes without saying that there isn't an engineer on Earth who wouldn't love a look at that incredible ship. How far ahead of current technology would you say-
(laughs) Sure, look, you bang a couple rocks together and make monkey noises, and I'll play some Halo and have a Red Bull. That's pretty much how far away you guys are. (stubs out cigarette)
I can believe it. Have you ever timed her maximum speed in the lower atmosphere?
We once made it from Moscow to Boise, Idaho in just under 40 minutes. Unofficially.
Jesus Chr- (stops himself)
It's okay, I said the same thing.
Care to drop any hints as to where you got it?
Custom build by the (*untranslatable*). Past the Tyrrana cluster in the Faedyll Reach.
No idea where you're talking about.
I know it. You won't make it there for a long time.
The - (attempts to pronounce *untranslatable*)
You're wasting your time.
I had to try.
You need tongue surgery just to do the vowels.
And this was a custom build by...
Some friends who owed me a favor.
But if these friends are so far away, it seems odd that your influence would extend throughout the universe.
Well, let me explain. I'm Jesus.
I understand that, but I guess my question would be, if your influence truly spreads what I'm going to assume is hundreds of light-years in all directions, why you would choose to focus so much of your energies on Earth?
Well, let me clarify something. Just because they're heard of me out there in the clusters or whatever, that doesn't mean I gotta go running out there every time there's a disaster. If you really want to know, I helped out on some local business with some miners that got off-course, I gave them a hand, word got back, they're an honorable race.
Interesting. So you're aware of alien activity on Earth.
Constantly.
Care to put some kind of a number-
Nope. Next question.
While I certainly respect your concerns, I'd like to pursue this line of questioning a little further.
Man, I'm not gonna tell you any of that stuff. You guys gotta discover that by yourself. All I'm gonna tell you is, keep looking. And not in the middle of the desert. You're way off base there. Waste of time.
Incredible. Are you implying that Roswell-
Look, next question, man! {lights another cigarette)
Do you always smoke this much?
Are you always such a tightass?
Well, it's a fair question, I've just noticed-
It's called "immortality". You should try it sometime.
Point taken.
Whooooole new world. (wiggles fingers)
All right. Can we talk a bit about Satan?
Sure.
You've tangled with your nemesis hundreds of times all over the world. How would you categorize your relationship with him?
Ha! What kind of question is that?
Well, would you say there's an element of respect you have for each other?
No.
Really? Despite the fact that you've done battle throughout the ages, always stalemating?
What does that have to do with it?
Well, I would think it's somewhat natural for two arch-enemies to harbor some respect after such a long time. There are examples throughout history.
Well, they're not fighting Satan.
True. All right, are there words you might use to characterize your opponent?
Persistent. Stupid. Shithead. Faggot. Dumb.
He'll probably read this, you know.
Like I care.
Anything else to add.
Only this. Probably the most frustrating part of saving the day again and again is the fact that most of the time, the whole reason Satan's causing any trouble is because some mortal's helping him. Because he came down and gave away a Porsche, or gave away some money, or whatever he gave away, the problem is the same. Satan lied to some dude and the dumb motherfucker believed him. So let me make it clear right now: Satan can't be straight. He just can't. I mean it. It's like killing yourself by holding your breath. It's impossible. So if you're in a situation where you're being pitched right now, and you think that maybe, just maybe, you're the exception, that you might be the guy who actually gets a good deal, you need to get real. You're being lied to. It's all he does. It's all he ever does.
Nice to know we might be able to make a difference by sending that message to our readers.
It won't help. But what are ya gonna do.
Actually, let's talk about help for a minute. It seems to have become standard policy for the United States government to deny all knowledge of your group's activities, most recently in the wake of an incident at Epcot Center where-
Oh, that was great. You see that video?
Yes, I-
BOOOOOOM! Takin' names! That's what I'm talking about!
Does it bother you that you don't receive more support from the Armed Forces, for example?
Oh, no. Nah. They wouldn't know what to do in the first place. And I couldn't deal with all the paperwork.
So you prefer to work alone?
