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Johnny Nose Wins The World

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
PROLOGUE

Claire is sitting in her bedroom staring into her webcam. She sighs. She never wanted to do this before. But she has to put her side of the story out there. She turns the webcam on.

"Hi, I'm Claire. You might know me from....Johnny Nose's blogs. You might think my name is Wheelchair Claire. You might find that funny. I have a sense of humour. Yeah, I'm in a wheelchair and my name's Claire. Great. It's funny. I get that. But...I'm more than that. I'm...oh God this is terrible. I'm just whining into a camera. This is why I've never done this before. Why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say? I don't subscribe to anyone on YouTube except that girl who posts sex advice. I don't care about anyone's life, okay? I don't have anything interesting to say myself, so don't think I'm just saying everyone else is boring. Maybe I could give an interesting perspective on being a wheelchair user? Nah! What's there to say? I don't like stairs. Oh, and yes I liked to be called a 'wheelchair user' rather than handicapped, okay? Thanks! You know, I'm not even going to post this to YouTube anyway, so why am I still recording..."

"HEY HEY!" came a voice. His voice. Of course he would come in now. Of course her mum would let him up to her room AGAIN without asking Claire first. Of fucking course.

"Right, signing off now," said Claire, reaching for her webcam, but Johnny jumped in her way then looked at her with a delighted expression on his mad face.

"You're recording a blog without me! You said you never wanted to appear on camera!"

"Didn't stop you filming me without your consent..."

"My fans LOVE getting some Wheelchair Claire along with their regular does of Johnny! You should have told me about this! With me cameoing, your ratings will go THROUGH THE ROOF! ESPECIALLY if I whip my cock out!"

"I'm not posting the video, I was just being stupid..."

"Don't put yourself down! You're not stupid! I'll just post the video for you..." He reached for the keyboad.

"NO," said Claire, wanting to hit him again. "Don't you FUCKING get it? I don't want to be your comedy sidekick. I don't want to be associated with you! I want to be my own person! I thought for a minute I could explain who I am in this video...I probably wasn't even going to post it but...then you came in anyway like you always do..."

"Sorry I wasn't listening I just posted your video," said Johnny. Then he skipped out of her room. Claire stared at the screen for a moment. She looked over at Johnny's Youtube channel. All those subscribers. How had he done it?

How had Johnny Nose become the most popular YouTuber in the world?
 
It had been a year since Lisa and Christian's documentary on the homeless has airedon national tv. They had spoked to several interest characters they'd met on the streets, but the one the audience had connected with the most had been Johnny Nose. Well, maybe "connected with" isn't the right way to put it. They'd been amused by him. Intrigued. He was already slightly well known for having a breakdown on Big Brother the year before. Now he got even more attention. People searched for him on Twitter and were disappointed that he didn't have an account. Even though he was homeless. There was an audience for Johnny Nose...

Claire's mum had always been good to him and Johnny has always had no problem exploiting her good nature. Claire protested, of course, she didn't want Johnny Nose staying in her home. But her mum had told her it was just until Johnny found somewhere more permanent.

One day Claire had found Jonny using her computer. She braced herself for the worst. He would have found the Sleepy Hollow fanfic she had written. It had been good in its first season, damn it! She had nothing to be ashamed of...

But Johnny wasn't looking at her stuff. He was filming himself. That was the day he became a YouTuber.

Of course there had been no guarantee anyone would see his video. And for the first few days they hadn't. Then he remembered one of his old Big Brother housemates had a large number of followers on tumblr. Johnny created a Twitter account and contacted him. This housemate hadn't got on with Johnny in the house, and he'd probably been sick of getting questions about him. But he did share Johnny's youtube video with his followers. And that had been the beginning.

Johnny Nose went viral.

His video had been nothing really other than him ranting about the state of his life in typical Johnny Nose fashion. For his second video he filmed Claire without her consent and pretend he was going to push her in front of a car. Instead he'd ran in front of the car himself. It barely missed him.

He'd gotten a lot more popluar after that. He'd even started making money off of YouTube. People were recognising him on the street more and more often, and it seemed to be mainly from YouTube rather than his Big Brother or documentary appearances.

Johnny decided he needed an agent.
 
