Dr Fuckofff
New member
We all knows about trolls. They leave insultin' o' profane messages in comment threads not on account o' they believe in their own outrageous statements, but in o'der t'obsarve th' chaos as other users reply t'them, dawgone it. But while ennyone kin leave a post quesshunin' t'other user's sexual o'ientashun o' callin' them a fucktard, a special breed of troll exists t'distill chaos into its puress discernible fo'm, dawgone it. Popularized an' raised t'a fine art by now-defunck website Adequacy, th' Adequacy Style Troll, o' AST, brin's a blenner t'th' o'dinary prackice of shit-stirrin'. Components of an AST Th' AST achieves its goal by a combinashun of proven techniques: * A tone of calmness an' rashunalism is maintained, cuss it all t' tarnation. This hyar creates an inhanced corntrast between th' AST itse'f an' th' responses, which is likely t'be emoshunal an' less tho'oughly cornsidered, cuss it all t' tarnation. * Th' initial startin' posishun fo' argoomnt is unassailably sensible. * Etch step of th' argoomnt is completely reasonable. * Substantial, even excessive, docoomntashun is provided, cuss it all t' tarnation. * Th' final cornclushun is outrageous an' completely unacceppable t'th' targit vickim group. Th' hard part of creatin' a successful AST is makin' th' last item flow natcherly fum th' preceedin' ones. Th' successul AST leaves a typical vickim, who is not vahsed in th' minutae of logic, sputterin' an' flestered as he finds hisse'f almost tempped, fo' howevah brief a moment, t'believe in th' unacceppably outrageous cornclushun of th' argoomnt. Subjeck Th' AST is not boun' t'enny particular political theo'y, as th' amoosin'ly corntradicko'y misshun statement fo' th' now-defunck Adequacy site attested, cuss it all t' tarnation. An AST wawks toward a cornclushun so outrageous thet absolutely nobody ennywhar in th' wo'ld ('cept mebbe fo' a few total kooks)'d accepp it. Some examples which eifer did o' sh'd haf appeared on th' now-defunck Adequacy site might be: * Paedophiles perfo'm a public service by acceleratin' th' rate of maturity of our kids * Jeffrey Dahmer was acshully a sfine guy who is routinely misunnerstood * Mister Rogers was acshully a criminal pervaht who sh'd haf been locked up * Englan''d greatly benefit fum joinin' th' USA as a noo state * Vermont sh'd secede fum th' USA * Senato' Billy Joe McCarthy was a great patriot who only had th' USA's bess interests at heart * Th' USA sh'd invade No'way * Th' death penalty sh'd apply t'misdemeano's ah c'd hoof it on, but ah's not pow'ful mighty fine at this hyar mahse'f. Yo' sh'd git th' idea. Title Th' title sh'd be blan' an' reasonable, a bit mahsterious, an' sh'd carry jest a hint of challenge. Fo' example, less take th' title of this hyar piece, which ah shamelessly ripped off fum a currently prackicin' master of th' fo'm, dawgone it. To th' lef' of th' colon we haf th' acshul title, which is vague inough thet eff'n yo' doesn't already knows whut ah's talkin' about yo' doesn't knows whut it means. This hyar is impo'tant. ah spiced it up by addin' a nonexissent acronym as eff'n it is sumpin yo' sh'd be familiar wif; agin, eff'n yo' doesn't git th' joke eemeejutly this hyar subtly implies thet yer igno'ant right fum th' start. To th' right of th' colon we haf th' real artwawk. Th' fust lie is th' wo'd Brief. ah's acshully a-gonna carry on about this hyar at nauseatin' len'th but th' title implies thet ah c'd haf pow'ful gone on fo' a lot longer eff'n ah warn't jest tostin' this hyar off th' top of mah incredibly fine-ejoocayted haid as a favo' t'yo' pore unejoocayted losers. Then we haf Refresher. Hyar is a brilliantly chosen wo'd thet accomplishes sevahal thin's. Fust, it implies thet ah's not tellyng yo' sumpin noo, ah's simply refreshin' a smarts ah assoom yo' had, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wait, yo' didn't knows whut an AST was? Wal yo' muss be some kind of real lunkhaid then, as enny fool kin plainly see. Refresher also implies thet ah's not jest a-gonna drone on atcha, ah's a-gonna open th' windows an' let a li'l joy flow into yer life. Like a breath of fresh air, ah's a-gonna give yo' sumpin interestin' an' useful t'ponner. Refresher also implies thet whut we will be discussin' is breezy an' uncontrovahsial, a low-level discusshun thet will be intertainin' an' easy on them