No,I didn't say that. Everyone needs a hand now and then. And it's not like they're all clueless. Mensa helps out sometimes.
Mensa?
Yeah, the Mensa Ops. Best crew you never heard of. You should interview one of those guys sometimes. They got stories like you wouldn't believe.
All right, we can look-
Better be ready to party, though. Oh yeah. Those guys are hardcore.
We'll keep that in mind. Any other message for our readers?
Yeah. Be true to yourself. Eliminate the hate. And always look on the bright side of life.
Heh. You know that's from-
Jesus winks and disappears in a brief flash of blinding light. On the table, the cigarette burns feebly, smoke curling up in graceful silhouette to the Vegas strip.
The following interview takes place in a deluxe suite at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Our interviewer was prepared for nearly anything, but not for this calm, casual man in a Nike track suit who sat chain-smoking American Spirits by the panorama window, eating seedless grapes and playing idly with a Nintendo DS.
So...what do you prefer? Jesus, or the Son of God, or...
Whatever. Jesus, J-Dog. The C.O. I'm not-
"C.O."...Commanding Officer?
Chosen One. But I'm not picky. It's less about the title than the respect, y'know? If there's respect there, I'll take J.C., I'll take anything. Honestly I can't remember the last time I got called something that really rubbed me the wrong way.
We'll stick with Jesus.
Golden. (lights cigarette)
Can we start with this most recent incident in the former Soviet Union-
Well, here's your Cliffs Notes. That was a ten-ton fuckup and we did everything we could to prevent casualties. Sometimes things happen.
All right, but in this case, what allegedly happened resulted in eleven deaths and thirty-seven injuries, ranging from-
Twelve.
Sorry?
(exhales smoke) Twelve deaths.
(consults folder) The UN report references eleven Latvian workers crushed to death.
That's because your little U.N. report isn't counting the friggin' balrog I took out with that pillar.
Balrog? As in the Tolkienian monster?
I guess. I don't know about any Tolkan or whatever. Are you talking about a big winged motherfucker with a whip?
That's right. Interestingly, it seems then that Tolkien's Balrog is based on actual demonic messengers that manifest themselves in our reality?
...I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Okay, back to the Latvian-
They're fuckin' real if that's what you're asking.
Right.
Ask those eighty Latvians roasting on pitchforks if the fucking thing is real.
We'll get back to that. But I first want to clarify your position. Are casualties justified in the greater good? In a case like this-
Absolutely. Absolutely, man, look, for starters I warned all those guys to get out of the factory. But I bet you didn't know that factory was a front for these fringe fundamentalists cooking up chemicals for North Korea. I bet that's not in your little report.
The report is pretty vague.
And that's the way we like it. Look, the less you know about it, the better, but there's a war going on out there. A full-blown war. It doesn't make the news, it doesn't make the headlines. But it's a constant battle, man. And me and the guys bust ass to keep things safe, keep you guys happy and free, and keep Satan from turning this planet into a flaming turd. And if a coupla Russians gotta take one for the team, you know, that's not my first choice. That's not what we-
You sound like you made peace with this a LONG time ago.
Absolutely.
Is this a common occurrence?
What, the fringe guys?
No, the Latvian scientists who had a pillar dropped on them on their way back from lunch. It sounds like-
Hey, you can drop the passive-aggressive shit. I know what I did. I'm taking responsibility. I told those guys to get out and they didn't listen. If I take the time to feel bad about- look, I spend enough time feeling shitty about things without these Latvian greaseballs keeping me up at night.
Fair enough. Moving on-
They were mixing sarin gas at that place. Ever smell that stuff?
No!
Damn right you never did. One whiff of that shit and you're ready to crawl back under the rock, know what I mean?
Uh...
Figure of speech. (stubs out cigarette}
All right, I'd like to touch on a point you made in passing. You referenced Latvians "roasting on pitchforks". Are you saying that the manner of death influences the fate of a soul?
I couldn't say for everybody, man. But yeah, if a demon takes you out, you're going to hell. Sucks, doesn't it?