"A LOT OF PEOPLE, OR SHOULD I SAY SHEEPLE...sorry, people was correct. And I'm not going to shout for the entire video. That would hurt my throat. And I need my throat healthy for giving blow jobs! Yeah, some people are concerned about me, apparently? They say I have mental health problems? Just because I've uploaded three seperate videos where I throw myself in front of a car? It's political correctness gone mad! Even if I WAS mentally insane MEEP MEEP...even if I was mentally MEEP MEEP...sorry, can't stop meeping! Even if I was crazy, why should that mean I shouldn't be allowed to post awesome YouTube videos? That's treating me differently because I'm a mentalist, man! That's the opposite of PC! That's racist! The social justice wankers should be fight FOR me to stay on YouTube, not trying to get me removed! Anyway, I'm not really crazy. It's all a gimmick! I'm perfectly sane! Those three videos where I throw myself in front of cars? They were moving slowly! I've thrown myself in front of enough cars to know how to do it without hurting myself! Yeah I broke my fingers that one time, but people break their fingers all the time! I bet someone watching right now broke their fingers by sitting on them when I said that! THE BASTARD. Uhh...got a bit off track there. MEEP MEEP THE FUCKLEMEEPS. Yeah, okay, just let me be. I'm not harming anyone. Except my fingers. I don't need social justice or made PCs or any of that shit. Let me be and OH YEAH I NEED AN AGENT. I'm really famous now so I'm doing a competition where YOU, yes YOU, get to be my agent! Submit a video of yourself with the hastag #IwanttobetheagentofJohnnyNoseohmygodyouguysheissofuckingcool and I'll choose the best one to be my agent. And NO, I won't just automatically choose the best looking girl. Unless she's black. I love black chicks! So yeah this is a real thing that is happening, it really is, submit a video and I will masturbate to it and the winner gets to be my agent and I'll pay you 40% of everything I earn which is insane, really. Pretend I said 14%, actually! Seeya!"

Johnny could get away with submitting videos where all he did was talk now. He'd earned that good will. For now, anyway. He couldn't get away with it for much longer. The search for an agent could cover his next few videos. He could show clips of the craziest and ugliest people who took part. But after that...he'd have to do something crazy again. If he wanted to stay famous, he'd have to do something more than just throwing himself in front of cars and riding Claire's wheelchair down the stairs.

"Hey Claire, you got any ideas for crazy stunts?" he said, standing outside her bedroom. But she didn't answer. He wondered where she was. He went downstairs. Claire's mother was cleaning again. She did that a lot. Johnny wondered if she'd developed OCD as a result of having him as a house guest. He shrugged. "Where's Claire?" he asked her.

"She went out with a boy," said Claire's mum.

"WHAT!" said Johnny. "A boy who isn't me!? HOW DARE SHE!"

"Johnny, you don't have to impress me by talking like that. I'm not one of your internet fans."

"Oh. Sorry. But still. This boy was in a wheelchair too, right?"

"No."

"Huh...well...good for her. Anyway, I'm...going outside now. To buy some porn mags. Want any?"

"Please don't ruin Claire's date..."

"I won't! Where did she go, anyway?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Well I'll just hunt her down, then. ON CAMERA!"

And Johnny decided he had a story for his next video.
 
Johnny was walking with a purpose with his camera, looking for Claire. They weren't far fromthe beach. She'd probably be there. Where else was there to go? It was a small town and a small beach, really, but it was nice enough.

"EXCUSE ME," he said to an old man. "HAVE YOU SEEN A SLUT IN A WHEELCHAIR?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said the old man. Johnny loved it when they were confused.

"HAHAHAHA, YOU REMIND ME OF DEATH," he said, barging past. He'd gone into full Johnny Nose mode. He could feel it flowing through his blood. The insanity. It was driving him. It made him feel alive. Why had the idea of Claire having a boyfriend down that to him? He didn't know and he didn't really want to consider it...

He headed down the path to the beach. He turned a corner and said "AH HA! CAUGHT YOU!" But there was no one on the beach but a woman with a dog.

"Oh, it's you," said the woman. Johnny vaguely remembred shouting obscenities at her dog once. "The loony."

"YEAH, I'M KING OF THIS BEACH, IF IT WAS KOOPA BEACH FROM SUPER MARIO KART I'D HAVE THE FASTEST LAP TIME, SO FUCK YOU!" said Johnny. He turned and walked off, fast. Where else could Claire be? In a restaurant or something? Did normal people go there on dates? Maybe she'd be at Subway. He went to Subway. She wasn't in Subway and they refused his request to let him put his cock between two slices of bread.

"WHERE'S CLAIRE!" Johnny shouted at random people and then walked away fast before they could reply. He was getting tired from all the walking. It was quite far from the beach to Subway.

"Whit's your fucking problem, man?" asked a young man. So much younger than Johnny, yet not a child. Johnny tried not to think about his won age...

"Whit?" asked Johnny, mocking his accent. "I am the master of wit!"

"You're a piece of shit," said the boy. Johnny shrugged.

"Fair comeback," he said then turned and tried to run. But he was worn out. The boy grabbed hold of him.

"Why are you filming people, you pervert?" he asked.

"If I was a pervert I'd be standing outside the school filming!" said Johnny. "The highschool, that is. I'm not sick. Only girls aged fourteen and up!"

"Fourteen, whit the fuck!" said the boy.

"And up!" said Johnny. He wasn't sure why he was saying these things. He braced himself. He'd been beaten up before. He didn't like it but he knew what to expect. But the man/boy didn't hit him. He just shook his head.

