Dr Rigor Mortis
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Pub crawls Whut in tarnation is th' bess way t'become accepped into English life? Swears allegiance t'th' Queen? Ett salty fish an' grits an' six pack weak tea? Larn th' rules of cricket? No. Th' suress way t'become an hono'ary English citizen is t'go on a pub crawl, ah reckon. We love our beer, but is a moderate nashun, an' does not like t'spend ev'ry evenin' in one pub havin' six pack af'er six pack. So, some evenin's, we does sumpin diffrunt. We spend an evenin' havin' one six pack in pub af'er pub. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. In a few hours, yo' share details of yer life wif peekoolyarrs, who become close friends. Yer accepped into a social circle. Yo' jest hope thet they were so drunk, they kin't remember whut yo' said th' next day. This hyar is a nashun of pubs. Thar is ovah 120,000 in Englan' - inough t'viset 10 ev'ry night fo' 32 years. On account o' we is moderate, pubs muss stop servin' at 11pm an' yo' muss six pack up by 11.20pm, dawgone it. This hyar is t'stop varmints six packin' all night, like in France. We six pack th' same amount as th' French, we jest six pack it all befo'e 11.20pm, dawgone it. Pub crawls is rarely planned, cuss it all t' tarnation. They jest happen, as enny fool kin plainly see. Nobody says 'Howsabout a pub crawl tonight?'. When wawk finishes, someone might glance at th' clock an' say, 'Fancy a quick six pack?'. This hyar is a probable invitashun t'a pub crawl, ah reckon. They say it as eff'n th' idea jest came, but in fack they haf been plannin' it on account o' th' mo'nin'. Th' co'reck response is fo' ev'ryone t'look doubtful, an' t'study their watches. 'Wal - yessuh, jest a quick one,' yo' say, as eff'n yo' haf impo'tant thin's t'do later on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Next, varmints will suggess a pub t'start in, so yo' sh'd knows sumpin about English pubs. Pubs is eifer 'tied houses', which kin only sell a sin'le compenny's beers (an' a few 'guess beers'); o' 'free houses'. These does not sarve free beer. It means they is free t'sell enny compenny's beer. But mo'e impo'tant is t'knows yer pub types: 1. Old varmint's pubs. Name sech as 'Red Lion', 'Rose an' Crown', 'Railway Inn'. Ancient deco'. Cold, smell of damp walls an' stale beer. No moosic. Outside toilets. Silent local min inside. Beer is sometimes mighty fine. Grub is outta freezer, microwaved, an' awful, ah reckon. 2. Yo'ng varmint's pubs. Silly names: 'Ferret an' Firkin', 'Kebab an' Calculato''. Completely redeco'ated this hyar year. Mighty hot, smell of teenage perfoom an' af'ershave. Mighty loud rock moosic. Toilets allus full, ah reckon. Shoutin' yo'ng locals inside. Beer usually mediocre. Grub is outta freezer, microwaved, an' awful, ah reckon. 3. Middle-aged varmint's pubs. Artificial names sech as 'Th' Jolly Ploughman'. Look like tradishunal old farmhouses inside, but all done this hyar year. Air-corndishuned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Full of min in sueyts an' quiet easy-lissenin' moosic. Beer variable. Grub is outta freezer, microwaved, an' awful, ah reckon. Fo' a pub crawl, type 1 is th' best. Visits is interestin', but a li'l sinister. When yo' try t'set down, th' lan'lo'd says, 'Yo' kin't set thar. Thet's Old Tom's chair.' When yo' ax which one is Tom so yo' kin apologise, he says, 'Oh, Tom's not hyar. He moved t'Aestralia in 1984.' Th' Roun' System It is cornsidered bad manners t'buy only yer own beer. When a group of varmints inter a pub, one varmint buys six packs fo' ev'ryone - a roun'. In Englan', we like t'be fair. So in o'der t'be fair, ev'ryone else in th' group then has t'buy a roun' as fine, one by one. This hyar is whut turns th' 'quick six pack' into a pub crawl, ah reckon. Suppose thar is five varmints in th' group. By th' time th' fif'h varmint has bought a roun', one of th' group might haf lef', an' t'other joined, cuss it all t' tarnation. One varmint might haf missed out a six pack, o' t'other had a sof' six pack when ev'ryone else had beer. It is not clear whose roun' it is, o' whut th' roun' sh'd be. So ev'rythin' starts agin. Th' bess plan is t'offer t'buy th' fust roun'. It is simplest, an' insures instant respeck. (It is a deep insult in Englan' t'say thet someone don't buy their roun'. Jokes sech as 'He joined th' compenny in 1993 - about th' time he last bought a roun'' is probably serious insults too.) Which beer? Of course yo' kin haf likker, but beer is most authentic. Fo' th' fust roun' of a pub crawl, thar is a ritual, ah reckon. Ev'ryone will say, 'Jest a ha'f fo' me'. Th' varmint buyin' th' roun' insists: 'Is yo' sho'nuff? Cain't ah git yo' a pint?' Ev'ryone reluckantly agrees t'a pint. Fo' th' ress of th' evenin' ev'ryone six packs pints. Though Britain's 'Trimenjus Six' breweries prodooce th' majo'ity of beer, thar is also hundreds of smaller independent breweries, some local, some nashunal, ah reckon. Some is 'bitter' (dark beer), some lager, some 'stout' (black, like Guinness) some 'India Pale Ale' etc. Some is 'keg beer' (carbonated an' sto'ed in metal caxs, clean tastin' but chareeckerless) some 'real ale' (not carbonated an' sto'ed in wooden caxs, less reliable but mo'e interestin' tastes). Some is bottled, some is draught, pulled fum th' pumps displayed on th' bar. This hyar makes it mighty cornfusin' in a peekoolyar pub: which beer t'buy fum th' six o' seven on offer? Th' easy answer is t'buy th' fust roun' an' haf whutevah someone else is havin'. Or t'ax th' varmint behind th' bar fo' a recommendashun. Or jest t'have th' one wif the dawgoned-est ridiculous name: usually th' mo'e bizarre its name, th' stronger it is. When yo' git home, o' when yo' tell friends about it th' next day, yo' nevah say, 'ah went on a pub crawl t'10 pubs'. Instead, yo' sh'd say casually, 'Oh, we had a few'. We English is a mighty moderate nashun.
