I've been a fan of Paul Merton and Have I Got News For You for over ten years, so here are some quotes. Maybe I will do one for Ian Hislop later.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
Paul Merton
If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
Am I in one of John Simpson's trips? I'm sitting here with a tub of lard trying to answer questions in German.
Paul Merton
Paul Merton: [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting]
[yells out at random points]
Paul Merton: Bank!
Ian Hislop: That's the most useful thing anyone's ever suggested to me you do with a hamster. I've got no sympathy with hamsters, they just sit in cages. We've had loads of them, they sit there and then they just die on you and upset everyone. At least this way they get made into a coat. I'm for it!
Paul Merton: That's not the hamsters' fault, the fact that they sit in the cage, people put them in there. It's like saying "Rudolf Hess, all he does is sit around in prison all day!"
[at the end of the quiz]
Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!
[answering a question about dogs]
Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...
Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research!
Sheila Hancock: [to Angus] Go on then, Andrew... "Andrew"?
Paul Merton: Andrew's a nice name. Andrew. Call him Andrew.
Sheila Hancock: I am getting very, very old. What's your name? Angus?
Angus Deayton: It was Angus, yes, when I last looked.
Sheila Hancock: All right.
Paul Merton: But Andrew's nice.
Angus Deayton: As this is a topical news quiz I feel as if I ought to bring the subject to the Longbridge plant...
Ian Hislop: Yes, yes.
Paul Merton: Whatever you think, Andrew.
Angus Deayton: I can see this one's gonna stick. So what's BMW's name for Rover?
Paul Merton: "Andrew".
Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother?
Paul Merton: We talked about you.
Angus Deayton: No, you didn't.
Paul Merton: Yes, we did.
Angus Deayton: What did she say about me?
Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
Angus Deayton: There's nowhere in the world that has a privatised air traffic control system. And you can see why.
Clive Anderson: Well, nowhere else has got the House of Lords.
Paul Merton: Or Trafalgar Square.
Angus Deayton: No.
Paul Merton: Or you.
Angus Deayton: No, good point, Paul.
Paul Merton: Thank you, Andrew.
Angus Deayton: What was right up Napoleon's street?
Paul Merton: Napoleon's house!
Paul Merton: [talking about the James Bond film "Die Another Day"] What would be the point in having an invisible car? All you're doing is chasing someone who's doing 80 miles an hour in a seated position.
Germaine Greer: No, you're invisible as well once you're in it. The car reflects the light in such a way that you cannot see it.
Paul Merton: How d'you fill it with petrol then? 'Cause you'd drive into the forecourt of a petrol station, get out, everyone jumps and says "Where's that bloke come from?" Then the poor sod's gotta find the petrol cap!
Germaine Greer: Yes, but you can turn it off.
Paul Merton: Oh, I see.
Germaine Greer: So then all of sudden, a car materialises in the forecourt.
Paul Merton: I'm actually sitting in an invisible car at the moment.
There are soooo many more. I will post em up later.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
Paul Merton
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.
Paul Merton
Paul Merton
If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
Am I in one of John Simpson's trips? I'm sitting here with a tub of lard trying to answer questions in German.
Paul Merton
Paul Merton: [while Anne Robinson is guest-hosting]
[yells out at random points]
Paul Merton: Bank!
Ian Hislop: That's the most useful thing anyone's ever suggested to me you do with a hamster. I've got no sympathy with hamsters, they just sit in cages. We've had loads of them, they sit there and then they just die on you and upset everyone. At least this way they get made into a coat. I'm for it!
Paul Merton: That's not the hamsters' fault, the fact that they sit in the cage, people put them in there. It's like saying "Rudolf Hess, all he does is sit around in prison all day!"
[at the end of the quiz]
Paul Merton: So Ian wins based on questions about his magazine and people he's met on the train!
[answering a question about dogs]
Michael Brown: There was something the other day about a dog, I mean I think Paul's probably right...
Paul Merton: Well, we can't compete with this level of research!
Sheila Hancock: [to Angus] Go on then, Andrew... "Andrew"?
Paul Merton: Andrew's a nice name. Andrew. Call him Andrew.
Sheila Hancock: I am getting very, very old. What's your name? Angus?
Angus Deayton: It was Angus, yes, when I last looked.
Sheila Hancock: All right.
Paul Merton: But Andrew's nice.
Angus Deayton: As this is a topical news quiz I feel as if I ought to bring the subject to the Longbridge plant...
Ian Hislop: Yes, yes.
Paul Merton: Whatever you think, Andrew.
Angus Deayton: I can see this one's gonna stick. So what's BMW's name for Rover?
Paul Merton: "Andrew".
Angus Deayton: And did you chat with the Queen Mother?
Paul Merton: We talked about you.
Angus Deayton: No, you didn't.
Paul Merton: Yes, we did.
Angus Deayton: What did she say about me?
Paul Merton: I've never heard such language in all my life.
Angus Deayton: There's nowhere in the world that has a privatised air traffic control system. And you can see why.
Clive Anderson: Well, nowhere else has got the House of Lords.
Paul Merton: Or Trafalgar Square.
Angus Deayton: No.
Paul Merton: Or you.
Angus Deayton: No, good point, Paul.
Paul Merton: Thank you, Andrew.
Angus Deayton: What was right up Napoleon's street?
Paul Merton: Napoleon's house!
Paul Merton: [talking about the James Bond film "Die Another Day"] What would be the point in having an invisible car? All you're doing is chasing someone who's doing 80 miles an hour in a seated position.
Germaine Greer: No, you're invisible as well once you're in it. The car reflects the light in such a way that you cannot see it.
Paul Merton: How d'you fill it with petrol then? 'Cause you'd drive into the forecourt of a petrol station, get out, everyone jumps and says "Where's that bloke come from?" Then the poor sod's gotta find the petrol cap!
Germaine Greer: Yes, but you can turn it off.
Paul Merton: Oh, I see.
Germaine Greer: So then all of sudden, a car materialises in the forecourt.
Paul Merton: I'm actually sitting in an invisible car at the moment.
There are soooo many more. I will post em up later.