It doesn't sound nice. But what you're saying is extraordinary in that it runs counter to traditional Christian doctrine, in which it is implied throughout that it's the manner in which a life is led that determines a soul's fate, not the manner in which that life is ended.
(scratches beard) I hear you. I don't know, man, I really don't. One of the mysteries. Pretty unfair, honestly. I used to buy gear from this ex-Marine dude in Miami, big grizzly-bear motherfucker named Trent, just the nicest guy in the world. Busted ass for his country, busted ass for the Lord. Great guy, heavy artillery coming out of his ass, great guy to know. And I can tell you right now that if ever a guy deserved to go to heaven, it was Trent. Just a phenomenal guy all the way around. And he's roasting right now because he had a bad run at a friggin Texas hold 'em table. It's that simple, man. You run into the wrong guy, wrong place wrong time type scenario, and it's over. (snaps fingers)
You mentioned the "constant war." Is this a worldwide struggle, or localized to industrialized nations?
Worldwide. I flew here from Belize which, by the way, we have probably ten times more problems there with demonic insurrection there than in the rest of Central America combined.
Why do you-
No idea. None. Mayan temples. Crop circles. No clue. But I'll tell you this, if I find out that those temples have got something to do with it, I'm gonna raze those fuckers to the ground. You can print that.
That's a pretty bold statement, considering the archaeological value of those ruins alone.
Fuck 'em. Find somewhere else to dig. (lights a cigarette}
Do you foresee that sort of initiative?
Hell no. Got no proof.
Elsewhere?
Next question.
There are persisting reports of your activity in Egypt, for example.
Next question.
All right. Actually, the third-world angle brings up something interesting as far as conflicting faiths. Belize is predominantly Christian, yet there are widely-publicized sightings of your group in India, for example.
Sure.
Not exactly Vatican City.
So?
Can I infer from these answers that neither Satan's activity nor by extension yours focuses on Christian regions as opposed to Hindi, Muslim, J-
You can infer whatever you want, brother. I solve problems. That's what I do. And at the end of the day, I don't care if you worship Me or Buddha or the blonde sitting across from you on the subway. If you're drawing breath in this world, you're my responsibility.
Interesting. Care to clarify?
What's to clarify? (blows smoke ring)
All right. Let's talk about the team. Everyone knows you rarely travel without some or all of your disciples. What can you tell us about your support squad?
I'd be lost without them. I mean, screwed. And let me make something clear: they all do their thing. Just because Matthew and Mark and Luke are the ones who make the wire with me, that's just because they're most effective in the field. Everything we do is made possible by my boys at home. Don't doubt it.
I'm glad you brought that up, because it seems to be popular perception that many of the disciples seem to shun the public eye. True?
Oh, no way. They love it. They just, everyone's got a role. You know? And the biggest part of what we're...the most important part of it is understanding those roles. Bartholomew knows he's never gonna have a centerfold of him jammed eight feet down behind those PKO turbines underneath the Crucifix, finding a way to coax that extra half-percentage of juice out of the primary boosters. He understands that. When we come back alive, that's his reward, you know? That's his payoff. And that's, basically that's what being a disciple is all about.
It's nice to see you giving recognition to the less-well-known members of your team.
Yeah, well, still, you can find a list of 'em in every hotel room in the world, so I wouldn't call them unsung heroes, exactly, but yeah. My niggas.
Are you-
Figure of speech.
We'll take your word for it. You mentioned the Crucifix. It goes without saying that there isn't an engineer on Earth who wouldn't love a look at that incredible ship. How far ahead of current technology would you say-
(laughs) Sure, look, you bang a couple rocks together and make monkey noises, and I'll play some Halo and have a Red Bull. That's pretty much how far away you guys are. (stubs out cigarette)
I can believe it. Have you ever timed her maximum speed in the lower atmosphere?
We once made it from Moscow to Boise, Idaho in just under 40 minutes. Unofficially.
Jesus Chr- (stops himself)
It's okay, I said the same thing.
Care to drop any hints as to where you got it?
Custom build by the (*untranslatable*). Past the Tyrrana cluster in the Faedyll Reach.
