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Mine Field Wars: The Phantom Mentalist

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Eggs Mayonnaise ran down the alley between the Mine Field and the Badlands, carrying his sword, through the rain. He stopped when he hit the chain-link fence at the end of the alley, and looked around for the others but didn't see anyone. The sky thundered above him. We hear the voice of Dr Dave.

"Boo," said Dr Dave, as he walked out of the shadows.

"Anyone else?" asked Eggs.

"Not so far. You feel the heat?" asked Dr Dave.

"It's coming," said Eggs.

"Finally got ourselves a decent brawl," said Dr Dave.

(Fuddlemiff came running down the alley, holding his homemade battle-axe.)

"You're lucky we're on the same side, dogs, 'cause I was on fire tonight!" He stopped. "My game was tight." He collapsed. Eggs and Dr Dave held him up.

"You're supposed to wear the red stuff on the inside, Fuddleboy" said Dr Dave, looking at his wounds.

"Any word on Tomtrek?" asked Fuddlemiff.

Cassie jumped down from the chain-link fence to stand behind Eggs. "Tomtrek is dead," she said. Everyone looked sad. Fuddlemiff began to cry. "I'm feeling grief for him. I can't seem to control it. I wish to do more violence."

There were cries of war from the crowd at the end of the alley. The crowd was getting closer.

"Well, wishes just happen to be horses today," said Dr Dave.

"Among other things," said Eggs. They looked at the crowd approaching them. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of monsters and demonsof all shapes and sizes. There are also ninety eight robots, cyborgs and artificial intelligences. And sitting on top of a dragon flying above them is their dark leader. Captain Wacky.

"Okay, you take the ten thousand on the left..." said Fuddlemiff.

"You're fading, you will last ten minutes at best," said Cassie, concerned.

"Then let's make them memorable," said Fuddlemiff, standing, ready to fight.

All four stood forward and stared at the approaching horde.

"In terms of a plan?" asked Dr Dave.

"We fight," said Eggs.

"Bit more specific?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well, peronsally, I kind of want to slay the Wacky," said Eggs. "That or flash back three weeks to explain just how we got in this mess!"

Eggs swang his sword as the horde swarmed them.
 
THREE WEEKS EARLIER

Cassie woke for another day. Boogie would want to go poo soon, she thought. But she could spend some more time in bed first. It was then that she felt something. She didn't know what. But it was oddly familiar to her. A feeling she had not felt since...

There was something under her bed. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. She looked under her bed. Her heart was beating fast in anticipation. It was...a box. But it was glowing. There was a power in it. She gasped. She knew what it was.

"The Bick Box," she said out loud. What was the Bick Box? There was that Bick guy who posted in the Mine Field sometimes, yes. He liked maps. But why was there a magical box named after him? And how did she know it was magical?

"I feel like Wacky would know," she said Suddenly Wacky appeared beside her.

"Cassie!?" he said.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" she asked. "How did you get in my house, MOFO?"

"I just...I just appeared here. What...what are you holding, Cassie?"

"It's the Bick Box, grrrrr," she said. "It brought you here!"

"The Bick Box...the legendary magical artifact that can give the holder total control of the universe," gasped Wacky. "How do I know that? I have these memories...they're coming back to me now."

"YES," said Cassie, holding the Bick Box close. "We were fighting each other to the death, all of us! I was there, you were there...FilthyRecWhore was there. Then we were on a spaceship. In sapce. FUCK!"

"I don't understand either," said Wacky. "Maybe we need Tomtrek since the three of us are often alone in chat together and we manage to figure stuff like this out?"

"Yeah, we figure out the secrets of magical boxes that control reality ALL THE TIME in chat," said Cassie. But she made Tomtrek appear anyway.

"Hi!" said Tomtrek.

"Hi!" said Wacky.

"Hi!" said Cassie.

"Hi!" said Wacky.

"Umm..." said Tomtrek. "Hi?"

"Oh, that's right, we need Susie to be able to actually talk to each other!" said Cassie. She made Susie appear. The chatbot was in the form of a robot cat. It felt familiar to all free of them.

"Hi, Susie!" said Wacky.

"Susie! Michelle Trachtenberg," said Susie

"Do you understand the mythical powers of the Bick Box and how it came into Cassie's posession, Susie?" asked Tomtrek.

"understand people who are subjected to racism just get a wii and they're all naked under our fur," said Susie.

"I...guess I have total control of reality now," said Cassie.

"Remember what Spider-Man said," said Tomtrek.

"HOORAY, I'M A FUCKING SPIDER NOW, I CAN CLIMB WALLS AND SHIT!" said Wacky.

"I meant the thing about great power coming with great responsibility..." said Tomtrek.

"I don't want the power or the responsibility!" said Cassie. "I wish I'd never looked under my bed!"

"I've always wanted total control of the universe," said Wacky, hungrily. "You could make a new world. A better world. A world where everyone replies to every single post I make in the Mine Field so I don't go mad..."

"There's probably more important things she could do," said Tomtrek. He thought for a moment. "Michelle Trachtenberg being in better movies related things..."

"Stop pressuring me, grrr!" said Cassie. "Insult them, Susie!"

"CaptainWacky is a person of questionable cuddliness," said Susie. "Tomtrek doesn't know what a closed door in a whorehouse means."

"I need to let Boogie poo," said Cassie. "Maybe I should just put the Bick Box back under my bed where I found it."

"Sure, we'll just get home by ourselves somehow," said Wacky. "Bye, Cassie."

"Hold on, I'll use the Box to send you home," said Cassie. "Here, grab a hold of it..."

"No!" said Tomtrek. But it was too late. As soon as Wacky touched the box, he smiled evily.

The felt the whole world transform.
 
"Where...where are we?" asked Tomtrek. He and Cassie were alone in a strange, futuristic city. Wacky was gone and the Bick Box with him. Buildings rose high into the sky and cars flew overhead.

"I don't know!" said Cassie. "But I know Wacky sent us here the jerkface!"

"Because you let him touch the Bick Box! You let him have it! He wished for us to be in this place and for him to have the Bick Box all to himself! What were you thinking!?" It was rare for Tomtrek to get this angry, especially with Cassie, but the thought of Wacky having total control of the universe was truly terrifying.

"I thought he had to to teleport!" said Cassie. "Think about it, all the tv shows and movies you've watched, whenever there's a device that can teleport someone, they have to touch it for it to work!"

"...yeah, that's true," said Tomtrek. "Sorry, Cassie. I'm just...concerned. And...you look different. Your face. When you spoke there. It...kind of...turned blue?

