CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Pope Benedict today issued a heartfelt apology over the rape of Halle Berry. "I'm sorry for raping Halle Berry," he said, in German or something. "It was a bad time in my life. A bad, horny time. God, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I thought I could get away with it! But I guess standing on the roof of the Vatican and shouting 'I JUST FUCKING RAPED HALLE BERRY!' wasn't my smartest move. She's so hot...anyway, sorry for raping her. That was bad."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Halle Berry tomorrow, at her home. "The pope didn't rape me. That's fucking stupid! I've never even been on the Wacky Hot One Hundred! NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"The poor old bastard's probably confused," said more talented actress Kate Winslet, two weeks from now, wearing a bikini. "He probably saw that movie where she gets raped and thought it was really happening. You know, the one she won the Oscar for. That's the only way SOMEONE LIKE HER could win an oscar, doing a rape movie!" She then lit a ciggarette and quickly added "and by someone like her, I mean a bad actress. Not a negro. Now, my marriage is in ruins, young man. Fancy a shag?"
"I FUCKNIG HATE DANNII MINOGUE," said Sharon Osborne. "Right? That's right, isn't it? People will like me if I say that? Please like me!"
"I'M A HORSE," said Epona from the Zelda games.
"I lost a brother once," said Captain James T. Kirk. "But I got him back."
"Okay, maybe I didn't rape her," said the pope. "MAYBE. I'm pretty sure I did. AND LOVED IT. But no, maybe I didn't. Okay. Sure. I didn't. So why the fuck did I apologise? Christ's wounds! Oh, I guess while I'm here I should apologise for all them priests diddling all them kids. What was it, a hundred million kids diddled? Impressive number! MOST IMPRESSIVE. But yeah dudes, I'm REALLY SORRY about all the kiddie diddling...SORRY THAT I DIDN'T GET IN ON IT MYSELF THAT IS!!!! SUCK IT!!!"
Diddy Kong was not available for comment. Because he's not real. (But yes, Epona is real. Just not Diddy Kong.)
"What the fuck are you talking about?" said Halle Berry tomorrow, at her home. "The pope didn't rape me. That's fucking stupid! I've never even been on the Wacky Hot One Hundred! NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"The poor old bastard's probably confused," said more talented actress Kate Winslet, two weeks from now, wearing a bikini. "He probably saw that movie where she gets raped and thought it was really happening. You know, the one she won the Oscar for. That's the only way SOMEONE LIKE HER could win an oscar, doing a rape movie!" She then lit a ciggarette and quickly added "and by someone like her, I mean a bad actress. Not a negro. Now, my marriage is in ruins, young man. Fancy a shag?"
"I FUCKNIG HATE DANNII MINOGUE," said Sharon Osborne. "Right? That's right, isn't it? People will like me if I say that? Please like me!"
"I'M A HORSE," said Epona from the Zelda games.
"I lost a brother once," said Captain James T. Kirk. "But I got him back."
"Okay, maybe I didn't rape her," said the pope. "MAYBE. I'm pretty sure I did. AND LOVED IT. But no, maybe I didn't. Okay. Sure. I didn't. So why the fuck did I apologise? Christ's wounds! Oh, I guess while I'm here I should apologise for all them priests diddling all them kids. What was it, a hundred million kids diddled? Impressive number! MOST IMPRESSIVE. But yeah dudes, I'm REALLY SORRY about all the kiddie diddling...SORRY THAT I DIDN'T GET IN ON IT MYSELF THAT IS!!!! SUCK IT!!!"
Diddy Kong was not available for comment. Because he's not real. (But yes, Epona is real. Just not Diddy Kong.)