"You're that cunt from the internet, aren't you," he said. "I heard you lived here. I only watched one of your videos and you had a hood on..."

"That's because I was trying to break into prison to save the handy strangler!" said Johnny. The handy strangler was a handyman who had strangled three women. He wasn't even in the prison Johnny had stood outside of shouting random things.

"You think just because you're on the internet you can go around talking shit to people? Saying perverted things about kids?"

"And up!" said Johnny. "Wokka wokka! It's all bants, innit!"

"No," said the boy. And he took Johnny's camera.

"What are you doing?" asked Johnny. Oddly this had never happened before. "Don't you..."

The boy threw the camera on the ground and stomped on it. Then he punched Johnny in the throat. Johnny realised the boy had been aiming for his face but didn't have much experience punching people so had hit the throat. It was worse than being hit in the face. Johnny found himself struggling to breath. The boy looked at him, thought about it, then turned and ran away. Johnny fell to the ground, panting. Then he heard a dog bark.

"Oh, great" said Johnny as the woman from the beach set her dog on him.
 
Johnny headed home. He didn't want Claire's mum to see him so he pulled his hood up and went sraight upstairs. He headed for his room. He wanted to curl up and not exist anymore. Then Claire came wheeling out in front of him.

"You were having your date here? HOW FUCKING IRONIC!" said Johnny. He didn't even feel like fucking with her, he just said it out of habit. And his throat hurt.

"What date?" she asked. "I was next door with Dave."

"Oh, your gay friend," said Johnny. "And I ran about town shouting at violent people for nothing. HOW IRONIC."

"What happened to your face..." she asked. Johnny dropped his hood and Claire gasped. "You're bleeding! Did something scratch you?"

"A dog bit me," he shrugged.

"You have to go to the hospital, get a rabies shot" she said, concerned. Why did she care if he had rabies or not?

"Nobody ever gets rabies. When was the last time you heard of someone having rabies? NEVER!"

"Because they get the vaccine after they're bit be a rabid dog! Johnny, I know you're crazy, but you don't want to die, do you?"

"Well..." Johnny coughed. It hurt to talk.

"And what happened to your voice? Is that...a bruise on your throat?"

"Yeah, I got punched in the throat by a thug, what's it to you? Happens all the time. You never been punched in the throat? Well, I guess it would be hard for someone to reach down that far..."

"I can hardly make out what you're saying."

"I'm going to bed. FUCK YOU." Johnny barged by her and into his room. He locked the door. He questioned the wisedome of Claire's mother letting him have a room with a lock on it. It had been the spare room, but why would that have a lock? He didn't care. He wanted to throw himself into bed right away, but he couldn't resist looking into the mirror...

He couldn't even bring himself to laugh at how bad he looked. There was the ridiculously large bruise on his throat, of course. His face was scratched and bitten. It was still bleeding a little. He was dirty from rolling around on the fucking ground. Dirt in his hair and everything. And his eyes. His fucking eyes. They looked so crazy. Had they always looked like that? He felt like headbutting the mirror. He'd done that years ago and it hadn't ended well He resisted the urge and tried to go to bed. But his computer was there too...

Of course it wasn't his computer, just as old one that had been in the room when he'd moved in. He'd used its webcam to upload his youtube videos. Then he'd gotten his own camera thanks to the money he'd made on Youtube. That was gone now. Nothing was really his. Nothing ever would be. He didn't belong.

He turned the webcam on.

"I'm not a real man," he said then stared into it for a full minute. Finally he turned it on and uploaded the sixty five second video to his channel.

Finally he managed to crawl into bed and curl up. He tried to make himself nothing. It actually worked. All his crazy thoughts were disappearing. They repelled him. He couldn't think them anymore. It hurt too much. Good. He wasn't Johnny Nose anymore, just a pathetic shell of a man...

He wasn't anything.

He went to sleep.
 
Johnny was often surprised to find himself waking up. He'd always go to sleep with the idea in his head that he was ceasing to exist. Perhaps it helped him in his belief that nothing really mattered. But every day he'd find himself pulled back into existence again. He lay in bed for a while. He got up. He was still dressed from the day before. He didn't feel the need to change. Oh, what was that...blood? Dried up blood on his pillow? Oh yeah. He'd had the shit beaten out of him again. That's why he hurt in the face.

He walked over to his computer. Usually he checked his Youtube channel for views. He looked at Twitter instead. He looked at the trending topics in the UK...#JohnnyNose was one of them. It had happened before, but why now? Oh yeah...he'd uploaded a video last night. But it had been nothing...right? He clicked on the hashtag and read some of the tweets.

@ICumInCats ... LOL JOHNNY NOSE FINALLY KILLED HIMSELF CUNT

@RagingTeenBoner ... Good! Hope Feminist Frequency is next so I can wank to it!

