Johnny Nose Halloween story

[CaptainWacky]

PART 1

Emma was bored. It was bad enough that her mum had told her to watch her little brother and his stupid friends while they were trick or treating. But now creepy Joe was following her about. She knew he fancied her. She's often caught him perving on her at school. She wanted to tell him to piss off...but his friend Gary was with him. And she liked Gary.

"I wish they'd hurry up," said Emma.

"Yeah, stupid kids," said Creepy Joe.

"Don't talk about my brother like that," said Emma.

"S...sorry," said Joe. Stuterring idiot.

"You going to come to the part when you're done?" asked Gary. He was interested in her! Was it just her Catwoman costume?

"Yeah, if they hurry up!" she said.

"Hey, I know how to get them to hurry up," said Creepy Joe, with a creepy smile. "Scare them. Take them to that mental home over the road."

"They're just people with problems," said Emma, looking over at the group house. "I doubt they'd answer the door."

"Come on, could be good for a laugh!" said Creepy Joe.

"I did hear that one of them's a murderer," shrugged Gary. So casual.

"Well, okay..." said Emma. She didn't think her mum would like this. But if Gary thought it was cool, maybe it would be funny. "Come on, kids," she shouted to her brother.

"Where we going?" asked her little brother Brain as they walked across the road.

"The MENTAL house!" said Creepy Joe, jumping in front of her. She sighed.

"There's someone at the window," said Gary, as they stood at the door. The figure finished suddenly.

"I don't like this," said Emma. "We shouldn't be here..."

"Yeah, these mental patients are pretty crazy and scary," said Creepy Joe. "One of them ate his dog."

"Eww!" said Brian.

"Don't talk shite," said Emma.

"No, I think I heard that on the news," said Gary, thoughtfully.

"Oh..." said Emma.

Suddenly the door opened. Everyonen, even Gary, jumped a little. A man was standing there. Emma was relieved to notice he was wearing a doctor's coat.

"Oh, hello there," he said, smiling. "We don't get many trick or treaters coming here..."

"We'll go," said Emma, quickly.

"No, no," said the doctor, still smiling. "Come inside for a minute while I get some sweets. Don't worry, it's quite safe. Not like your friend here was saying." He was looking at Creepy Joe as he said that.

"Uhh, I was just messing," said Joe, sheepishly, as they all stepped inside.

The door blew shut.

"Don't worry about that," said the doctor, still smiling. He had been smiling a lot. Looking at Emma as he did it. In fact, he almost reminded Emma of Creepy Joe...

She grabbed Brain's hand and turned to Gary.

"Gary, I want to go," she said.

"Maybe we should..." said Gary. But suddenly the doctor threw his coat off and started laughing. Then the lights went off.

Brian screamed. Creepy Joe did too. Emma held her brother's hand tight and tried to run, but crashed into the man who'd been pretending to be a doctor. Then he spoke.

"You know those dangerous crazy people you kids were talking about?" said Johnny Nose. "I'm the most dangerous, craziest one of them all!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

"This isn't funny," said Gary. "You're scaring people. Turn the lights on and unlock the door."

"But isn't Halloween about scaring people?" asked Johnny. "Still, I'm impessed, standing up to me. I must be twice your age! Christ, that's literally true, isn't it? I remember when I was fifteen...I wasn't much different than I am now. Where does time go? That's the true horror here, kids. The ravages of age."

"Shut up and let us out," said Gary. He wasn't scared. Or wasn't showing it anyway.

"So tough!" said Johnny. "That slutty girl in the Catwoman costume must be frothing at the gash! I know I am! Did I mention that I'm an aggressive homosexaul paedophile, by the way? I mean, I'm not, but did I mention it?"

Gary grabbed for the mad man...then Joe shouted in pain.

"Oww, Gary, get off me," he said.

"Hehe, you can't catch me!" said Johnny. Then the lights in another room came on. "Damn it, too early," said Johnny, quickly running into that room.

"There he is, kick his arse!" said Joe.

