CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(A MAN WALKS ONTO THE STAGE BEFORE THE CURTAINS ARE EVEN FULLY DRAWN.)
MAN: HURRY THE FUCK UP, HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, FUCK IT, WHEY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR CURTAINS ANYWAY, NO ONE HAS CURTAINS IN REAL LIFE, PLAYS ARE CRAP, AREN'T THEY? FUCK YES THEY ARE, YOU BASTARDS HAVE JUST WASTED YOUR MONEY YOU STUPID FUCKS, HAHA. YOU SPENT MONEY TO SEE SOMEONE COME ON STAGE AND TALK TO YOU IN AN UNCONVINCING MANNER ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND DREAMS AND HIS FEAR OF GIANT INVISIBLE DUCKS PECKING AT HIM, HAHA, JUST SAYING SOMETHING RANDOM THERE SO YOU'LL THINK THERE'S SOME DEEPER POINT AND MEANING TO LOOK FOR IN ALL THIS, BUT THERE'S NOT, YOU BASTARDS. THERE IS NOTHING. FUCK THIS. I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE IN SILENCE SMOKING A FAG FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES. FUCK IT.
(He sits down and lights up a cigarette. A woman runs onto stage.)
Woman: Sorry, there's no smoking in this theatre, you'll have to put that out.
Man: Fuck off, tits.
Woman: I'm sorry?
Man: And don't fucking pretend that you didn't hear me, you've read the script, you know what I said. It's a fucking contrived character trait of mine that I refer to people by their most prominent feature and on you it's clearly your tits, tits. You fucking whore.
Woman: You have to put that cigarette out so we can get on with the play!
Man: THIS IS PART OF THE PLAY, TITS! IT FUCKING SAYS ALL THIS IN THE SCRIPT. YOU COME OUT HERE THEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, SHOCKING THE AUDIENCE.
Woman: You're going to do WHAT to me?!
Man: I'm going to punch you in the FUCKING FACE, TITS! The fucking face! I don't care about anything! I'm a nihilist or a bhuddist or something! Haha! Maybe I'm a sociopath! Mayve I'm a psychopath. Maybe I'm a cycle path!
Woman: Please, I don't know what you're talking about, you have to put the cigarette out!
Man: NAAAAAAAAAAH!
Woman: Please! If this play isn't completely, we won't get paid!
Man: I DO IT FOR THE ART!
(He stands up and punches her hard in the face. She slumps to the ground, unconscious.)
Man: JOB DONE! HAHA, WHORE! YOUR TITS DON'T LOOK AS BIG NOW THAT YOU'RE LYING FLAT ON YOUR BACK! I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU SOMETHING ELSE NOW, LIKE NOSE! BLOODY NOSE, HAHA!
(He looks at her closely.)
Man: Shit, you really are bleeding. Umm, sorry. Get up now, Regina. We, umm, need to continue with the play.
(He tries to help her up but she's out close.)
Man: Shit, this isn't...haha...umm...need to stay in character. THIS IS ALL IN THE SCRIPT YOU NAZIS. Except it's not! Oh no. What have I done?! I got so into the character...I hit her so hard...it's all my fault...shiiiiit!
(He sinks to the floor again, sobbing. Regina suddenly gets up and wipes away the FAKE BLOOD.)
Regina: HAHA, FOOLED YOU! LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO USE THE PROP CIGARETTE, NOT THE REAL ONE! FAGGOT!
(She kicks him and runs away.)
Man: But this IS a prop cigarette!
(He looks at the audience, expecting a laugh.)
Man: How was that, then? Challenge your perceptions, did it? Your pereceptions of reality? Good to be challenged once in a while! Even NOW you don't know what was real and what was scripted! Well, let me tell you somethiong...it was all scripte!
(Regina pops back onto stage.)
Regina: It's true! I love this man, in reality! He's so sexy!
Man: THAT was scripted too! I'm not sexy at all!
Regina: My tits aren't even real!
(She rips her fake tits out and throws them into the audience.)
Man: Haha, neither are my fingers!
(He tries to pull his fingers off but they won't come.)
Man: Oh, wait, my fingers are real. Haha, that was in the script too!
Regina: Umm, no it wasn't.
Man: Yes it was! Let me check the script.
(She hands him a blank piece of paper.)
Man: But...this is blank?
Regina: THAT'S RIGHt.
Man: You mean, there is no script? This was all real? We're just two crazy people who hijacked a theatre!?
Regina: Oops, wrong piece of paper. No, this wasn't real, it was all scripted. Sorry for the confusion.
Man: Haha, nearly had me going there! So what's this then?
Regina: What, the blank piece of paper?
Man: Yeah, tits, what is it?
Regina: That? That is your SOUL!
Man: My...my soul? My soul!? MY SOUL!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(He falls to his knees.)
Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Regina lights up a cigarette.)