@ICumInCats ... LOL I'D RATHER WANK OVER JOHNNY'S DEAD BALLSACK THAN THAT SLUT

@ThePoliceAreHot ... wait did he really kills himself

@CaptainPants ... HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO CHAT TO YOU #JohnnyNose #JustinBieber

@BigBrother4Life ... I hated Johnny as a housemate but I feel sorry for him now. Hope he gets the help he needs.

@TITMOTHER ... HE NEEDS MY TITS ON HIS FACE

@RagingTeenBoner ... lol the only reason I ever watched his videos is because I hope he died in them

@SallyDraperRaper ... Same here dude just thinking about his death gets me hard

@LiberalDemoCat ... You're all sick I hope he's okay I'm reporting some of your tweets

@TITMOTHER ... REPORT MY TITS

@DEATHTOAMERICA ... Marty McFly arrives in 2015, finds Johnny Nose dead, celebrates

@TVwatcher38 ... "Great Scott, he did nothing with his life!"

@DEATHTOAMERICA ... THAT'S DOC BROWN NOT MARTY STOOPID!

@YoYo69 ... How did the rumour he died even start? I hope it's true otherwise my time has been wasted.

@HoleHumer ... I HOPE IT'S TRUE SO I CAN HUMP A HOLE

@StarWarsIsForFags ... I hate Star Wars and Johnny Nose

@789123 ... Remember that vidoe where he kicked a cat? He deserves to die for that. I don't care that the cat was dead.

@SarahPiano ... I hope Wheelchair Claire throws herself off a cliff!

@DiddyKongRaping ... RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE DEAD JOHNNY

@KingCrunch ... this hashtag is fucked up

@RagingTeenBoner ... like Johnny's dead asshole when I'm finished with it mmmm necro

They went on like this. Most wanted Johnny dead. Many so they could masturbate to it. Some showed concern. But the vast majority didn't care if Johnny was alive or dead.

Johnny smiled and started laughing. He'd just had a brilliant idea.
 
"I'm going to fake my death," he told Claire, a few hours later. He'd cleaned himself up now. It was easy when he felt motivated. When he was in a dark place sometimes he'd go for a week without washing. He just couldn't think about it, couldn't make himself do it. What was the fucking point? He was just going to die anyway. But when he had a reason to live, he could end up well presented. It turned out he didn't have rabies either. Or at least, he didn't think he did.

"Why do you want to fake your death?" asked Claire. Johnny had noticed that she'd skipped being surprised by the outrageous things he said. That her first reaction hadn't been to tell him she wouldn't help him. She was learning.

"It's the only way to escape this YouTube curse!" said Johnny.

"Oh, it's a course now, is it?" asked Claire. She knew not to trust a thing he said.

"I want to be famous, I'll admit that," said Johnny. "Or, at least, I used to think I did. I just wanted acceptance. To impact the world in some way. But this...it's gone on too long. There's too many expectations on me. I nearly got mauled by a dog yesterday because of this!"

"You're serious, aren't you," she said. "Or, at least, as serious as you get."

"Yes," he said. He was being serious. He just wasn't telling her everything. It was a way to lie convincingly. By not really lying at all!

"You can't fake your death," she said. "People will check...find out you're not really dead."

"I'd upload a final suicide video," said Johnny, ignoring her. "Then you'd have to put a fake obituary of me online. Because like you said, people would check."

"And you can't do this crazy scheme yourself?" she asked.

"It would be more convincing if the trail led back to you," he said. "People think you hate me. They wouldn't think you'd lie for me."

"I don't hate you...not all the time," she said. "But, Johnny, I know you. You'd miss it. You'd be back online a day later, checking what everyone's said. Then you'd post a video saying you were really alive."

She was getting close to the truth now. But he could still full her. "Look at this," he said. He pointed her to his computer. She looked at the tweets he'd left on screen and read one aloud.

"@PoopKnight FUCK JOHNNY NOSE I HOPE HE KILLS HIMSELF AND THEN A BEAR DIGS UP HIS BODY AND RAPES IT AND THEN SHITS ON HIM AND THEN ANOTHER BEAR WITH A SHIT FETISH RAPES HIM AGAIN."

"Do you think I want to keep reading things like that?" asked Johnny. He looked serious.

"I'll...I'll think about it," she said and left. Johnny smiled. Claire was a good person. She really did care aout him. He would exploit that. No he wouldn't just post a video the next day announcing he was still alive. It would be bigger than that. His return to life would happen on national tv.

He was going to invade the Big Brother house.
 