"Let's just get out of here," said Emma.

"I think I have the door handle but it won't open," said Gary.

"IF YOU WANT TO ESCAPE, YOU MUST PASS THE CHALLENGE THAT AWAITS YOU IN THE HAUNTED KITCHEN," shouted Johnny.

"Sod this, he's just a sad nutter," said Gary. "Maybe we shoud kick his arse...or take the keys off him anyway." And Gary marched towards the kitchen, with Joe following.

"You okay?" Emma asked Brian.

"This is fun!" said Brian. "I'm glad your brought us here!" They followed.

"WELCOME!" said Johnny. "You've probably guessed by now that I have a beautiful assistant helping me..." Gary we walking straight at Johnny now.

"It's me!" said a young woman, stepping into view. She was fat and holding a shotgun. Gary froze.

"I present to you, Big Bertha!" said Johnny.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Big Bertha.

"Okay, this isn't as much fun now," said Brian as Emma gasped.

Creepy Joe pissed his pants.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[curiousa2z]

well do we have to wait another year?

 

[Dr Dave]

Post Halloween bump

 

[CaptainWacky]

"This is getting out of control," said Gary, desperately trying to do something. He really was a brave young lad, Johnny thought. It made Johnny angry.

"SHUT UP, BRAVEY!" said Johnny. "Do you have any idea how UNFAIR it is that bravery comes naturally to people like you? Imagine for a minute what it's like to be a natural coward. Imagine how hard that was for me. Now image WHAT BIG BERTHA'S GOING TO DO TO YOU!"

"Johnny, can I shoot now?" asked Big Berha. "We can make out again after I do."

"Yeah..." said Johnny. "Let's wait a while longer then." There was a banging on a door in the kitchen.

"What's that?" ask Emma, terrified.

"A ZOMBIE ROBOT!" said Johnny Nose. "No, actually it's doctor SHITFACE. That's not his real name. His real name is DOCTOR PAEDOFUCK. We call him Shiface to be nice, don't we, Bertha?"

"AHAHAHAAHAHAHA!"

"Well, quite. Anyway, I had to lock him away. He was the lucky one. I killed the rest of the staff and ate their bodies. And some of them weren't even hot! The rest of the patienst I locked in their rooms. Bertha's the only one I could trust. You see I've been planning this ever since I got here. I played nice for a long time. Didn't say anything offensive. Didn't grab any tits. Didn't wank into every carpet. That was to lull them into a false sense of security, you see. I knew Bertha had the shotgun under her bed. Then all I had to do was steal the keys, lock all the staff up...err, apart from those I murdered, of course, and wait for some PUNK KIDS to come here. Hi kids!"

"What do you want from us?" asked Gary.

"He's going to rape us," moaned Creepy Joe.

"You have a sick mind," said Johnny. "I like that! You can go first! BEHOLD...A BARREL OF APPLES!" Johnny dragged it into view. It was full of apples and water.

"Yeah..." said Creepy Joe.

"BOB!" said Johnny. "BOB FOR YOUR LIFE!"

"That's...that's it?" asked Joe.

"Well, whichever one of you gets the least apples dies," said Johnny. "Did I mention that? Bertha, get ready to do some killing!"

"Then we can make out?" she asked, hopefully.

"Sure..." said Johnny. "NOW GET TO IT!"

"I'm too nervous to bob!" said Creepy Joe. Had he pissed himself again?

"I'll go first," said Gary.

"GOD, you're so SICKENLY BRAVE!" said Johnny. "Catwoman's nipples could cut glass right now!"

"Don't talk about her like that, pervert," said Gary.

"Why not, she's old enough," said Johnny.

"I'm fourteen," Emma managed to say.

"Oh..." said Johnny, thrown for a moment. "I didn't...I mean...they grow up so fast...you that age too?" he asked Gary.

"Fifteen," said Gary.