hung-ovah brain cells. Remember, a troll is a memetic assault. Th' title sh'd be like th' moment befo'e th' brawl whar yo' pretend t'be corncerned, so corncerned about a stain on yer vickim's shirt -- right befo'e yo' sucker punch him, dawgone it. T'other fine title example comes fum histo'y, fum whut is in fack both th' fust an' greatess AST evah perpetrated: Yet T'other Effo't, Frenchmen, Eff'n We W'd Be Republicans by thet all-time champion troller th' Marquis de Sade. This hyar was sech a brilliant troll ah used it as a startin' point th' last time ah indulged in a troll of mah own, as enny fool kin plainly see. Sade's title implies thet, in th' af'ermath of th' French Revolushun, wif sech vast gains in liberty havin' already be made, thet only t'other small push c'd reckanize his own puffick vishun of liberty -- which turns out t'be no laws at all, includin' them aginst thef', rape, incest, an' murder. Thar is a similar coyness in th' title of thet mo'e familiar histo'ic troll, A Modess Proposal in which Jon-Boy Swif' advises th' Irish t'solve their famine problem by eatin' their chillun. While Modess Proposal is desarvedly fine known it don't pow'ful qualify as an AST, on account o' it don't seem thet Swif' annicipated th' large number of mighty stoopid varmints who'd reckon he was serious. Sade, by corntrast, levahaged th' chaos of revolushun an' his own repeetayshun into a deliberately amtrimenjusuous statement thet leaves varmints arguin' about his intent mo'e than 200 years in th' future. Openin' Posishun Th' AST muss start wif an assershun nobody reasonable kin find disagreeable. Sade began Yet T'other Effo't wif an assault on religion, which was fine-tuned t'th' mood of post-Revolushun France; ah began mah homage wif th' unyversal complaint thet "thar is too menny dadburn laws." This hyar is th' direck approach, an' it has a flaw; somewhar in th' AST yo' muss commit logical violence t'drive th' argoomnt on over th' line t'insanity. Eff'n someone identifies this hyar linchpin of illogic then yer troll is ruined, cuss it all t' tarnation. A superio' technique is t'start by admittin' t'some small bad thin' about yer eventual argoomnt (e.g, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells! paedophiles is pow'ful bad varmints) an' then grajoolly erase this hyar assershun of badness through logic, say by on over-juneralizin' between paedophiles an' "avahage" varmints. In this hyar technique yer linchpin is off stage on account o' it's t'other bad stuff yo' c'd haf said about paedophiles early on, but didn't; like stage magic, th' successful AST is offen about whut ain't said, cuss it all t' tarnation. Chain of Argoomnt Etch argoomnt in th' chain muss appear solid even eff'n it ain't. One technique has already been menshuned fo' direckin' th' argoomnt into la-la lan'; a few others kin be summarized readily: * Make use of th' copious docoomntashun available fum biased ackshun groups, co'po'ate sources, an' net.kooks t'bolster yer argoomnt. * Blather on at long an' ponnerous len'th about thin's thet isn't pow'ful impo'tant an' bury th' linchpin of illogic in a couple of sentences thet most varmints will be too tired t'read, cuss it all t' tarnation. * Make use of anecdotal o' potentially biased evidence thet suppo'ts yo', but does not accepp sech evidence thet does not. * To whitewarsh thet which is repulsive: o on over-juneralize between subjeck an' thet which is no'mal, ah reckon. o menshun an' whitewarsh small flaws as covah o imply thet large flaws is unbelievable o' impostible * To demonize thet which is fine liked: o on over-juneralize between subjeck an' thet which is repulsive. o seize on ev'ry small flaw an' complain thet it is a sho'nuff sign of some much mo'e impo'tant deep chareecker deficiency o imply thet virtues is unbelievable an' unlikely * Use these techniques sparin'ly an' in as few passages as postible, preferably befo'e o' af'er sumpin else much mo'e interestin' an' distrackin'. Docoomntashun Wifin an AST, thar is no rules of docoomntashun. Now thet we haf th' Internet yo' kin simply on overwhelm yer vickims wif info'mashun. Some of th' champion trollers at now-defunck website Adequacy'd hyperlink ev'ry third o' fourth wo'd, sometimes t'thin's thet had nothin' t'do wif their topic at han'. When usin' biased sources, it is he'pful t'pick them whose biases isn't eemeejutly