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So Tired

Gonad

Gonad

DON'T FUCK WITH MY TITLE BITCH
Today I ate a beef and bean chimichanga, 4 red vines (inferior product), 1pkg of razzles (?), a baskin-robbins cookie overload sundae (not what I expected, good, but I'll probably never get another one), a package of Hi-C fruit snacks, and a lean cuisine Thai-style chicken dinner. I think that's everything. See, now that I have this desk job I have to cut back on my caloric intake. I generally try to limit to 1k/day on mondays through thursdays, but today my job required that I run up and down the stairs frantically all day. One flight= 30 stairs. A long-ish flight. So I was stressed-out and decided sugar comfort food was the way to go and I was correct. I've noticed that cutting back my caloric intake has cut into my appetite a bit, which I was hoping for. Lately I haven't minded only eating a tv dinner <250 and a 90 snack bar at home at night, but at work it is a little more difficult. My office mate has a cookie tin that she keeps loaded with candy. By candy I mean kitkats, paydays, misc. hershey, etc.
 
Last night I was so unhappy. I freaked out and cried off and on all night. Weeping? I suspected it was hormones but at the same time I thought maybe it wasn't. I've been on the pill for six years now, and often I wonder what my personality would be like *without* a daily influx of artificial hormones. But no, I'd rather have unprotected sex. And when I am no longer in a situation where I feel comfortable having unprotected sex, I resist stopping the pill because I figure I would just end up starting it up again, and stopping and starting would confuse my body and be worse than just continuing.
 
I was so upset and insecure that I had difficulty staying on the computer. So I wandered and paced and cried. I wanted to die. I didn't really want to die, that is much too active a term. I wanted to stop living. There, much more passive and accurate. And then I thought something I had never thought before: Wouldn't it be terrible to be suicidal and fight that everyday and force yourself to live, only to die in an accident or from something out of your control? Yeah, that would suck. And no, I'm not suicidal, just grim and morbid. And realistic.
 
I have days where I don't want to live either. Monday was that kind of day. Tuesday was too. But I would never want to quit living either. Its usually just a passing feeling of fucking dread.
 
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