It turned out it really was quite easy to fake his death. On the internet, anyay. If he had been faking his death in real life, that would probably have been more difficult. But on the internet? He just needed to find a popular site that posted real obituaries and register Claire there. Then he let her write the announcement. It was more authentic that way. He watched her as she wrote it. He thought she was actually tearing up, as if he was really dead. After it was posted, he had her tweet a link to it. For realism, he didn't let her use his own Twitter account, as he had password protected his computer so there would be no way for her to tweet from his account. But some of his fans did follow her on twitter and began retweeting the link. A popular Big Brother fansite picked up on it. And then the weets began flooding in. They weren't quite as negative now that he was actually dead...

@BigBrotherBoy ... WTF RIP Johnny

@BrieMode69 ... OMG it can't be true! I was just watching one of his videos!

@RagingTeenBoner ... Yeah no one can die if you just watched one of his vidoes! JK LOL he's dead and I'm happy and hard about it.

@KatDEATHings ... Oh well he was a cunt anyway.

@JohnnyNoseHo ... nooooooooooooooooo I loved Johnny

@MisterTisGay ... I PITY THE FOOL who killed himself!

@UncleMansex ... RIP

@TheIncredibleRory ... I didn't like his YouTube videos but I always felt sorry for him on Big Brother. Sad news.

@RagingTeenBoner ... THE ONLY SAD PART IS THAT I DIDN'T GET TO WATCH HIM DIE!

They went on. About 50% were sympathetic. That was good. That was more than he'd been expecting.

And so Johnny began to case out the Big Brother house. His original vision had been to climb over the wall and jump into the garden. It had happened the other way around, after all. But it turned out it wasn't an easy wall to get to. There was a fence with razor wire over it all around the Big Brother compound. Security guards. Cameras. He wasn't getting in. And even if he did, what then? He'd be dragged out right away and they probably wouldn't even air it.

No, he had to invade a live eviction. That was how he'd do it. That was how he'd resurrect himself before the world. And he'd do it naked.

He stood in the crowd of Big Brother fans, his hoodie hiding his face, waiting for the eviction to be announced...
 
Johnny hadn't watched the current series of Big Brother much. He'd been too busy throwing himself in front of cars for YouTube. So he didn't really know who the girl who was evicted way or why she was crying, or why people had been booing and chanting "SLUT SLUT SLUT" before her eviction, but then cheered when they were actually face to face with her. Well, he could figure that part out: the people were too cowadly to boo a crying young woman to her face. Some did continue to boo her behidn her back though. One threw a tomato at her, but it sailed harmlessly over her head and the evicted housemate didn't even notice it. She stood close to Johnny for a moment, before she was dragged away for her interview. She was shaking bad. Johnny felt sorry for her. He felt sorry that soon nobody would remember her as his return to life was about to overshadow her eviction.

She was shoved through the Big Brother eye to the area where she would be evicted. Then they closed the eye. Johnny had forgotten they did that. But Sally, the show's host, would come out again at the end. That would be when Johnny would rush the stage.

He listened to Sarah (even her name was boring) speak about her time in the house. She was boring as fuck. How had Big Brother gone from great, iconic housemates like Johnny Nose to people like her? Apparently she'd had sex in the house. That explained the hatred. Poor girl. But still boring. When Sally brough up the guy she'd slept with was hiding something, Johnny shouted loudly "HE'S GAY!" He was supposed to be keeping a low profile, but he couldn't resist. He was Jonny The Fuck Nose after all. Sarah looked around shocked, as Johnny had shouted so loud that she had heard. He had no idea if the guy was gay (it seemed unlikely) but he enjoyed spreading chaos.

Then it was time. The eye opened again. Sally stepped through. Johnny had to do it now. He had Claire's phone with him, to film what he did, then he'd upload it online. He's stolen it, of course. He really should get a phone of his own, but the last few he'd had had been smashed by angry humans. He jumped up the side of the stage. Just scaled it like a monkey...then got kicked in the face by a security guard at the top. Oh. He should have checked for that, he thought to himself, as hs briefly lost consciousness. He thought Sally had turned her head slightly when he'd jumped up, but he couldn't be sure.

He woke up being dragged away by security.

"I'm Johnny The Fuck Nose," he whimpered.

"I don't know what that means," said the security guard as they tossed him out the gate.

He landed hard on the concrete and on Claire's phone, smashing it.
 
"I broke your phone," said Johnny when he got home.

"What?" asked Claire, who was texting somenoe on her phone. "Oh, that was my old phone. I left it lying in an obvious place in case you ever felt like stealing my phone and breaking it. You took longer than I thought you would."

"Sorry," he said and started to walk away.

"What's wrong?" she said. "You're acting weird. By your standards. Are those new bruises?"

"Why do you care," he said, not looking at her. He turned but looked righ through her. "Why do you fucking care?"

"I was just asking..."

"You could have just fucking said fucking nothing and let me go. You WANT me to talk to you. You WANT to be drawn into my craziness. You LOVE IT. DON'T YOU."

"No, Johnny, I really don't..."