Regina: This is actually maijuana!
FIN
MAN: HURRY THE FUCK UP, HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY, FUCK IT, WHEY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR CURTAINS ANYWAY, NO ONE HAS CURTAINS IN REAL LIFE, PLAYS ARE CRAP, AREN'T THEY? FUCK YES THEY ARE, YOU BASTARDS HAVE JUST WASTED YOUR MONEY YOU STUPID FUCKS, HAHA. YOU SPENT MONEY TO SEE SOMEONE COME ON STAGE AND TALK TO YOU IN AN UNCONVINCING MANNER ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND DREAMS AND HIS FEAR OF GIANT INVISIBLE DUCKS PECKING AT HIM, HAHA, JUST SAYING SOMETHING RANDOM THERE SO YOU'LL THINK THERE'S SOME DEEPER POINT AND MEANING TO LOOK FOR IN ALL THIS, BUT THERE'S NOT, YOU BASTARDS. THERE IS NOTHING. FUCK THIS. I'M JUST GOING TO SIT HERE IN SILENCE SMOKING A FAG FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES. FUCK IT.
(He sits down and lights up a cigarette. A woman runs onto stage.)
Woman: Sorry, there's no smoking in this theatre, you'll have to put that out.
Man: Fuck off, tits.
Woman: I'm sorry?
Man: And don't fucking pretend that you didn't hear me, you've read the script, you know what I said. It's a fucking contrived character trait of mine that I refer to people by their most prominent feature and on you it's clearly your tits, tits. You fucking whore.
Woman: You have to put that cigarette out so we can get on with the play!
Man: THIS IS PART OF THE PLAY, TITS! IT FUCKING SAYS ALL THIS IN THE SCRIPT. YOU COME OUT HERE THEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, SHOCKING THE AUDIENCE.
Woman: You're going to do WHAT to me?!
Man: I'm going to punch you in the FUCKING FACE, TITS! The fucking face! I don't care about anything! I'm a nihilist or a bhuddist or something! Haha! Maybe I'm a sociopath! Mayve I'm a psychopath. Maybe I'm a cycle path!
Woman: Please, I don't know what you're talking about, you have to put the cigarette out!
Man: NAAAAAAAAAAH!
Woman: Please! If this play isn't completely, we won't get paid!
Man: I DO IT FOR THE ART!
(He stands up and punches her hard in the face. She slumps to the ground, unconscious.)
Man: JOB DONE! HAHA, WHORE! YOUR TITS DON'T LOOK AS BIG NOW THAT YOU'RE LYING FLAT ON YOUR BACK! I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU SOMETHING ELSE NOW, LIKE NOSE! BLOODY NOSE, HAHA!
(He looks at her closely.)
Man: Shit, you really are bleeding. Umm, sorry. Get up now, Regina. We, umm, need to continue with the play.
(He tries to help her up but she's out close.)
Man: Shit, this isn't...haha...umm...need to stay in character. THIS IS ALL IN THE SCRIPT YOU NAZIS. Except it's not! Oh no. What have I done?! I got so into the character...I hit her so hard...it's all my fault...shiiiiit!
(He sinks to the floor again, sobbing. Regina suddenly gets up and wipes away the FAKE BLOOD.)
Regina: HAHA, FOOLED YOU! LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO USE THE PROP CIGARETTE, NOT THE REAL ONE! FAGGOT!
(She kicks him and runs away.)
Man: But this IS a prop cigarette!
(He looks at the audience, expecting a laugh.)
Man: How was that, then? Challenge your perceptions, did it? Your pereceptions of reality? Good to be challenged once in a while! Even NOW you don't know what was real and what was scripted! Well, let me tell you somethiong...it was all scripte!
(Regina pops back onto stage.)
Regina: It's true! I love this man, in reality! He's so sexy!
Man: THAT was scripted too! I'm not sexy at all!
Regina: My tits aren't even real!
(She rips her fake tits out and throws them into the audience.)
Man: Haha, neither are my fingers!
(He tries to pull his fingers off but they won't come.)
Man: Oh, wait, my fingers are real. Haha, that was in the script too!
Regina: Umm, no it wasn't.
Man: Yes it was! Let me check the script.
(She hands him a blank piece of paper.)
Man: But...this is blank?
Regina: THAT'S RIGHt.
Man: You mean, there is no script? This was all real? We're just two crazy people who hijacked a theatre!?
Regina: Oops, wrong piece of paper. No, this wasn't real, it was all scripted. Sorry for the confusion.
Man: Haha, nearly had me going there! So what's this then?
Regina: What, the blank piece of paper?
Man: Yeah, tits, what is it?
Regina: That? That is your SOUL!
Man: My...my soul? My soul!? MY SOUL!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(He falls to his knees.)
Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Regina lights up a cigarette.)
Regina: This is actually maijuana!
FIN
