Johnny Nose's Detective Agency

[CaptainWacky]

"Man gets to a certain age, he feels like he wants to do something with is life, you know?" said Johnny.

"UUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH I'M GONNA PUKE," said the drunk guy he'd been spending time with lately.

"I like you, kid," said Johnny (the drunk guy was at least 30 years older than him.) "You've got moxy! Want to be my assistant?"

"Wwwwwhat?" asked the drunk.

"Haven't you been listening to a word I've said?" asked Johnny.

"No, I've had my iPod on...and I've been sick...UUUURRRRRGGGGHHHH!"

"Damn it, man! That's exactly what I'm talking about!"

"What?"

"That iPod is stolen!"

"Well, yeah, of course it is. You distracted the girl while I nicked it from her handbag, remember?"

"That's not the point, nimmy!" said Johnny, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

"Nimmy?"

"It's a word I say sometimes, ignore it! Nimmy!"

"Then what ist he point?"

"The point is that a man reaches a certain age and he wants to do something with his life! I'm homeless now, you see. Have been for months. And one thing I've noticed is that these streets...these are DIRTY steets!"

"Urrggh, don't I know it. I slept on a pillow of used condoms last night."

"That's not what I mean! And eww! I mean the crinimal element!"

"That's us again."

"Petty iPod theft isn't what I mean! I'm talking about real crimes! People go missing on these streets all the time and no on investigates it! I think organised crime might be responsible! I'm going to clean these streets up!"

"By opening a detective agency?"

"Ah, so you were listening! Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I've made a sign and everything." And Johnny brought out his sign, a piece of cardboard with "DETECTIVE AGONCY" written on it.

"Agoncy?"

"The agony of being homeless and unloved!"

"I love you...hic!"

"That's, umm, sweet. You're a homo, right?"

"When I'm drunk I am!"

"And you're drunk right now?"

"Hic!"

"Riiight. I'm flattered, maybe even a little tempted, maybe even a little hard...but no, I don't swing that way. Nimmy!"

"Whatever."

"We just have to wait for the cases to come in, Watson."

"My name's...well, I can't remember. Starts with a P..."

"You are the Watson to my Homes, my young friend. And the name remind me of Emma Watson! I went to see Order of the Thingy, you know, but they kicked me out an hour in because I didn't have a ticket. Fascists! Still, I enjoyed it. I shouted 'WANK!' everytime Emma Watson was on screen."

"I don't even know who that is."

"Of course you don't, you're addled! Stick with me and I'll scrub out your brain dirt, just like I'm going to scrub these streets clean with some serious detecting!"

"Urr..."

Johnny held his 'DETECTIVE AGONCY' sign proudly over his head for close to an hour. Nobody talked to him.

"Maybe we should hit the streets, Watson," said Johnny.

"Maybe we should hit the sluts...uhhh...."

"Yes, quite. Nimmy! I know! We'll go see Crackhead Pete. He's always running from crinimals! Usually after he's rippped them off and spent the money on crack."

"I like him...he knows my name..."

"Your name is Watson and it always will be. NOW GET UP!" Johnny kicked Watson in the ribs three times before he got up. They headed towards Crackhead Pete's usual hiding place behind a skip behind the pub. But Crackhead Pete wasn't there!

"Where could he be, Watson? WHERE! This could be our first case! OUR FIRST CASE!"

"I know where Pete is!" said a bag-lady who was fishing around in the skip.

"SPIT IT OUT, LADY!" said Johnny. She spat some corn out her mouth. "Eww. No, I meant tell us where Pete is!"

"He's dead!"

"THEN WE HAVE OUR FIRST CASE!" said Johnny, excited, taking Watson by the arm and dragging him away.

"Umm, he died of a drug overdose," the baglady shouted, but Johnny was out of hearing range.

"This is it, our big break! We can crack the corrupt streets RIGHT OPEN if we find out who offed Crackhead Pete! We'll be millionaires! We'll have all the girls we can eat!"

"I like boys," said Watson.

"We'll have all the boys you can beat!" said Johnny.

"Yay!" said Watson.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Cassie]

Johnny Nose strikes again! Nimmy.

 

[curiousa2z]

<Urrggh, don't I know it. I slept on a pillow of used condoms last night.">



GRITTY REALISM.

 

[CaptainWacky]

IT'S BLEAK BUT IT'S LIFE

 

[CaptainWacky]

Johnny Nose and Watson went into the pub behind which Crackhead Pete used to live (if you could call it living!)

"NOBODY MOVE!" said Johnny as the doors swung open. "This is detective Johnny Nose of the Yard and you're all wanted for questioning!"

"The bar's empty, Johnny," said Watson, helping himself to some cigarette butts. Only the barman was there, standing behind the bar looking very unimpressed and also very tall.

