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Dual

Dual

RIP Karl 1991-2014
This first passage is from when I was waiting at the meeting spot for a study group earlier. This person hadn't shown at half an hour past, so I texted...
Me: Are you coming?
Other: Yes
Me: When?
Other: Soon
Me: Would you quantify that?
Other: Dude chill i'm coming
Me: I'm chill. Is asking for a quantification unreasonable?
Other: Wtf? Dude i'm coming
Me: So I take it that's a yes? I was just asking how long you expected to be; I don't see why that's so hard to answer.
Other: Whatever
Me: How exquisitely erudite.
Click to expand...

Then this chap, Antonius, owes me $600. I asked him about my check the other morning and he promptly dropped off the map and hasn't answered any calls or responded in any way since. I sent him this Facebook message this morning:

Look, Tony, it's not OK to try to go incognito to avoid your responsibilities. It worked for you with Dan, because that's how Dan is, but I understand your motives and your methods; it's not going to work on me. I had to pay my mother back in the entirely, which was over three thousand dollars.

I'm only asking for you to pay back the part that you kept exclusively for yourself; if I wasn't trying to find a compromise here I'd be asking you to repay the thousands you used off my Amazon. My mother only found it because of what you were doing; prior I had a completely workable system. You kept ordering things even when I explicitly told you not to; you were probably betting on my status as a pothead to make me forget, and/or my social ineptitude to make me unable to stop you. Well, Tony, you were dead wrong on the former and only half right on the latter. I had my computer stop storing my Amazon password and changed it to an encrypted 18 character string to try to send you the message, but again when I was high you checked the remember my password box, trying to restore the old status.

When I was last in San Francisco, you kept asking me when I'd be back. I told you that I gave Dan my keys; you then manipulated Dan into getting an OPI party into my house and completely trashed it. When I confronted you, over and over that night you kept saying you were coming over to clean it up, but you never showed. A few days later, you were over and you told me a little story. You said that you kept trying to call me, but I didn't answer. I mean honestly Tony, do you think I'm an idiot?

I could go on!

I should've said this to you a long time ago. How you've treated me has been really fucked up, and how you've treated Dan has been really fucked up. Considering how much you've exploited and used me, is it really so much to ask that you pay back a small portion of the stuff you ordered that I had to reimburse my mother for?

Call me. Ignoring me only makes me angrier.

Sincerely,
[My name], Esq.
Click to expand...

How do I rate on assertiveness?
 
The message: People who enjoy reading will appreciate your writing style. The intended recipient of the message, probably not so much. I doubt the story needs to be repeated to the participants. Stick with action~reaction statements. You will do X, or Y will occur. Or you can drop the reaction part if you don't want it to be misinterpreted as a threat, even though we both know that it isn't a threat, merely a statement of fact.
 
The message is not assertive. I've read it, and while I see that you want your money back and for him to both leave you alone and call you (?!?), the only explicit request I remember after the initial read through is that you want him to call you. No "return my money immediately" No "end your communications with Dan."
 
Yeah. I guess that's because as he was doing that stuff, I mostly just bottled it up, and now that he's pushed it past the boiling point my instincts are just to let it out like that. Thanks for the advice, I think it might actually be better than anybody's given me before on that particular subject.
 
Your method is understandable. And I also think I understand how you let it get this far. I think that you are very used to being the victim. Then you were virtually powerless, and your outlets were chiefly internal. Thoughts, words, etc. Now you are still reacting to wrongs with thoughts; and when pushed near breaking, you respond in words. It will take time but eventually you will manage to train yourself to respond to unpleasant situations in actions and concrete choices. Of course, this is stuff I know you already know, but maybe it is nice to be validated by a fellow TKer?
 
Have you read De Profundis? Your message sort of reminds me of that. ;)
 
Gonad, I must eat your brain. Short of committing bigamy and marrying you and chaining you up in the basement because you probably wouldn't agree to bigamy and all that that entails, I think eating your brain is the second best way for me absorb and make use of your intellect. Of course I could always simply ask you questions and hope you answer them nicely, but now I'm completely hooked on the idea of your brain and how tasty it might be. I mean, it exists inside that body of yours and we all know how tasty that looks. So don't be alarmed when my minions kidnap you for brain extraction, just relax, we'll copy the data over and give you a perfectly workable facsimile.




No, I can't eat the facsimile, they taste horrible.
 
The only solution I can see is to avoid situations like this in the first place, by avoiding PEOPLE like this. And by that I mean people who use you. I've known a lot of good people who constantly let themselves be victimized by junkies, scumbags, assholes, and bottom feeders. It's frustrating to me to watch people I care about willingly play the doormat, because I'm constantly waiting for them to grow a back bone, and they rarely do before it's too late.

I know you recently made a decision to make a positive difference in your life, and I’m proud of you and wish you the best of luck in that. I just hope you realize that’s only the first step. You need to cut all of these parasites out of your life, then recognize what it is about you that draws them to you, and overcome it it; so you don’t fall back into the same patterns.

What Gonad said about feeling powerless is exactly right. You need to find that inner strength that I know you possess and use it to get yourself away from these soulless scumbags. You’re a highly intelligent, caring and resourceful young man; I just wish you’d stop letting people take advantage of you.

I’ve seen my own mother break the exact same patterns and cut those kinds of people out of her life, so I know it can be done.
 
ZOMBIE.jpg
 
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