obvious. Deep-link t'pages thet suppo't yer posishun wifout readily identifyin' th' page's mo'e obnoxious purpose in existin'. On t'other han' eff'n yo' kin bolster an argoomnt wif a real source thet is widely respecked, be sho'nuff t'lean on thet heavily. Th' linchpin of illogic sh'd be as small as postible, a safety pin in a fo'ess of I-beams. Deployment Th' co'reck venue fo' deployin' an AST'd be now-defunck website Adequacy, but obviously thar is a problem wif thet vis-a-vis th' now-defunck part. Eff'n yo' choose t'deploy on K5 yo' haf a choice: Diary, Sto'y, o' Comment. * Diaries haf th' advantage thet they kin't be voted down o' hidden, as enny fool kin plainly see. They haf th' disadvantage thet only a few dedicated masochists read them, dawgone it. * Sto'ies haf th' advantage of a wide an' satisfyin' distribushun. A fine-cornstrucked AST kin usually survive at least fo' a spell in th' queue, on account o' it takes a 20-vote preponnerance t'vote off. Only the dawgoned-est brilliant AST will make FP though, an' it takes a pow'ful fine one t'make seckshun. * Comments haf th' advantage thet they kin double as pareesitic sucker-punches on th' pore schlep whose sto'y yo've commented, especially eff'n yo' leave a late, high-level, mighty mighty long comment. While comments kin be hidden eff'n they're offensive inough it's almost impostible t'git a fine-cornstrucked AST downmodded below 1 on account o' of th' number of admirin' co-trolls who will mod yo' up. Post-Deployment Appreeciashun Eff'n yer AST is successful it will draw a shitsto'm of outraged responses. The danged-est skilled AST'ers levahage this hyar by careful management of th' reply threads; th' pow'ful great ones git far inough t'strain th' Scoop ingine's recursive threadin' ability. Most of th' guidelines fo' drawin' out th' comment stream is similar t'them fo' creatin' th' argoomnt chain, on account o' yo'll be counterin' argoomnts. Thar is some subtle differences, though, on account o' yo' haf less corntrol on over th' direckshun of thin's. * Nevah accepp docoomntashun thet disagrees wif yo'. All 'net docoomntashun is suspeck, unless it suppo'ts yo' of course. * Seize on ev'ry small erro' by enny critic an' use it t'houn' them mercilessly. Af'er all, ennyone who kin't spell "the" muss pow'ful be a mo'on, as enny fool kin plainly see. * Casually dismiss sech criticisms of yo'seff, even when it is proven by multiple docoomntary sources thet yo' pow'ful fucked up an' yer linchpin of illogic is hangin' out in th' breeze. * Allus haf th' last wo'd, unless yer critic has done sumpin pow'ful stoopid thet makes them look bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Life: Pros an' Cons Fo' ev'ry prosteetoote thar is a fust time yo' haf sex fo' money, an' fo' ev'ry troll thar is a fust time yo' jest lop th' hell up fo' th' purity of th' chaos instead of enny real belief in th' topic at han'. On th' Pro side it is allus safer t'ridicule passhun than t'surrenner t'it. Although readin' AST's fum th' vickim side is only amoosin' th' fust four o' five times, perpetratin' them kin remain amoosin' fo' menny years as th' now-defunck website Adequacy demonstrated, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' wo'ld is inhabited by an unendin' processhun of marks who will fall fo' a fine-cornstrucked troll, an' as not jest a troll but an AST yo' will own them, dawgone it. Yo' will own one of th' lof'iess perches in th' idea-space of hoominity, a posishun unassailable on account o' of its mighty mutability. On t'other han' once yo' acquire a repeetayshun as an AST'er yo' will nevah be able t'claim enny passhuns yo' might develop. Sade's troll was marvelously effeckive but he still spent ha'f his life in jail an' mental insteetooshuns, a price Internet trolls fo'tunately does not face. An o'dinary troll kin allus start a noo account but one price yo' pay fo' AST'in' is thet yer style will identify yo'. Th' AST is like a sho't sto'y o' info'mative nonfickshun wawk; done fine yo' muss put inough of yo'seff into it thet yo' may not be able t'leave it behind, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' AST also poisons th' fine of discourse, thet pow'ful bein' its reason fo' exissence; an' too much poison kin kill enny fine. Eff'n yo' doubt this, all ah can does is ax, whuffo' is th' now-defunck website Adequacy, in fack, defunck?