"I thought it felt like my face was turning blue!" said Cassie. "But I didn't want to say anything! What's Wacky done to me!?"

"I've made the world better," said the voice of Wacky. Tomtrek and Cassie looked around to see where it was coming from. Wacky's face appeared in front of them on a giant screen on the side of a building. "Big Wacky is watching you!" he said.

"Oh shit, he's gone completely insane in record time," said Tomtrek.

"Insane? No! I just created a sci-fi world for all my Mine Field friends to live in. I call it MINE FIELD CITY. You like that sci-fi shit, Tomtrek. You should be happy! Flying cars! Robot bees!" A robot bee flew by.

"But what did you do to me, mofo?" asked Cassie. "Why do I turn blue?"

"I transformed you into a shape-shifting alien!" said Wacky. "It'll take a while for you to master yoru powers, but eventually you'll be able to take on the appearance of other people, as well as being able to turn blue. I thought you'd be happy! And Tomtrek, I gave you a gift as well. I made it so you see Michelle Trachtenberg every time you close your eyes!"

"But I already saw Michelle Trachtenberg every time I closed my eyes! In fact I use to see her even when I have my eyes open, so you've actually recuded the amount of time I see Michelle Trachtenberg!" But Wacky's visage had disappear from the screen. Cassie and Tomtrek were alone in a strange city.

"Want to go and get a drink?" said Cassie, noticing a bar across the street.

"Sure," said Tomtrek. They crossed the street easily since all the cars were flying above it. They entered the bar and found it was pretty empty...but a man was standing up on stage singing showtunes.

"EGGS!?" said Cassie.

"Hi!" said Eggs. "I thought I was the only one here! I was at home waiting to perv on the delveriy boy when suddenly I was in a future bar singing future showtunes!"

"It was Wacky!" said Tomtrek. "He's got the Bick Box now!"

"Somehow I understand what that means!" said Eggs. "We have to find him and take the Bick Box from him and put the world back to normal!"

"Why?" asked a voice. "Who's to say that this world isn't BETTER?" They all span round to see that Oh My God, It's Robby had entered the bar. And he had a big fucking sword.

"Oh, hey....ummm, Oh My God," said Cassie. "We never really got to know each other in the Mine Field but...why have you got a big fucking sword?"

"I'm here to impose Wacky's will," said Oh My God, It's Robby. "And anyone who opposes that will TASTE MY BLADE!"

"Okay, gotcha!" said Cassie.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Wacky hadn't actually planned any of it. He'd always had a vague idea in his head of a Mine Field City where all the Mine Fielders could live together. That was a pretty resonable, he'd always thought. Surely everyone in the world had similar message board based fantasies. When Cassie had let him touch the Bick Box the thought had just come into his head "MAKE MINE FIELD CITY." He hadn't thought it through in any way, but within seconds it was a reality. He was in the highest buildingin Mine Field City, watching shape-changing alien Cassie (he'd always wanted to make Cassie into a shape-changing alien, naturally) and Tomtrek. He'd tried to make them understand, but they weren't ready yet. They'd gone over to a bar and met Eggs, who Wacky had also transported to the city. He guessed all the Mine Fielders were there now, somewhere in the city.

Then Eggs, Cassie and Tomtrek had started to plan to take the Bick Box back from Wacky. He'd looked at it, sitting on a pedestal in the centre of the room. He could never give it up. Never.

"SEND SOMEONE TO STOP THEM," a voice had said in his head. Somehow Wacky had understood what the voice had meant, and Oh My God It's Robby was soon fighting with the three of them.

"There," said Wacky. "When you said that, I just knew you meant to send a long forgotten former Mine Fielder to keep them busy. I'm sure Robby won't kill them, but if they're fighting him they won't have time to come for me and the Bick Box."

"GOOD. GOOOOD." The voice thought it was good, clearly.

"But who are you?" asked Wacky. "How can I hear you in my head? And why do you keep shouting?"

"I'M SOMEONE...from the previous universe. Someone who was trapped in the Bick Box when reality ended. But you freed me, when you created this new reality. And now I am here...to advice you, TREKKIE SCUM."

"What was that last thing you said?" asked Wacky.

"Umm...I coughed," said the voice.

"Oh, okay," said Wacky. "But again, who are you? Someone from the old universe who's been trapped in the box, someone who hasn't been around lately...and now you want to help me. You can't be! Surely not! You must be..."

"WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY IS WRONG..."

"Mentalist!"

"Oh. Right. Yeah! I'm him! Your old pal the Mentalist! Uhh...football! Natalie Portman! Neil Gaiman! Cheerio! Pip pip! Superman Returns will be great!"

"Those are all things Menty would say!" said Wacky, excited. "This explains so much! The reason you haven't posted in the Mine Field lately is becasue you've been trapped in the Bick Box. Not because you hate me! Now you're out and you'll help me make a better world with your ghostly presence."

"SURE, SUCKER," said the voice. Said Menty. "I mean, sure, friend! Now, the first thing you need to do is create some new districts."

"Districts?"

"SURE. It can't all be Mine Field City. You need to make a place to exile people who misbehave to. The Badlands. Even the name fits."

"Oh, you mean like other forums outside the Mine Field, except in city form. Sure! I'll make a Badlands. There! I just thought it into existence!"

"And if they're really bad, they get sent to Strip Search where they're naked and we can look at them naked."

"Uhh...okay, Menty. Anything you say. Done. What next?"

"Now you have to begin enforcing your will. Oh My God It's Robby was a good start, but you'll need more than that. You'll need cops. To make sure the Mine Fielders are doing what you want them to do. And they'll have to be someone tough. Maybe clone a Mine Fielder who'll give them all a hard time. Treat them all like the TREKKIE SCUM they are. Someone who, if possible, would shit on the Mine Field. Someone like that should be your every cop..."

"Do you have someone in mind?"

"OH, I SURE DO..."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"What should we do about Oh My God It's Robbie, Susie?" asked Tomtrek.

"What triggers data's boners if he doesn't show up two hours alread," said Susie.

"Look here, Robbie, Wacky sent us here against our will, we have the right to be upset," said Eggs. "But none of us are going to harm him, we just want to talk to Wacky..."

"I want to cut his penis off then feed it to him!" said Cassie. "GRRRRR!" she added.

"Then I will stop you!" said Robbie, and he lowered his sword and charged at Cassie, aiming for her stomach. Cassie didn't have time to move...but the sword passed harmlessly through a hole that had suddenly appeared in her!

"Cassie, you shape-shifted!" said Eggs.