"Ah, yes, so it is...where are all your customers, hmm? DID YOU AXE MURDER THEM? YOU RATBASTARD, PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE EATEN!"

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you talking about?" asked the barman.

"DETECTIVE JOHNNY NOSE OF THE YARD, PERP!"

"Right..." the Barman reached under the bar and pulled out a shotgun. "Fuck off, Detective Johnny Nose of the Yard, or I'll blow your brains out."

"But I like my brains where they are..." said Johnny, worried.

"Listen, we don't want any trouble," said Watson, helping himself to some chewing gum he had scraped out from under a table. "We're hear because our friend Crackhead Pete was murderered!"

"Yeah!" said Johnny.

"Buy something of get out," said the Barman.

"I'll have a pint of wine, then," said Johnny. "Nimmy!"

"I'll have a pint of Nimmy wine too," said Watson.

"Wine doesn't come in pints and I don't know what Nimmy is..."

"Well, what DOSE come in pints and what DO you know what it is?" asked Johnny, impatient.

"Beer," said the Barman.

"Beer it is, my good HUMAN MALE!" said Johnny.

"Hic," said Watson, already quite drunk.

"Why do you talk like that?" asked the Barman, pouring the pints.

"I'm eccentric!" said Johnny.

"Does that mean retarded?" asked the Barman.

"Some say so," said Johnny. "I usually tweak their nose and run away when they do."

"I had a son was retarded," said the Barman, nostalgically. "His mother left me for a frenchman and took him to France with her. Never saw the little tard again. Sometimes I miss him. He used to hump my leg and drool. Made me laugh."

"Which Frenchman?" asked Johnny, excited. "This could be the break we're waiting for!"

"His name was Pierre and he sold spoons," said the Barman.

"Oh, fuck that then," said Johnny, dejected.

"Why are you pretending to be a detective?"

"I am one! And Watson is a Watson, aren't you, Watson?"

"Hic!" said Watson, on his third pint already.

"But you're really not," said the Barman.

"I'm trying to find out who killed Crackhead Pete, damn it!" said Johnny.

"Hmm, there was a crackhead used to hang around my bins. Sometimes I'd take shots at him with the shotgun, just for practice. But he was quite quick, never hit him. Did shoot some other homeless the other day though. Three, in fact! Blew their brains out. Haha. Police never do anything!"

"Johnny..." said Watson. But Johnny waved him off then whispered to Watson.

"Play it cool. Pretend we're not homeless and he won't shoot us. We'll phone the cops later, get this noghead arrested."

"Umm, I can hear you," said the Barman. "You're whispering quite loud. Don't worry, I won't kill ya just for bein' homeless. You have to be fucking about with my bins for me to kill ya."

"So you're sure you didn't kill crackhead Pete?"

"Nah, all the ones I killed were Irish," said the Barman. "Crackhead Pete was welsh!"

"WAIT! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT!?" asked Johnny.

"Oh, he was my son," said the Barman. "My other son. The retard, crackhead Pete and Elephant Boy are my sons."

"Oh," said Johnny. "So, if he was your son, why didn't you let him live in here, out of the cold?"

"BECAUSE I HATED THE BASTARD! NOW BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY! I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE HANGING AROUND IN MY BAR, DRINKING!"

"That's what a bar's for!" protested Watson.

"Yeah, well not mine! I SHOOT anyone who stays here too long! That's why I ain't got no customers! NOW GO ON, GET OUT OF IT! YOU SLAAAAAGS!"

"Sometimes discretion is the better part of valour, Watson," said Johnny, taking his assistant by the arm and leading him out the bar.

"Well, on the bright side, we never paid for those beers," said Watson.

"Yes, nimmy, that's true, but we're no closer to finding out who killed Crackhead Pete and bringing this whole corrupt rotting city to justice!"

"I might have some information for you," said a voice. Johnny and Watson span round.

Tony Blair was standing before them.

"YOU!" said Johnny.

"That's right, it's me! TONY BLAIR! Not the ex Prime Minister, of course, that would be stupid. BUT A BLACK GUY WHOSE NAME IS ALSO TONY BLAIR!" he said. Then he and Johnny started tongue kissing.

"Uhh...what the fuck?" said Watson. "I thought I was the only gay one here!"

"We're not gay!" said Johnny, annoyed. "We communicate through tongue kissing." He saluted Tony Blair, who walked away, smiling.

"Oh," said Watson, as if that made perfect sense. "What did he say?"

"He said he saw Crackhead Pete last week...stealing some videos his gran!"

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Cassie]

lol, I wonder if you have to be in a secret society to learn tongue communication.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Stealing some videos from his gran? That sounds like Pete," said Watson. "Could this be a clue?"