"Bullshit. You always get all up in my business. Always stick your wheels in. Why? Is it because you're a fucking cripple with no life? Yeah, that must be it. You can't fucking walk, you'll never be normal, so the only thrill you get out of life is getting involved in my shit." He didn't think, he just said it. In all the years he'd known her he'd never gone as far as this. He knew instantly it was too much. But he didn't apologise. He just stood there.

Claire didn't speak at first. Johnny thought she was shaking. She took a oment to compose herself. "I have a great life, actually," she said. "I have lots of friends. Would it be nice to be able to walk? Of course it fucking would be. But I have my mind. I have a lot of things going for me that you'll never have and never understand. Why do I ask after you, why do I get involved in your shit? Because I worry that you'll kill yourself. It's always that, Johnny. You can spew all the vile crap you want, but that's the truth. I pity you. You're the cripple."

Now it was Johnny's turn to just stand here. Claire wheeled herself away without saying anything. Eventually he went to his bedroom.

He checked the computer, for some reason. He went to a BB forum. He knew his attempt at a comeback had been a failure, but he wanted to know if anyone had seen a hooded figure jump on stage.

He saw a thread title "Johnny Nose ALIVE!?"

He opened it. He read it.

He smiled for the first time in hours.
 
The posts in the thread.

JohnCenaFan: Okay, some people mentioned seeing someone rush on stage at the end of the show and try to jump Sally. You can see him getting kicked in the face by a security guard in the bottom right of the screen right at the end. But look at his face. It's hard to see, becuase of the hood. But I recognised him, guys. That was JOHNNY NOSE.

GiveUsAHug: Whaaaaaaaaat.

YoYoMeep: That's a sick ignorant thing to say Johnny is dead.

JohnCenaFan: Is he though? There are those of us who believe Johnny to be alive.

SkinOfWeasel: PREACH IT, BROTHER.

SallyIsLove: Oh shut up you TROLLS. Johnny is dead, let him rest in pace.

YoYoMeep: Exactly that was an obit and everything.

GirlsAreGood: But why were none of us invited to the funeral, huh!?

JohnCenaFan: I'm telling you guys, just look at this face. It's Johnny. He faked his death.

WiserAndOlder: If he had faked his death, why would he ruin it by showing his face on tv?

JohnCenaFan: Maybe this was his plan...run on stage and grab Sally to tell the world he lives.

WiserAndOlder: ...after a week? What would have been the point in faking his deaht?

JohnCenaFan: I don't know. BUT HE'S ALIVE, DAMN IT.

DrinkBlood: I hope he's dead I hated him.

Moderator: This thread is being closed forever.

JimGammaFan: You're not a real mod! You fool!

Moderator: One warning to JimGammaFan.

JimGammaFan: Oh, COME ON!

Moderator: Comments to pm.

PaedoFinderGeneral: I think Johnny is alive and probably a paedo.

JohnCenaFan: Guys I'm serious here.

Penelope: If Johnny isn't dead he should be arrested for playing with our emotions. I cried for minutes when I read that he died.

SCUMLAD: I WANKED FOR HOURS.

Moderator: One warning to SCUMLAD.

SCUMLAN: THAT'S WHAT YOUR MUM SAID WHEN I WANKED OVER HER.

Moderator: One warning for not making sense.

WillRikerDie: I hate this Nose shit.
 
"Johnny, I'd like to talk to you, please," said Claire's mother, through his bedroom door. Johnny was surprised. She hardly ever asked to talk to him. In the early days she'd tried to help him, tried to give him someone to talk to about his problems. He hadn't, of course.

"Uhh, yeah, just give me a minute," he said. "Just need to finish up!" He was implying that he was masturbating. With anyone else he would have just come out and said it, but he always treated Claire's mother with slightly more respect than he did anyone else. He wasn't really wanking anyone, just reading internet posts. There was a growing feeling that he'd faked his death. Johnny could work with that. He opened the door.

"I want you out of my house," she said, calmly. Johnny just stared at her. He'd not been expecting that.

"To...do some shopping?" he asked.

"I don't want you living here anymre. I'll let you stay until you find somewhere else, but I want you gone as soon as possible."

"Are...are you serious?"

"Yes, Johnny."

"And you're not going to tell me why?" BITCH, he thought to himself, but didn't add it.

"I heard what you said to Claire last night." She looked him right in the eyes as she said it. He shrugged.

"I've...I've said worse," he said.

"Maybe you have. But you said it to my daughter in my home. I can't let that pass. I want you out. You've been here for months. I've never asked you for anything. And now I want you out. As soon as possible." She was trying to control her anger.

"I...I was only joking," he tried. He hadn't been.

"I'm not going to debate this with you. I should have listened to Claire when she warned me not to let you stay this long. I should have listened."

"FUCK CLAIRE SHE'S A FUCKING AUTOSLUT," said Johnny. "I'LL KILL HER AND EAT YOU, COW."