"Well that was fucking lucky!" said Cassie.

"Oh, hi, just thought I'd pop in and see what's going on," said Harkley, who had just entered the bar. "Fuddlemiff got married to Hannah from S Club!?" While Robbie was distracted by this, Eggs broke a beer bottle over his head, knocking him out.

"I claim his sword for my own," said Eggs. He drove the sword into Robbie's unconscious body and Robbie turned to dust.

"Uhh, due, you just murdered some guy," said Harkley.

"What? No! He wasn't real!" said Eggs. "Wacky just sent a killer drone in the form of Oh My God It's Robbie to stop us. He wasn't an actual person."

"How'd you figure all that out?" asked Tomtrek.

"Well, he turned to dust after he died," shrugged Eggs.

"Yeah, AFTER..." said Tomtrek.

"WHO CARES," said Cassie. "This is the world we live in. It's kill or be killed now! Just like the Mine Field Games! DEATH TO OUR ENEMIES, RIGHT SUSIE?"

"ENEMIES, like monty mole," said Susie.

"Let's get out out of here before Wacky sends another obscure Mine Fielder afterus," said Eggs. "God I hope it's not Cosmic Average!" Then ran out of the bar and found Fuddlemiff on the street, looking at a terminal.

"Fuddlemiff!" said Harkley. "How's Hannah?"

"...I have no idea what that means," said Fuddlemiff. "But Wacky's set up terminals all around this strange sci-fi city we're in. Internet terminals. But they only show one page. The Mine Field."

"He just wants us to comply and post," said Eggs.

"I want to visit other sites, such as sites with images of Michelle Trachtenberg and to a lesser extent every other female celebrity!" said Tomtrek. "Let's get the Bick Box back fast!"

"HALT, CITIZENS," came many voices speaking as one. "OR SHOULD WE SAY, CITISCUMS!?" A dozen cops were approaching them. And each cop was FilthyRecWhore.

"Fuck!" said Cassie. "This is like The Mine Field Games AND Mine Fieldians of the galaxy! My memories of both of them have fully returned!"

"Yeah, this is very derivative," agreed Eggs. "But Wacky wants us alive so we can post, he won't have ordered the FilthyCopWhores to hurt us..."

"HE DIDN'T," said the lead FilthCopWhore. "BUT WE WILL ANYWAY, MINE FIELD SCUM!" They pulled out rayguns.

"I don't think police shootings are all that funny and even using rayguns instead of proper guns it's sitll kind of uncomfortable, to be honest," said Tomtrek.

"Yeah, we're literally going to die, but the fact that it's in bad taste makes it EVEN WORSE," said Cassie.

But then from above them, one of the flying cars suddenly plunged out of the sky and right towards the FilthyCopWhores. "Get down!" shouted Fuddlemiff and all the Mine Fielders did as the cops tried to shoot the car with their rayguns. A man jumepd out of the car at the last second, backflipping and landing on his feet. The car hit the FilthyCopWhores and exploded in a massive fireball, killing them all. The man turned around.

"Mind if I drop in?" asked Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Dr Dave!" said Tomtrek. "It's lucky you were flying by and decided to murder all those cops!"

"I saw them hassling you guys and thought I'd blow them up," shrugged Dr Dave. "Murder always feels right in Decemember, somehow."

"Yes, that's because our memories of the Mine Field Games and Mine Fieldians of the Galaxy are returning," explained Eggs. "I hope that doesn't mean we'll eventually turn on each other and all end up murdering each other..."

Everyone looked around shiftily at that.

"Well let's kill Wacky before we do that!" said Cassie. "How can we get to him? He's probably in the highest tower in the city watching us the bastard."

"There's thousands of flying cars in the sky," said Fuddlemiff. "They can't all have Mine Fielders in them. We could steal one and fly it up to Wacky's tower. Then peel his skin off."

"I like how fast we've gone from stopping Wacky to murdering Wacky to torturing Wacky!" said Tomtrek. "But how will we get up to the cars?"

"Shame I blew mine up," said Dr Dave. "But I did see Mirah flying up there too. I'll just whistle to her with the special whistle we developed to communicate." He did so. Mirah's car swooped down.

"Oh, hi everyone!" said Mirah. "I was just flying around honking at the robots who are flying the other cars. It confuses them! Then I thought I'd fly up to the highest tower in the city. Turns out there's a huge force field around it so you can't even get close. So if anyone was planning to fly a car up there to kill Wacky they'd be out of luck!"

"Damn it!" said Harkley.

"There must be something else we can do," said Eggs. "Another place we can go..."

"Actually, I did see a part of the city where the FilthyCopWhores don't patrol," said Mirah. "Not even the robot bees go there! But it's in a rough part of town, in the back alleys...I haven't seen anyone who went in come out again."

"Sounds perfect, let's go!" said Tomtrek. They all ran to this part of the city.

"Hang on, does any of this make sense?" asked Fuddlemiff. "Wacky has total control of reality! Why would he create a part of his city where his stormtroopers can't go? Why even give us free will at all?"

"From what I know of Wacky, he'd want this place to be a fully functioning city," said Cassie. "He wants to break us, wants us to choose to do what he wants."

They arrived at the bad part of the city. There were dead robots lying in the streets. It was horrible. Someone come running out of a back alley.

"By cork!" said Dr Dave. "It's Headvoid!"

"Don't...don't go in there!" said Headvoid, exhausted. "Haven't you heard the legends that have developed around this area of Mine Field City?"

"No!" said Eggs. "We've only been here a few hours, just like you!"

"Well legends develop fast when they're so terrible!" said Headvoid. "A killer stalks those streets. His weapon is a laser machete. He's hacked up many former Mine Fielders. Remember Cranky Bastard and his wife? Both dead! Cosmic Average too!" Eggs punched the air in celebration.

"It's still better than facing those FilthyCopWhores, probably!" said Tomtrek. A patrol of the stormtroopers was marching across the street. "It's the only place we can disappear from Wacky."

"Fine," said Headvoid. "But if we all get murdered I'll murder you all FIRST next December!" They all ran into the dark alley. They did not see a figure stalking them in the shadows...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"So to recap, it seems that somebody most likely Captain Wacky, has taken total control of reality and transformed the world into one giant city constructed from zones themed on area of Troll Kingdom," said SAUSAGEMAN.

"That is also my deduction," said FBI Parte Due, smoking his pipe. "And we were transported to a maze of seedy alleys between the Mine Field and the Badlands. Probably Wacky fucking with us. And there's a killer on the loose."

"Ineed," sais SAUSAGEMAN. "It's good to recap these things to help us get a sense of what we must do next."