"THE BIGGEST CLUE IN THE WORLD!" said Johnny, excited. He took his right show off and hit himself over the head with it.

"What are you doing?" asked Watson.

"Trying to calm myself down, shimminy-shoe!" said Johnny, now taking a bit out of the shoe. "MMM!"

"Uhh..."

"Right, well...I'm calm, I'm calm. NIMMY HIMMY, PEROID PAINS! No, I'm calm. Let's go to Pete's house and see if we can find the videos."

"He doesn't have a house, remember? He lived behind the skip behind this pub."

"Ah, so we're close! TALLY-HO!"

They walked around the back of the pub...only to see the Barman rummaging around in the bins and pulling out some video tapes.

"Video tapes! I knew it!" said Johnny.

"Urgh, we better stay away, he might shoot us," said Watson.

"Excuse me!" said Johnny, ignoring Watson and heading over to the Barman. "Might I ask what those tapes are?"

"You again!" said the Barman. "I'D SHOOT YOUR FACE OFF...but my gun is in the bar. These are some tapes my son stole from Tony Blair's gran. They are, let's see, Red Dwarf series three, it says on this one, Star Trek The Next Generation season 4 on this one...and this one...and this...yep. Does that help?"

"I'm sure it will!" said Johnny.

"THEN GET OFF MY LAND!" said the Barman, kicking at Johnny's shins. He and Watson ran away.

"So how does this help?" asked Watson.

"We now know Pete liked Red Dwarf and TNG!" said Johnny, excited.

"So?"

"So that means he probably spent a lot of time...at the RED DWARF AND TNG SOCIETY SECRET MEETING PLACE!"

"Oh. Where's that?"

"Well, if my calculations are correct, it should be through this door!" said Johnny, opening the first door they came to, the door of an old abandoned building.

"Are you sure?" asked Watson.

"YES," said Johnny, charging in. "Uh oh," he said, a moment later.

"What? Oh," said Watson, as he went in too.

There was a sumo wrestler eating some turkey inside.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" asked the Sumo Wrestler. "I'M TRYING TO EAT TURKEY HERE!"

"We want to discuss Red Dwarf and Star Trek TNG!" said Johnny.

"The next meeting's on Tuesday," said the Sumo Wrestler.

"Well, in that case, we want to know who killed Crackhead Pete!"

"Oh, I know the answer to that," said the Sumo Wrestler.

"Really?" asked Watson, surprised.

"WHO, MAN, WHO?" asked Johnny.

"That's easy," said the Sumo Wrestler. "You did."

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[Cassie]

TWISTY!

 

[CaptainWacky]

There will, of course, be a shock ending.

 

[Mentalist]

Great!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Me? Me? But that's unpossible! The only person I've ever killed was Hitler!" said Johnny.

"Really?" asked Watson, yawning.

"I had a dream I did," said Johnny.

"Dreams, yes, hmm, GOLLUM GOLLUM," said the Sumo Wrestler. "Dreams, yes, funny you should say dreamses, yes..."

"Speak sense, man, nimmy!" said Johnny.

"It was you, Johnny Nose. You filled Crackhead Pete's head up with ideas," said the Sumo Wrestler, finishing up his turkey. "IT WAS YOU."

"Ideas? Ideas don't kill people!" said Johnny, confused.

"Ideas have power! Ideas can be dangerous in the wrong head. Crackhead Pete, dear Crackhead Pete, he wasn't much of a thinker. He liked crack, oh by Jimmy he liked crack, he'd munch down the crack like Coco Pops! He liked crack because it kept the wolf from the door! Kept him from having to think! Kept everything all cracked out. Yeah, he was happy on crack, but you, YOU, YOU YOU FUCKING ARAB, you took it away from him!"

"I don't...I don't...nimmy?"

"He heard you, yes, heard you he did! Heard you talking to Watson here, yes, GOLLUM GOLLUM, heard you telling him that you could have a better life. That the homeless could be more than just scum they really are."

"They can!"

"THEY CAN'T! You are nothing! You're exactly where you should be, sleeping in the sewer! You should never get ideas above your station! Crackhead Pete did. He started atteding these meetings. At first, he woudln't say anything, and that was fine, that was how we liked him. He had nothing worth saying anyway in his crack-addled head. But one day, ONE TERRIBLE DAY, he stood up, yes, he stood up. And he spoke! He said Red Dwarf sucked! He said Star Trek: TNG was 'for fags!' And it was you, YOU, Johnny Nose, who gave him the courage to voice those opinions!"

"But that still doesn't explain how he died!"

"Yes it does! His WRONG opinions sickened me so I SHOT HIM! WITH THIS GUN!" And the Sumo Wrestler pulled out a gun.

"Oh shit, he's got a gun," said Watson.