"Is that supposed to impress me?" she sighed.

"Please, please...I'll kill myself if you kick me out."

"No you won't."

"I'll self harm."

"You do that anyway."

"I'm taking MY laptop with me," he said. It was hers.

"Fine, I haven't used it in years, it's full of malware anyway."

"I'll stay at MY HOT GIRLFRIEND'S PLACE. She's SEVENTEEN."

"Just...just fine somewhere. And...oh, there's no point, is there? There's no point tell you to get help."

"Nope! FUCK YOU, THANKS FOR NOTHING, I WANKED INTO YOUR BRAS ONCE, I PUT A BOMB IN CLAIRE'S CHAIR AND IT WILL BLOW UP AND KILL HER CRIPPLE ASS SOON, HAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THE IRISH."

She had already walked away.
 
Two months earlier, Johnny had met a fan on a street. DiddKong89 had told Johnny he was his biggest fan and that he'd watched all his videos and invited him back to his place to play video games. Johnny figured he actually wanted to have sex with him, but was fine with that. He had gone back, but it turned out DiddyKong89 really did just want to play video games and Johnny had snaked out after pretending he was going to use the bathroom. He still remembered where the fan lived...

"Hey, DiddyKong89!" he said, when he answered the door. "It's me, your hero, Johnny Nose!"

"Oh...hi," said DiddKong89, who looked surprised and tired. "I didn't expect to see you again after the last time..."

"I had to go pry Wheelchair Claire out from behind a vending machine," lied Johnny. "You know how it is with wheelchair freaks. But now she's kicked me out for not having sex with her and I'm going to live with you!"

"You're...what?"

"That's right, DiddyKong89..."

"My real name is Jamie."

"I'll never remember that! I'll just call you Diddy! You're my biggest fan, so it's AN HONOUR to have me staying here, right?"

"I mean...you can come in for an hour or two if you need time to make some calls and find somewhere else to stay..."

"Okay then! A week or two it is!" Johnny barged in. "How'd you afford this place anyway?"

"It was my parents..."

"Ah, they died and you took their home? Good move!"

"They moved..."

"Moved to Heaven! Hey, wait, aren't you surprised to see me alive?"

"What? Why would I be?"

"The world at large believe me dead!"

"It...it does?"

"Yeah! Come on! You must have read my obituary! If you're such a BIG FAN! It was all over Twitter!"

"Oh, I don't really check Twitter much...sorry..."

"And Big Brother forums!"

"I used to post on them but I've been busy. I subscribe to your youtube page but I think I'm a few videos behind..."

"Well, you should fucking be surprised to see me alive, cunt."

"Ummm...cunt?"

"Just some casual swearing between friends! BEST friends!"

"Look...I'm sorry you got kicked out, but I've got a girlfriend now and she'll be coming over later..."

"Oh, I GET IT, you have a girlfriend so you have no time for Johnny The Fuck Nose!"

"Well...yeah."

"And to think I was going to let you blow me the last time I came here!"

"What!? I wasn't going to blow you. I just thought you might want to play Mario Kart with me."

"I hate Mario Kart. FUCK ROSALINA." And Johnny punched James in the face and walked out. He grabbed his stuff, but James had run after him.

"I'm calling the police on you, you fucking nutter!" he said.

"You can't call the police on a dead man," said Johnny. "Fuck you." He punched James again, harder this time. He didn't really enjoy it. He wasn't a violent person. But he didn't know what kind of a person he was anymore. He took his stuff and walked off.

He realised he'd have to leave town.
 
Johnny was used to sleeping rough. He'd done it before. He could do it again...but he realised he didn't have to. He had money. That was unusual. His YouTube account had actaully put some money in the bank. Not a lot, but enough that he could stay in a hotel until he thought of something. So he checked in to a cheap hotal out of town (were the police looking for her for murdering DiddyKong89? He didn't know!) under a fake name (John Nasal) and sat alone in his room.

He didn't like it much. It was so quiet. He felt alone...with his thoughts. He didn't like that. He knew he could go online with the hotel's free wifi. But...he didn't want to do that either. Was it that he didn't want to face what people were saying about him? Or had the encounter with DiddyKong89 left him feeling small and pathetic regarding his internet life? What was he even doing online anymore anyway? He'd "faked" his "death" but people were probably already forgetting about it, or didn't even know in the first place. He'd managed one cameo on tv since then. It wasn't enough. He needed to be on tv again, to get people talking. It was all he had. It was his reason to live.

He stared at the hotel wall for a while.

It was not a good wall.

Finally he opened his laptop. He'd check his emails he thought, laughing to himself. A few weeks ago he'd emailed Christian and had heard nothing back. He asked about doing a follow up documentary. Now he realised Christian and Lisa would never do that. She hated him, for one thing. And...was Johnny Nose really worth a documentary?