No idea where you're talking about.
I know it. You won't make it there for a long time.
The - (attempts to pronounce *untranslatable*)
You're wasting your time.
I had to try.
You need tongue surgery just to do the vowels.
And this was a custom build by...
Some friends who owed me a favor.
But if these friends are so far away, it seems odd that your influence would extend throughout the universe.
Well, let me explain. I'm Jesus.
I understand that, but I guess my question would be, if your influence truly spreads what I'm going to assume is hundreds of light-years in all directions, why you would choose to focus so much of your energies on Earth?
Well, let me clarify something. Just because they're heard of me out there in the clusters or whatever, that doesn't mean I gotta go running out there every time there's a disaster. If you really want to know, I helped out on some local business with some miners that got off-course, I gave them a hand, word got back, they're an honorable race.
Interesting. So you're aware of alien activity on Earth.
Constantly.
Care to put some kind of a number-
Nope. Next question.
While I certainly respect your concerns, I'd like to pursue this line of questioning a little further.
Man, I'm not gonna tell you any of that stuff. You guys gotta discover that by yourself. All I'm gonna tell you is, keep looking. And not in the middle of the desert. You're way off base there. Waste of time.
Incredible. Are you implying that Roswell-
Look, next question, man! {lights another cigarette)
Do you always smoke this much?
Are you always such a tightass?
Well, it's a fair question, I've just noticed-
It's called "immortality". You should try it sometime.
Point taken.
Whooooole new world. (wiggles fingers)
All right. Can we talk a bit about Satan?
Sure.
You've tangled with your nemesis hundreds of times all over the world. How would you categorize your relationship with him?
Ha! What kind of question is that?
Well, would you say there's an element of respect you have for each other?
No.
Really? Despite the fact that you've done battle throughout the ages, always stalemating?
What does that have to do with it?
Well, I would think it's somewhat natural for two arch-enemies to harbor some respect after such a long time. There are examples throughout history.
Well, they're not fighting Satan.
True. All right, are there words you might use to characterize your opponent?
Persistent. Stupid. Shithead. Faggot. Dumb.
He'll probably read this, you know.
Like I care.
Anything else to add.
Only this. Probably the most frustrating part of saving the day again and again is the fact that most of the time, the whole reason Satan's causing any trouble is because some mortal's helping him. Because he came down and gave away a Porsche, or gave away some money, or whatever he gave away, the problem is the same. Satan lied to some dude and the dumb motherfucker believed him. So let me make it clear right now: Satan can't be straight. He just can't. I mean it. It's like killing yourself by holding your breath. It's impossible. So if you're in a situation where you're being pitched right now, and you think that maybe, just maybe, you're the exception, that you might be the guy who actually gets a good deal, you need to get real. You're being lied to. It's all he does. It's all he ever does.
Nice to know we might be able to make a difference by sending that message to our readers.
It won't help. But what are ya gonna do.
Actually, let's talk about help for a minute. It seems to have become standard policy for the United States government to deny all knowledge of your group's activities, most recently in the wake of an incident at Epcot Center where-
Oh, that was great. You see that video?
Yes, I-
BOOOOOOM! Takin' names! That's what I'm talking about!
Does it bother you that you don't receive more support from the Armed Forces, for example?
Oh, no. Nah. They wouldn't know what to do in the first place. And I couldn't deal with all the paperwork.
So you prefer to work alone?
No,I didn't say that. Everyone needs a hand now and then. And it's not like they're all clueless. Mensa helps out sometimes.
Mensa?
Yeah, the Mensa Ops. Best crew you never heard of. You should interview one of those guys sometimes. They got stories like you wouldn't believe.
All right, we can look-
Better be ready to party, though. Oh yeah. Those guys are hardcore.
We'll keep that in mind. Any other message for our readers?
Yeah. Be true to yourself. Eliminate the hate. And always look on the bright side of life.
Heh. You know that's from-
Jesus winks and disappears in a brief flash of blinding light. On the table, the cigarette burns feebly, smoke curling up in graceful silhouette to the Vegas strip.