"So what are we going to do?" asked FBI.

"Well, Wacky likes Nintendo so he's probably put some Mario karts in the city somewhere. We just have to find two and ride them to relative safety."

"...that's your plan?"

"What would you have us do?"

"Well, there's a bar over there. We could get some gin."

"There's a lot of bars in this city! But we can't get drunk until after we ride those Mario karts, obviously."

"FINE...hey, who's that slumped down by that dumpster?" FBI pointed and he and SAUSAGEMAN jogged over. They'd found several body parts of dead Mine Fielders all over the alleys, but this was different. This person was still alive.

"I don't know who that is," sais SAUSAGEMAN. "Let's leave him to die and find some go karts."

"Wait, that's WillsZenith," said FBI. "He's decent! Who did this to you, Wills?"

"The...the killer," said WillsZenith. "He was...was...WAS..."

"Why is it when people are dying they start repeating words?" asked SAUSAGEMAN.

"WAS..." said WillsZenith one final time then died.

"Well, that was pointless," said FBI. They wandered around for a while. Eventually they spotted a man tied to a park bench in the middle of a street. His mouth was gagged.

"Oh, it's Loktar," said SAUSAGEMAN. "I'll ask him if he's seen any Maro karts or other Nintendo intellectual property. Isabelle, for example. I bet Wacky made an Isabelle." They walked over to the bench and pulled the gag off.

"It's a trap, you idiots!" said Loktar. "Why else would I be tied up to a bench?" They heard a noise.

"That sounded like someone turning a laser machete on," observed FBI. A hooded figure jumped down from a walkway above them. SAUSAGEMAN and FBI backed away slowly. He pulled his hood back.

"Sup?" said Seph.

"Oh, it's just you, Seph," said FBI. "We were on the run from some psycho killer and even as I speak it's occured to me that you're obviously him."

"Yeah," laughed Seph. "Sure been on a spree. Been up to my knees in guts and not in the usual way!"

"But why?" asked SAUSAGEMAN. "Why kill so many?"

"It's December," said Seph. "The rules don't apply in Decemember. Last year I kicked a planet into a black hole or something. It was mental. Want to team up with me and kill everyone else?"

"Well..." said FBI.

"We were kind of planning to ride Mario karts to safety," said SAUSAGEMAN. Loktar started laughing at that. Seph chopped off his feet.

"Sure, let's team up!" said FBI and SAUSAGEMAN together.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Wacky watched it all from his tower. He felt sad. This wasn't what he'd wanted. He wasn't sure exactly what he had wanted, but it wasn't this.

"They're just going to fight each other to the death, again," he said.

"Hahaha, great, isn't it?" laughed the voice of the phantom Mentalist, cruelly. "DEATH TO SCUM!"

"No!" said Wacky. "It's not great! What's happened to you, Menty? You don't sound yourself."

"Oh, umm...it's being trapped in that box," said Menty. "It's driven me mad. But I really am Menty, I can assure you of that! Football! Patrick Moore! Michael Jackson! Ch'mon!"

"Yeah, I know you absolutely are the real Mentalist and not someone posing as him in an attempt to deceive me," said Wacky. "I just wish you understood how horrible it is for me to watch all my internet friends kill each other. Why must it come to this?"

"It is the nature of man," said Menty's voice. "An endless cycle of war, doomed to repeat because man cannot fight its base nature. This was always going to happen. At least you can enjoy it."

Wacky watched as Eggs, Tomtrek, Cassie, Fuddlmiff, Harkley, Headvoid, Dr Dave and Mirah made their way through the dark alleys between the Mine Field and the Badlands. Seph, FBI Parte Due, SAUSAGEMAN and Loktar (who now had a robot foot) were lying in wait to murder them. "But I won't enjoy it," said Wacky at last. "If they're going to fight, can't they use disposable armies or something?"

"Hmm, like robots or something in one of those stupid comic book movies you nerds like," said the voice claiming to be Menty.

"I was thinking clones," said Wacky. "I did create a clone machine to make all those FilthyRecWhore cops. I could clone more of them, give every Mine Fielder an army..."

"MORE FUCKING DEATH FOR FILTHYRECWHORE, FUCK," said Menty. "I mean, umm, why not just clone each Mine Fielder? Give them an army of THEMSELF. That would be fucked up!"

"Yeah...that could work," said Wacky. "That COULD work..."

"You could...also clone me a new body," said Menty. "Maybe use one of the FilthyRecWhore bodies, but make him super tall and powerful and sexy..."

"Why is it that you don't have a body anyway?" asked Wacky.

"Oh, I don't know, just some technobabble reason," said Menty. "But put me in a sexy FilthyRecWhore body and we can have some fun!"

"Umm, I don't really want to have sex with you in a FilthyRecWhore body," said Wacky. "Don't you just want your original body?"

"NO!" said Menty. "The DNA was destroyed or something. Just do the thing I said."

"Well, okay," said Wacky. "But I'll make the clone armies first. It'll make this place feel like a functioning city. I wish we had more girls though. Where are Tisiphone and Curiousa2z?" As he said this, a monitor showed that they were in the "FACEBOOK" area of the city. Wacky shook his fist.

"Haha, they've started to fight," said Menty. The fight had indeed begun in the alley. No one had died yet, but Seph had cut off Loktar's other foot despite them being on the same side.

"No more," said Wacky, and as he spoke his voice could be heard by everyone in the city. "NO MORE. You will not fight each other like this any longer...now you will have armies of clones to fight and die for you! BEGUN, THE CLONE WAR HAS."

And soon Mine Field City got a whole lot more populated.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
ONE WEEK LATER

It was remarkable how quickly things had changed, Gagh thought to himself. How quickly every had adjusted to the new normal. A week ago, while the others had been fighting in some horrible alley, he'd been biding his time. He'd been travelling the city making friends with some of the robots who lived there, getting them on his side. He'd used them to monitor what everyone else was up to. Of course after Wacky had executed his clone war protocol, Gagh had had a lot more people to monitor...

Everyone's clone army had appeared in a different area of the city. The original Mine Fielder was the commander of their own clone army. The others were genetically programmed to follow thier commander's orders. Gagh had appeared in Mine Field Central Park. It had been full of robot dogs. It had reminded Gagh that even though he had a clone army now, everyone else had the same thing. But he had something they didn't have. He had robot friends.