The self-loathing continued to wash over him, taking away all his motivation, wiping his personality away. He was so small. Just a lump of grey matter in a skull. What would even happen if he died?

There was a new email from Christian? Johnny laughed out loud this time.

"Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, Johnny. Got a tweet from someone saying you'd died, so I hope this email finds you well. Also heard from someone else you tried to break into the Big Brother house and got beaten up or something? Hope you're doing okay. Lisa and I are concentrating on other areas at the moment, so we don't have an opening to feature you. Please get back to me and let me know you're okay."

Johnny closed his laptop right away. He'd never get back to Christian. Never. He had nothing. There was nothing.

He started to trash the hotel room.
 
Johnny didn't really trash the hotel room. He'd started to, yeah, but he'd stopped after being unable to pull his sheets off his bed. Why were they always tucked in so tight? He hated that. That took him out of the moment. He didn't want to trash the hotel room anymore. Besides, he'd have to stay in it for a while, potentially. Possibly until the money ran out.

But what did people do in a hotel room anyway? Masturbate? It was all he could think of. He used to do it a lot, when he was young and horny. Now? His head was all over the place. He didn't even know what he liked anymore. He found it hard to think of other people as real sometimes. Like they were all just characters in the Johnny Nose story. How could he masturbate over them?

That didn't stop him for Google Image Searching "Alison Brie breasts" though.

But Johnny got bored quickly, like he always did. Masturbating calmed him down for a few minutes, but then he didn't want to feel calm and jumped up again. He felt like trashing his hotel room. He couldn't remember why he hadn't before. He sighed.

He'd had a plan. Get on tv again, reveal to the world that he was alive. But how? There was only one way it could work, now that Christian had turned him down. Big Brother. Yet again. The final was coming soon. He had to be there. He had to relaunch his career. Then he could return to YouTube. Because he couldn't just start making videos again now. That would be lke admitting defeat. He needed one big stunt first.

Maybe if he ran on stage naked?

Maybe if he murdered the winner of the series? No, that would get him arrested.

"Silly Johnny, murder is illegal!" he said, then laughed to himself. "Don't start talking to yourself, you'll go mad. Hahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He google image searched "NAKED GAY SEXY MEN" and began to masturbate.
 
Johnny had thought of something. He felt proud of himself. A couple of months ago, near the start of this series of Big Brother, the brother of one of the housemates had contacted him. He was the younger brother of a female housemate and he was a big fan of Johnny Nose. Johnny had resisted the urge to comment on how much he wanted to have sex with the boy's sister (she was quite attractive) and had actually struck up something of an internet friendship with him. For about two weeks anyway, before he'd gotten bored. But he stlll had the boy's email and his sister had made it to the final of the series. She wasn't expected to win (attractive girls rarely were) but her friends and family would get tickets to the final. So her brother would probably be there. That could be a way for Johnny to be there.

"Hey, DUDE! I'm NOT DEAD! It was all a big mistake. Wheelchair Claire was drunk or something. I want to set the record straight at the Big Brother final. Don't worry, I won't disrupt it and ruin your sister's moment (I hope she wins!) I just want to be there so I can talk to the producers and they can run a message on screen telling the world I'm alive. But they won't listen to me at the moment because they think I'm dead! So what I need is for you to get me in with one of the free tickets you'll have. I know you can do it! I've missed talking to you online! We can pick that up again after the final. Hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend,
Johnny The Fuck Nose"

It had been a restrained email for Johnny, and one full of lies. He waited. He hated being in the hotel room. And yet he never left. He still had paranoid thoughts that the police were after him for punching DiddyKong89. Or did he just not want to face the world again? Probably that.

He wondered how he'd managed to wank over so much gay porn and yet now felt no gayness inside him at all. Maybe he'd wanked it out.

He watched tv. The nightly Big Brother highlights show was on. His friend's sister, Charlize, was there. She was making fun of the fat housemate for eating too much. She was going to get booed so badly when she was evicted. Sure was hot though. Hotter than gay porn...

When Johnny was done thinking about Charlize, he checked his email. Her brother had replied.

"Wow, I knew it! I knew you weren't dead! Even before you got kicked off stage (that was you, right!?) a few weeks ago, I knew you were still alive. You should have told me, man, I could have helped you out. OF COURSE I'll give you a ticket! We've got loads to spare, some of Charlize's friends don't want to go because they think she's going to be so hated lol. Her own fault for being so bitchy. Guess I'll have to cheer her anyway! She hasn't been as good a houemate as you! I'll get you in and then you can do your magic!"

They arranged a place and time to meet. Of course it would mean Johnny would have to travel all the way to the Big Brother house again. It would mean leaving his hotel room, showing his face in public. Facing real people. But it was still a few days away. Plenty more wanks before that. And he had a purpose now. He wasn't going to fuck up like last time. He'd be there, with the friends and families of the housemates, right there in the studio. There would be no stopping him.
 
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