CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Doctor Dave woke to find that the floosy he had spent the night with was hogging his sheets.
"Last night was amazing," she said, stretching. "I know we've only known each other a few hours, but I think I..."
"Get the fuck out of my house, slut," he said, coldly. She was stunned into silence. "I'm serious, ho." She got up and left, trying not to cry. Trying and failing. "You were an above average lay," Dave shouted after her, to give her something positive.
Dave got out of bed and checked to make sure the girl hadn't stolen any of his knives and guns. They all seemed to be in order. Good, he had bounties to collect. He check the list. The first was to be brought in dead or alive. He smiled. He always went for the first option in these cases.
Dave found the scumbag easily enough. He was going down to his local shops to buy some cigarettes. "Smoking will kill you," Dave said, smiling thinly. He check the file again. The criminal had stabbed another criminal's daughter to death. It was only appropriate that he died in the same way. Dave took his favourite knife, Old Stabby, and left his car. He calmly walked towards the shop and waited. A small child walked by.
"Do you have a knife?" it asked.
"Yes," said Doctor Dave.
"What for?"
"For killing."
"Cool! Can I watch?"
"Yes. You can watch," said Doctor Dave. He felt it important that children face up to the realities of life. The criminal left the shop, only to find Doctor Dave standing there brandishing Old Stabby. The criminal dropped his cigarettes.
"What the fuck!?" he said.
"Don't swear in front of children," said Docotor Dave, lunging forward, bringing the knife down into the criminal's neck. Blood sprayed everywhere. The child clapped appreciatively.
"Hehehe!" it laughed. "Is he deaded now?"
The criminal was lying on the ground, holding his neck. He didn't have long.
"It hurst...it hurts..." he said.
"You killed a girl. Now you die. It is justice," said Doctor Dave.
"I...she...she was a slut!"
"You raped her first? Hmm," said Dave.
"It wasn't rape...she was begging for it...hey, what do you have there?"
Dave smiled. "Pills laugh out loud," he said, shoving them into the criminals mouth.
"Drugs are bad!" said the child.
"Go play on the freeway," said Dave and the child obeyed.
The criminal woke to find himself in Doctor Dave's appartment, strapped to his bed.
"Help!" he said. "I was dying...how?"
"I am a doctor," said Doctor Dave. "My pills laugh out loud cure anything. They cured your stab wound."
"Thank you...thank you," said the criminal.
"Don't thank me," said Dave. "I added rape to your list of crimes. And I do believe the punishment...should fit the crime."
"What? No, NO! PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP! AAAAAAARGH!"
Six hours later the criminal was finally buggered to death. Dave stored his body with the others in his basement. Then he got dressed and went out. He felt like having more above average sex.
"Last night was amazing," she said, stretching. "I know we've only known each other a few hours, but I think I..."
"Get the fuck out of my house, slut," he said, coldly. She was stunned into silence. "I'm serious, ho." She got up and left, trying not to cry. Trying and failing. "You were an above average lay," Dave shouted after her, to give her something positive.
Dave got out of bed and checked to make sure the girl hadn't stolen any of his knives and guns. They all seemed to be in order. Good, he had bounties to collect. He check the list. The first was to be brought in dead or alive. He smiled. He always went for the first option in these cases.
Dave found the scumbag easily enough. He was going down to his local shops to buy some cigarettes. "Smoking will kill you," Dave said, smiling thinly. He check the file again. The criminal had stabbed another criminal's daughter to death. It was only appropriate that he died in the same way. Dave took his favourite knife, Old Stabby, and left his car. He calmly walked towards the shop and waited. A small child walked by.
"Do you have a knife?" it asked.
"Yes," said Doctor Dave.
"What for?"
"For killing."
"Cool! Can I watch?"
"Yes. You can watch," said Doctor Dave. He felt it important that children face up to the realities of life. The criminal left the shop, only to find Doctor Dave standing there brandishing Old Stabby. The criminal dropped his cigarettes.
"What the fuck!?" he said.
"Don't swear in front of children," said Docotor Dave, lunging forward, bringing the knife down into the criminal's neck. Blood sprayed everywhere. The child clapped appreciatively.
"Hehehe!" it laughed. "Is he deaded now?"
The criminal was lying on the ground, holding his neck. He didn't have long.
"It hurst...it hurts..." he said.
"You killed a girl. Now you die. It is justice," said Doctor Dave.
"I...she...she was a slut!"
"You raped her first? Hmm," said Dave.
"It wasn't rape...she was begging for it...hey, what do you have there?"
Dave smiled. "Pills laugh out loud," he said, shoving them into the criminals mouth.
"Drugs are bad!" said the child.
"Go play on the freeway," said Dave and the child obeyed.
The criminal woke to find himself in Doctor Dave's appartment, strapped to his bed.
"Help!" he said. "I was dying...how?"
"I am a doctor," said Doctor Dave. "My pills laugh out loud cure anything. They cured your stab wound."
"Thank you...thank you," said the criminal.
"Don't thank me," said Dave. "I added rape to your list of crimes. And I do believe the punishment...should fit the crime."
"What? No, NO! PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP! AAAAAAARGH!"
Six hours later the criminal was finally buggered to death. Dave stored his body with the others in his basement. Then he got dressed and went out. He felt like having more above average sex.