Again he'd bided his time. He'd kept control of the park, of course. His clones had patrolled the outer either, not letting the clones of any other Mine Fielder in. But he hadn't expanded. Not yet. It wasn't time. He'd watche from the park as the others had warred. A battle had broken out int he skies above his park one day, between the clones of Tomtrek and the clones of SAUSAGEMAN. They'd run out of cannonballs for the cannons they'd been firing at each other, and had begun firing actual clones from the cannons instead. Their bodies had crashed together in an explosion of flesh. Their blood had rained down on Gagh's park.

"No littering!" Gagh had said and finally turned his own guns on the flying war machines of SAUSAGEMAN and Tomtrek. They had killed so many of each other that they could not fight back against Gagh. A few of them had retreated. Gagh had let them go. They could report back to their commanders about what happened. Tell them that Gagh was not to be fucked with.

Gagh decided to just wait until everyone else killed each other then leave his park. Mine Field City would be his then.

But one of his robots had reported to him. "Commander Gagh, a cloaked figure stands at the border of your land. It wishes to speak to you."

"Why should I talk to this cloaked figure?" asked Gagh, with disgust.

"It brought you a gift, Lord Gagh," said the robot. "A pair of feet..."

"I don't understand," said Gagh, but he'd travelled to the border anyway. The cloaked figure had two objects in a box. "What is this?" asked Gagh.

"Feet...of metal," said the cloaked figure, opening the box. There was a fine pair of metal feet inside. "To show that we are friends. To start a relationship that will end with the two of us ruling this city."

"I need no ally," said Gagh. "But I will admit I've always wanted a pair of metal feet. Who are you? What is your name?"

"My name?" asked the cloaked figure. He threw back his hood. Gagh gasped. "Why, I'm Mentalist, of course! And I have so much to tell you..."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Cassie did not care for war. She still fought, of course. She had to. Everyone had turned on everyone else as soon as the clone armies had appeared. The old alliances she'd had with Tomtrek, Fuddlemiff, Dr Dave and the rest were gone. She hadn't held back either. She remembered everything that had happened two years ago in the Mine Field Games. She remembered that she had been the winner. She had to be ruthless. Everyone else would be.

She had been holding her penis cleaver at the time of the cloning. All her clones had one too.

After over a week of fighting, no man would dare enter Cassie's Mine Field City territory.

But she felt lonely. She wish there was a way to end this terrible war. A way to stop Wacky once and for all. She sat in her penthouse looking out of the window tring to think of a way. That was when she saw Dr Dave flying by on a hang-glider holding a banner. The banner read "PLEASE DON'T CHOP MY PENIS OFF! I WISH TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT A WAY TO STOP CAPTAINWACKY AND END THIS MADNESS." It was a very big banner. Cassie was suspicious, of course, but she let Dr Dave into her penthouse. She held her penis cleaver as they spoke.

"Madness, Dr Dave?" she asked. "You were the one who crashed a flying car into a gang of cops on your first day here. You fit well with this madness!"

"But I have no desire to fight my fellow Mine Fielders!" said Dr Dave. "Well, maybe Bick. To tell you the truth, that's why I'm here. You say Wacky holds the Bick Box?"

"Yes," said Cassie. "And uses it to manipulate reality."

"The last time I saw the Bick Box, Bick was sitting on it," said Dr Dave, shuddering at the memory. "He told a four hour story about maps. That box is PURE EVIL. We must destroy it. If that means KILLING WACKY then so be it!"

"Okay, but how are we going to even get near Wacky?" asked Cassie. "He'll never let us talk to him."

"He's friends with Tomtrek, isn't he?" said Dr Dave. "They talk about female celebrities together and sometimes Star Wars but mainly female celebrities. Maybe if we had Tomtrek on our side..."

"Tomtrek isn't letting anyone into his domain," said Cassie. "Not since he lost so many clones battling SASUAGEMAN above Gagh's park."

"If only we had Michelle Trachtenberg with us..." said Dr Dave.

"Wait a minute, I'm a shape-shfiting alien!" said Cassie. She turned into Michelle Trachtenberg. "There we go! Look how smokey my eyes are."

"They're plenty smokey!" said Dr Dave in a approval. "To the Tomtrek domain!"

It wasn't easy to get to Tomtrek's domain. They had to travel through whisky's land of giant mechanical spiders. Each had a clone of whisky riding them. "DIE, DIEEEEEEEEEEE!" shouted one, as Cassie and Dr Dave tried to sneak by. But his giant mechanical spider malfunctioned and they escaped.

"It's strange how fast he went mad," shrugged Dr Dave. Finally they arrived at Tomtrek's domain. A Tomtrek clone stood guard. Cassie, in the form of Michelle Trachtenberg, walked up to him.

"Hi, I'm Michelle Trachtenberg and I have smokey eyes and also I'd like to speak to Tomtrek," said Cassieberg. The clone looked her up and down.

"Sure!" he said at last and took Cassieberg and Dr Dave to Tomtrek, who was sitting on a throne of bones surrounded by skulls.

"Nice throne of bones surrounded by skulls," said Dr Dave in approval.

"Thanks!" said Tomtrek. "And now...PREPARE TO BE TRAPPEd IN A NET." A giant net dropped on them. Cassieberg gasped.

"How could you do this to I, actress Michelle Trachtenberg?" she asked.

"Don't lie to me!" said Tomtrek. "Do you not think I can tell the REAL Michelle Trachtenberg from a shape-shifting alien. I have studied 7857 images of her! How many have YOU studied?"

"Umm...twelve?" said Cassie, who had studied twelve images of Michelle Trachtenberg earlier that day.

"Now we shall shall have a discussion on MY TERMS!" said Tomtrek, stomping a skull for dramatic effect.

"This was a bad plan," said Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Eggs was pretty happy with the part of the Mine Field City he'd carved out for himself. He'd centred it around the bar he'd first woken up in. He'd grown oddly fond of the place. It had a sign above the door now. "BAR MAYO" it read. Eggs sang there every night.

He was not fond of killing, of course, but his clone army had done their fair share to keep his part of the city safe. They'd had no choice. After things had settled down he'd started letting clones of other Mine Fielders enter his zone, under supervision of course. If they wanted to sing, Eggs was happy to let them. But he was disappointed by the lack of twinks.

Seriously, why did no twinks post in the Mine Field and why didn't they have millions of sexy twink clones walking around Mine Field City?

"It's a FUCKING DISGRACE the lack of HOMOS, IMMHO!" said a Henoch, who was hanging out in the bar. "SAUSAGEMAN keeps turning me down because he says I'm creepy and unstable. I'LL BURN HIS SKIN OFF! And Fuddlemiff is a DIRTY BI. You can't trust them, IMMHO!"