"Thasss right!" said the Sumo Wrestler, suddenly talking in a southern accent. "Ya'll in fer it now!"

"You'd kill us? But why?" asked Johnny, stunned.

"Why? WHY? WHY?? MWAHAHAHAHA! Because you made me think! You made me question my deep-seated beliefs! You made me think about the status quo! YOU CHALLENGED ME! Through your actions! You drove me mad! MAD! I even considered burning my Red Dwarf tapes! YOU BASTARD!"

"But there's nothing wrong with being challenged! I'm challenged every moment of my life! My very existence is challenged! People think I lie whenever I speak, that I'm acting up, but the truth is, I'm toning myself down! I try to act normal but I can't, and people can tell it's a lie and they shun me. But this is me, this is what I am...I'm crazy. I can never be myself because they'd lock me up...they did lock me up. And I can't act like everyone else because I'm not like everyone else. So what do I do? Should I just kill myself? Sometimes that's how I feel, like I should just remove myself because I'm not meant to be here, I don't fit anywhere. And no one understands, how can they? They've all got problems of their own. I'm alone, in the dark, writhing around, striking out at nothing. And I'm scared. So scared that this is all I'm ever going to be and I was born in the wrong...reality. I try my best. I try to be..."

"OH SHUT UP!" said the Sumo Wrestler. "NO ONE GIVES A PUFF DADDY! JUST DIE HAHAHA!"

"I care," said Watson, suddenly. "I care, Johnny."

"Thank you, Watson," said Johnny. "Nimmy."

"AWW, HOW MOTHER-FUCKING TOUCHING, YOU TWO THINKERS CAN DIE IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS, HAHAHA, THEN I WON'T HAVE TO THINK, I'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH RED DWARF IN PEACE, HAHAHA, BOYS FROM THE DWARF FOR LIFE!"

"THIS IS THE POLICE, PUT DOWN YOUR GUN!" said an armed Policeman who'd just entered the building.

"Foiled again!" said the Sumo Wrestler, turning the gun towards his own head.

"NOOO!" said Johnny, lunging forward, but it was too late. The Sumo Wrestler blew his own brains out.

"There, there," said Watson, patting Johnny on the back.

"It's over, son," said the policeman. "It's all over. You can wake up now."

"Huh?" said Johnny.

"YOU CAN WAKE UP!" said Watson, kicking Johnny in the ear.

Johnny woke up with a start. He was lying on the hard pavement where he'd been sleeping recently. Watson was standing over him.

"WAKE UP, YA BASTARD!" said Watson. "I need some fucking money. GIVE US SOME."

"Watson? What's...what's wrong?" asked Johnny. "Where did the Sumo Wrestler go?"

"What the FUCK are you talking about, you weirdo? Watson? Sumo Wrestler? My name is Drunk Dave and I fuck fuckers like you up if they don't give me dosh!"

"But...but..."

"Haha, you weren't having one of your dreams again? Poor wee git!"

"Dreams?" Then someone walked up behind Watson, or Drunk Dave or whoever he was. It couldn't have been him...but it was. It was Crackhead Pete.

"Alrite!" said Pete. "This wee bastard give you any money?"

"Pete!" said Johnny. "But you're dead!"

"Ya better not be threatening me, yah bawbag!" said Pete.

"Threatening? No...you were...it couldn't have been a dream! We were...we were all friends! Best friends!"

Drunk Dave and Crackhead Pete looked at each other for a moment then both burst out laughing.

"Us, friends with you, ya wee shite? You're lucky we let you sleep here!" said Drunk Dave. "We wouldnae even do that if you hadn't stolen money from that shop the other day!"

"Laura's shop...you made me go back and steal from the till..." said Johnny, the details of his horrible life suddenly flashing back. It had been a dream, all of it.

"Aye man, another girl who turned you down, haha!" said Drunk Dave.

"Now hurry the fuck up with the money, I need some fucking crack to get me through the day!" said Crackhead Pete, kicking Johnny hard in the ribs. Johnny eventually handed them some money.

"About fucking time!" said Drunk Dave. "You better not go anywhere or else we'll tell the police what you did! Come on, Pete!"

"We could just kill the wee fucker, nobody would care!" said Pete.

"True," said Drunk Dave. "But then we wouldn't be able to make him steal from anymore of his friends! Haha!"

They walked away, leaving Johnny on the ground, in pain. Physical pain and emotional too. Watson had never been. He had no friends. He was being used, abused. That's all he ever would be.

"Nimmy," he said, sadly. "Nimmy."

 

[Cassie]

aww.. nimmy, nimmy.

 

[CaptainWacky]

You see that is how Johnny Nose wants the world to be, but reality is very different.

 

[Cassie]

Reality bites!

 

[CaptainWacky]

BRAINSSSSSSSSS