"I remember being that age," said Johnny. "I reckon I could have made something of myself back then...too late now. I'm literally twice your age. Heh. Imagine that. Life...it's nothing, kids. Years go by like days. Time is an illusion...this moment right here is the present, but when I'm eighty and dying that will be the present too...the only escape is death. Think about that. Think about how even the old message boards you used to post your rape fantasies on is anactive now. Nothing lasts. Nothing ever lasts..."

"Please, just let us go," pleaded Emma.

Johnny thought about this for a moment. Not much of a moment, but he didn think about it.

"Nah!" he said. "Life is only one moment, but you might as well make the most of that moment! And there's nothing I like better than terrosing children. NOW BOB, BITCH! AND TRY NOT TO LOOK TOO SEXY!"

Emma stepped over to the barrel of apples.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

"DO IT!" said Johnny.

Emma kneed Johnny in the testicles. Well, she attempted to. Her outfit really was too tight, and she couldn't get her knee up high enough. But she gave it a good go.

"Oh dear..." said Johnny. He looked over at Big Bertha.

"It's shootering time!" she said.

"Don't hurt my sister!" said Brian, crying.

"It's not a real gun," said Emma. "Look at it, it's made out of plastic!"

"Oh yeah," said Gary.

"I knew it!" lied Creepy Joe.

"WELL DONE," said Johnny. "You've passed the test! I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Johnny Nose."

"You're just a sad crazy person!" said Emma, fuming.

"HEY, I might be sad and crazy but...yeah, that's what I am," conceded Johnny.

"Let's kick his arse!" said Gary to Creepy Joe.

"Sure, you get started," said Joe, still scared.

"Wait, just listen...this was just a bit of fun. For me and Bertha. She gets so lonely."

"ME SO RONELY!" said Big Bertha. Then she wandered away.

"Fun?" asked Emma. "Scaring children is fun to you?"

"And you said it took all year to plan this," said Gary.

"Well, that was a lie," confessed Johnny. His mask started to slip. "It was true that I behaved myself here for a while...because I stopped caring. About everything. I'm not going to die, I thought to myself, so what's the point. I think that a lot. I don't know if you kids ever will...I think it's because I'm not normal. Not right in the head. I can't think about normal people things...all I have is death. But hey, it's still true. Just going to fucking die. Doesn't that drive you crazy? Doesn't it make you angry? No? Just me?"

"You need help," said Emma.

"Well, that's why I'm here, supposedly!" said Johnny. "I lied about the rape fantasies too. I don't have rape fantasies. I have rape REALITIES! No, that was a joke too. It's all a big joke...I had given up. Until the doctor dropped the keys in my room. It was like an invitation. Something of the old Johnny Nose came out. I knew Big Bertha - not her real name - had that plastic shotgun...it was worth a shot. Wasn't it?"

"What do we do with him?" Gary asked the others. They weren't really listening to Johnny speak now.

"Live your lives, kids," said Johnny. "They're fucking pointless but it's better than being me."

"Phone the police," decided Gary.

"Well, toodles!" said Johnny. Then he ran right into the back door. It hurt. "Oops, better open it!" he said, fumbling for the handle. The kids just watched in pity, shock and disgust. Finally he ran outside.

They found the staff locked up in the room the knocking had come from. Jonny Nose hadn't eaten any of them. Emma took her little brother home. She didn't much care about Gary anymore. She liked him, but he wasn't really anything special, she decided. Gary, on the other hand, fancied Emma like mad now. Creepy Joe remebered how good Emma's bum had looked when she'd been attempting to knee Johnny Nose in the balls and added it to his wank bank. She already had many entries in there.

Johnny Nose ran on into the night. He didn't know when he'd stop. He didn't know where he'd end up. He couldn't imagine seeing another day. He finally sat down outside a shop. It was freezing cold. He didn't even have a jacket on. He had no idea what would happen next.

And he didn't much care.

THE END

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

He's like the Big Coupon Chicken that Peter Griffin can never finish off...

 

[CaptainWacky]

ONLY IN THE FIRST THREE SEASONS.

 

[Dr Dave]

That Nose!