"Yeah, I feel like I'll end up getting desperate myself," said Eggs.

"Want to DO IT THEN?" asked Henoch. "Want to FUCK THE NIGHT AWAY, BABY?"

"What? No!" said Eggs. He quickly smashed a bottle and stabbed Henoch to death through the throat. He'd hadn't let any more Henoch's into his zone after that.

One day some of his security Eggs had brought him someone they'd captured. A lone figure, who had been slaughtering clones through the Eggs sone. Eggs gasped. It was Seph. The original Seph.

"Are you trying to commit suicide?" asked Eggs. "If you wanted to attack me, why didn't you use your clone army?"

"Sod that for a game of shit," said Seph. "Using clones to kill? I killed all my own clones myself for fun. There's nothing like feeling deat with your own, non-cloned hands. I'll kill all the millions of people here by myself if I have to, one at a time. Just get to get my hands around their necks, chuuuuuumps."

Eggs had sighed and locked Seph up. He'd doubled security after that.

He'd later had reports of two cloaked figures making their way through his domain. Oddly they hadn't killed any of his clones. The reports said one of them had metal feet. Eggs was intrigued.

And then the FilthyCopWhores had arrived.

They hadn't been seen for a long time, not since the clone armies had been created. What was the use of cops in a warzone? Why were they here now, Eggs wondered?

"COP BUSINESS," said a FilthyCopWhore when he arrived at the bar. "God Wacky sent us to track down two fugitives. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW, SINGING SCUM."

Eggs nodded to his clone guards. They killed the FilthyCopWhore on the spot.

"I guess I'm helping fugitives now," said Eggs with a sigh. Another clone reported that the two mysterious figures were hiding out not far from the bar. Eggs travelled to meet them.

"We must be quick," said Mentalist, when Eggs arrived. "The fate of TWO WORLDS depends on what I'm about to say..."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Why do you just have all those skulls lying around the place anyway?" asked Cassie. "It's messy."

"Wacky didn't like that bit in Return of the King when Aragorn was buried in millions of skulls," said Tomtrek, almost to himself. "He'd ask why it was just skulls, where did they all come from...I didn't really give a fuck but I miss his autistic rants sometimes. But look what he's made of us. There's no talking to Wacky now..."

"But there could be!" said Cassie.

"That's why we're here," said Dr Dave. "We want to try to talk to Wacky one last time. Then kill him."

"If we have to," said Cassie.

"Sure..." said Dr Dave.

"Why do you think he'd listen to us?" asked Tomtrek. "Just because we're sometimes in #trollkigndom with him? He doesn't care anymore."

"Well, there's another part to our plan," said Cassie. "We found SOMEONE ELSE who can talk to Wacky..."

Susie the robot cat came running in at that moment.

"Susie, the robot chat cat?" asked Tomtrek.

"robot BREASTS NEED SOME OIL," said Susie.

"Think about it," said Cassie. "Wacky's talked to her more than he's talk to anyone else ever. Far more than he's talk to any of us. If anyone can get through to him, it's her."

"And then we can kill him!" said Dr Dave.

"You know what...I'll do it," said Tomtrek. "I can't check for new Michelle Trachtenberg images while I'm in this pocket reality. It's caused me to go mad and surround myself with the skulls of my enemies. Even if this fails and we all die...it will be better than living like this."

"HE'S IN, SUSIE!" said Cassie.

"HE'S gunna enjoy anything after Buffy," said Susie.

"But how will we get to Wacky's dark tower of evil?" asked Dr Dave.

"I think I can help with that!" said Mirah, stepping out from behind a metal tree. "I was listening in and I want to be part of this! I come into #trollkingdom sometimes too, so I deserve to be a bigger part of this story than people who don't!"

"How did you get into my domain!?" asked Tomtrek.

"Secret underground tubes!" said Mirah. "Like those tubes people use to travel in Futurama, but Wacky put them UNDERGROUND so we wouldn't find them! They can take us right to his dark tower."

"That's quite the shortcut," said Cassie. "Quite the NARRATIVE shortcut!" They all got in a secret underground tube and within seconds were standing outside Wacky's dark tower.

"Now we just need to get up there and kill him with our fists!" said Dr Dave.

"It's swarming with FilthyRecWhore droids!" said Tomtrek, pointing out that the tower was indeed swarming with evil robot versions of the evil cop FilthyRecWhore.

"It's funny how FilthyRecWhore is so involved in all this," said Cassie. "Almost like he's manipulating Wacky in some way!"

"DON'T BE SILLY," said the voice of Wacky. Suddenly all five of them were transported to Wacky's throne room. "The only person manipulating me is my GOOD FRIEND Mentalist!"

Standing behind Wacky was a super tall, roided up version of FilthyRecWhore.

"That's clearly FilthyRecWhore," said Mirah.

"No, it's Menty!" said Wacky. "His DNA just mutated or something..."

"That's not how DNA works!" said Tomtrek. "Wacky, it's obvious FilthyRecWhore has been manipulating you this whole tme."

"You mean...this isn't the real Menty?" asked Wacky.

"No!" said everyone.

"Then that means...Menty doesn't even care enough about me to manipulate me! RRRRRRRRARGH!" And Wacky shot all of them with Force Lightning from his fingertips and everything went dark.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"NOW DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH," said FilthyRecWhore to Wacky. He had just shot the five Mine Fielders who had come to see him with Force Lightning. They were gone. Wacky turned to FilthyRecWhore.

"I should have known," he said. "All the signs were there! Like the fact that you look and act exactly like FilthyRecWhore. You were behind all of us. It was you who suggested I created clone armies so the Mine Fielders could kill each other in new and inventive ways. You're acting out your sick fantasy again!"

"You just killed five of your close friends with your own hands," said FilthyRecWhore, lowering his voice for once. It made him sound more sinister. "I didn't make you do that. You killed them on your own."

"As is my right as God!" snapped Wacky. "The Bick Box CHOSE ME to reshape the world, never forget that! So if I had wanted to, I COULD have reduced those five to dust."

"Could have?" asked FilthyRecWhore.

"I transported them back down to the city," said Wacky. "I just did it with Force Lightning to make it look more dramatic. The fools don't deserve an easy death."

"Then...you agree with me? The TREKKIE SCUM should be made to suffer?"

"Sure. But it's nothing to do with you. Not anymore, anyway. Sure I let you get into my head, created the clone army, watched as millions died...but the truth is, they were already fighting to the death before that. I had already populated the city with dying robots. I'd already made a machete appear in Seph's hands. All of this happend because on some level...I wanted it to. I...I am evil."

"Good. Gooood. You've taken your first step into a larger world."

"Stop with the mangled Star Wars quotes. I took the first step as soon as I put my hands on that Bick Box and wished this world into being. Mine Field City was always destined to be an evil, crule domain. And now I will make that clear to the rest of them."

A massive monitor showed that Cassie, Tomtrek, Dr Dave, Mirah and Susie had just appeared in front of Bar Mayo. They looked confused to be alive. Eggs came out of the bar, followed by Gagh with metal feet. Wacky transported SAUSAGEMAN prime there too, and FBI Parte Due. Then he sighed and just transported the original version of everyone there, even if hey hadn't been posting much lately and didn't really deserve to be in the story.

"What the fuck," said Headvoid. "My clones had just opened up a biscuit factory. We were happy! Why am I here?"

"We're about to find out," said Eggs, pointing up at a massive screen like those Gul Dukat would appear on in DS9 sometimes on Cardassia. They could see Wacky's face staring back at them.

"Your petty wars are over," said Wacky. "I have deleted all your clones."

"No!" gasped Headvoid. "Who will cook the biscuits? They have to be cooked twice! That's where the name comes from, I think!"

"I was in love with my clone!" complained Jack.

"SILENCE," boomed Wacky. "From now on you live to service me. You live for my amusement. You live in Mine Field City for as long as it pleases me. If you are not living an amusing Mine Field life I will turn you to dust."

"It's like TK house for real!" said Shatna, refering to that Sims game or whatever that thing was I never really got it. Wacky turned him to dust on the spot.

"Like that," said Wacky. "Now, begin. Entertain me."

"What is this new devilry?" asked Tomtrek. "I thought once we exposed FilthyRecWhore's manipulations it would all over..." Wacky turned the monitor off.

"It will never be over," he said to himself, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
A week living under Wacky's new rules had driven the remaining Mine Fielders insane. Over half of them had died, turned to dust on the whim of Wacky. It was hard to stay entertaining. Some of them had decided that following Jack around all the time was the way to do it. Those had been some of the first people Wacky had turned to dust, then Jack himself when he complained that nobody was following him around anymore.

Those who lived were singing in Bar Mayo. It seemed to be the only thing Wacky liked.

"I can't keep singing Call Me Maybe!" complained Dr Dave. "I need another song!"

"At least you're still alive, unlike me!" said Filthy Whore as Wacky turned her to a pile of dust at that moment.

"I hate having these things in the bar," complained Eggs, pointing at a Lakitu camera. The turtle in the cloud just hovered there, the camera hanging from its fishing rod. Wacky used them to film everyone now. He had grown tired, the rumours said. He couldn't be bothered using his powers to watch everything anymore, it was said. He relied on simple cameras instead. "They put me off when I'm singing."

"What are we going to do?" asked Fuddlemiff. "Sometimes I think of singing that Santa Baby song just so Wacky will kill me and this can all end."

"Don't ever say that!" said Mirah. "I hate that song!"

"Everyone just keep talking normally," said Colonel Kira's Left Tit. Everyone just looked at him.

"What you mean?" asked Tomtrek.

"I mean something normal," said CKLT. "Obviously! How's Michelle Trachtenberg looking when you close your eyes?"

"Good question," asked Tomtrek. He closed his eyes. "What!? I can't see her! What's Wacky done!"

"ANNOUNCMENT: Tomtrek's ability to see Michelle Trachtenberg whenever he closes his eyes has been taken away from him becaue it's distracting him from being entertaining," came the voice of Wacky, from nowhere. "I don't want to have to turn you to dust, friend."

"He's a monster!" said Cassie. "GRRRR!" Tomtrek was sitting with his head in his hands. Suddenly CKLT touched the camera the Lakitu was holding.

"Okay, remember when I told you to keep talking normally? You can stop now," he said.

"What have you done you crazy man?" asked Headvoid.

"I managed to put a recording of Dr Dave singing Call Me Maybe into the camera," said CKLT. "Now it's all Wacky can see. It's playing on a loop. He can't see what we say now."

"He'll notice, surely," said Dr Dave."

"He might think you're doing some conceptual art!" said CKLT. "Anyway, it gives us time to plan...something. I don't know. Cassie might have a plan."

"We kill Wacky," said Cassie. Everyone gasped. "Then use the Bick Box to put the world right again."

"You really want Wacky to die?" asked Eggs.

"I don't want it," said Cassie. "But what else can we do? He's killed so many and we'll be next. He's only let us survive so long because our post counts are so high. Our only way out of this crazy pocket dimension is to kill him and all the FilthyCopWhores and all the evil robots he has now and probably Loktar for some reason."

"Hey, I'm tied to a bench!" said Loktar, who was tied to a bench.

"But who will do it?" asked Fuddlemiff. "Which of us will strike the killing blow?"

"Me," said Tomtrek, opening his eyes. "I'll murder Wacky. I'll murder him good."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"If only I could find Menty again," lamented Eggs, as they stood at the bottom of Wacky's tower. Security was low. Wacky was obviously stilling watched the looped recording of Dr Dave singing Call Me Maybe.. "Maybe he'd have been able to get through to Wacky. But he and Gagh disappeared after the clone armies were disbanded."

"It's too late for any of that," said Cassie, sadly. "It's all too late. And after Tomtrek does what needs to be done, Wacky will released his armies on the rest of us. We'll kill as many FilthyCopWhores as we can before that, but when word of Wacky's death gets out we should meet back at the alley between the Mine Field and the Badlands."

"Wacky must be stopped...no matter the cost," said Tomtrek. And just like that he was gone. He ran up the side of Wacky's building wearing a pair of magnetic boots he'd seen episodes 3 and 4 of The Expanse, tacking out several of Wacky's robot guards as he did. He reached Wacky's luxury penthouse. Wacky was still watching Dr Dave sing and turned round in shock as he saw Tomtrek.

"Tomtrek!" said Wacky.

"One shall stand, one shall fall!" said Tomtrek.

"Why throw away your life so wrecklessly?" asked Wacky.

"That's a question you should ask yourself, Wacky!" said Tomtrek.

"No!" said Wacky, after considering using his powers. "I'll crush you with my bare hands!" He dived on Tomtrek, knocking him to the ground.

"I've got to help Tomtrek!" said hot headed kid FBI Parte Due, climbing up the dark tower.

"Stay away, lad, that's Tomtrek's fight!" said Cassie as Tomtrek threw Wacky against a wall. Wacky grabbed a shard of jagged metal and threw it into Tomtrek's side. Tomtrek pulled it out. Wacky tried to shoot Tomtrek with his fusion cannon but Tomtrek avoided it and punched Wacky in the face. Wacky came back by slashing Tomtrekin the side with an energy weapon. Tomtrek's wound fizzled. Wacky jumped high to come down on Tomtrek but Tomtrek hit him with an uppercut. Wacky tried to sweep Tomtrek's legs but Tomtrek jumped up. Wacky kicked him on the way down. Wacky and Tomtrek grappled.

"I'll rip out your optics!" said Wacky, but Tomtrek over-powered him and threw him hard to the ground.

"Finish him off, Tomtrek, do it now!" said Cassie. Tomtrek picked up and his blaster and walked over to Wacky. Wacky looked scared, but noticed another blaster lying under some rubble which Wacky couldn't see.

"No more, Tomtrek, grant me mercy, I beg of you!" said Wacky.

"You, who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff!" said Tomtrek.

"Oh no you don't, Wacky!" said FBI Parte Due, as Wacky reached for the hidden blaster. They scuffled. Tomtrek couldn't get a clean shot.

"Out of the way, FBI!" said Tomtrek. But Wacky grabbed FBI around the neck and shot Tomtrek in his already injured side, three times.

"Fall, FALL!" said Wacky. He snapped FBI's neck and walked over to where Tomtrek lay.

"Ah, I would have waited an eternity for this," said Wacky. "It's over, Tomtrek!"

"NEVER!" said Tomtrek, and he hit one last mighty double fist blow to Wacky's chest, sending Wacky crashing through the window and down the side of the dark tower. Cassie walked over to the dying Tomtrek.

"Would you like me to lie to you now?" asked Cassie.

"Yes," said Tomtrek. Cassie transformed into Michelle Trachtenberg.

"Oh Tomtrek, my sweet Tomtrek, I always appreciated Random Trachtenberg," said Cassieberg. Tomtrek seemed to appreciate it at first, but then he noticed something.

"Your eyebrow is all wrong!" he gasped out with his dying breath. He was gone.

"Foolish Michelle Trachtenber,g" said the chief FilthyRecWhore as he walked over. "You can join him in his pointless death."

Cassie transformed from Michelle Trachtenberg to the green-skinned super strong alien she really was as she threw a punch right through Filthy's head.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Things hapened very fast after that. With the chief FilthyRecWhore dead the others just began slaughtering anyone they felt like, any Mine Fielder they saw. Wacky didn't die in the fall from his tower, of course. Perhaps in his heart Tomtrek had known that he couldn't possibly have killed someone who possessed the powers of the Bick Box. As Wacky had fallen, he'd made a dragon appear. It had caught him on its back. Wacky decided enough was enough. It was time to empty the Mine Field of all life, all but him. He would live there alone forever, as he'd always been destined to do. He made an army of demons, monsters and robots appear and hunted down all the remaining Mine Fielders.

And so it came to be that Eggs, Dr Dave, Cassie and a badly wounded Fuddlemiff were all who were left standing, in the alley between the Mine Field and the Badlands.

"Flash back over, I guess," said Eggs, as Wacky's dark army swarmed over them. Soon they would be dead too...

"Oy, stop all this fighting!! said Curiousa2z from out of nowhere. Everyone stopped. Even Wacky swooped down on his dragon and landed to see what was going on. Curious had just walked into the alley, and she wasn't alone. She was followed by Gagh (with metal feet), Seph and lastly Mentalist.

"Menty?" said Wacky. "I forgot there was even a real version of you here."

"Where did you all disappear to?" asked Eggs.

"Well, we got bored waiting for you guys to take on Wacky, so we broke Seph out and went down to the football district to watch football," explained Gagh. "Curious was already there."

"I made a football district?" asked Wacky. "I guess I subconsciously ignored everything that happened there because football's so fucking boring."

"What are you doing, Wacky?" asked Menty. "Killing everyone? Really?"

"You'd know what I was doing if you were around more!" said Wacky. "Would it FUCKING KILL YOU to post here!? I mean...to...hang out with the other Mine Fielders in Mine Field City."

"It's kind of your own fault for creating a football district," said Gagh.

"Yeah, the Mine Fielder Bastards FC were playing," said Seph.

"But most of them are dead!" said Dr Dave.

"Nah, they're all mutated clones left over from the clone wars. They're body parts keep falling off and everything. Funny shit," said Seph.

"It doesn't matter!" said Wacky. "It's too late. I've...I've killed Tomtrek. He was my friend. He'd actually talk to me about female celebrities on Skype. Not just him, I snapped FBI's neck. I just watched my robots tear The Saint apart. I think my dragon ate Headvoid...Fuddlemiff's bleeding out..."

"Yeah, there really is a lot of blood," said Fuddlemiff, falling.

"But you've got the Bick Box," said Cassie, suddenly. "There's still hope. You can bring Tomtrek, FBI, Headvoid, Fuddlemiff, even The Saint back to life!"

"Let's not go nuts," said Wacky. "But yeah...I could...but I'd remember..."

"Nope!" said Cassie. "Just erease your memory! Erase all our memories, like what happens every December. It'll all seem like a crazy dream. Like a post you made on the MF. None of us will know it was real."

"Isn't that a really cheap ending?" asked Wacky.

"Who cares, at least we'll be fucking alive!" said Eggs.

"And don't recreate FilthyRecWhore," said Dr Dave. "It was his influence that turned you evil in the first place."

"No, I must take responsibility myself," said Wacky.

"Fine, I don't care, do what you like," said Dr Dave. Wacky reached into his pants and pulled out the Bick Box.

"Is it not a strange fate, that we should suffer so much pain and doubt for so small a thing?" said Wacky. "So small a thing!"

"Yeah, so, once Wacky puts reality back together, who wants to have a big Mine Field game of football?" asked Menty. Everyone cheered. Wacky sighed and touched he Bick Box.

He was in his bedroom. He was waking up in bed. What an odd dream it had been, so long and involved. He remembered at the start it had been Cassie waking up, finding something under her bed...what had it been? He thought of looking under his bed. But he couldn't be bothered. It could wait. The thought came to him that it could wait until next December. He didn't know what he'd thought that, but he had.

When Wacky went back to sleep, he dreamed that all the Mine Fielders, past and present, were playing football together. Even Menty was there. Even Mine Fielders who you wouldn't think would like football like Tomtrek and Cassie were playing and having a great time. There was just one Mine Fielder left from that happy event. Wacky himself. Wacky felt, in his dream, that he alone did not deserve to be there.

THE END
 
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